HI, I've recently joined EC and in my intro I explained that I'm coming out to my wife of 21 years soon. I've accepted the fact that I'm gay. I've been in therapy for 8 months and after exploring several avenues for my behavior, after many tears, I've come to the conclusion that feels right in my heart. There's been a lot of denial. I'm one of those guys who didn't know he was gay -- who just compartmentalized and denied all the homosexual attractions and acting out. I've heard Joe Korts name come up here on EC many times. I've read one of his books "Ten things Gay Men can do to improve their lives." Last night, however, I read his chapter in "Mending a Shattered Heart." This is a book about sexual addiction. He explains all kinds of reasons straight men will have sex with men. I've been down this road with my therapist. I am in a 12 step program for sex addicts. I did use sex to numb out feelings. Honestly, I believe I used sex, straight and gay to numb out my fear of being gay! Anyway reading this stuff last night, once again threw me into some confusion about my real sexual orientation. I sincerely believe I am gay but that doesn't take away the fear that after coming out to my wife and the the world I should suddenly discover that it was only sex addiction and that my true orientation is heterosexual. Has anybody else gone through this confusion? I've done such powerful work to get where I'm comfortable being gay. I feel like I've recovered that authentic self I was supposed to be -- now I'm back and forth again. Maybe someone out there has some insight.
I have questioned it in the past, and went back in the closet, choosing to identify as bi. I wondered to myself if I was just using sexuality as a way to end a bad relationship, but the feelings didn't go away when the relationship was good. I have just accepted that I am gay, not bisexual, and realize that it isn't going away. Your mileage may vary, but I'd bet a dime against a donut that you will discover that it is possible to be both a sex addict and gay, too. ---------- Post added 25th Apr 2013 at 11:17 AM ---------- Oh, and welcome to EC
Have you discussed anything with your wife? Any aspects of your therapy? If not, maybe that's the place to start. Talk about the sex addiction idea. Maybe just tale it once step at a time.
Hi and welcome to EC. You're dealing with a lot of complicated feelings and when you first begin to accept that your orientation may be other than straight... there are all sorts of feelings and denial and other mechanisms that come into play. Additionally, the compulsion toward sexual activity is, as you said, a means of numbing, and one of the things you're probably already seeing is that as you stop the numbing behaviors, the feelings you're numbing start to come up... which is a good thing. If you've spent time in therapy discussing your sexual orientation, and your work with your therapist has identified that you're gay, then I can say with a pretty high degree of confidence that you are gay, and the sexual addiction isn't artificially making you gay. I have the utmost respect for Joe Kort, and his knowledge in the field of LGBT psychology and sexology issues... and I think what he's written is pretty on the mark. Where it gets complicated is in intersection between sexual addiction/compulsion and sexual orientation. That's a sticky area (no pun intended) and filled with a lot of nuance. When he's talking about how extreme sexual compulsion can motivate someone to seek out sex regardless of whether it's with men or women... he's primarily talking about people who haven't worked on the issues in therapy and are simply numbing and acting out without any real awareness or self-work on what the issues are. I think it's pretty safe to say that by addressing both the sexual compulsions and the underlying sexual orientation issues in therapy, you've already got a clear picture, and the picture you have is most likely a very accurate one. Keep in mind that for many of us, as we accept that we are gay, particularly after 21 years of marriage... there are all sorts of psychological blocks that will get in the way; mechanisms of denial that, even as we accept ourselves, try and sow seeds of doubt because making a monumental change like that, after such a long time, is, for most people, terrifying. But I suspect you already know the right answer and are more looking to reassure yourself that you aren't making a huge mistake. If you haven't read "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love", I highly recommend it. (It has little to do with finding real love, and everything to do with understanding yourself.) There are a couple of chapters that deal directly with coming out when you're in a heterosexual marriage that will be helpful as you address the issue with your wife. I also highly recommend you check out Brené Brown's powerful TED talks on Youtube, "The Power of Vulnerability", "The Price of Invulnerability" and "Listening to Shame". These will relate very directly to what you're feeling, the numbing behaviors, and give you insight as to how these factors affect you. She's an engaging and very funny speaker and I think you'll both enjoy the presentations and find them really useful. Her books "Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly" both deal directly with numbing behaviors and provide great understanding of how to learn to live without being paralyzed by numbing. I hope you'll stick around here and continue to post. There are quite a few people in your situation here and it's a great place to be able to safely share what's going on for you. In the meantime,
I am way down the road with the Sex Addiction talk with my wife. It was the first thing I landed on after she caught me sending pictures to a man. It made sense. I couldn't stop myself. It was addictive behavior. I believe I acted in a addictive way. It was also a convenient disease for me because it explained the "irrationality" of sex with men. We've been in therapy for months now. She even knows that as far as my sexual orientation is concerned, I'm confused. I don't think my wife can really help me clear up the confusion. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to even think about it. She just wants to know the truth. Am I gay? Am I a sex addict? Am I both? My therapist and I have been working on that for a while and as I said before I'm pretty sure I am gay. I'm also pretty sure the pain I was numbing out with my addiction to sex was because I was working so hard to burry the real me. Denying true sexual orientation takes a lot of work. In that regard, I'm a success story!
I really am happy I found this place. Chip, thank you. I do believe I know what my true orientation is and I do have moments of fear facing the facts. Intellectually - or consciously I guess would be more accurate -- I'm very comfortable being gay. I also feel deep inside me that this is my truth. But homophobia and denial are so ingrained I think I will struggle for a while truly feeling confident as a gay man. I love Brene Brown and have watched all her youtube videos. They spoke to my core when I watched them some months ago. I will get the other Joe Kort book. You are so right about what happens when you stop the numbing out. Feelings do come to the surface. I went cold turkey on my addiction. My will power and some help from a 12 step group have allowed me to basically stop "acting out." During this period, the last six months, the deeply submerged gay me came to the surface and suddenly after a life time of robotic insensitivity I cry all the time. I cry on my way to work, a song hits me and I cry. I'm talking to a friend and boom, the waterworks start coming. Feelings all over the place. It's been kind of amazing. Anyway thanks for responding.
I agree!!!!!! Nothing to say on thread topic but since Skiff was giving out hugs could really use one or 100.
Based on what you say FM, it sounds like you're pretty sure on being gay but right now you're sort of bargaining with yourself. With you, it's "Maybe I'm a sex addict." With me it was "Maybe my desire to sleep with men is actually a fantasy about this or that but doesn't really mean I want to sleep with men." Or "Maybe I'm bi but it doesn't have to affect anything real in my life." If you love your wife, you owe her the truth. You owe yourself the truth as well.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. I lived through a very similar situation. I identify as a sex addict, and was acting out with other men while married to my wife. ALL my acting out was with other men, so I really couldn't deny my same sex attraction. Some people (in sex addiction recovery) consider themselves straight, but same sex obsessed. That might be true, but to me it sounds more like another shade of denial. But untangling those two things - orientation and sex addiction - is tricky. Therapy certainly helped me as well. There was so much shame (from the addiction) associated with the orientation (because that was the only way I interacted with men) that it made it difficult for me to feel good about my orientation. So know that you're not alone. I've been there too.
JIM: This quote meant a lot to me.... "But untangling those two things - orientation and sex addiction - is tricky. Therapy certainly helped me as well. There was so much shame (from the addiction) associated with the orientation (because that was the only way I interacted with men) that it made it difficult for me to feel good about my orientation." This is my fear. I've been so ashamed of my orientation and adding to that shame with addictive behavior with men... (I had a period of acting out with female massage parlors but the last 7 years has been nothing but men... all while married) that I'm scared I will never fully accept my orientation. My therapist wants me to be proactive and get to know more out people and join groups. He thinks I need to get comfortable with my orientation. I trust him. He's never forced me in any direction and I think he's looking out for my best interests. Thanks for your post. Your posts are always full of insight.
Hi FM, Your therapist's advice sounds pretty good. It sounds to me like your sex addiction stems from your shame about your orientation, your refusal to accept it. I certainly know what that's like. It would probably be fair to say I have been addicted to porn, some straight but mostly gay (by at least a 10:1 margin). Porn allowed me to keep things compartmentalized and myself in total denial about being gay. It was a substitute for genuine intimacy. I imagine that's true with sex addiction as well. Actual people are replaced by bodies to fulfill desire on a level that you can deal with. I have been struck by how little interest I have had in porn just since I started posting here a week ago. Being honest about my homosexuality has made the porn unnecessary. I'm a much happier and less obsessed person. cheers, Bill
I think this is a great idea too. Just like hanging out here virtually in EC. You're connecting with and interacting with other gay people in a non-sexual way - i.e. in a more healthy way. And you're seeing that gay people are fine. There isn't anything inherently wrong with being gay. Breaking those thoughts / associations that you've established in your head is important. Glad to be of help.
Same truth for me. I realized a couple weeks after I came out, that I was hardly looking at porn at all. Perhaps only for the lessons, since it was almost right away that I started having sex with men. :lol: I think its a good thing - to be doing instead of watching.:badgrin:
