Hi everyone, I've already introduced myself and my situation over here and been given a warm welcome. I already love it here! : http://emptyclosets.com/forum/welcome-lounge/92122-what-brought-me-here.html Here's where I'm at. Basically I've been in a relationship with a woman for 8 years who I dearly love. But unfortunately we are breaking up for several reasons, but one of them is my continuing confusion over my sexuality. I've always considered myself bisexual, and she knew this from the beginning and was fine with it. We basically agreed that a bisexual committing to a relationship is no different to a heterosexual committing, it's based on trust and if we were going to agree to a monogamous relationship, than I would have to make a choice and promise not to fool around on her, either with guys or with girls. I made that choice because I love her and I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I made my choice and thought I could settle into a happy relationship with a woman and just have a sneaky wank to some gay porn every now and then to satisfy my lust for men. This worked fine for years but things have really hit a wall now. I mean smashed into it headfirst, and there's no going back. The last year or so our relationship has stagnated. Neither of us can really say why, we just know it's not moving forward. We don't have sex anymore, there's very little intimacy or passion and it just feels like we're not going anywhere. We are both creative types - she's a musician, I'm a writer - and as a result are not exactly traditional. We both agree that our creativity comes first and aren't really interested in kids or marriage etc as that just gets in the way of our art and it's hard enough to make it in our respective industries without worrying about kids and spending thousands of dollars on a wedding. Anyway, the last six months or so I've been finding it harder and harder to deny my urge to be with a guy(s). It's possibly to do with the lack of sex in our relationship so obviously my mind turned to fantasies and other possibilities. Last weekend we had a big fight. It was the build-up of months (years?) of unhappiness. She packed her things and drove herself to Adelaide (I'm in Melbourne, Australia so that's about an 8 hour drive). She spent the weekend there, saw some gigs, bought a guitar, just got some space basically. I had a weekend at home alone. My mind reeled with the possibilities and before I knew it I was downloading a certain iphone app (for some reason this site censors the name of it, but I'm sure gay guys know the one I'm talking about, starts with G and ends with r) late on a Saturday night and had organised a no-strings attached hookup. I was a bit hesitant and the whole thing was very awkward as I'd been out of the game for so long, but once it came to the actual sex it was just like riding a bike so to speak (I'd had plenty of sexual experience with guys prior to meeting my gf). The truth is, I enjoyed it. I kept checkin myself mentally to see if I felt guilt, shame, anything. But I didn't. I was cheating on my girlfriend with a guy and I should have felt awful, but the truth is it felt so RIGHT. It just felt natural and beautiful and the way it was always meant to be for me. Of course, after I left his house and was alone again at home, there came the guilt...big time. My gf sent me a text and jokingly asked if I'd fooled around with a guy while she was away (she knew I'd been struggling with these urges). It all came out and I told her what I'd done. She was actually happy for me and said she felt relieved because at least she knows now that that's what I want. She actually congratulated me. We've gone through several stages since then. She's gone from hating me to accepting it, to actually apologising and saying it was her fault (so not true!). The break up is official and I'm moving out to deal with my sexuality once and for all and come out to my family and friends. The problem is, I'm still not sure if I'm coming out as bi or gay. 8+ years of a heterosexual relationship has really made that hard to decide. I could go on, but I don't want to make this post so long that no one will read it. I'd love to hear from other gay guys and girls who might have gone through a similar thing and how they dealt with the transition from long term hetero relationship to living a comfortable gay/bi lifestyle. I'm not really scared of coming out at all, most of my fear is based on guilt that I lived a lie with this beautiful woman for 8 years and that I actually don't know what I want. Oh and that I'm now single, and will be moving to a new place. Needless to say, my life has just taken a dramatic turn at a blistering speed. Help wanted! Thanks everyone
This is a classic story among us and I feel for you with all these changes. First, let go of the idea that you "lied" to her. You didn't, you love her and you wanted to be with her and for that love you made a commitment. Actually you told her more than most would, even at the beginning of your relationship! Now you have grown apart, and not only because of your sexuality, it happens. Thus freed, you now have had the opportunity to explore your "other side" over a weekend, and you have discovered something about yourself. You like it, probably more than you expected! I have found here that most gravitate to being gay rather than bi when they discover that they are no longer interested in being with or pursuing sex with women, or, they no longer include women in their erotic imagination (as opposed to responding to gay porn, which is much less reliable). For me, the thought of having a boyfriend, or perhaps a husband, eventually, clinched it for me, it was just such a strong and right feeling, I could not ignore it.
I can truly relate to your situation. I was out to my then-girlfriend, now-wife as bisexual early on and we still married and thought a committed relationship was possible. Although there has been no cheating, there has been a marked lack of intimacy that has been largely down to us ignoring the elephant in the room, that the vast majority of my sexual fantasies are about men. I would routinely need to fantasize about men in order to function with a woman. At first, she was excited by the idea, and played along, but then it was dropped and our sex life all but disappeared. I'm accepting myself as gay now, as I still derive the vast majority of my sexual arousal from thinking about men, AND I'm finally able to consider that men are not just objects to wank over, but that a real relationship is possible and even probable in my future. It is difficult to lose what we had. It hurts us both a lot. But it will work out for the best, even if at times it is hard to picture. I believe it will be the same for you.
well, alchemi, you and I certainly have lots I common, even down to the writer & musician pairing! You can check out my story "What took me so long. Oh right, I'm married," and see if it doesn't look very familiar to you. A few differences: I was never actively having sex with men before I met my wife. Too afraid. And whereas a number of my friends here have stopped identifying as bi and now describe themselves as gay, I still experience what I regard as genuine sexual desire for women. And in my long life, I have gone back and forth. Now I find myself in a vexing situation where I'm much more sexually aroused by the thought of being with a man than a woman, but my erotic bonding instinct still drives me toward women. This split I experience is the thing I keep stumbling over. Anyhow, you've definitely come to the right place. we have much to talk about. cheers, Bill
I was married for just over 5 years to my ex-husband and he too knew going in that I was bi. Over the years of being together things just died between us, even got downright horrible at the end. I didn't leave him because of my confused sexuality issues (I'm now wondering if I'm a lesbian or just a bi girl who has really really strong leanings towards women) but because of other things. Since we had gotten married and did have kids the split has been filled with drama and its been pretty awful. I got lucky and a girl I'd had feelings for before getting married (long story) was the first person I told when my marriage ended. She helped me through a lot of heartache and stress and BS from the ex from halfway across the country. As we talked and everything, we both admitted we still had feelings for each other and so we started dating long distance. That was complicated but visits every couple months helped. I want to give you the advice to take things slow, to just get to know yourself and not push things too fast, but honestly I didn't follow that advice myself so giving it would be kind of silly. I had been separated from my ex (not even divorced) a month the first time my girlfriend visited... Sometimes jumping in feet first is the way to go, just don't have too high of expectations I guess. Good luck!
