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Keeping to myself

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mlpguy88, Apr 16, 2013.

  1. Mlpguy88

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    I might just be thinking out load again but this has been on my mind lately. Realistically, I don't want to be "out to everyone". I've always been the type of person who keeps to themselves. But when it comes to family, i.e. my parents, is it bad that I don't really want to tell them?

    I mean I have been trying to convince myself but no matter how hard I try, I can't find a reason to tell them. If I thought I would ever be with someone, then that could be a reason, but I honestly can't convince myself.

    This could be just senseless rambling, but am I a bad person for feeling this way?
     
  2. LD579

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    Well... How do you think your parents would react if you told them? If you think they'll very much likely be supportive, there's no harm in telling them. It'd show that you trust them enough to tell them something important / special to you.

    Perhaps you don't feel particularly close to your parents, and see no reason for them to know. If that's the case, it's still fine. It's up to you, really.

    Some people just like to avoid the spotlight. Coming out to others can make spotlights hone in on you, more often than not, depending on how it's done.

    No matter what, though, you're not a bad person for feeling this way. Don't doubt it =)

    EDIT: Being gay doesn't make you any less of a child to your parents. You can still have kids (And so they would have grandkids), if you wish (Perhaps you don't). Parents honestly should not feel disappointed in a child telling them that they're gay. If they are disappointed, that has nothing to do with you, and it's their own baggage to deal with, honestly.

    If you do feel like a screw up kid... Perhaps you may wish to change that. Why do you feel that way? Without knowing more, I can't say anything that's more constructive...
     
    #2 LD579, Apr 16, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2013
  3. Mlpguy88

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    Well thank you for that

    But to answer your question, I am close with my parents. I know they wouldn't hate me for it, but I feel like they would be disappointed though. I already feel like they screw up kid, so why add to it, you know what I mean
     
  4. Hitch

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    when it comes to family tread softly. I wish i did. If you think there is even a chance they might react badly, i would not tell them if you depend on them.

    As for friends or co-workers, i'm not closeted but that doesn't that i have to just tell everyone. If that ask i'll tell. Until then i'll just let them assume i'm straight. No harm done.
     
  5. Mlpguy88

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    I guess I feel like the screw up kid because my two other siblings are both on track with their lives, I feel like I am drifting along most of the time.

    There is the other fact that I feel bad that I have basically been lying to them my whole life. I like to think that there is a difference between lying and not saying anything, but I still feel bad about it.
     
  6. Hefiel

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    It's not a lie if you didn't say anything!

    In all seriousness, even in the off-chance that you'd lie to your parents about your sexuality, if they are accepting of homosexuality, it's something they will understand. The expression "coming out of the closet" exist because we've hidden ourselves until that day, that's just how it works.

    As far as coming out or not, my sole reason for having come out to my parents is that I do intend to find a boyfriend (someday :lol:slight_smile: and I'd rather they be aware of it now and grow to accept it, than learn about it at the last minute when I'm on their front door with my boyfriend for Christmas or while getting caught in the middle of the act in my bedroom.

    I do intend to come out to "everyone" though, seems the best way to find a boyfriend is to be out there so I don't have much choice but to be "out" in public. Plus I need to be a bit less introverted.

    There's no hurry though. If you don't feel ready or feel like you want to be out, that's also a valid choice and there's nothing wrong with it.
     
  7. pinklov3ly

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    I don't think you're a screw up just because you aren't exactly where you want to be in life. It takes time for some of us to find our niche in life. And I'm assuming that discovering you're gay kind of threw you for a loop. It surely put a damper on my self esteem for the longest time.

    I wouldn't consider not coming out to them as lying. You are entitled to some privacy; I mean, coming out isn't easy at all. I came out to my Mom when I was 18 and my Dad last year. I'm not exactly sure why I waited so long to tell him, but he's been very accepting of me. I think you should give things I bit more time because you're not ready to come out yet. There's no rush, but if you're ready how about you try writing it in a letter?
     
    #7 pinklov3ly, Apr 17, 2013
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  8. Mlpguy88

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    I've actually had a letter ready for the past year but can't bring myself to give it to them.

    I keep thinking that I just need more time, but how much time is too much? I feel like if I was going to do this then it would have happened already.
     
  9. Hefiel

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    Take as much time as you need. There's no point in hurrying it if you're not comfortable with it. It's also possible that you might need someone to support you in coming out (a boyfriend, or a close friend who's accepting).

    Just take your time.
     
  10. Mlpguy88

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    Getting comfortable with it is hard for me, my sexuality has bothered me since I was 12.

    damn, I wish this was easier.
     
  11. Hefiel

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    My sexuality has bothered me for about as long as yours (since I was 11-12, I'm currently 22 as well). In fact, I just came out this Monday (April 15th) to my parents. It's not easy, but once you get past the first hurdle it definitively gets easier. Admittedly, I wasn't comfortable with telling them yet, but that's a different story.
     
  12. Mlpguy88

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    Wow I just came out to my friend on March 15th, and yeah, I still wasn't comfortable with the idea, it just kind of happened.
     
  13. nydtc

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    I totally relate to the drifting idea - I drifted thru my 20's - drinking too much, eating too much and then worked too much into my 30's. I never focused on my own acceptance until my mid 30's - when I did it sucked for a while but the other side is soooo great!! I am more relaxed, focused - I just like myself in a way I never did. I wish and hope you find the same inner peace.
    Now as to the parents - you should tell them when you are ready. Now ready doesn't mean you need to have fully accepted yourself. If your Dad is the more like to be accepting - talk with first - this road is easier when we feel loved and safe.
    One last thought, I lost my parents at a young age - and was never honest about who I was with them ( or myself at the time). One of my great regrets is now having that conversation regardless of the outcome - just to know.
     
  14. maxx

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    MLP - the main reason for telling your folks that you are gay is that it is the truth - it is who you are - and that's great! It isn't *everything* that you are, but it is an important part of who you are. I lived for 50 years before I screwed up the courage to finally be me - I wish I hadn't waited so long. I'd like to think people can learn from my mistakes. Now that I'm out, I realize that the world has moved on and is incredibly accepting. I was the problem - not everyone else.

    Hugs,
    Maxx
     
  15. PeteNJ

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    And its about being able to talk about yourself and not censor your words, use those annoyingly non-gender pronouns, or hold back your excitement about something you are doing that is LBGT/etc.

    I think the best reason to come out is to not have secrets from people in your life.

    The next best -- the incredible freedom you have of never having to worry about what you're saying to whom and how you're saying it.

    Oh -- and I find that being out -- changes my outlook on relationships completely. Its no longer about a one night stand. It means maybe, just maybe, there's a boyfriend out there for me.