Being in the closet around virtually everyone combined with the stress of hearing homophobic comments from friends and having constant arguments with my parents about LGBTQ topics has really ratcheted up my anxiety, to the point where I sometimes physically feel sick and just want to hide in my room for the entire day. I don't think my therapist can really do her job properly if she isn't fully aware of all the anxiety triggers in my life, and she certainly can't help with something she doesn't know is a problem, but I have a few concerns about telling her. First off, we're in Texas - that's a big enough problem by itself. It's really impossible to know what something thinks about these issues here, even if their job or position would lead you to assume they'd be cool about it. I know psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. should be good about this sort of thing, but according to all the horror stories I've heard (over half of them from the south, go figure) that's sadly not the case. Second, I'm not out to my parents and am definitely not ready to be. I'm worried that if it's something she isn't on board with, I'll be completely stuck since I can't just ask for a new therapist (they'd want to know why) and I would be very uncomfortable continuing to have her as a therapist. What do you guys think? It would probably be good for me at this point to be able to come out to her, but things will get really sticky if it doesn't go well. Any advice, tips, thoughts, etc.?
I think it's be good to come out to her. She can't out you to your parents, there are confidentiality rules against that. As far as her not being accepting, perhaps you could Google her and see what comes up? I guess I'm lucky that my therapist is a gay man that I selected just to deal with these issues. It's really easy to talk to him about stuff, and it seems that he genuinely understands.
Try to find out if she's supportive of LGBT+ people and issues. Try to see if there's any info on her on the internet, or maybe she has little posters in her room (not her bedroom, the therapy room thingy~) about LGBT+ stuff (like something that has a little rainbow flag, or something, would be a sign that she's open to those topics). If all else is too inconclusive, you can just ask her what she thinks about the topic. You could always just say that some friend just came out to you, and that you don't know what to think (I don't really condone lying, but in this case it sounds like you may need to do it to test the waters, just so that things remain ideal for you and your emotional safety). Don't make it too complicated, though. As for having another therapist... It's always an option. It's not so strange at all to change therapists. Definitely not.
Well, I just spent the past 15 minutes googling around for information and couldn't find anything. I guess I'll keep an eye out for anything when I go into her office on Monday. I've actually thought about coming up with a story about a friend being gay or something, and gauge her reaction from that. It's good to know someone else thinks it might be a viable option (using caution, of course.) I guess I'll spend a little more time thinking about how I want to address that. The only reason I'm worried about having to potentially change therapists is because I tend to have a very difficult time opening up to people (at least in person/with people who know me, I can be extremely open with people on the internet who have no idea who I am) and it takes me a while to warm up to someone, even a therapist, enough to talk openly with them about personal stuff. So to suddenly ask to switch to a complete stranger to discuss personal issues with like anxiety and depression would send up a huge red flag for my parents, and they are almost certain to inquire pretty heavily about it. But with any luck, that isn't something that's going to happen anyway
I think that as a therapist you must come across many different kind of people, and be open to all! How else can you function properly? Of course she is a person with feelings, but she probably wanted to become a therapist to help people, and that includes you! If you trust her, and like her, I think she might be a good person to start with. But it's as you said, if you feel more comfortable waiting until you know for sure, that is the way to go. Do what feels right to you!
In my opinion the only way a therapist will be able to help is to know everything that may be relevant. In my personal case my depression and anxiety were very tied into my repressed homosexuality. I "knew" I was gay but wouldn't accept it (I really wanted to just be straight) and because I was afraid other people would find out I was constantly on alert and self-aware of everything leading to anxiety. My stress levels were through the roof. Because I was so stressed and anxious and at times hating myself I became depressed. I'm NOT saying your issues are the same as mine - but depression and anxiety can have lots of root issues and hiding something that MAY be a root issue from your therapist is only doing yourself a disservice.
Yeah, I've been worried that I'm just getting in my own way. My issues aren't quite the same as yours (I've had anxiety issues since I was around 4, and I've had depression issues on and off since I was about 11) but this is something that I'm pretty sure is adding to it. I thought it was something I'd be able to handle just fine on my own, but the more time I spend thinking about it, the more nervous and uncertain about everything I become. I mean, my parents are pretty heteronormative and are always warning me about the "gay agenda" in everything nowadays, so my feeling is that if they found out I was bi they would either dismiss me because I was confused and mislead by the "gay agenda" or they would get pissed off at the "gay agenda" for confusing their poor daughter. In addition, my mom is always talking about how much she wants grandkids and actually started crying (!!!) when I mentioned a while ago that I wasn't sure I would end up having kids. My best friend is something of a fundamentalist Christian, and quite homophobic herself, but her parents (especially her dad) are much worse and I'm worried about losing our friendship either because of her not wanting to be friends with me anymore or especially if her parents found out. A lot of my friends and people I see on a regular basis are homophobic to some extent, a large handful of them heavily so. Some members of my extended family are the type who would cut me and my family off from them if they found out, and while I don't really care about most of them, I'm worried it would negatively impact me being able to visit other family members, or worse make it more difficult for my immediate family. So even though it's not the root of all my anxiety, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't all getting to me and I didn't need help dealing with it. I think it would be really good for me to be able to talk to my therapist about it and have a healthy environment, so I'll do my best to scope out her feelings on the topic when I go to see her again on Monday. Keeping my fingers crossed that things will turn out for the best. Thank you all for your advice and thoughts!
I gave this advice to someone else here this week, but it's worth repeating: you can ask your therapist if she will keep anything confidential that you tell her. Chances are good (although I can't guarantee this) that she'll say yes, unless you are threatening to harm yourself or someone else. This should reassure you on one level. Plus you can make it clear at this point that your parents are to hear nothing. And also this will lead to one huge issue you have: being forced to be in the closet. I like the idea of asking casually about LGBT matters. Chances are she should be tolerant, even if she doesn't specialize in LGBT. Again, no guarantees. If you can't talk openly about being bi, then at that point I'd strongly suggest trying to find a way of getting another therapist, no matter what you have to do, no matter what cover story you have to come up with. You deserve a therapist who can work with you, who can help you, and who can deal with your problems. I won't speak about your issues like depression and anxiety. But I will say: I have my issues, and there's no doubt in my mind that I'd have been a lot better off if I'd been honest with myself about my sexual orientation years back. ---------- Post added 12th Apr 2013 at 04:59 PM ---------- As for your family, here's the bitter reality. You can live your life the best you can. Or you can live to your family's standards, and more than likely have a miserable life. Take a good, long hard look at the LGBT in later life sections to see what it's like for those of us who live the "straight, normal life" when we aren't straight. Your family--at least part of it--might come around in time. For now, I urge you to stay in the closet until you are in a safer place in your life--that is, independent of your parents. But when you do come out, they may re-access things. No guarantees, but it does happen. As for friends, it may be comforting to know that is a worry I have. At this point, circumstances force me to stay in the closet. But I plan to come out fully sooner or later, and I'm worried that it will cost me at least one friend. But...I don't feel like I can spend the rest of my life in the closet. Narnia is lovely, but I'd like to be able to fully live in this world.
Good news! I managed to tell her today, and she was very supportive! She applauded me on the courage it took, and asked if I had a good support group, if my parents knew, if I'd told any of my friends and if I'd gotten a good reaction from them, etc. And she understood how much stress this was placing on me, so she took that into account while reviewing how things had been going for me since I'd last seen her. I feel really great now that I've got that worry off my chest :icon_bigg
Congratulations! It's great that she was supportive (as she very well should have been, but still), and it's great that you can fully be yourself and talk about all of your worries and issues with her now =) It likely wasn't easy, but you still managed to do it. Cheers to you!
