53 and on my way out.. wanting advice on what to do

Hi Robert,
I read your latest posting and had to respond to something you said. I'm in a similar situation with a minor child in the home. You said you would leave everything to your wife and be financially generous. Of course, you will want to make sure your children are taken well care of, but please don't give everything to your wife out of a sense of guilt or obligation. You've probably worked hard to accumulate assets and you are entitled to your share and you're not so young to start over. You'll be happier in your new life if you're financially stable and you'll be more able to help out your kids when issues arise as we know they will. You should work out a settlement agreement legally. I just told my wife about your posting and even she agrees with me. Please look out for yourself and be careful what you promise. Your kids will be better for it.
Best wishes,
Eric

 

Hello Robert,

I know you're seeking advice from men, and it sounds like you've gotten a lot of words of wisdom. While I'm not a man, I can talk a little about coming out to your spouse.

My situation is this: I'm 42 and have been married to my (second) husband for two years. But, I have known him my entire life. This is the fourth relationship we've had, so while we've haven't been married long, we've known each other forever.

I am my husband's true love. We were apart for 15 years, and during that time, he pines for me and compared every woman he dated to me. He was so hung up on me that he never married, although he had opportunities.

Now, none of this is healthy, of course, but it gives you a sense of his state of mind. When we got back together, it was a dream come true.

Now, imagine telling this man that oops, sorry babe, but I'm gay.

I knew I had to tell him, but I was sick about it. I, like you, was so certainly I'd crush him. After all, his hopes and dreams were pinned on me--how could I let him down like that?

Ultimately, of course, if I wanted to be true to myself, and honest with him, I had no choice. So I told him. Two days ago.

His response? He was kind and understanding. He was glad I was able to open up to him. He's also sad and confused, but it was nowhere near the disaster I was expecting. In fact, he wasn't entirely surprised by the news.

My point is this: Often, we think we know what people think or how they will react, when in fact, we're simply guessing. It turns out that often, we really have no idea.

This is not to say that it won't be difficult to tell your wife (and I don't have children, so that's one issue I'm not dealing with), or that there aren't difficult time ahead for me and my husband, but remember--you don't know what she's thinking or how she'll react until you talk to her.

Good luck--I know how hard this is.

--Zoe

 

I haven't been in your position, but even a 'straightforward' coming out can be emotionally exhausting. I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be in a married with children situation.

I wish you courage and strength to follow through on your difficult decision, and I hope that it brings freedom and relief to you, and also to your wife and children.

 

Hi lateRobert,

I have no advice because you are far ahead if me. Ours stories are so similar:


Living a lie for so long has taken a toll with so much guilt, frustration, and depression. I can honestly say the only thing that kept me from doing something terrible was thoughts of my kids having to deal with that for the rest of their lives, and how much it could screw up their future.

It is exactly what I have lived but I haven't yet taken the leap to be with any guys, sexually (sigh)
I just want to give you support and wish you the best as you go forward. I hope it works out with that guy; it would be "sweet", my sons favorite expression.

 

In addition to other factors, have you discussed this matter with your spouse, the kids' mother, and obtained some input on how to handle and disclose the information? What I've generally heard is that, when it comes to fathers, daughters handle it better than sons. Generally. Either way, all the kids generally come around.

 

Oh yeah, been there for sure. Not saying anything at all, it turns out, is the big betrayal from my wife (and kids') perspective. It is really scary and hard because you are right, there's no turning back, things change forever, but while part of that will be hard, part will be so positive it's hard to imagine at this point.

You are also right that you need to do this, because continuing will not be good for anyone -- especially not for you, but also not for them either, because sooner or later it will come out.

It'll be really really hard at first, they'll be upset and more, but keep the longer term in view. If you have strong relationships with your kids that doesn't just disappear. My thoughts are with you Robert! Hugs. Eddy

 

Hey,

I was at a straight bar last night where all the local gays went after the raising of the pride flag for the beginning of pride month. We took over the place. Awesome night.

After 21 years I got to be me again. That whole thing worried me. How will I fit in after living this buttoned down lie all my life.

Glad to say not an issue at all. It was natural as breathing. Met some great guys, talked with some friendly gals, and although I am 100% gay there was a gorgeous Asian girl there (bi) and I could tell her "hey I am gay, but you are a beautiful woman" and not feel awkward for the first time in my life.

Is "fagtastic" a word? No going back? THANK GOD!!!

I hope your transition is like mine.

 

Robert, I think your wife and children probably already know that you are suffering. Maybe they can't pinpoint what it is but they know something's not right. They may be relieved to know it's not a major illness or something bad like that. Then there comes a time when you say to yourself "I'm dong it today. No more setting dates." If you wait for the ideal conditions they may never come together. Just plan for the likely contingencies and then do it. Is there someone you think would be accepting that you could come out to first? Coming out gets easier the more you do it. BTW, I burst out of the closet; wearing rainbow stuff, wearing sparkly nail polish, marching in the pride parade and going clubbing every week-end. Now I've settled down a bit. I still wear rainbow stuff sometimes. I wish you happiness whatever you decide.

 

Re: Handle fell off the closet door

This isn't just your "happiness". This is about an essential part of who you are. You yourself said you would go crazy if you don't come out. That's not being unhappy, that's being unable to be true to yourself.

yes this will turn their world upside down -- I'm seeing that myself. But in the longer run this is better for everyone. For your kids, because they'll finally have a dad who is true to himself, and for me that has made a huge difference in my overall mood, attitude, etc. And also to your wife; like yours, mine too was in love with me despite not a great relationship in the last years. But think about it, is it better to be in a relationship where you don't even really know what the actual status of it is, where you are living in an unreal fantasy; or to understand the true nature of your relationship with a husband who can now be true to himself.

Sorry this has dragged on for you, it must be enormously difficult. I'm thinking of you and sending some positive thoughts your way. Be strong and soon you'll be out. Like bigguy50 said, there's never a perfect moment. I myself didn't plan, it just came out spontaneously one evening. Wish I'd done it earlier.

 

Yes, for me it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

 

Hi Robert, you are in a tough spot now but over thinking it isn't going to help matters, the sooner you come out to your wife the sooner everyone can move forward, so please release the hand brake and go and tell your wife, have a drink or 2 so that will relieve some anxiety but will you hurry up, most of what I have read that people don't regret coming out, sure there may be better ways but all wished they had done it sooner.

I told a friend a few months back I was gay, it didn't care what I told him but was surprised I took so long to tell him, by the way he was surprised, he had no idea.

This weekend tell her then report back to us.

 

Sooner -- much much better than later. For everyone.

Once I accepted myself, which was both the hardest as well as easiest part of this journey (ridiculously hard to SAY IT, but once I put the pieces together, life made more sense than ever), the coming out had to happen.

I first told a couple of my best (straight) friends. I needed someone to know -- that I could get advice from and who would be there to hold my hand and deal with my anxiety and tears. (both before and after, I thought).

Actually sitting down and telling the people in my life -- yes, the first were the hardest. Because they were the people that I didn't want to be rejected by, and the ones I didn't want to hurt.

And I made it all about "me." My story, my truth, my journey. I didn't want anyone to think that they made this harder, were at fault (especially my girlfriend), could have done things differently.

For me, when I write down my goals, say "tomorrow tell Bill I'm gay" -- it's much more likely to happen than if I just think it to myself.