I pretty much echo allnewtome's reply. 8 years ago I was contemplating coming out and then I meet a woman who I end up with for 8 years. Completely confusing and totally disorienting. I remember thinking to myself "just see what happens" knowing that I had an attraction to men back then. Something/somewhere along the line things clicked with us and now I'm here in this position...confused, wanting answers now, frustrated, heartbroken. I've always just wanted to be in a 'loving relationship'. Having been in that then losing it is hard to get over...any orientation. allnewtome - the demisexual orientation that greatwhale suggested seems fitting. Did it strike a chord? It kind of did for me but I'm thinking that it might be a bit of internalized homophobia although I'm beginning to accept myself more and not be afraid to be gay if that's what I am but of course it throws me for a loop when I think about having been in a relationship with a woman and being happy in it. I also have read about the relationship challenges that the bi community faces and also a bit scary and confusing. :bang:
It did strike a chord but I know I do have physical attractions without the emotional too. I seem to get to a point where I'm ready to accept myself as gay and then something happens-I dream of a woman, see a woman and imagine sex with her and the I try to accept myself as bi and then for a few days the thought of women doesn't enter my mind at all and then I'm back to trying to accept myself as gay and round and round i go..
Yeah..same here. I guess all I can say is I know how it is. If we're talking Kinsey scale I'd probably rate myself a 5 having been in a relationship and all but but ultimately still don't know. I had a dream a while back about my ex that we had gotten back together and it made me so happy in my dream. Then because I wasn't getting turned on from gay porn I tried straight porn and watching it kind of got me aroused enough to climax from it...
That's what keeps getting me most days I'd say I'm a 5, some a 4, some a 3...but never and absolute. I'd like an absolute. I'd like to be able to define it all to a tee which I know come back to the whole "what if I come out and I'm wrong"...
I think the key here is you're looking for a definition in terms of the extremes ie: gay or straight and aren't allowing for another definition here which is bi. You've said that you've accepted yourself as bi in other posts. I know it's a tough one to wrap your head around but let's try that...I say 'let's' because I should be heeding my own advice here. Hang in there and just know you're not alone...
Ya I guess when I say I've accepted myself as bi it's more accurate to say I've accepted that I am attracted to men. The bi thing doesn't feel like it fits most days-and I can't quite put my finger on why. Thank you not feeling so alone in all of this has been a big help.
