Hey. So, recently with all of the marriage equality stuff going on, just about everyone at my school is talking about how they believe that it is sick and morally wrong. The majority of the people at my school hate gays with a passion, and look for reasons to call people queers all the time. There's like 2 gay guys at my school, and they get messed with so much. I used to accept myself, but after all of this I really want to live a fake life, and get married to a woman and adopt children. I've dated girls in the past, which made me think that I'm bi, even though I wasn't really attracted to them. I would be so much happier if my parents never knew about my attractions, and they would continue to love me. If I were to come out, not only would they hate me, they might disown me. My dad thinks all gays should go to prison. The only support that I'm getting is from the EC community. All the people I associate with hate gays, and if I were to hang out with other people, I would be labeled a loser or whatever. Most people already think that I'm gay because I haven't dated a girl in a year. What should I do about this? Coming out would basically make my life pure hell. I really just want to live life like a straight person, get married to a godly woman and have kids. What should I do?
Oh, darling don't do that to yourself. You'll lead a much happier life if you can learn to accept, and love yourself regardless of what others say. Not everyone in the world thinks the way the people in your school, or even your family members do, as you can see by the support you've been getting from the EC community. If you think you can't handle being out now, you can always wait until you move out of your parent's house, pick the friends that you know will love and support you no matter what, and find a partner to be happy with. I understand that living in a world were you're surounded by homophobic heterosexuals is hard, and of course it's unfair, but you should remind yourself that, that is not the community you belong in and that just because they accept their heterosexuality as what's right and homosexuality as what's wrong, doesn't mean that it istrue. This is who you are, and you should never try to conform to other people's ideas of normal or good; branch out, find your own definition of happy and go with it. Being Gay is natural, no matter what other's may think. So to end my rant I'll say this: living your life as a straight person will not make you happy, if it comes at the cost of who you really are. So be yourself, because as the quote says, those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
vhrebels, as someone who spent a long time in the closet, I understand exactly what you’re going through. But I must say that living a fake life will not bring you happiness. I spent six years not being true to myself, and I was miserable every day. When I was in the closet, I used to consider living a double life, too: “Marry a woman, have kids, go looking for casual encounters with men, and keep my secret from everyone!” Now, I can’t even imagine actually choosing to spend a lifetime like that. I know that it’s difficult to go through all of this – especially in an intolerant, close-minded town. And I’m NOT saying that you need to come out now and face the wrath of your community. One thing to remember is that even though you feel trapped there now, you don’t have to stay there forever. This is obviously not a community that is going to be supportive of who you are. Have you considered your plans after you finish High School? College is a great opportunity to make new friends and gain support. Perhaps something to consider would be going to school somewhere far away from your hometown, where people are more open-minded. And after College, your choices are limitless. You can go anywhere you want to. And you will find people who will be supportive and accepting of who you are. Remember that you are a wonderful person inside and out – and there is nothing wrong with you! Remember that IT DOES GET BETTER! When you’re on your own, you’ll be able to live your life as you choose. When you begin to make friends that you know will support you, you can begin to come out to close friends (when you feel you’re ready to). The more people you begin to tell, the bigger your safety net becomes. You may meet someone special, too! Another important thing that you should really consider is who, besides yourself, living a double life would affect. Don’t think that your wife and kids would be unaffected by it. There are a lot of gays and lesbians who have tried to do what you’re considering, and the results are never good. It’s hard enough for your spouse (who will have to be married to someone who isn’t attracted to her), but think of what it will be like for your children, who will be raised in a loveless environment (between you and your wife). That is detrimental to a child’s development! The “double life” has a lot of side effects – including depression, indifference, even repressed anger and hatred (which can lead to abuse). Alcohol and drugs may end up being used as coping mechanisms. That’s not something that you want to put yourself, or anyone else, through. As RedLight said, doing something like that at the cost of your identity will not make you happy. Quite the opposite. Consider your options, and remember again: you do not have to be trapped there forever, and once you get out (college, etc.) I guarantee you will be able to start blossoming into your true self. Building your self-confidence and self-acceptance will help to bolster your esteem when dealing with bigoted people like the ones from home. It may seem scary to leave people behind, but ask yourself if you really want those people in your life. Even your parents – if they can’t love and accept you for who you are. I can’t tell you what to do, vhrebels. I can’t tell you who to come out to or who not to come out to. I can’t tell you who to keep in your life or who to leave behind. And I can’t tell you where to go, or what you should do with your life. That is for you to decide. All I can do is offer advice, but you have to pick what you think will be best for your own unique situation. As I said before, one thing to consider is possibly picking a college that will put some distance between you and your home community. There are all sorts of outlets in college that are supportive and nurturing. And you can find a lot of friends who will be supportive of you (if you choose to come out to them). The one thing I can tell you, though, is that leading a double life for the acceptance of others is NOT the answer. It will not make you happy. It will not make your wife or kids happy, either. No matter what you do, you have to be true to yourself. At the risk of sounding incredibly cheesy: Listen to your heart, and it’ll point you in the right direction. I hope that was helpful in some way! Remember that you are loved and supported no matter what – at least by the EC community!
Dude, you're in HIGH SCHOOL! Life is not defined by what happens in high school. I grew up a reasonably homophobic existence as well - therefore, I remained closeted until now, when it's even still difficult to come out (I can live openly where I live, but telling family is another matter entirely). Like other posters have said, evaluate your options for college. I think you'll find acceptance there, and then after that, you can move to a city that's more accepting of who you are, and you can live a happy, fulfilled life.
I guarantee there are many LGBT students at your school besides the two that you mentioned. You're in high school, everyone is a dick. High school is not an accurate representation of the real world outside of K-12. You'll be so much happier if you come to accept yourself.
Take it one day at a time Perhaps its best to on the down low in school Larger decisions await you in the years to come
I think it definitely is common to think like this, probably even more so in the south. I grew up in Canada, but in a more rural area and I know the attitude around there wasn't exactly the most friendly towards anything that's different. I'm still here, and I still get to listen to people talk harsh about shit like being gay every so often and it still sucks. Even though I'm not out though, the comments can almost feel directed at me and make me feel like shit, but they don't make me want to live a lie just to make them happy. It used to, but you just have to get to the 'fuck them' point and just look forward and do what you want. I'm getting there, and still have a ways to go before I will be comfortable enough to actually pursue anything, but it's even a relief just to know there's others out there in the same boat and others that have been in that boat and made it to shore successfully. Just deal with high school the best way you can, it's shitty for a lot of people and there's usually not a whole lot you can do to change your situation in that time either. Also I think what's taking me so long is that I decided against college, but every things slowly working out still and I'm keeping optimistic. You should too.
Everyone has covered a lot so far.... My advice? Live through high school. And if you plan to attend college, even community college at first, try moving out of the Southern United States. I can imagine being gay at any high school in Alabama is a living hell, just like it would be in another really conservative area. There are places all over the US where you can be out of the closet, be happy, and not have to worry about being made fun of or chastised for being gay. I lived in Seattle for a while and that was the happiest I've ever been being "out of the closet". But now I live in a small town in Texas and have to be much more careful if I want to be relatively happy. Just food for thought.
About the only thing I'd add to what everyone else has said here is that there are also options if college is not what you are seeing in your future or you have financial concerns about paying for college. Joining the military has suddenly become an option for example, although you might want to talk to someone who is both out and active duty about that (I live where there are tons of military people and have several military friends and it can be a tough life in its own right. But also very rewarding for some people). There are probably at least one or two in EC or there are various organizations that you could contact if that is something you are interested in. The bottom line would seem to be finishing out high school and then picking a path that gets you out of the South and far, far away from the people in your home town. I personally favor a minimum of a 2hr plane ride being required to see any member of my family, but that's just me Good luck and hang in there. And please keep posting to EC. Todd
America seems a horrible place to be gay. I know that sounds weird but it's true. In England, we have barely any homophobes. Well not many in my city. We get the odd people who make jokes and stuff but the whole community isn't homophobic. I feel for you living where you live and I hope you make the best out of your life. Come out when you're ready and you will be happier. You can't live a lie.
What's the point of living if your whole life is a lie? You are you. I know this is hard, but you can pull through. If you go through with your plan then you may find yourself later desperately trying to pull your life together. It wouldn't be fair to your partner, and it wouldn't be fair to you. I know your situation is bleak, but we are all rooting for you. Maybe it doesn't help your present situation but know that all over the planet you have people thinking of you and wishing you the best. I'm not telling you to come out now, but I think that you will truly be a happier person if you do come out some years down the road, hopefully in a more accepting environment. No matter how hard it is, being who you are will always be easier than living a lie.
I'd qualify that with some parts of America are horrible places to be gay. Just as I'm certain there are some parts of England where it's horrible to be gay. There are other parts, however, that make up for the bad ones. Where I live in NYC for example, there's nothing wrong with being gay, you can live an out life and no one is going to bother you for it. Where the OP lives in Alabama, however, I'd imagine that there is quite the problem with being gay. The OP just needs to know that there is life in this country where being gay is hospitable, and that not all of the country is as negative in their views as the deep south.
I'm would really like to go to college somewhere far away, but my father lost his job last December and I really can't afford to go somewhere where I don't get a scholarship. My dad is friends with the head coach of a major basketball school in North Carolina, and he might could get me an athletic managing job and scholarship up there. Is North Carolina better than the bible belt?Also, since I would be fairly involved with the University, and if I'm worried that if I were to come out to some people, other people would know. Is it hard to be partially out of the closet, but not letting other athletes or coaches know?
In my experience, high school students are a lot more homophobic than university students. I don't know if it's a developmental thing or what, but definitely don't judge society in general based on high school.
:goodevil:You think this is what life for gays is like: you're wrong, this what life for gays in high school is like. There are better things to come, and lots of more people willing to accept you and love you for who you are out there. In the meanwhile, please be strong for me!
