So I just read this and you may or may not read this... but to quote what someone said in a previous post, "just because there's chemistry does not mean it's meant to be". I was in a similar relationship such as this and the chemistry was undeniable. On paper, we seemed like soul mates... I invested years and years into this relationship only to end up with nothing to show for it except a lot of heartache, stress, sadness, years of my life wasted, missed opportunities with other people... etc. etc. Nothing good came of it, but I was very stubborn and thought this person was totally worth it. A lot of what you write hits home and any advice I would give you would be no different than what everyone else has said to you... but just by what you write and the way you write it, it seems like you're just resigned to something that "may happen"... a very questionable "may". It's not easy, but if you were my really good friend, I would tell you to let go... count your losses. Just by reading what you've written in the past, it seems like you know the answer. There's also a 6 year difference... and, at least in terms of emotional maturity, that's a HUGE difference... and if and when he does come around, you may have a whole other set of problems on your plate. You know what you should do, but obviously you don't want to do it because you keep allowing yourself into this vicious cycle... the right decision is generally never the easiest. Good luck.
It seems like much of my life is one vicious cycle after another. That said, you are probably 100% right. I really should just let it all go. I just don't have it in me. I can't just walk away from all this. I probably have wasted a lot of time and energy in all this. One thing I do know is that there have been no missed opportunities with other people. My life is not one of much opportunity, especially when it comes to other people. My train of thought is that if I really have nobody, else, something is better than nothing. You are right about my resignation to something "maybe" happening sometime down the road. I really can't help but think that way. I do chalk up a lot of this to our difference in emotional maturity. I, myself, am nowhere near where I should be with emotional maturity either. Most people have more relationship experience by the time they're 14 than I do now. I'm seeing my friend slowly grow in maturity level and he's moving off to college next month which should help him along with maturity as well. I figure if theres anything there, the next year or so will be very telling just because of what everyone says about their college experiences with becoming more self aware. i'm really not counting on anything happening but I have no one else, and doubt I will for a long time. This current friendship has met much of my emotional needs for a relationship, just nothing physically. I'm bitter enough as it is. I need to believe that something good has to happen somewhere, sometime in my life. I figure if I put enough into something I'm bound to get something in return. I'm really making it a point not to count on, or depend on anything with him. I just do not believe he's as straight as he says he is. I see a person who's too afraid to even question himself, and it's obvious he hasn't. He says he likes girls because he believes he's straight and that's what he's supposed to do. His eyes alone tell a different story. I know I need to give up on the whole sexuality thing and I basically have. I'm going with what he's told me, and acting appropriately. I don't have to actually believe him to act like i do. I feel it will all be alright as long as I make sure to tell him when he's crossing the boundary again, which he's already starting to do. If I just keep reminding him of how gay he's acting I think he will cut some of it out, or finally start looking more into himself and realizing his true feelings. I don't know. I really don't know what the right thing to do is. Cutting him out of my life and leaving him all alone in his own misery hardly seems like the right thing. Then again risking my own mental health doesn't seem quite right either. He's just so unhappy with everything in his life as it is, I feel bad leaving him alone, as i know I'm one of the only positive influences he has, and it's obvious that being around me makes him happy. Maybe that's why I'm still want him around, nobody has ever made me feel like i mattered to them before. with him it's obvious that i'm an important part of his life. Whether or not he always acts that way is a whole different story. For now I guess I'm the stupid stubborn moron who will continue to torment himself for the sake of others. At least now i know that if someone else comes along I wouldn't turn them down.
Oy... reading this is extremely frustrating. I've been in exactly the same position as you are and can relate almost to the T with everything you're saying. My mom is right when she says "no one learns through other people's mistakes" (Nadie aprende en cabeza ajena). This kind of thinking is what allows you to stay in that vicious cycle. You're already damning yourself before giving yourself the opportunity to experience something meaningful and healthy. His burdens are not yours... it's like you letting borrow someone $1000 dollars when you only have $5 in the bank. I really benefited from seeing a therapist.... one who takes the behavioral approach (helps you see why one does/acts a certain way) and one who specialized in LGBT issues and I can tell you that it really helped me a lot, if you're honest with yourself and honest about getting better. Even if you wanted to maintain the friendship, wouldn't you want to work on yourself and make yourself better so as to be a better friend to this guy? The reason I'm being so persistent about this is because I can just see this going nowhere good, and quickly... You know this isn't good for you and yet, you put it upon yourself to carry this weight because you feel like it's your only out... I dunno. I wish you nothing but the best, but you also have to want the best for yourself.
I really appreciate your helpful words. I really do. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I really don't feel like I deserve anything better. This will likely go nowhere positive. I am aware of that. It's just my ridiculous stubbornness that keeps me thinking that there has to be some sort of a light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. This really probably isn't all that good for me, but I don't think being alone is all that good either. At least holding onto this friendship, I'm holding onto a connection with a person that makes me feel a little less alone in the world. The closeness we have together is something I've never known before, and didn't think even existed. Maybe there is something better out there and I will be open to it if it comes along. I really don't feel like I deserve anything better. I feel like there's something wrong with me and it's to turn away someone who can accept all these flaws and still stick by me. There has to be a reason for all this nonsense. There has to be a reason he came into my life. I need to keep some hope to not let my bitterness take me over. At the end of the day I know that I need to keep some emotional distance. Not that that's hard as I keep emotional distance from basically everyone. I'm just too selfless to abandon someone when they've expressed their need for me. I just want to be there when he finally grows up and can look inward at himself. It will likely yield nothing for me, but there's still that chance. I see too much of myself 4 or 5 years ago in him now. I would have killed to have a friend like me back then. If I can do anything to help him i want to. I have learned a few things though. Whatever his sexuality really is, he is nowhere near being emotionally ready for a relationship. When he gets to that point, and he decides that maybe there's something more between us then I would go for it. I'm really not counting on it now though. I'm more or less just keeping all options open. I guess what's hard for me is that I have a hard time falling for people. I've only had like 6 or 7 crushes in my life. I've loved like 3 people. i've gone through all this before and I want to believe I've learned from my own mistakes. Something I'm quite good at. This just seems far too different. I'm really sorry for my ridiculousness. Here people are trying to help and give me solid advice and I'm not taking it. Like i said, I don't deserve any better...
My thoughts: you can't help someone who isn't ready to help themselves. Just by reading the LGBT later in life posts, some people don't come to grips with their sexuality until their 30s or 40s. What if your buddy is one of these people? I know you said well I don't have any prospects of anyone else, but maybe letting go of this person might force you to work harder to create one. On another note, I was in a situation with like this and they were two years younger than me and in college. Let me tell you it isn't easy. College is about having fun and I'm not sure his personality but in my opinion people won't face reality about their sexuality (if their is something to face) until they graduate, in four years. College isn't a reflection of real life in the slightest. You go out and get drunk all the time and sit around and hang out the rest. I don't think you should get your hopes up about him changing all that much in this first year. Letting go is hard and I feel for your situation. It sucks, a lot and you might not get the answers or outcome you are looking for. You have come to grips with your sexuality I would try to avoid someone who hasn't yet. You can still be there when they do. All the best, keep us updated.
my friend acts all bitter sometimes because he may have some other problems like his mom not being fair with him, or his dad ignoring him, he has a hard time socializing with me and other good friend, the three of us try to help each other out, listen to my troubled friend and let him release all that stress with us. I remember, i once read that you don't kiss or fall in love with your best friend, you only become like siblings! it has happened not only with me and my bro :3, but it has happened to a friend of mine she thought i had a crush for her but i was only becoming like an inseparable brother, we became distant after i told her that we are like siblings, and also because she was dealing with her parents divorce and whatnot. so next time he is all weird think of him as the brother you've always wanted to have, and lend him an ear so he can slowly have a clear mind. i think of relationships as something that can morph beautifully, like plasticine you decide what to do with it, it will be hard to give it a good looking shape but in the end it will be worth it. you can't only think about love! live your life! that special someone will appear when you least expect him! get out more! enroll in groups! you never know! do something that you might be afraid to try, may be he is waiting to be discovered by you in that *insert despised place here*, and i repeat again maybe your feelings are that of a brotherly love, just like mine.
You HAVE to actively seek help from a licensed therapist. It's clear you know it is an incredibly unhealthy situation, but can't break free of it. All your comments about not having opportunities to meet others and feeling like this is as good as it will ever get shows you have self-esteem issues getting in your way as well. I don't think you will be able to move on until you get professional help dealing with those self-esteem issues. There are therapists who work on a sliding scale. Don't be afraid to get the help you deserve!
I've been following your post here for a while and every time I read a new post by you my heart breaks a little. I feel like now I need to put in my two cents from a similar experience that I had. So I had this friend for about 3 years and over that time we grew closer and closer. I reached a point where I couldn't seem to get him out of my head. Keep in mind that I didn't accept myself at this point, I had crushes before but I couldn't put it together that it was because I am gay. We'd text constantly or call each other, spend tons of time together he'd stop to visit me before or after work at least twice a day. So I eventually reached a point where I knew he had to be gay and interested, I could see so much of myself in him. One night we go out for some drinks and he is all over me, we go back to his place and things happen, I have a panic attack for a week or so and I accept myself for what I am. After that night, he and I have a few small discussions, he tells me he is gay, I tell him the same about myself. I tell him that I have more feelings for him than friendship and he tells me that he isn't interested in me that way. I can see in his eyes as you would say that this is definitely not true but I said that's okay I just need a little bit of space to get used to that. We have similar interests and friends so we'd see each other around and we were always pleasant but it was awkward as hell. At this point in my life, I had some crazy circumstances and I came out of the closet because it was the right thing for me to do. Immediately he stops calling me or hanging out, avoids me like the plague. I hear some rumors and get some stories about how when he drinks he likes to take advantage of the boys but he can't hang out with me because people might think he's gay. It has been a downward spiral for him since that night, drinking and just being a general mess almost all the time because he won't accept himself. I think he is a great person but his shame is holding him back and there's nothing I can seem to do about it. I have been told by people that he will probably never accept himself and they think he will get worse. I didn't want to think any of this is true but I started to open myself up to others and be true to who I am and where I want to go with my life. Starting to move along has helped me so much even though I thought I'd never be able to. I have a really nice boyfriend now, sometimes I know I'm holding back because of my old friend though. In reality I know that I still love my friend very much and I am heart broken over him but I can't help him because he doesn't want my help or anyone else's for that matter. Your friend is going to college, how will you feel if he gets there and he finds a new friend and starts treating him like he does you? He gets really close with the new friend and you are left behind? What if your friend decides to accept that he is gay and he is with another guy, where does that leave you? I had a friend that is gay but I was too accepting of myself for him and where did that leave me? I don't say these things to be mean, they are just things I think about when I read your posts. Now my advice to you. It's always darkest before dawn, don't ditch your friend but don't hold yourself back either. You sound like a really caring person and there is someone out there for you to care about that will care about you the same way back, emotionally, romantically and physically. Please don't sell yourself short on someone that can't accept himself because the only person that can help him is himself. You sound like you are holding on to that one glimmer of hope that something might be there but as you are focusing on that glimmer there's possibly a giant spot light behind you that you may never see. Good luck.
Thank you everyone who has replied. I know I probably sound rather ridiculous and stubborn. I know that I am. Everyone here has made good points and I want to take it all into consideration. I know that just keeping this friendship will present a lot of opportunities for difficulties. I guess what's still important to me is maintaining what we have and trying to make something good of it. I am able to keep my feelings in check now but I know that in time my feelings will return. I guess I'm just preparing for that. I'm trying to view the future as a blank page. While there are things I would like and can almost hope for but I do plan to be realistic. ryanalexander61, You're right in that I can't just wait for him and I believe that. I do plan to be there to help him when he finally wants it, and that is help with all aspects of life. As far as him going to college, he's not one to party. He's not even one to get out and socialize with people outside of me. I have tried introducing him to potential friends but he makes no effort besides with me. I really feel that our closeness will continue for a long time. For now I've let go of wanting a relationship with him, but I still want him in my life. swifter, I like your point about brotherly love. I would be happy with him basically being my brother. I also agree that relationships morph and change. This is one of the few things that allows any hope to linger on. If we are this close now, what will we become in a year or twos time. It's the kind of friendship that should morph into something romantic, not saying that I'm expecting, or counting on that though. SimpleMan, I have been afraid of what you have said. At times I really have absolutely zero self esteem and confidence. But then there are times where I really believe I'm something and am as confident as ever. It is true that I've never really had much opportunity with people and also that this friendship is the closest thing to love i've ever known. Some days I do feel that I deserve better, but quite often I feel like, no matter where I am, i don't belong. And that's not from a depressive standpoint, I just see the bulk of people as something almost foreign to me. A friend of mine who feels the same explained it well; he said "people as a whole are a bunch of different herds. or cliques. All wanting nothing to do with the others. And then there are those who move from herd to herd making friends with some and then moving on. And then there's me, looking down at this from a hill wondering what the hell is even going on." I can relate to that so well as I just feel different from people as a whole. I actually like this and is not a negative feeling. debushed, I'm sorry to hear about all that, it definitely sounds painful. I can relate though as I do see some of what you described in my friend. There's more there but he just can't bear to even acknowledge it. I do accept that I can't help him until he wants it but I will continue to offer it because i know he can be such an awesome person. As it is he is miserable in life, has no will to do much of anything, and if it weren't for me he would never leave his house. In college I know he will have a tough time, but in the spring I will be joining him at the same school. I won't be living on campus but I know that our friendship will continue to grow and stay strong. He's not the kind of person to make friends in the first place and I know that nobody else would put up with his nonsense like I do. I guess you can call it friend security. But yeah, if he did find someone else to cling to and even eventually started dating I would be devastated. I just don't see this happening though. The trust he has in me, and the ridiculous amount we have in common, he would come to me if he ever wants to confront the sexuality issue. But you are right. I cannot hold myself back for him, nor can I ignore other possibilities. So far that hasn't happened and i'm actually very open to the idea of finding some other romantic interest. Unfortunately I'm too different of a person to find someone that even clicks well with me as a friend, let alone a romantic partner. I will do my best not to miss the spotlight while still keeping my eye on the glimmer that is really there.
So here's to making this, hopefully, one of the last new posts I write about this guy. For the most part, I am starting to feel good. We are both still big parts of each others lives. This is something that I decided I wanted after he told me he wants the same. So far I've been able to keep my feelings and emotions under control, well most of the time. There was a moment today where I almost lost it and was fighting the urge to throw him onto his couch and rip his clothing off. Long story short, I went to his house to wake him up from a nap this afternoon(as per his request). Upon waking him up, he jumps off the couch and stands there for a few minutes, likely trying to just wake up. All the while standing at full attention below his waist. He had to have noticed as it looked painfully uncomfortable. He's definitely, umm, bigger than I expected. haha. Sorry if that was graphic but him standing in front of me, almost showing off his erection, I almost lost it. Powerful, lustful urges aside, things have been better. Almost to where they were when we first started getting close. He's definitely toned down his assholishness towards me. I once again feel respected and cared for. How long this will last is still yet to be seen, but I will have no tolerance for his shit. Unfortunately he has also started calling me almost possessively like before. Phone call when he's driving to work, phone call on the way home, phone call when he's out running errand, phone call when he's on his way over to my house. always with the intentions of just to talk to me. Even knowing that such behavior is weird, makes people question his sexuality, and caused me to develop feelings for him in the first place, he continues anyway. I know now that I need to keep on top of this, reminding him that these things make me feel things for him that he's told me he doesn't want me to feel. Likewise I will have no tolerance for being treated poorly. I think just keeping open communication will help me hold onto this friendship. Deep down inside, I still don't believe that he's 100% straight (if at all), but I won't let those thoughts interfere with logic, common sense, and my own well being. He's said he's straight so I'm going with that until I have solid evidence stating otherwise (like if he suddenly kissed me or wanted to sleep with me.). For now I have a close friend; what was most important in the first place. I'm not going to lose sleep, or give up on other people because of our "friends only" status. Even if he is gay, it's for the better right now. Soon enough I'm hoping to find someone to take up my physical desires. when this happens i know i will see a reaction out of my friend but i know he needs to mature a little more before he can even contemplate having a girlfriend (or boyfriend). If a time comes when he's at that point, and desires to be with me and i'm single again (or still), then something very well may happen. What I'm not going to do is count on, or wait around for something that may never happen. Everyone here has helped me see that and I can't thank all of you enough. There may be times when I need more advice on keeping my feelings at bay, but for now, everyone here has been a huge help to me. I've been through hell and back recently and all the great people here at EC have helped me through it. Holding onto the little glimmer of hope i have is contrary to much of what others have told me. I'm confident though, that with my friends in real life, and my friends here, I will be able to work through all this and end up a stronger person.
First, he is obviously at least bi. And I feel so bad you had to go through that. But he was obviously not a good friend in the first place if he treated you like that!
The feeling of wanting to talk to him sounds to me like it comes from you still feeling the way you do about him and not wanting to let go. It's a good thing that you don't want to ask him to apologize because honestly, that will just make him more angry. When he realizes what he did wrong he will come crawling back apologizing. When that happens if I were you I would listen to him but don't let him off so easily. Make him earn your trust back. If he doesn't want to do what it takes to get your trust back he isn't a good friend much less good relationship material.
