I guess I'm a sick, twisted, demented, asshole?

I think your friend is either deeply in denial or a selfish asshole not really worthy of being your friend, but I am having trouble deciding which. Regardless, I think you should sever ties until HE is ready to have an open and honest conversation with you about what is bothering him. Because at this point, it just seems like this friendship is just a lot of pain for both of you.

If anything, let him salvage the friendship.

 

You did everything right. The only mistake is considering him as your friend. He should have agreed that it's different and he just wanted to be close friends. The dude's gay. And this is the type of gay guy that starts to kick your ass after sex... you just need to get away from him. I mean, he's standing in the way of you meeting someone else. I can assure you, any boyfriend you want is going to wonder why the hell this guy calls and texts you so much. That's just weird. And have you thought about how he's going to feel when there's another guy in your life? Your "friend" is possessive, narcissistic and completely in denial. Those aren't the kind of "friends" you need. Not suggesting that what he's told you isn't real, but if he's going to be in denial about it and can say the things he's said to you without apologizing, it's time to move on. Change your number. Be done. He'll find you when he learns how to act. Don't settle for people who treat you like shit. Be true to who you are and what you want. You did everything right in my estimation. You came out, you addressed your feelings for him directly, you told him when he made you uncomfortable, you opened your heart and your mind to him and he rejected you and continued to behave in a manner that's downright confusing. I don't like being teased, been there done that with straight guys. I'll out them before I let them fuck my emotions up. Foreal. Lol. Anyways! You're not a sick, twisted, demented, asshole. It's just time to move on from this guy. He'll call you when he knows how to act and IF you want him back in your life to some capacity, he'll do it on your terms. I would suggest that you just...end everything.

 

Mojoe, you've gotta know when to say enough is enough! I was in a similar situation with the first guy I came out to in college. We got really close and then he would do something really selfish or assholish. After not talking to said person for the better part of 6 months and moving on, we are now very distant friends and quite frankly I'm going to do my best to keep it that way. Everyone suspected he was gay and I knew that he had actually done stuff with another guy, but until he's ready to come out, there is only so much you can do for him.

 

You're the only one who can control it. If you want to know what an abusive relationship is.. ask my friend Franklin K on here, he'll tell you all about it. I don't know if you have self esteem issues or something, but you need to figure that out. And you also need to explain to him that you want to take a break because he's confusing you.. You have to set the standards.

 

First off, you aren't a sick, demented asshole or the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. You're just a guy that has strong feelings for someone else.

There was one lesson that I was fortunate enough to learn in high school. In fact, I consider it to be one of the more important life lessons that I've learned so far. What is the lesson? You need to know when to let go. It is harder than it sounds. Back in high school, I was really interested in this girl. Long story short, she took advantage of my feelings, manipulated me, and the list goes on. This went on for years. I knew I didn't enjoy what was happening but, at the time, I didn't get how unhealthy the entire situation was. I think that I was too close to the issue and I couldn't back up to see the whole picture.

Regardless of why this man is acting this way, it is not appropriate behavior. Even if he is secretly gay and in denial, that does not excuse his behavior towards you. Being in denial does not give him a free pass. It doesn't sound like you've set any limits. I read the entire thread and I'm getting the impression that no matter what he does if he just waits awhile to contact you and then apologizes then there are virtually no consequences for his behavior. He gets you back in his life. Please correct me if I'm wrong. If this is the case, then he can just do whatever he wants so there is no reason for him to change his behavior.

His sexuality aside, I think he has shown you who he is as a person. The reasons why he is behaving this way are irrelevant. If you did end up in a relationship with him, the chances of it being abusive seem to be quite high. He is already possessive, acts obsessed with you, and has done things to go out of his way to hurt you. That isn't good boyfriend material. That isn't good friend material. It is your choice but, after all he has done, I think that he should be out of chances. If you let him back into your life, he will continue to behave the same way. The longer you hold on the more it'll hurt in the end. You can't control who you fall for but you can control who you keep in your life.

I know that it is easier said than done but I think you need to stop contacting him and don't respond if he contacts you. You don't need a guy like this in your life. Change your number. Tell mutual friends that you two no longer associate with each other and you will be keeping it that way. Only speak to him at work if necessary for work related activities. Keep your doors locked. If I was in your shoes, I would stop him from visiting my home as well. If he stopped by my house repeatedly, without opening the door I would calmly inform him that he is trespassing and he can either remove himself from my property or I'll call the police and they'll remove him. You could probably get away with just ignoring him though. However, if he begins to harass you, I'd call the police. I wouldn't usually suggest something so drastic but it may be the best method with this guy. He seems to have difficulty understanding boundaries so you need to make it simple for him.

You are a human being that deserves to be treated with respect. If someone can't do that after you've discussed it with them, then they need to go. It sounds like you have given him more than enough chances. Life is too short to keep people like this guy in your life. Don't make the same mistakes I did and let this guy treat you so poorly for years on end. I deserved better back then and you deserve better now

Best of luck!

 

Here's the thing. No doubt he's gay but he's in serious denial of his feelings for you. Stop worrying about him - he can survive without you but for your own sanity you need to get out. Ignore his texts and calls. People like that are dangerous.

 

In this situation, I don't think that ignoring him and avoiding him is childish. It sounds like the best thing for you to do at this point is to cut him out of your life and ignoring him would be the best way to do that. If you keep him around, this situation will only get worse not better. He has had more than enough chances to change his behavior. He chose not to do so. He needs to face some consequences for that choice. Why do you allow him to treat you so poorly?

If you try to talk to him again to get closure, wouldn't he just be able to work his way back into your life and you'll have the same problem?

He knows that you'll do anything for him and that he can get away with doing anything he wants to you with no consequence so there is no reason for him to treat you appropriately. He'll get whatever he wants regardless. I know that I've said something along these lines before but I can't say it enough. This story that you've shared is more evidence that I think supports my assertions.

The grieving process can be really difficult. I know quite a few people that didn't start grieving until the person in question was gone. It could be that you aren't comfortable grieving the friendship yet because this happened recently.

Often times, people that treat people the way this guy is treating you start out nice. As time goes on, it seems like the nice side comes out less and less and you see more of their dark side more and more. If you've only known the guy for less than a year and he is already acting this way, I'm concerned about how much worse his behavior will get.

I think that you should kick this guy out of your life and I'm not the only one on this thread that thinks so. What do you think you should do?

 

It's funny I'm reading this (well not funny but u know what I mean) you know about my situation and ironically I'm at the same kind of crossroads as u r. My friend and I got into a bit of a disagreement last week over something really petty. Needless to say he said some pretty cruel things to me. He has since apologized but said he needs space from me. See the thing is, we rarely hang out and I may text him once or twice until I realize what friend I'm getting that day. He is very hot and cold. We could be best friends for a few days followed up by complete strangers the next few days. This happens over and over again. I'm not sure what his definition of space is, but he has had PLENTY with me. So, I decided to give him all the space he needs. I refuse to start conversations, I refuse to give emotion. If he texts or calls, I will be quickly civil, but that is it. I have finally reached the point where I will no longer let him control our relationship. He can't pick and choose when he wants to be friends and when he doesn't. Funny thing is, he's already showing major signs of missing me. It's not space he wants, he just wants to lose his feelings for me. This is his last chance with me because until this situation, I was like u, he got so many free passes because of his "denial" issues. However, there comes a time where you can't keep getting emotionally absurd by a person. I didn't get a free pass when I was discovering my sexuality, why should he. I agree to give some slack but a free pass....not any more. He now has to prove he deserves to be in my life, whereas before, I used to always think how was I so lucky to be in his. Idk, I just think in your situation your friend should no longer get free passes. If u avoiding him gets him to finally start accepting himself, great. But you should no longer be held hostage. I know I'm not letting myself be hostage anymore.

 

Run for the hills... it's hard to be around a person like that. I know that you still have feelings for him but its consuming you... He needs to come into terms with himself and it might take a looooong time. He might be fighting hard to not feel what his true feelings about you, but you are always around so it makes it more difficult for him to do this so it angers him that you bring these feelings out... So while hating himself he brings that anger out on you because you are kind of like the source and you are an easy target because you are always available. but his hostile behavior towards you has to stop and you are the only one who can make this craziness stop. don't let this turn into codependency..

 

I would HIGHLY advise against sending him this specific thread. At work, just focus on work. Your not there to socialize, just give him the bare minimum contact as needed to do the job. If he can't have a conversation that's HIS problem not yours. As hard as it is, keep your distance.

The other thing, stop focusing on him. Stop living your life around his expectations of you. Find something/someone else to focus on.

 

It hurts, I know but time heals all wounds. You will find this love again with someone who can and will reciprocate.

 

I am where you are... there's really not much that can be said to help it. I know that fact. You will have days where you believe that you are getting better, that you are getting over him, that you will be fine, and that things will finally turn around. But then something happens, something happens to remind you of him, or the fact that it has turned out this way, and you will fall again, and you will fall hard and feel hysterical. Wanting to be the cause of his happiness- wanting the vision that you had so etched out in your mind to be true, wanting so bad that for once things could be different, that things could be different and that you two could be together. Wishing, and hell, if you're relationship is similar to mine, almost asking him to try to love you. You know that it will fail but you try anyways, just hoping for something unconventional. And then, just like that, you will wake up one morning resolute to change things, resolute to change yourself and the situation... but then this is short lasting- and you find yourself falling again after what little strength remained with you. Throughout this whole ordeal however you will never lose hope in the firm conviction that you two will somehow be happy, and you will continue to hope and hope. It's not an unfortunate thing- it is your character- your essence and your being- to hope. And as unconventional as this may sound- sometimes you do need to just hope. But you hope, always hope, with a grain of salt.

I cannot tell you that you will find someone else, or that magically things will get better, or that someone will come and love you, and will be able to love you- because I see that as a simplistic answer to something that is unanswerable, and left unquestioned. I can only offer you comfort in the knowledge that it seems to get easier time and time again, that even when you think that you are at square one, you will pick yourself up again, and try again because you are strong and resilient... Even when you believe that there is no end to it- there will be a small, tiny part within you that knows that everything will be alright- that somehow everything will work out- that somehow you can make it. I will not say that you will move on- but I will say that you will grow because of this. This will still be very much a part of you, but you will grow and grow until it no longer seems like such a big thing.

I understand the fact that it hurts- the idea that you two are just friends- but it doesn't make the relationship that you two have any less meaningful- or any less significant. You two have been through thick and thin, and have always found a way of working things out and making something work. Compromising...

For now, the only wisdom I can offer you is to no longer attempt to analyse or think- just enjoy. If you think about it, pain is only there if you think about it- if you ponder upon it and if you let it get in your way... that said, what you need now is a few days, weeks or months even to just cry it out- cry everything out- take all of your sadness and cry it out until there is nothing left to cry about it. And before you realise it, the sun rises the next morning...

i hope this has been helpful...