I've been lurking on this site for a long time but finally felt the urge to post since there are a couple of things relating to my gender identity I would like help with. Firstly I have just started a new job (office based) and am seeking advice for how to go about coming out to my colleagues about being genderqueer. I'm quite socially awkward so the thought of having to educate every single person I tell about gender identity and such does not appeal to me but at the same time I get so angry when people assume I'm male and refer to me as such just because that is mostly how I present. Secondly, I am looking to change my name at some point in the future to something more gender neutral. Currently the one name I really like and feel like I would be happy using is Cohen. However my one concern with this name is that it still reads as too male so I'd love to know what you all think of it as a name.
Hmmm that is a tricky situation. Is there a particular colleague that you're close with? Or maybe talk to someone in HR or a direct supervisor (go in with your thoughts written down so you don't get flustered) and get their opinion on how to address the topic in the workplace. Wish I had better advice for you, let us know how it goes.
I understand because I too was questioning my gender identity and, Cierra is such a feminine name. I'm OK now but, I get the whole name dilemma.
I am very lucky to have a very unusual name that isn't too masculine or feminine. I never really addressed the whole genderqueer coming out-ness at work. I came out as it felt fitting and natural. If someone asks, I tell them. If someone looks like they want to ask but are too afraid to, I tell them. I find that revealing such things when just meeting someone is very uncomfortable for everyone involved. It's like you are telling them "Hi! My name is ____ and I'm genderqueer." It is like you are implying that being genderqueer is the most important and most interesting thing about you. As LabRat said, talking to a superior or HR rep could be helpful.
At work I am part of a new team that has been formed. We've been told that once we are settled we will start to have weekly one-to-one meetings with one of our line managers so I figure, based on the advice, that would seem like a good opportunity to bring things up. As you say catmistess it seems silly to go in and introduce myself as genderqueer right up front which is why I wanted to know if anyone had any better suggestions for how to go about it. I feel like there have been instances when things have gone in a direction that hint at me being genderqueer though. For instance, there's a very relaxed approach to dress codes in my work place and as soon as I realised that I started painting my nails for work. For my co-workers to see someone who is ostensibly male with brightly coloured nails prompted a few comments. But none of them ever followed it up by asking why my nails were painted (if they had then I would've told them). I think one problem is that because I do present largely as male, when people see those more feminine things they just assume I'm a gay guy rather than stopping to think there may be another reason for it.
I'm completely cis, so I don't really have much to add, but about the name, it reminds me of Leonard Cohen, and that's a good thing!
Hmm, I'm pretty shy in public too. In fact, I might have a mild social anxiety thing cuz I feel a little faint when I'm around a bunch of people. I probably do still police the way I present myself even now. I know I naturally acted slightly more femme/androgynous when I was younger and it didn't go over well with most of the other kids. I guess I acted really masculine as a defense then and I'm trying to just be myself now, but I'll still get these stares now and then. I guess there's no getting around that, so the trick is probably to just not care if you can help it. It feels horrible in the moment, but I have to believe if I just push through it'll be okay eventually. It's probably my own hang ups over how other people see me. You're thinkin about changin to Cohen, which is neutral n super cute btw, so that's probably a good start. Maybe you should shift into genderqueer display slowly so the office has time to adjust to it. They may not adjust to it that easily if you just come to work totally as yourself the next day when presenting as cis the day before. Plus, this has the important benefit of giving you time to adjust to being out gradually. I think it's important for you to only proceed as you're comfortable with it. Think of it like a fun game: each day you get to change one small "mask" about yourself/clothes/cubicle/whatever and replace it with something truly "you." If it helps, try repeating "There's no shame in who I am" to yourself. Hope that helps dear. ---------- Post added 9th Apr 2013 at 05:57 PM ---------- When I say out I mean as genderqueer, but that might be a heavy idea for mostly cis straights to pick up on. So be prepared for a few dumb assumptions that will eventually come up, but that's all the more reason to start the process now. Just be ready and stay fierce.
