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He said NO!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Draco, Feb 17, 2013.

  1. Deaf Not Blind

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    i am Christian, i did stuff with my friends when little for fun like it was part of friendship. if he is religious likely he has a problem with acceptance that he is gay/bi. i feel so bad for him! but i also feel bad more for you because you do like him, and he is not in a place to be honest with you.

    please try to discuss it on a religious level then...tell him God loves him period, and he does not like us to lie or be a faker person, and that if you have to...tell him not all peeps who are religious will hate or judge or abandon him! My mom loves me exactly as before I came out, and i have actually found most peep I come out to of any faith love me cuz i am a nice person, not because of how straight i walk. maybe that can help him have an honest relationship with you.

    but please don't hurt yourself too much for a guy who can't be honest. :frowning2:

    ---------- Post added 18th Feb 2013 at 05:17 PM ----------

    you do know...there are other cute gay men out there in CA?
     
  2. brightside80

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    Draco....

    As someone who is religious and closeted, I can sympathize for your friend. At the same time, he needs to decide what's best for him.... and well you do too! You can't simply be strung around because he isn't willing to acknowledge this is a real relationship! Yes, he's a homosexuality is a sin type of guy, but he's committing that "sin". And maybe, well.... maybe it's not a sin like he thought. Boy do I know this line very well. I'm sorry for what he's putting you through, but I want you to be okay.

    Has he been dating girls during your time together?

    What his been his recent response to you? Do you two live together? You said how you both went into separate rooms, it's why I am asking, as that can also complicate the relationship.
     
  3. Draco

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    We live together and see eachother everyday. Recently we have been kinda strained more or so from my side, I mean what can I say I'm heartbroken and I want to still be friends but at the same time I feel like in sub consciously training myself to dislike him if that makes any sense. On valenteins day he sent me a picture that said its valentines day hug someone even if they don't want it. It was one of those cute/funny pics. I don't even know what to make of that. Was he just sending it because it was a funny picture? He took the second to send something even though we didn't see eachother or speak to eachother that entire day. Lately I think he's starting to realize I've become more withdrawn since i haven't been inviting out or I've just seem distant and spending more and more time alone. Does that make me a bad person to just kind start ignoring him so I can help myself deal with the heartbreak
     
  4. Rice and Pepper

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    Oh boy... I hate that feeling of slow isolation. I am going through this with a friend of mine (but in my case she is just a friend). I feel that she doesn't care about our friendship, and that if I don't do something to shake it up, it will just wither away.

    Based on my own experience, I suggest you talk to him. If you don't, you will start thinking too much and become paranoid. "What is he thinking now? Why did he do that?" etc. I don't know. I am usually too kind and just shut up until I burst. I suggest you don't do that. If you want, you can wait for a couple of days to see if he reacts to that slow isolation and if he doesn't then talk to him. About everything you are thinking. It's scary talking, but it's the best way.

    ---------- Post added 20th Feb 2013 at 01:22 AM ----------

    Oh! And please don't be heartbroken... It really makes me sad reading it... :'(
    We are here to help you, so you don't have to feel bad. (*hug*) Feeling bad won't help you deal with the problem with clarity either.
     
  5. Deaf Not Blind

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    :frowning2:

    Yeah, I have warned a former friend on EC who is on FB only now...she quit here I think for religious reasons...that she will disappear from my life forever if she keeps talking less and less. She insists that this is how she deals with stuff and I told her no contact in months then being really superficial about weather or whatever isn't same as daily talking for an hour about deep stuff.

    I think I am going to unfreind her right now. She don't get that it hurts. I have a guy friend who distanced himself from me and begged me to not unfreind him, but he don't get it either.
     
  6. Kgirl

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    Slow isolation without explanation is horrible!
     
  7. Deaf Not Blind

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    yup... like shunning,it feels like apathy the opposite of love. it kills relationships. it makes someone wonder what did they say or do wrong. it makes every other relationship that suddenly goes from hot to quiet get really scary, in anticipation of another break up.

    i end more friendships because of non-communication than cruel words...i respect more those who tell me off than those who claim they really are my friends but are too busy (i see the pix on their FB hanging out with their real friends I'm not retarded)
     
  8. Kgirl

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    I hear that...
     
  9. Draco

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    I realized not only am I isolating myself but I'm also isolating him. Today was a better day. I started acting like my old self around him just to make him feel like we haven't lost everything I guess if that makes sense. I truly do want to remain friends but it pains me so much to look at him and see everthing I've ever wanted but could never have. I know he's noticed I've been acting different and I could tell he was becoming unhappy that I have withdrawn myself from him, so Im smiling through my teeth so be doesn't feel bad to. I hope this makes some kind of sense. I'm just trying not to lose my friend completely because like mentioned above if I don't do anything ill watch my friend slowly fade away to the point I can no longer fix our friendship.
     
  10. Akatosh

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    You gave in, and failed to do as you said. Simple and plain. The confusing part of the story is that which you created. You still like him, and I hope I don't offend you, but you were trying to elicit a response of "you're right, we should be in a relationship". To truly get over him, you may still be best friends, but best friends who don't spend a lot of time together, like I think you tried telling him. I just don't think you meant it.
     
    #30 Akatosh, Feb 20, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2013
  11. Sarah1

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    Hi, its hard for me to give you advise because I don't know a lot about your relationship. What I can tell you is this is totally normal behavior.

    If you are really sure you want to break up with him you should set boundaries and stick with them. I'm living with my ex now too and sometimes I have to tell him "no" its hard because I can see he is lonely, but it would be a really bad idea for me to let him do that
     
  12. alex1170

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    maybe because he is religious he feels better if the relationship does not have the label of more than friends. If you already treat him like your boyfriend, than maybe the label is not so important after all. This depends wether or not he treats you well, and if there is monogamy.
     
  13. Draco

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    He seems more distant than ever today. I should have held my ground. I think I time he will realize what he wants. I can't completely shut him out but I can just not treat him how I used to. I think for both of us we know what's going on and I feel like we're both grinding through our teeth. However I do think in time out friendship will just fade away. As much as I'd like it not to, it's only a matter of time before he turns into someone I used to know.
     
  14. Alex19

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    i say, put all your cards on the table. he needs to know that he is gay and so are you and youre obviously in love.. or was.. idk. but the point is he needs to face reality. no walking on egg shells, no hoping eachother gets the message, just grab the gay by the balls and tell him whats good. you dont gotta be mean about it, but honesty is the only way to go. and u need to give him an ultimatum. either he starts being more responsive, or its damn well over.
     
  15. Revan

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    Definitely denial, but the whole "i forgive you" is bs. What should he be forgiving you for? :s
     
  16. Draco

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    So today I asked him what's wrong and that he seemed dissitant but he said he's ok. I can tell when he's not ok and I can tell something has changed in him. I can tell by just looking into his eyes. Before any of this him and I would just stare into eachothers eyes and when I say stare I don't mean one or two seconds or some kind of bullshit but I really mean just stare into eachothers eyes. The last two days when I look into his eyes he looks for a second and then Breaks eye contact. He's been walking around aimlessly aswell. It has always been wherever we go somewhere he was always by my side. The last few days I have watched him just walk around aimlessly and avoid being next to me. I am very quickly realizing that what we had between us for the past few years is gone and that my friend may not really be my friend anymore. I have made an honest attempt to stay engaged but he has not. As much as it pains my heart to say it I believe I have truley lost everything. I should have just kept my mouth shut and never said anything. I put all my chips out there and lost it all.
     
    #36 Draco, Feb 21, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2013
  17. photoguy93

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    Draco - it isn't your fault. You just fell into a situation you thought would work out.

    I haven't been in on this conversation, but I think that he's a stereotypical religious closet case. Honestly, my first thought was "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

    I have been there, my friend. I have had guys that I thought were the light of my life. You seem like a very caring, lovable person. Take that and find someone who will appreciate you. All is not lost - don't ever have that attitude!
     
  18. Draco

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    I feel like I have ruined everything though. I can tell things have changed. Maybe it's for the best but so far I don't like it.
     
  19. Rice and Pepper

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    Nonsense! You haven't ruined anything. You just told him the truth. If he doesn't want to be realistic, that's his problem. If you are feeling bad and sorry for yourself, then I take back all I have said about supporting him. You did what you thought was good, if you need a second opinion, I think you thought right too, and if this doesn't work out in the end, you are definitely not the one to blame.

    But I haven't read anything about talking. I can predict that unless you have a very emotional and truthful conversation, this relationship will just fade away as you said. Few people have the courage to make such a conversation after all that's happened, but if you want to play all out then you need to take that extra leap. It will be a sudden and acute pain, but I believe it is better than that long lasting misery of the fade away phase.

    Just remember. You have done the best thing there was to do. Don't be discouraged, don't look back. What you had before was a secret, and secrets don't last for long. You want to make it official, which is absolutely logical and healthy thinking, he declined for his own reasons. Now you have two choices:
    1)Try to save the relationship by uncovering the reasons and getting rid of them.
    2)End this relationship, but officially. No fade away. That would be bad for you. And then move on.
    3)Just live in remorse for some time while the relationship falls apart on its own and then turn a new page.

    Talking on behalf of the whole community, whatever you decide, you have our support. Act logically. We know you will. Even if it doesn't work out well, you will have done the right thing. Have faith in yourself. We are all here if you need us. :icon_wink (*hug*)
     
  20. brightside80

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    Draco...

    Regardless of what you decide to do or not do, we are definitely here for you.

    He may be homosexual, but he hasn't accepted that he's gay. It's religious stuff holding him back.... He's definitely in denial. Coming out to yourself is such a huge step, and it's probably nibbling at him right now, as we know it is for you too.

    That being said, I agree that you can be his roommate/friend. It's gonna be complicated, but you do have to stick to your boundaries, unless he wants to change that and you guys have a good healthy conversation.