I confess to my girlfriend yesterday, i've been dating her for about six months, I'm not really comfortable enough to confess to her but i think it's the right thing. At first she seemed shocked, intrigued that I decided to confess my true sexuality. I told her i don't seeing anyone but her and that i'm not gonna cheat. And I told her all about Bisexuality and what i know about it cause i researched some, she said she knows Bisexuality, then she asked why i didn't said to her i was bisexual when we first started dating, i answered i'm in denial and i don't accept me liking guys. "Do you accept now that your bi?" she asked me. I looked her in the eyes and answered "Yes". "Well yeah that's why you confess why did i even ask that" she said it while smiling. Then she got serious eventually and said that she understood me not telling her when we started dating and appreciate that i tell her now, but, she also said that it was just not a thing that she was prepared to be a part of. I said to her that I wasn't asking for her to be attracted to bisexual men, and that when I'm in a relationship my ideas of fidelity are very conservative and I would never cheat on her with both genders. But she told me again that she hadn't planned on spending the rest of her life with that kind of thing. I was fighting not to break down in front of her when i heard that. She also explained her fear that I was just using bisexuality as a stage of process to come down to homosexuality.But i told her that I've known i was bisexual when i was just 13 years old and wasn't using it as a "stage of process". She replied that it might take decades, but I could end up completely homosexual.( i don't really want to argue with her in that time) She also said that she trusted me not to cheat, but she feels now that there would be like a loss of intimacy if we make love. And she mentioned the image in her head of me with a guy and said that it decrease my masculinity. I reminded her that she'd never seen me as anything other than a masculine guy until now and she agreed, but she still thought that act of being with another guy affected her idea of what a man should be. I told her that i love her and i don't want to end our relationship. I know she can see that i got misty-eyed saying it. She praised me for telling her the truth and appreciated me being totally honest with her but she said it wasn't really her thing and imagining me pleasing another guy is just wasn't attractive to her. She asked me to give her time to think and then told me that she want to go home. I keep looking to her eyes but she doesn't want to meet mine. We hugged, i felt that she sobbed so i tighten my hold but then she break our hug and said that she's alright. I said i drive her home because were in my apartment, she just refused and said it's okay to her renting some cab, i tried to insist but she just don't want to. She said not to worry about her telling it to others, i don't know why she said it but i think she she thinks that i was just using Bisexuality to deny being homosexual it really makes me sad. I called her a cab and waited until she get in. Then i just broke down in my room. It's really clear to me that my confession to her didn't go so well.huh
Actually, I think you should just give her some time and see what happens. I'm not saying that it'll be perfect or what you expect, but you have to remember it took you almost 8 yrs (if my math is right) before you were comfortable to admit that you were bi. It may just take her some time to adjust. Chip states it well here.
I'm so sorry she took it that way. It was very brave of you to tell her, so congratulations about that. Give it a few days and let her process the information, and then tell her again that you still want to be in a relationship with her, and see how that goes. People often just need a little time. ---------- Post added 16th Feb 2013 at 01:22 AM ---------- SomeNights, you posted while I was typing!
Thanks about that, but it's really hard for me not talking to her, i really want to talk to her and just said i was joking. I don't want to say i regret confessing to her but i think i really regret it.:icon_sad: ---------- Post added 16th Feb 2013 at 01:42 AM ---------- Did i done the right thing? I'm hoping that she understand what i'm going through and accept me for who i am. Yeah maybe i just give her some time.
I don't think you failed at all. First that was really brave coming out to her at all. Congratulations doing that. I know you probably feel like it was a mistake, but it wasn't. Secrets hurt worse every year you keep them. It sounds like she's a very honest person. A little blunt and you deserve big (*hug*) because wow that would be hard to take in as well as you did. She didn't say no. She said she needed time. That might end up meaning no but even if she can't be with you in a romantic relationship you two could end up great friends. I know that's maybe not what you wanted to hear but it might be something to think about. Having friends could help you a lot right now. She can't control the fact that she can't be attracted to you now any more than you can control being bi. I know the hardest part of all this is that you and I have orientations where it's like, in the back of your mind, you think it could still work because you're attracted to her. But things are just different now that she knows, and she can't help seeing you differently. This could have gone a lot worse. If she'd stayed you two could have ended up basically being roommates. The sex and any romance could have disappeared and you'd be with someone you could look at but never really be with. Or worse, she could have cheated or found another way to escape the relationship. You could have had a dramatic falling out, her telling you you ruined her life and made her a laughing stock. A million other things. Instead, she wanted to prove to you and herself that she could be independent and fine. She met honesty with honesty and maturity with maturity. I know it feels like your whole world is being taken away from you But you have to believe that this would have happened eventually. And for what it's worth coming from someone who wants to get rid of their masculinity on purpose, your orientation doesn't make you any less of a man at all. In fact your honesty makes you more of one. Keep coming here and posting. It helped me so much when I came out to my fiancee. Please believe that you will be happy again. And please be good to yourself. I would take the day off tomorrow if I could.
You did a very brave thing! You need to be able to be honest about who you are and if she cannot accept you as you are then it is her loss and ignorance. My college bf told me he was bisexual, in slightly different circumstances, but I at the time couldn't accept that there are in fact people who are bisexual...not just transitioning. My own insecurities told me he couldn't be attracted to me then. Looking back, it wouldn't have worked anyhow. I was secretly dealing with my own sexuality questioning/denial. The part about not seeing you as masculine is funny because she was attracted to you to begin with and I bet you weren't acting any more masculine than you would be now. I realized I picked that bf in college because he was who he was...fun loving and a little sensitive. That didn't really ever change. If someone gets insecure when you are telling them a heartfelt truth about who you are then it isn't your fault if they get insecure in my opinion. It was my fault my college bf felt rejected and though we are still friends more than ten years later...he is still back in the closet after he got such a bad reaction from me and his friends and family. Thank goodness you have known who you are and are able to be on this site for great support!
Hi, I think you telling her went very well. She was honest, open and accepting. She made some good points and was informed eough to know there was a possibility your sexual preference could change with time. She brought forward her inability to bond with uncertainty very compassionately. It may not be the result you wanted but the process was emotionally healthy for both of you. Stuck
No don't feel terrible, i mean i cry reading it because it's true. and you're right about the possibility that it may end up not well. I don't expect this kind of result. Maybe because it's not what i want to happen so i don't really think about this possibility.
Hi, First, congratulations for coming out. I know exactly how hard it is coming out as bi to your bf/gf. Then, yes, as cassie29 said, it could have gone a lot worse. Most people aren't prepared to deal with LGBT-related issues on a personal level. They've never really thought about it, and your girlfriend has a whole world to discover. And what's really good is that she seems very mature to me; while she probably doesn't really know what it means to be bi (despite what she said), she is actually interested in learning, reflecting. Give her time to think on it. Tell her that if she's got questions for you, of any kind, she can ask you. Make yourself available, maybe give her examples of websites that could give her more information on the subject. Having your supposedly straight bf/gf tell you that they're bi may trigger some insecurities; these will only go away with time and reassurance from you (though you've already done a good job on that point). For now, breathe. You've come out to the most important person in your existence right now. She's willing to reflect. That's great!
Did you weigh in this possibility before you told her? It was a very courageous thing to do and took a lot of strength, but there's also a risk you were taking. Why did you feel the need to tell her? I mean what is really the point if you are in a happy monogamous relationship. It's not that you are asking her if it's okay to have a fling with guys on the side. You are with her because you love her and don't need to have both genders at the same time, so what's the point of really admitting your "dual attractions." I'm sure we may all have kinks, fetishes, attractions, etc. that we just don't feel comfortable telling our partners or admitting. They are private. Admitting your bisexuality to a monosexual partner can be a tough pill to swallow for the monosexual in the relationship. Of course there's this misconception you will become gay. What is true is that "preferences" may change within your orientation, but orientation for the most part remains relatively stable. One day you may prefer guys over girls or vice versa, but you are still attracted to both. Your straight girlfriend probably won't understand that either.
Yeah i considered this possibility to happen but i'm being more optimistic by that time and think more of a better outcome, because i know she's really nice and i don't think she's homophobic because she have some gay friends. I don't wanna lie to her anymore, like everytime i'm thinking about guys or fantasizing them, i feel really guilty. Lying to her didn't do me good i think that she doesn't deserve it because she's kind and really sweet to me but i'm thinking now base in her outcome that it's better that i keep it private thinking that it will be easier for her if i doesn't told her that i'm bisexual.
Admitting your preference is a one way trip. Once you enter, you cannot go back. But being able to tell her your preference also sets you free. No hiding. I congratulate you for having the courage and the guts to tell her who you really are.
I totally salute you for being brave and very courageous for coming out to your girlfriend. I myself don't know if I can do that.
