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Any gay men with Aspergers?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by 461 467, Jan 29, 2013.

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  1. 461 467

    461 467
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    Hello everyone, this is my first post here, as I found a topic on this forum via a random Google search, and thought perhaps I would join.

    This will be somewhat of a long post, as I tend to get wordy when I write, so I appreciate anyone that will take the time to read and respond. If you don’t feel like reading, that is fine, as well.

    A bit of background: I am a 21 year old male from SoCal, and I am currently living with my parents as I attend school. I'm gay, and most people know it, however, I have never told my parents for a number of reasons. I come from a family of devoutly religious people, whose beliefs I find to be absolutely nonsensical in many regards. My mother is fanatical about Christianity, and follows it blindly. Sadly, homophobic outbursts are quite frequent, as she is quick to express disgust whenever homosexuality is mentioned in conversation, seen on TV, observed in daily life, etc. Conversely, my father is not quite as religious, and tends to be more rational in his thinking. While my mother is opposed to homosexuality because her belief system teaches that it is amongst the greatest of sins, my father's issue with homosexuality, on the other hand, appears to be that he is simply homophobic. This is likely the product of his upbringing, as he was taught very traditional values on relationships and gender roles and such, by his Catholic family. I have a half-brother and half-sister who are both more than twice my age. My brother is a pastor, and to put it simply, it would be difficult to ask him how his day is going without getting a response like "I woke up this morning and the Lord said...” He tends to argue with my mother frequently, stating that her belief system is not “true Christianity,” and that her church does not follow the bible’s teachings, but he is strongly opposed to homosexuality, as well, because he believes it is sinful. I have had several talks with him about his “pray away the gay” attitude, and I still find it absurd. On the other hand, I have been fortunate to find that aside from my parents, brother, and some of my mother’s friends (One of which insists that gays will lead society to eating babies! That’s a good story I may have to share some time.), almost everyone else in my life has no issue with homosexuality. My sister, some of my aunts and cousins, and everyone that I know that is not related to my family is fine with my sexuality.

    Anyways, throughout most of my life, I’ve figured that I would spend the rest of my life alone, but my thinking has begun to change over the past few years, and I’ve come to realize that I do want to find a partner. The challenge in doing so, however, is that I have Aspergers, so my social skills are extremely limited. I really have no idea how to find people, and the fact that my parents are in the dark about my sexuality only makes things more difficult. I love chatting with people on the internet, but of course, I mainly communicate with people that share my interests and hobbies, and I am very careful not to reveal too much personal information, as it can be very dangerous to do so. I will only discuss personal matters with friends I know well, so, accordingly, I am approaching the concept of dating websites and such with caution. For many reasons, the best way to meet people is face-to-face, but my limited social skills and lack of opportunities to do so make that difficult.

    Are there any gay men with Aspergers here that have encountered similar situations? I would love to hear any suggestions, but I am also curious as to whether or not there are others out there that can relate.
     
    #1 461 467, Jan 29, 2013
  2. OMGWTFBBQ

    OMGWTFBBQ
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    :F l am not a dude nor do l have Asperger's but l will tell you that l notice it among the LGBT population more than you might expect. Or it at the very least it seems that way lol >_>

    So. l think you'll find someone to relate to. At least as a friend, l'm not sure if two Aspies would even want to be together but who knows.

    Aside from that there a few men with Asperger partners who make do.

    Anyway, welcome. Glad you decided not to be foreveralone lol.
     
    #2 OMGWTFBBQ, Jan 29, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2013
  3. Rivers

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    Hey! And welcome. I may not be a gay man, but I am a gay girl who suffers from Aspergers.

    I live in SoFlo (doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?), and am lucky to have a very supportive family. My father is pretty much sacrilegious. The whole family loves gays.

    I have always had terrible social skills (like all Aspies), and fear that I will be forever alone, as well. Online dating could be an option, but I think I'll try my hand at traditional dating first (maybe someone will find my awkwardness charming). Anyway, homophobia has never been a problem for me because I live in South Florida, where homophobes are exiled.

    Have fun on the site!
     
    #3 Rivers, Jan 29, 2013
  4. 461 467

    461 467
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    Yes, I've read in a few places that it's actually quite common. Though I have yet to meet anyone.

    As far as two aspies wanting to be together, quite honestly, I would love to find someone almost exactly the same as myself, if I could. I suppose that most people are familiar with the complementary relationship style, especially as there seems to be an evolutionary basis to it in heterosexual relationships; but I have spent most of my life learning that the way I think and feel about hundreds of things is different than, or even opposite of everyone around me, so I find it more appealing to find a dude that is as similar to me as possible. This is called the parallel relationship style, if I remember correctly. (Off topic, I got a B in interpersonal communication, which ruined four semesters of 4.0 grade-point-averages in college. :tantrum:slight_smile:

    I was in Florida last week, to visit my sister. The funny thing was, we went to dinner one night, and she jokingly pointed out how easy it would be to bring a dude home without my parents catching on. They are so clueless about my life that I could bring home a boyfriend and just say that he wants to spend the night every so often, without my parents being any the wiser. LMAO.
     
    #4 461 467, Jan 29, 2013
  5. OMGWTFBBQ

    OMGWTFBBQ
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    lolz. Yea, l've thought about that actually and l think sometimes gay men a d women try to imitate the hetero complimentary relationship roles.

    Though some of us just like what's different than us. l think l might like someone more similar to me in looks, anyway.

    l like that emoticon too, so weird that l've looked at the entire list and have never seen it before.

    You sir, are clearly a wizard(though l do see the emoticon now) :tantrum:
     
    #5 OMGWTFBBQ, Jan 29, 2013
  6. June Cleaver

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    First of all, all sin is equal in Gods eyes but one and that aint it! LOL I know how hard it is to deal with people who turn the Bible into their own tool to control people. I have quite a few in my life growing up in the heart of the Bible Belt as a trans M to F person. If you seek a mate one will come your way. Just take your time and keeps your eyes and mind open. Just when you are interested in a guy take it slow and do not cling on him or be pushy. That will run a guy off fast. Let him set the pace of the relationship and it is always good to be friends first. Mine was right up the street for six years before we met. I am just saying you never know! June
     
    #6 June Cleaver, Jan 29, 2013
  7. aspiecarer

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    Hi there,
    my partner is gay and has Aspergers.so he has gone through some of the things you mention--
    From what I see there is (self) help about for 'straight' people /partners of people with Aspergers,but nothing for gay couples...

    Hopefully we can help each other here on EC
     
    #7 aspiecarer, Jan 31, 2013
  8. Cthulhu

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    Hello,

    I am a bisexual male with Aspergers. I can relate to your problems, even if I've improved on some of my weaknesses over my life. I find it difficult to meet new people, though once I know them enough I can feel comfortable having a conversation with them (as long as I don't bore them with my narrow interests). Is that the same with you?
     
    #8 Cthulhu, Jan 31, 2013
  9. crash1340

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    I, too, am a bisexual male with Asperger's. I always find it hard to make new friends, and the ones I do make I cling on to for dear life. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but sometimes it seems like that's the way it's going to be. I just lost another one of my friends (He changed and didn't like how I have stayed the same for the most part) and this happens more often than it should. It's hard sometimes, and I too would like to find a partner that shares my interests, and isn't all about sex, which is also quite difficult sometimes.
     
    #9 crash1340, Jan 31, 2013
  10. Spatula

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    Just for the heck of making it three in a row, I'm also bisexual, and I was diagnosed with AS two years ago as an adult. I disagree with that assessment, but in any case it is true that I have always had high social anxiety which reduced the quality of my life in many ways.

    You get better at compensating for those social deficits over time. Asperger's really won't set you back as much as you think. Yeah, the first time when you're dating you'll flop around clumsily like a retarded seal. But you'll learn quickly, and with experience comes confidence, and after enough experience you'll basically be as good at pickups as anyone else. Sounds far-fetched but I promise it's true.

    Wish I had advice for dealing with parents like that. I'm terribly sorry about that. Hopefully they'll come around.
     
    #10 Spatula, Jan 31, 2013
  11. 461 467

    461 467
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    I'll talk about just about anything in internetland, but face-to-face is a different story. People usually say that I'm shy until they get me to start talking about something interesting.

    No totally gay guys here? Lol.

    Well, I joined a dating website and am trying to talk to a few people. One guy seems interested in me, and he's well-educated and very polite, but there is a ten-year age difference, which is offputting on a few different levels.
     
    #11 461 467, Feb 4, 2013
  12. Cthulhu

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    I can definitely relate to this. I went to this dinner party with my colleagues, and most of them were talking about their favorite episodes of shows like How I Met Your Mother, The Office, and The Big Bang Theory (all shows I have neither watched nor have the interest in watching, with the exception being The Office).

    I was probably the most quiet one at the table unless there was a sports, science or movie discussion.
     
    #12 Cthulhu, Feb 4, 2013
  13. 461 467

    461 467
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    My parents had to fight tooth and nail to get me to attend family parties and dinners throughout all of my childhood. And when I do attend dinners, I read on my phone the entire time, because the conversations around me are very dull (Not to mention, any time I am with my father's side of the family, it is the exact same conversations rehashed over and over.). That being said, I've started to realize that this is a bad thing. I can't expect to be engrossed with my phone while having lunch with potential business partners or employers or such, when I start my career after school. So I'm trying to work on that.
     
    #13 461 467, Feb 4, 2013
  14. Cthulhu

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    That's good. It took me a while to improve that aspect of myself, but it's good to at least try.
     
    #14 Cthulhu, Feb 4, 2013
  15. Khadian

    Khadian
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    Hey... I have Asperger's or pretty sure I do. How did you find out you have Asperger's? It looks like you found love... congratulations! The online dating sites... yeah, when I first came out of the closet... around 27... and wanted to be with another guy, I had the same issues with meeting people in person... social awkwardness. I went to a few online sites and started chatting with a few people... well... one thing led to another and let's say bad experience for first time :/ I was being honest but this person was not... if I knew then what I know now, things would have been different. Did it stop me from online dating? No, I moved and tried again... this time I happened to make the right choices, and we have been together for 10 years now :slight_smile:
     
    #15 Khadian, Nov 15, 2013
  16. AwesomGaytheist

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    I do.
     
    #16 AwesomGaytheist, Nov 15, 2013
  17. Rainbow Girl

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    I'm a gay girl with Aspergers.
     
    #17 Rainbow Girl, Nov 15, 2013
  18. Sitri

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    I have Asperger's... though I have a lot of things. Also, I don't know if I'm gay, still trying to figure the whole sexuality thing out.
     
    #18 Sitri, Nov 15, 2013
  19. Paul_UK

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    I don't have a formal diagnosis but I'm sure I have Asperger's. So many characteristics seem to fit and explain difficulties I have always had.
     
    #19 Paul_UK, Dec 9, 2013
  20. Tightrope

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    Yeah, I've noticed that as well. I wonder if there's any kind of link, or it's just that GLBT folks are more open about a lot of things related to life's difficulties, so they will discuss it.

    I tend to get along with people who might have or have told me they've been diagnosed with Asperger's. Sometimes, it makes me wonder if I have it. I've read some of the descriptors and I have some of the odd quirks. I wonder how they diagnose it.
     
    #20 Tightrope, Dec 9, 2013
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