Letter to end the back and forth

so after coming out to my mother 2 weeks ago, its been constant back and forth with her and I have kinda had enough. So I'm going to answer her latest email with this.. its kinda long..:dry:


I know your concerns, your thoughts, your feelings. However.

This is not a choice. I've been who I am since I can remember. Do you honestly believe that I would choose this? Do you honestly think I would put you, put Dad, put my family, put MYSELF through this on purpose?

Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? Do you understand how hard it is/ was for me to lie everyday, every hour, every minute of my life? Do you understand how damaging having to hide my sexuality has been to me in my mind and personality?

I don't think many understand what it's like to grow up thinking your parents have 'conditional love' for you? That the only way they will accept you and truly love you is by staying a JW and doing what they think is right. Feeling that if I ever wander off the road that I have been required to walk my whole life, that my support would be pulled right out from under me? That all I will be is a big dissapointment. Do you understand what kind of burden this was. I never once spoke to anyone about this up until 2.5 years ago. Not one single person. Despite questions from friends, classmates, random strangers when we were all out. When I finally built up enough courage, enough anger, enough hatred of myself, I finally was able to speak my heart and lift the HUGE weight off my shoulders for a minute. That was the best feeling I've ever felt in my whole life.

People have NO IDEA how hard it is to live a lie everyday of your life. To be surrounded by couples and family's and you sit there knowing that you won't have any of that. Ever. To be a jw, you will be single until the day you die, you will never have someone to come home to, you will never have kids (not that I want them). To me that was a reality that is so SO hard to accept. Look at our family. Everyone is married, everyone has been together for years. And I will be the single one. While making excuses as to why I'm 31 and haven't had some sort of girlfriend since I was 17?? I was going crazy inside my own head. And I'm sorry, all the prayer in the world wasn't helping me sort this out, or become normal. I know you've said you feel foolish because you didn't know, don't feel foolish, I simply became EXTREMELY good at hiding who I was. I could shut my emotions off from reality like a switch. My goal was for you and Dad NOT to know, so plase please dont beat yourself up about that.


Most people who go to the meetings will judge me, and think less of me. No one saw how I fell asleep with tears in my eyes so many nights because it hurt so much. They don't know or care to even think anything about my years of prayer, when I believed that Gods holy spirit would help me if I prayed a little harder and a little more, and they will convince themselves that my homosexuality is a chosen. As if It's a chosen lifestyle. Homosexuality is not simply a choice, as if I wake up in the morning and think "hmm maybe today I'll be heterosexual... na homosexual today again" I didn't choose to be gay. I fought it, fought it for so long, I even prayed to God and asked Him to "cure" me or kill me. Some believe that I just didn't pray hard enough. That's why it didn't work, they think. I gave prayer everything I had. Prayer did not fix me, distract me, lessen my desire... At some point, I had to realize that putting 110% of my energy into 'changing' was making me sick. Emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.

At this point the choice I am faced with is to be happy, to be whole, to be with someone I dearly love. Or not. It really is that simple. I know you or Dad or anyone else will never understand. You will quote bible scriptures and tell me that im choosing to die. We have heard and talked many many times that its all about "heart condition". That we can NOT judge another person because we do not know they're struggle. I have to believe that all of the effort I put forth, the goodness in my heart has to count for something. I think that is where your faith may come in and help you out. Its the only thing that kept me holding on all these years.

There are many things surrounding Lukes suicide that I've known about that I had never voiced until this year. When I spoke to Kim, I told her the truth about that situation. She says she is just happy that iI have been strong enough to not end up like him. Everyone blames and thought his suicide had most to do with his parents and bouts of depression. It did, however 4 days before he killed himself, Yvette caught him with a guy. I dont know the details but this confirmed everything I always thought about him. His turning point was when she was forcing him to go to the elders, he decided jumping out of a window was an easier way to go. I remember the phone call I had with him hours before he died. He kept telling me he was sorry, and I'd never understand, he was speaking fast and almost giberish. I thought he was drunk or high. I'm telling you this not because I want you to tell others, or I'm using this as an excuse, but to try to explain and help you understand where I am coming from. The frustration, the anguish, and emotion that builds up internally.

I told you and confided in you, though I do have some regret about this now. I had a hope that maybe you could separate being my mother from being a JW. I always told dad "don't give me the elder answer". I need for you to be my mom - a support in my life like you have always been, someone who accepts and loves me regardless, not someone who simply pushes spiritual beliefs on me and tries to make me feel bad about myself. I've had enough of that. I know, I know, its a way of life. You can then understand how this is not a choice, but something that can not be changed within myself.

I understand that this is not something easy for you, totally understand, its been something I have had to deal with on my own for many many years. I am open to talk about this with you, but I just CAN NOT handle fighting with you or having you try to guilt me. This is who I am. I've had many years to come to this conclusion, make this decision, and also many years to think about that this may be the point whre you choose to walk out of my life. I really really hope it doesn't come to that, I know what you think, I know what you want me to do, or not do. The fact is this is the way you made me and this is something I hope you eventually learn to accept.

I also want you to know that this is the happiest I've ever been in my life. The most comfortable I've ever felt in my own skin. His name is ...... He is a good person, with so many good qualities. His family are good people also, he is very close with his mother also. They also had a hard time with him when he came out many years ago. They totally understand what I'm going through, and what you are going through. They all like me very much, and know my background, and we have talked about it many times. My thoughts and feelings. I truly hope one day, we may have that relationship. I hope one day you may want to meet him. I know that will take alot of time, but I am willing to wait.

I love you SO much, I'm closer to you then most sons are with their Mothers. I just hope one day, that you can understand all that I've said, all that I've been through and dealing with by myself. I hope you see the way you raised me, is why I am who I am today, and why i have such strong conviction, strong morals, and so much Love in my heart. I just hope that in time you can learn to love and support me unconditionally.

Your Son,

 

Thanks.

PeteNJ - thanks for the revision, I'm using some of those suggestions. The reason I was a little more straight forward then I should have been is because I've been trying that method and it's only getting me guilt trips. So I want them to stop.