Hello everyone, this is my first post! I'm a 25 year old woman and I've known I was bi for about ten years now, but lately I've been about a million times more attracted to women then to men. In fact, I'm barely attracted to men at all anymore. My family is pretty liberal for the most part and I have no religious affiliation so I have no problems there. My main issue is that I have a boyfriend right now who I have been dating for a long time. We've been dating for six years and we've been living together for about two years now. I love him dearly as a best friend and I don't mind having sex with him but I'm constantly fantasizing about other women! I really don't want to lose him as a friend and I don't know what to do. I know that if or when I tell him what's been going on in my head the past few months he'll be heartbroken and probably humiliated. I can't stand keeping secrets from him, but my own heart is breaking just thinking about seeing his face when I tell him. There's also the issue of our living situation. Our lives are so wholly integrated with one another's that separating could be very messy and frustrating. For example, we split many purchases (video games, movies, etc) so just the thought of figuring out who will take what is enough to make me feel insane. But the worst thing of all is that I'm not even sure if my orientation is enough of an issue to leave. I mean, my orientation has already shifted so much in my life. I've never had sex with a girl before, either. What if this is just a phase, or just a fantasy? I don't want to throw my relationship away with my man over something fleeting, or something that's not real. I'm hurting so badly inside and have been distracted from doing the things I need to do. I seriously cannot think about anything else anymore. I'd love to hear advice or just for people to let me know they're reading. Thank you all very much.
The best advice I can give you is to talk to him. Dispite how hard or awkward the conversation, he needs to understand what is going on with you. Just because you talk does not mean you have to break up and divide up all your stuff. You can even shift the relationship to a roomate time situation- I have a feeling that would be incredibly hard and cause a lot of jealousy once one of you moved on though. All I'm trying to say is that a talk is not the end of the relationship, it is just a talk - a very important one at that. Now you may be right, and this may be a phase. However, just think if it isn't. The longer your guys's relationship continues, the harder it would be to end. If you two end up just "working" through it, feelings of resentment would arise. The only real way to find all this out though is soul searching. Take time to find yourself. BTW, welcome to EC! I'm Ryan .
Thanks for your reply Ryan. I would love to still be roommates with him eventually, but I really don't think we can afford to split a two-bedroom apartment at this point (not to mention it would be very awkward as you pointed out). That's the other issue I forgot to mention, is that we split the rent and bills at our place, so if we broke up we'd probably both have to move out of the apartment and back in with our families. That is a step backwards I know he won't be happy about taking. We've both been enjoying our freedom and privacy here very much. I have been dying to talk to him about it, too. I just would prefer it if there was a counselor or a mediator present because we're both very emotional people and I fear that neither of us will be as calm and rational as we both will need to be. I really want to start seeing a therapist first too, so I can get everything straight in my head before I have any kind of conversation with him. Lately I've been missing him already and I've just been trying to purely enjoy spending time with him without getting distracted and retreating inside my own head, but it's been nearly impossible. I know him extremely well and I'm thinking that once we have that conversation, it might be a while before he'll be able to even look me in the eye again. Last night he walked into our bedroom while I was in there posting on this forum and I panicked and closed the window really fast. I don't think he saw anything because he was pretty far away but I'm sure it looked suspicious. I don't think I'll be able to keep secrets from him much longer. I feel that I've already lost him as my best friend and I'm so incredibly sad about it. I'm going to make an appointment with my school's therapist for this week. I hope he or she can help me make a decision and mediate my conversation with my boyfriend if need be. As sad as I am about potentially closing the books on a 6 year relationship, I am also full of nervous excitement about the possibility of starting a new life as a lesbian. I think (hope!) that my friends and family will be happy for me once I come out, and I know my city has a thriving LGBT community that I can't wait to be a part of. So telling my boyfriend seems like the biggest hurdle right now, but it is a massive hurdle, and it's too big to jump over it on my own, and it may or may not be on fire. LOL.
Just a quick update: I told him yesterday. It was very painful for both of us and there were a lot of hard questions to answer but I think I made it over the main hurdle. I told my mom yesterday as well and she took it well (after the initial shock wore off!). He is open to staying roommates with me and still wants to be best friends. So it went about as well as it possibly could have. Just an update for anyone who cares to know
Great to hear your update. Hard for both of you. I'm going to say, that while he seems open to staying roommates, at some point, probably sooner rather than later, that isn't going to work. You're going to want to date women, he's going to want to date, too. And honestly, for you to live out, you need space. For now, be glad you've taken this very hard step. We're all here for you. Peace
Wow, he took it so well! Congrats! I told my boyfriend of 8 years the same thing and he says he can't be friends with me as it's too painful. I will miss him so much though as we are also best friends. But as Pete says, it may not work if the both of you start dating. Maybe your bf is still half-hoping you'll think you made a mistake and get back with him. But I guess you can give it a go.
I'm glad that it had gone well for you, I think it's always best to do what is the best for ourselves and not for others. That was very brave of you to do!
Thanks to all for your replies! Pete, I agree that jealousy and awkwardness are potential issues that we continue to discuss with each other every day. It's really hard to imagine what effect relationships with other people will have on our friendship, mostly because I haven't been in the mindset of meeting/dating new people while I'm ending my long-term relationship. And nothing is set in stone right now, we haven't signed a lease yet and we still have a few months left on the lease of our current place. We're just taking everything one day at a time. But I appreciate your concern. Another issue is explaining to other people our history and why we're still living together. It probably will sound really weird and off-putting to people (not to mention they will probably just assume we're still banging). So like I said, it's a daily talking point between us. Kgirl, I'm so incredibly sorry. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. I hope in time the two of you can heal your friendship. Maybe he just needs space and time in order to see you as just a friend. It has and will continue to be a painful transition for me and my ex as well. I don't think he's hoping I've made a mistake though. He told me yesterday that he never really felt that he was in love with me, but that our friendship was so solid that he never wanted to end the relationship because he never thought he could meet another girl he got along with so well. Besides, I can only imagine that he's looking forward to having sex with a straight girl for the first time in several years. LOL. And thank you Ryan! Yay!!! (!)(!)(!)(!)(!)
