What's it like growing older as a gay man?

I'm in the same boat as a lot of you. I just want a real relationship. Not a string of one-night stands and f*** buddies. And a lot of times I feel the odds are against me too... I still get the feeling my standards are too high. Biggest hurdle for me would be a gay Christian. Yes, I know they exist but there don't make up a huge percentage of the total gay population and even then, a lot of them are so far closeted, they won't admit anything.

 

Don't believe the stereotype that most gays are party-hard-rave-attending-club-going extroverts. I never thought of myself as being one to fall for stereotypes, as I'm pretty open-minded. However, during the last few months, I've been revising how I thought of and defined homosexuality, and realized that I really identify more as a homosexual than a heterosexual. First of all, realize that being gay statistically doesn't seem to be related to certain personality types. You'll just as much of a variety of gay people as you will heterosexual people; party-animals, nerds, hipsters (pray you don't meet those ), gamers, jocks, philosophers, etc, etc. Out of all the gay people I've met, I've never seen any noticable pattern to personality-types and interests, except that being into niche interests seems to come along with being gay, due to gay people being more likely to be more introverted. So don't worry about finding someone just like you, someone who'd love to just chill at home, or go explore a beach, etc. There are plenty of gay people out there, many who feel the same, myself included.

I will suggest that you try to be flexible when it comes to things like that however. I'm not saying you should force yourself to go to a bar or club, but try it out with a friend. Additionally, try LBGT discussion clubs (not the party kind ), as you'll meet a lot of younger gay people, and who knows, if you keep checking out different clubs, maybe you'll meet someone you like .

 

4AT-

Yes! Rationally I know that there are people just as diverse who identify as homosexuals as people who identify as a heterosexual, however, like you can most likely understand, it does feel that way after a while when all you have to meet others is a gay club (which promotes the wild lifestyle, in my opinion) and the bars. Although I have already met someone who seemed calm and genuine at a bar a few weeks ago and we hit it off, but we are just friends at this point, and that is totally fine with me. I am just looking to meet some awesome people and after all, that is how I would like a relationship to form, naturally and on its own pace, not forced.

I have, just today, been researching local (well, over 2 hours from me) 'centers' for LGBT and youth groups where I can volunteer my service and help out. At this point I am also thinking about attending college for social work or another area that would allow me to effect the social climate and make a better experience for LGBT identified people.

If you don't like what you see in the world, change it!

 

Well, I'm someone who is gay and coming up on 42 years of age. What's life like for me?

Pretty much the same as life for most people my age. I have a spouse who I married a year and a half ago after dating for almost 4 years. We both work as professionals. We have a house in the burbs. We take vacation. We do our grocery shopping at the local store. We don't eat out all that often because my husband is a great cook. We do go out dancing once in a while, because we like to.

Where our lives differ from the average gay guy is that we were married previously to women, so we each have 2 kids. That adds a dynamic to our lives that perhaps many gay men don't have. So we go to school concerts, skating practices, swimming lessons, etc. We go on family vacations as well as just the two of us. We have to have a 6 passenger vehicle (which is an SUV, NOT a minivan!).

Was it easy to meet each other? It was a total fluke. To have found someone so well suited to me as quickly as I did was near miraculous - and I grant my Higher Power quite a bit of credit there. But before I met him, I maintainted the belief that if I wanted to meet someone for a serious long term relationship, there had to be other people out there who wanted the same thing! I wasn't so special to be the ONLY one. And sure enough - you're hearing most people chime in here with the same desire. So it might be a matter of looking in the right places.

Oh - and I'll add that at 42 and 44, sex is still amazing. So you don't need to worry about that either as you age. It actually just keeps getting better the longer we know each other and the more we love each other.

 

I don't get older, I level up!

 

Jim-

Thank you for sharing your story! That sounds wonderful and gives us younger folks a lot of hope and I think is comforting. Where do you think are the "right places to look"? I would say places that you naturally would go, that way you meet people who are naturally similar? The best have always been a 'fluke' so I guess the answer is less than concrete or final. My interest lies in cultivating mature and safe environments for LGBT to assemble and meet each other, sort of like a community social organization. I feel it would be healthier for our LGBT community than having bars and clubs as the main avenues available, not to mention the evil G-word application for cell phones.

 

Wow, that's really good for the soul to hear . That's great that your lives worked out so well, and that things are still fun .

 

Jim -- thanks for sharing your life -- that's so awesome.

I've joined 2 LGBT support groups. One is a coming out group, so no long terms boyfriends in that group.

The other group, more general discussion of gay issues and gay life, I'll say at least half the guys there (ranging from age 30 - 60), are in multi year relationships. And at least half have kids from their relationship. Yes, they seem very happy.

Its my goal, too :icon_wink

 

I am 50 and I have no regrets about my life up to this point.
I never had children, never married, lived alone for years, worked, played, helped out others, made some really cool friends over the years. Now I live with another man, we help out each other, we function well together. I am thankful for everyday and continue to keep on keepin' on

 

I'm 53 and a male, so I can only talk about men. It's rough. I feel that men, gay or straight, are the same, But straight men are always so bombarded with feminine thinking, and the expectations of women that, over time, (generally speaking) they tend to evolve into a less aggressive, less sexual, more empathetic animal than their homosexual counterparts. We gay men dwell in a society of men, by men; for men, and here lies the problem. Feminine resistance and principles are lacking and so our r hormonal inclinations never get challenged. The point: Finding sincere, loving, monogamous gay men will not be easy, and the prospects of being alone for the rest of your life -- unless you lower your expectations ---and accept the consequences--- are significant. In saying lowing of expectations, I'm not talking about how a guy looks or is in bed, I'm referring to the value system. Consequently, after ponder this impending fate for many years, I decided that finding a lover was less important than finding a lot of quality friends. I don't have all the answers, but I think a good friendship (as opposed to a meaningless acquaintance) offers the most amount of security and laughter when the going gets rough.

 

I've met many older gay men and women here. They own the bars and clubs where the teens and twenty-somethings hang out. They are in theater both as performers and audience. They are lawyers, doctors, judges, politicians and even hair stylists. They sing in the chorus, bowl, play volley ball, golf. They feel very fortunate to have someone to share their life.

 

I believe that no matter how old we are we need to know what we want out of life. Once we determine that things will happen that will bring it into fruition.

At 26 I'm still getting used to the fact that I'm gay. I used to cry myself to sleep at nights, I did everything imaginable to force myself not to be gay - I was unhappy.

Acceptance is the greatest thing you can develop and once that happens the sky's the limit in what you can achieve career wise and in your relationship.

I believe as long as you hold the faith and work towards what you want, you'll get there.

 

Well, in the time between this thread being started, and now July, a world of difference has been made. Gays coming out in high profile sports, media, military, etc. Then the big Supreme Court rulings late June, it really is a different world I think from even Jan. of this year. Obama did not make just one statement about gay rights, but has made several now. He ain't just tossing us a small chicken bone here.

All this about marriage is going to make so many gay men who are tired of the rat race of bars, parties, drinks, and drugs finally accept that a relationship might be best.

It's a push in the right direction I never thought I would ever see. And it's all within the last 6 months, wow!!! We have come a long way.

 

I think I might just turn into something akin to Stephen Fry. Not as awesome, but still pretty cool.

 

You guys have given this late bloomer some hope!

 

Well at 41 I can say I had a lot of lonely years in my 30's. In my life guys always want sex and no strings. I met my partner when I was 35 and it took 5 years to hear "I love you" to come out of his mouth. Prior to Mike I was the one Chip said has a circle of friends who became my family and I had sex with whoever whenever I wanted it. I much prefer my life with Mike. It is a wild ride and he keeps me busy. We have added his 16yo son last month and we have became a family. Much to my surprise his son loves me more than he does or at least as much. Life is just a series of days that run together to make weeks, then years go by. The real key is what you fill those days with. Build your perfect life alone first. Once you are set and living happily alone, then someone will see your world and it will look good to them and want to come along for the ride. Just as it happened to me. I spent years buying and selling houses, furniture, stuff! getting set for the future with all I could do and waited for love which is the one thing you cannot control. Then when I met him and fell in love it seemed hopeless since I was terrified of him. Then when the time was right, he came back into my life and now I am living happily ever after. Now I eat a lot of shit from him at times, and he hurts me every now and then, but he does deeply love me. You just have to work through the problems as they arise and go on with the day. Most are looking for some perfect man that does not exist so they miss the good ones that pass by. That is where most guys go wrong when they are young and tight and can take their pick, they just don't thinking it will never end. Age does creep up and get you though. Then it does get even harder if you wait till middle age to find a mate when other middle age guys are looking at 18 something as sexy and not you at 40. That is why I think so many gays don't settle down because of the lifestyle. LTR's are possible, but take a lot of work and nurturing. Take my advise and don't wait till middle age to settle down, do it while you are young and build a great life together. Good luck, June

 

Exactly how I feel, I'm 44 and never had a relationship.
Getting back to the question asked at the beginning, Everyone thinks about their future and what it will be like when they are older and who they would be with in the coming years.
It's totally natural and you should try and take one day at a time, I regret not making more of my life when I was your age, as you get older and wiser you have experienced a lot more general living and I'm sure most people will say I wished I done so and so.

 

I know of a few partnered couples that are happy in their monogamous relationship. But I also know of an older-man + younger guy who are in an open relationship (but partnered). I was hoping to learn a lot from the latter couple, but was disappointed to find out the nature of not being completely faithful (even with permission).

I wanted to post to this thread to show that there is another person (me) that just wants a lifelong monogamous relationship.

I'm sure I found my own. I thought it'd be impossible, being that I'd want an asexual, bear-like guy. Well, I found him on an asexual forum. It is indeed just a matter of knowing how to increase your chances.

 

Life is what you make it out to be. Just go out and have fun, that's all life is really. I don't like society's view of everyone has to have someone and they have to settle down. I certainly can't provide an example personally. But I can describe my uncle's lifestyle as an older gay man (or what I've seen). He leads a perfectly good life (a life I would like to have myself), he loves to spend time with his extended and immediate family, he lives a happy, carefree life as a really awesome uncle.

Now what I plan for my life as an older man to be is one of happiness. I want to be with someone, settle down, and adopt a child. I just want for my husband and I to be happy as possible. What that entails...I have no idea. But whatever the outcome, I'll be happy as long as I get to teach and share my knowledge with others

 

45 here... will tell you a few things that I wish I had known at your age.
*the fact that you want a relationship and love are good things, but at the same time do not focus on them as the only option. Cultivating solitude, conformability being who you are and being alone will help you a lot as far as inner happiness and peace.
**most gay men aspire to a relationship, but we are - sadly- an issue laden bunch and even though we may WANT ant it, many are not able to ATTAIN it. So beware, love is not enough... the other person may indeed love you and you them, but that other person has to be capable of maintain that love and "relate" to you day in and day out. And if you are secure (per my first point above) you will not be tempted to take it as a fault on your part if the relationship dos not work out (ie, you wont think you weren't enough on some way).

I am 45, don't drink much, don't do drugs, don't invest too much in the gay scene and don't want an open relationship. I am therefore not a very hot property, and have been able to cultivate my own interests and life. But I have to accept the very real possibility that I will be alone for large portions of my life. It is tough at times. I just lost the man I loved because he did not love me, and that hurt me more than anything in my life has. But alone is not lonely- yes there is the ache for someone to love and care for but be careful about taking whoever shows up, since they may not be able to fully engage in a relationship and fulfill you.

Best of luck on your quest for love, and remember, even those who seem to have what we want...you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, who will eventually break up with whom etc. Gay, straight, bi - people often wind up alone. It is what you do in that situation that counts - survive it and thrive. Cultivate your own happiness and self worth.