What Are You Thinking?

I don’t wanna hear about death first thing in the am! Especially not when it involves murder and disturbs my sleep (about murder)! *So I go investigate the blinding white.* Yes!!! Finally have four inches and counting!

 

Physical pain. Again. Enough to stop my in my tracks and make me wanna cry. And there's snow everywhere outside all over again. So I'm super not looking forward to going out to work tonight because of those two things.

I'm so tired of the stupid things.

I miss my family. I wish I could go see them. I really do.

And I guess I'll cook chicken tonight so they can all have food and I can have lunch for work. Blaaaaah.

 

So my presentation went okay. I'm glad it's over though. Now I can finally sleep at normal hours again.

 

I really need to do my homework...but video games are so tempting right now. :dead:

 

Abel. Cain. Deimos. Phobos. Porthos. Ethos. Ahhhhh.

 

Wow, it's been a long time since I've been on here. School and stuff have kept me busy...

Right now, I can't get this guy that works at the front desk out of my head that works at the Planet Fitness I just joined. The guy is seriously adorable, I'm crushing SO bad.

Other than that, it's spring break, so nothing but working out and playing video games when I get home to relax.

 

I’m gonna go temporarily take control of my neighbor's dog and play in the snow!! …that’s…all ready…gone. Ah man!

 

I'm in such a mood. I'm just sad and unable to desk right now. Teaching is soooo hard when all I want to do is cry and sleep. Apparently this is a downswing in my mood...Ina few days, I'll be on an upswing...then back..feels like I'm on an emotional roller coaster all. the. time.

 

"Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements.."

 

I'm thinking about how hard it is to meet someone. Sigh v.v

 

My boyfriend and I were joking about what we'd do to guys who tried to split us up just to get one of us. :lol: He said he'd German Suplex the guy who tries to snatch me away, and I said I'd dismember the guy, barely keep him alive, and stuff him in a potato sack if he tried to steal my man... I think I have problems. xD (Despite that being a simple horror movie reference xD )

 

You know what. I'm seriously getting fed up of drunk father. Most people who get drunk on a regular basis are atrocious, but when you live with them, when they're related to you... I can't stand it. I can't stand the fact that he rewrites history, I can't stand the constant belittling, I can't stand the fact he's an utter jackass.

Then I realise he's pretty much the reason I'm not terribly keen on people who drink to get drunk. Social drinking, fine. Drinking until you stink of alcohol is not appealing. Telling me that you're not going to pay for my bus pass anymore, fine, I can accept that. Telling me that you're not going to pay for my bus pass anymore because you want that money for drinking ... that hurts.

No. What hurts is sitting in housing lectures and realising all the "poor" homes in deprived areas, the problem homes, the homes that let the area down... they look like your home. And they look like your home because your father won't allow you to do anything to make the home look better. He won't let people in to do work, he won't let you change the garden, if you change something, he trashes it.

Then I sit there, trying to do my work, and I kick myself in the teeth for doing this rather than taking the job and staying up north. I should have stayed away, I got along with my family far better when I stayed away.

 

Awesome. Just awesome. I have a dark imagination myself.



FruitFly, sorry about your dad. I used to live with a drunk and it got pretty bad. He’s now in (or was) stalker-territory.


This is a weird little realization but I like people! Part of my weird mood was because I spent Saturday morning/afternoon with people, and then not so much until a brief period this afternoon. It's starting to bother me when I hermit away somewhere. This is progress!!(!)

 

Seeing my ex, the person I'm still love after over a year, move into a new apartment with their new person....it's just blah. And then they're all "You should come see me and we can hang out! Move back down here and come see our apartment!" .....Life, man.

---------- Post added 25th Mar 2013 at 02:33 PM ----------

Yeah because moving into a new apartment is really a forward step to getting back to Japan.

---------- Post added 25th Mar 2013 at 02:33 PM ----------

Oh god....that was bitter. I'm sorry. :\ Ugh.

 

I've spent the last five days at BB's apartment with him and his roommates. I feel very lonely and sad already, to be back home. I'm still waiting on IRB approval. I have no schoolwork. I'm feeling very adrift in my life right now. I don't know what to do with myself, I really don't. BB...is wonderful, but even when I'm with him I still feel very alone and sad. The highlight of the last five days was getting to see Spring Breakers. Everyone should go watch it. It isn't a party movie, so don't go into it with that expectation, but it was epic. It's definitely in my top 10...

 

I only realize how damaging my depression is when I manage to come up for air. Then the riptides pull me back under.

 

Therapy was so grand last night. If only I could have help like that every time I'm upset. At least my mum is coming around about my transition, and having my brother here in a few days will help reinforce even more. He's even going to bother helping me buy shaving cream and body spray, heh. Things are going well for me now .

 

Happy to hear... Don't be afraid of what's ahead. (*hug*)(!)

 

I'm so glad to hear this!

 

I really need more friends. "Real life" friends would be preferable for obvious reasons, but that's surprisingly not ideal nor possible right now...(long story). I want more online friends, too, but most of my online friends only talk to me through messages and never any sort of real time chat like Skype or Facebook, so I usually never have a real time conversation with them. *sigh* I don't even think I can remember a single period of time in my life where there wasn't some lingering feeling of loneliness. :icon_sad: