my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls name

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

Since your daughter is 14, she is allowed to sign up here (our minimum age is 13), should you be comfortable with that of course.

You've definitely come to the right place for support and advice As a rule of thumb since your child identifies as female, when you feel ready to call her by her preferred female name, then it's only right that you start using female pronouns and "daughter" as well, even if it's only between you two and no one else is around. It'll certainly help her confidence if nothing else. Like Deaf Not Blind's suggestion, telling her what name you would have called her if she were born female will very likely be received well; it'll show your acceptance and support for her which is what she needs.

Feel fee to get in contact with me, or any of the other Staff, I'm always happy for a chat

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

You sound like a wonderful mother.

I can't help much as I'm not transgender myself but the main idea is that your daughter has been trapped in a male body her whole life. She's a female, like you.
The best way to show your support is to call her by the name she has chosen for herself and use female pronouns when referring to her. She is your daughter, not your son. That will be very difficult to get used to so don't be frustrated if the idea seems absolutely crazy right now.

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

maybe just try to support her and gain an understanding of thransgender yourself. of couse how people will veiw her will be a big concern for both of you as the fear of rejection is a scary thing to say the least.
but with support and having people there tor her she can do it. you might think its only a phase and it could be but maybe in the meantime just get used to the pronouns and name and let her broadern that when she is comfortable and ready. you could try introducing her to this site so she can meet other male to female trans people. as know myself the thought that i was the only one scared me a lot so it was good to have the support on here when i was accepting myself.

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

kids can certainly be really mean in situations like this. More awareness should be raised on the issue to try and change peoples presepctive.
You wiill adjust to it at home and as your child matures so will all the others, so hopefully they should accept and understand the situation then.Well good luck with it however it goes the world needs more parents to be like this with their children.

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

I could be wrong here, and I truely hope to step on no toes, but here is the way I see it (which could be wrong)

I am bi a little more towards lesbian but never the less bi. I believe whole heartedly that I was born this way, along with all the other, lGBT community. I mean its just like you, you were born and well you like men, I was born and I like both, one of my best friends is a lesbian. Its just the way it is. I know your trying to understand. Its not that we were born with anything wrong with us, and I'm not sure as to your beliefs but I believe this is the way God made me, and every other. We were made this way, he made us this way for a reason. Not sure why, but he did. Or just we were born this way. I believe with his age he more than likely will not grow out of this, and I bet if you fully ask him he will tell you he has always felt a little different from the other boys. He has probably always tried to be like them, but its just making him unhappy. S/he wants to be who s/he was born to be. This didn't step on my toes I want you to understand this, it does aggravate me when I tell ppl and they are all like so How long have you been, why did you decide to be. If your asking for information that is great, But the way they put it frustrates me, yes I did choose to live my life this way, and yes I just recently decided to tell others. And yes it took some figuring out on my part. But I always knew who and what I was.It just took admitting it to myself and others. And I would really assume so did your son/daughter Good luck sweetie, I know this is going to be difficult to understand, but you are doing an amazing job so far. You deserve an award to be honest. This world needs more parents like you. (&&&)

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

I have always had certain feelings but never put the pieces together until recently. Looking back through my adolescence from puberty on I remember a lot of signs and see innumerable clues.
I can't say that feeling gender dysphoric, or out of synch with my physical sex, is "something I like". It's actually very unpleasant. Some of the ways I try to alter my appearance to "pass" (be viewed as the correct gender) are physically uncomfortable and make prolonged activity during the day very tiring. But, if I don't take every step I can, every moment I am outside or within view of another person, I'm mentally obsessing over what I didn't do and how it must be giving me away as the wrong gender. Every time I talk to people I am straining my voice to make it sound appropriate and natural, but it still isn't right. I'm doing my best all the time but it just isn't good enough.

I don't know why I was comfortable for so long before and only recently I have been steamrolled by gender dysphoria. I don't know what I want to do- whether it's best to try and transition as quickly as possible and move on with my life, or whether I should take it as slow as possible to avoid making changes to my body that I will regret. I'm waiting to hear back from a therapist who I will confess my trouble to and hope discussion and professional advice will help me know what to do. But I do not know how long i'll be waiting or how proficient the therapist will be with transgender issues.

Every step I take towards looking more correct, it's like I'm seeing who I really am in the mirror instead of someone I don't know. I've never felt like I am looking at myself in the mirror before. I've been told I'm attractive, but it's never made me feel better about myself. Now, as I make what changes I can, I am starting to feel excited and happy to see my own reflection.
But I suffer because this isn't something I want to put my parents through and I don't know how it will affect my opportunities for work or finding a loving partner.

So I don't know if this is something people are born with and I can't speak for other trans* individuals, but in my own experience, it doesn't feel like a flight of fancy. A flight of fancy would probably be a lot more fun!

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

First off welcome

Second off you are a fantastic mother for coming here and seeking resources

Now I have had to have this talk with many a parent with some of the non-profit work that I do. My recommendations are to seek out local LGBT support groups such as PFLAG or an LGBT youth social group he can attend. If there is an LGBT Community Center or Trans support group that can also be an invaluable resource.

Now another thing is do some research on transgenderism. What you will find is it is not all that horribly uncommon and plenty of people are transgender. Gender Dysphoria is the feeling your son is describing and current psychiatry and medicine recognizes this as something which occurs in some people and is nothing to be worried or afraid of. You should immediately seek to take your child to a counselor or mental health physician who specializes in transgender or LGBT issues. They will be able to help diagnose your son and help them to live happily and healthily as a transgender person.

For many trans people I know they describe gender dysphoria as being a sort of constant anxiety and discomfort with things revolving around their gender/gender expression (masculine features, body hair, boy cloths, boy toys, etc may all be a part of this). They feel that while externally they look to be one gender they internally are really another. This is different from sexuality which simply constitutes who one is attracted to. A cis-gendered person would be one who is born male, identifies as male, and expresses as male. A transgender person is on the opposite side of the spectrum being born one gender but identifying and expressing as another.

The anxiety, discomfort, and often accompanying depression which comes with gender dysphoria (the depression more often comes as a result of the stress and anxiety) can often only be dealt with through counseling in conjunction with some level of transitioning. Transitioning is when a person takes steps to begin living, expressing, and becoming the gender they identify as. Not all people chose to go through the whole process but it is incredibly likely your son will choose to transition on some level. This begins with diagnosis by a medical professional, receiving official documentation that you are Transgender, living as the gender you identify as for some period of time, going through hormonal therapy which works to change certain gender markers (estrogen would grow breasts, soften features, and widen hips for example), and possibly continuing on to have surgery which allows someone to fully transition to the gender they identify as. All of this is done while under supervision from a group of medical and psychiatric professionals. At some point during the process even your sons government Identification, birth certificate, and other documentation will be able to be changed from male to female.

Transgender people and the process of transitioning has been around for a very long time, even before homosexuality was accepted as something which could not be cured. They have also long since known the only way to make transgender people "feel better" so to speak is to help them transition on some level. Without going through that process the anxiety and discomfort can be overwhelming and for many the importance of becoming the gender they identify as is a matter of life or death. That is why depression and suicide in trans youth occurs at remarkably higher rates than most other demographics.

The advice I can give

1) Find support groups (PFLAG, Transgender support groups, LGBT youth groups, LGBT Community Center) There you can seek more resources and education
2) Express your support and love for your child. Your son may be especially sensitive to what he reads as rejection or a lack of support during this time
3) Let your child know you are trying to find them and yourself resources to make it all easier and you support them as transgender. Keeping open lines of communication is vital.
4) Go with your son to see a counselor who specializes in Trans or LGBT issues and try to make sure they are verified as being supportive or safe for LGBT people
5) read and educate yourself as much as possible this will make everything easier for you

now here comes the harder part
You may be thinking your son can't be sure of this so young but the fact is most trans people know they are trans very early in life (often earlier than 14). Many of the people I know have known since between 2 and 6 years of age. I even have a friend who was threatening suicide at 2 because they identified as female and their parents didn't believe them.

The things you can do to make this easier for your son and to help reduce the risk of depression and suicide is create a supportive environment. For trans people so many people are not going to understand or not support them, often times even family will abandoned them.

Things likes referring to him as her and using she instead of he will make a HUGE difference for your child. Try transitioning by using "they" if she/her is to big a step. If your child asks to be refereed to by a female name do your best to do so. When my Aunt came out as trans (mtf) my mom and her sister would use rubber bands and snap their wrists whenever they messed up names or gender pronouns. If your child wants to get girl things do your best to help. Teaching your child to do "girl" things and supporting their identity can do wonders for them and their mental health. Denying it or working against it will not change them as a trans person nor serve to benefit anyone. While all these things can seem overwhelming and you may not be ready for it all just working at it and letting your child know you are can make a huge difference. Words cannot describe the way I have seen trans friends light up when someone is willing to go shopping with them and help them pick out cloths which suit their gender identity (especially when parents do it).

In addition if you and your child are religious try to find an affirming church. There are many LGBT affirming churches and many Transgender people I know find comfort, solace, and acceptance in their faith. These accepting churches may make the whole process easier for anyone but especially people of faith.

Something good about your son coming out so young (and a reason it is important to get him diagnosed if he is trans so he can begin the process) is they can actually inhibit his male development so that hormone treatments can be more effective in assisting him transition in the future. This can make transitioning and assimilating a much easier thing for your child.

Hope this helps! Message me if you need any more help or advice with anything!

---------- Post added 26th Dec 2012 at 03:52 AM ----------

And yes it is most definitely something your son was born with. In todays world it can still be hard for trans people but most youth are far more accepting and educated on LGBT issues than older generations give them credit for. In addition transitioning and assimilating is very common for trans people and can often be incredibly successful making the likelihood they will face discrimination as a result of being identified as trans less likely.

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

Sounds like she's (yes, "she" because that the gender she belongs to) Transsexual...
You should take her to therapy... to someone who's LGBTQ friendly and has experience in this.
At the end of the day you have to think this: "Do I prefer a dead son or an alive daughter?"
It might sound harsh, but Transgender people have really high suicidal rates.
Read on Transgenderism. You need to be informed on the regard.
It's better for her to start transitioning now. The younger, the better.

Living a Transgender Childhood - YouTube

Be there for her.
It must be really difficult, but she needs you.
Try calling her a girl's name... She'll appreciate it and it'll let her know that you're on her side and support her.

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

I'm transgender.

Your daughter/son definitely sounds transgender, and the first thing to remember is that she's not crazy, or a freak, or anything bad. She was born with a birth defect that was nobody's fault. Given that she's come out to you means that she will probably want to transition (physically and socially become female). I know from personal experience that this is the best option, and in my case it saved my life.

I suggest that you take her to a therapist if she is willing to go, not to cure her, but to 'sort through' the issues. Therapy is necessary before medical help can be given for transition anyway, and it can sometimes actually help.

And importantly, remember she isn't doing this to hurt you. I know it is difficult to accept, that your son is your daughter, but its important that you do. I know from experience how difficult it is to live as the wrong gender, and suicide in that position is a very real possibility.

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

certainly something people are born with and no matter how much you try and make it go away it doesn't. all you can do it move towards physical or social transition, whatever the person feels right. hopefully he finds the information he needs and can conclude what to do so he can become female or find comfort in his gender.

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

I know it's always a parents job to want the best life for their child/children but when it comes down to it the only person that needs to be happy is your son/daughter now don't worry about how people will take it deal with that when it comes to it you keep looking at the "what ifs" and there are so many of thoes. Focus ok what you can do NOW and when thoes issues arise deal with them then. If my parents were as supportive as you are OMG I would come out now but my parents are very homophobic only in my dreams do I have a parents that is as accepting as you ❤ you are an amazing woman to come here and ask advice seriously!! And I know thy nobody in your family besides you knows about the way she is feeling but I think it's important that when you both are alone together that you call her by her female name and use her,she instead of his/he o show your support and let her know you are there and support her every move!

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

Read through all the many threads here regarding trans issues, you will get much better insight into what it feels like and what kinds of issue may come up.

She was born this way. No one would choose this, and someone would not tell their mom something like this if they could help it - it's not a phase, it is a real thing.

You need support for you - please get it by speaking to a therapist, or contacting your local LGBTQ center or PFLAG (for parents and family of LGBTQ people) and getting some regular support - this will be a difficult process, and you need a professional's support, because not all of your friends and family may be supportive.

I want to correct something you said. You keep mentioning how worried you are for your child that she will have a lot to deal with in life and be bullied. But she has been dealing with this likely her whole life already, and just recently became brave enough to tell you (which is a compliment to how great a mom you are, not everyone feels they can share such things with their parents). People who cannot share being trans, or who come out and then are rejected by parents, are at a high risk for suicide. They likely already do not fit in well socially in one way or another, or do such a good job of masking themselves that they feel constantly torn and eat up by stress inside living two lives. You did not do anything wrong. But she was born trans, so pretend it does not exist is far more miserable and full of torture, and makes her life much more likely to be cut short, than letting it out and being who she is.
And from the kind of mom you seem to be, I bet your hope is that all of your children will grow to be who they are and be happy. You would not wish that any of them hide themselves and their special talents and uniqueness just to please a few small-minded shallow others. Your child is special and wonderful, the same as before - only even more so than you may have realized - and that is a gift. She may grow up to help so many who are born trans and feel such compassion and empathy for others who are struggling, and may even save lives. You can help raise that kind of a hero by being supportive of her own struggle. Being a parent is raising them to be the best of who they are, helping them to be honest and brave, and being flexible to adapt - not trying to force all your kids to conform to predictions you made about their lives before they were even born. She was struggling anyway, now that she has told you it is the beginning of an easier and healthier life for her, things will get BETTER, not worse, with the right professionals to help you both.

Being a parent is hard work, especially to 8 totally different people. But there are resources out there for parents of trans kids, and yes it is painful and involves some loss for you, but there is also so much gain - a child who is happy and will grow up strong and unafraid to be herself, siblings who will learn the powerful lesson that mom's love is unconditional and that she can be trusted with any hard topic, a closer bond, and even a new daughter you never expected. Nothing good comes in life easily - this will take work, but the result will be so fulfilling and your whole family will be healthier as a result.

Please be sure to get her a trans specialist therapist, be patient with yourself and ask for patience because it will take time for you to adjust to calling her "her" and by a female name as long as you try earnestly. There is lots of help for this, and more coming out all the time. And keep posting here any time you need support, for as long as it can help you. The transition part may be hard, but post-transition is not so bad because then you meet people who only know you one way. It's actually a great thing that she's 16, because that is just enough time to figure a lot of this out, and then go on to college as at least outwardly female to start with a whole new social life - transitioning in front of people at school is what would be hard. But even if that is necessary, it will soon be over and she can live a life without the bullying and issues that high school sometimes brings. People will get used to it - the ones who matter - and it will be ok.

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

I just came out to my parents about a week ago with the same thing so i can tell you how she may feel i think she may feel confused and angry because you told her you will accept it yet you are not willing to call her by her female name just be there for her and help her and i sware she will be willing to do her part

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

It can be especially difficult for a Dad to come to terms with trans and gay male children. The best thing to help that along is education and information. If you are stressing the importance of supporting your child for their mental health and make it clear "going against it" will not help in changing anything and it is only going so far the best thing you can do is find a mental health professional and other medical professionals who are involved in the process of transitioning and who specialize in transgender issues and have them speak to him.

Also arm yourself with information. I cannot stress enough the difference it makes when you are informed and can inform others. He is not going to want to find information to understand your son if he is against it but you can find it and tell it to him and once it is learned or heard it can't be unheard/learned. It may take time but if you keep being supportive and providing information and get some specialists on your side to help explain and make the process easier for you and your husband it can make a huge difference.

Big cities usually have some sort of LGBT support and specialized therapists. I am not sure how far you are from one but I can tell you that even if it is very far away (like and hour to two) it will still likely be worth it and do to much good to not make the drive. I have friends who travel and hour to an hour and a half to see therapists and doctors specializing in trans issues and transitioning and for some of them it is literally life saving.

---------- Post added 27th Dec 2012 at 09:07 AM ----------

Also in regards to using the name you may try what my mom, Aunt, Grandma, and Grandpa did. My Aunts name was originally Bill but she changed it to Tiffany so they called her Tiffy-bill to get used to using Tiffany.

They where all raised Pentecostal in West Virginia so know that if they could learn to accept it anyone can, just have hope and faith, it will all get better, easier, and more normal in time.

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

There are lots of options if you don't live near any specialists, which many people don't. Don't assume a general therapist will be able to handle her issues, most do not know enough - although most could be very helpful to support you as a mom to a transgender kid. Locate a reputable therapist or organization (sorry, I'd recommend some but this is not my specialty, maybe someone else can, I just know they exist), and call or email the and let them know your situation. You should be able to get pamphlets, book and website suggestions, and guidance about how to chose medical professionals to help.

You may be able to get her hooked up with a very good therapist who will do phone therapy or Skype sessions, so you don't have to travel - that way you can deal with someone in NY, L.A., or even farther if necessary. Try calling several places if you don't get a good response. Try also checking with an LGBTQ Center, and asking them for recommendations as to what to do - contact one that seems good and is in the same country, it really doesn't matter if they are far away (but finding a local one would really help your family down the line to find a way to deal with this). Many many therapists are willing to accept pay on a sliding scale if you can't afford it, or even barter therapy for something else - say if someone in the family is an artist, or if you knit, whatever.

Try to convince your husband that this is a medical issue, and that the two of you are responsible to support your children and help them through any medical problem that comes up, no matter how big, with the best medical professionals you can manage to get to help you. He needs to know that medical issues that show up in the brain (meaning you can't see them on the outside) are just as real and serious and impossible for a person to control, as a medical issue that shows up in the blood, the hormones, the immune system. He cannot expect your child to simply snap out of it and "think right," because that is not how the body works - someone who feel suicidal can't just fix their own brain chemistry, likewise someone will diabetes or asthma can't just "snap out of it." There are better nuances to this than me comparing it to some of these conditions, but this is something your husband can understand, so I'm not going to worry about being PC about it. Most importantly, he needs to know that if he loves his child, at all costs he needs to keep his feelings to himself about this if he really can't deal - yelling at, intimidating, or otherwise criticizing or bullying her is not acceptable and could cost you your child's life. Ask him to be strong for you, as the man, ask him to help you in this time to make things easier, so you can focus on your children's needs and not have to constantly worry about him and what he might do or say. You have to be able to lean on each other when things are hard, not be each other's enemy.

Congratulations on the new babies, also, I don't know how far along you are, but of course twins are a high-risk pregnancy so you need to really try to take it easy and ask for a lot of help from your man and the kids to be able to manage this, this is a lot of added stress for you to be under and your body needs rest. Maybe it was unavoidable, but life happens whenever it feels like, so you need to remind your husband that you really need his help right now to get through this with the family intact and trusting each other. Men often try to rise to the occasion when they remember they have manly responsibilities everyone is counting on them for - if you hold a low standard, he will fall to meet it, but if you keep reminding him you believe in him and how much help he can be, he may just pull through and really help you out.

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

it seems that your son is transgender (the T in LBGT) i think if he has true friends they would accept him no matter what think he would feel horrible if you didn't call him the name he would prefer, i would not use female/male pronouns

 

Re: my 14 year old said he is a girl in a guys body and wants to be called a girls na

Hi guys --

This thread is a year old. Posting in it now doesn't do any good. Please check dates before you post.