The hate is what baffles me the most. How can you hate someone you don't know? If you want to try to understand check out the PFLAG site. It's for Parents family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. It can only help.
And sadly that hate only breeds hate... and forces people to be on the defensive. Don't get me started. I get so frustrated when dealing with ignorant people.
Hi Maggie <3 I'm not sure what I can say that hasn't already been said by others, but I wanted to come in here and say hi since I'm a 21-year-old bisexual who came out to my own mom when I was 18...maybe I feel an emotional pull to this story, who knows. Bisexuals face some grueling challenges...not more or less than challenges others in the LGBT community face, just different. I am not your son, and I can't even pretend to see what he's thinking. But the relationship with my mom was such that I got the feeling she was too embarrassed to even bring the subject up. Like it was something she wanted to forget, and hope that I just settle down with a guy so I could "appear straight" and not have to worry about any of the stigma associated with being LGBT. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being concerned for your son, hoping he doesn't have to deal with homophobia and biphobia and all those not-so-lovely things. But hoping he will be able to 'hide' what he is in order to avoid those problems is not the way to go. Instead of looking at him, look at the world outside. What can you do to help him be accepted, without him feeling pressured to conform to social standards? Like others have suggested, there's PFLAG. There's talking to people, correcting misconceptions about LGBT. It helps more than you might think. ETA: I forgot to say the most important thing. Thank you for coming here, and thank you for supporting your son, and thank you for being an awesome mom
I just want to say that the "loving" ignorance of loved ones generally hurts much much worse than any hate crime ever could. So as long as YOU are there for them, they can handle the rest. Some of us have to go without even that. And that is what is very painful. Just let them know you accept them, be honest.
True bisexuals are no different than heterosexuals in that they can, when in a relationship, be as fully committed to that relationship (be it with a same-sex or opposite-sex partner) as their heterosexual counterparts. And those who have done their emotional work and understand that they are really bisexual (rather than being gay but not admitting it) see themselves as being equally happy with a man or a woman 10 years down the road, and willing to be with whomever they find that makes them happy. So being in a committed monogamous relationship is no different for a gay or bisexual man than it is for a straight man. That said, what we have seen quite a bit of here is guys who admit to being "somewhat bisexual" or somewhat attracted men, but who get married to a woman, convinced that they're straight, or they can make it work, or they're bisexual, or whatever. And... 5 or 10 or 15 years down the road, they realize they aren't bisexual, but gay, and then they're stuck in a messy situation. However, it doesn't look like your son is likely to find himself in that category, as he's dating a guy now, and telling you about it, so clearly he's comfortable enough to acknowledge that he has a pretty strong attraction to guys. Whether there really is an attraction to girls is something you may just have to wait a bit to know the answer to, but my best advice would be to work on being totally OK with having a son-in-law instead of a daughter-in-law... and then, whichever way it ends up, you'll be OK with it. The people I know who are in long-term gay relationships have just as good (and sometimes better) relationships with both families as their hetero counterparts. And remember, having a gay son-in-law can be a real plus if you need to redecorate, or need fashion advice, or anything of that nature... you'll often get better advice than from a straight daughter-in-law (Yes, I'm stereotyping, but the stereotypes, at least in that case, are often true.)
Again, I appreciate all of your responses. It helps. I want to understand and be as much support as I can to my son. I have been doing a lot of soul-searching in my own situation. Life can be a bitch no matter what your sexual orientation is What I want to convey to my children is the importance of having a solid relationship, a meaningful relationship, a healthy & loving relationship with another human being. Life is truly too short to be unhappy. And no one should EVER settle for anyone who doesn't adore you as much as you adore them. You have to be honest with your partner and to yourself. You cannot be truly happy without that. That's why I am so inquisitive about the emotional aspect. Yes, the physical side is important, but there has to be a full emotional connection in order for everything to click. Chip, my son IS the one I ask for help with redecorating & color choices... lol! He is a wonderful artist. He also compliments me when I dress myself up or do something different with my hair I always attributed that to genetics - artists abound in the family - and I raised him to be polite and compliment people But now that I think about it differently... hmmm
In some ways, I think that gay men and lesbians who are at all healthy are sort of forced to actively work on their emotional issues more so than their straight counterparts, simply because it takes a certain degree of self-acceptance and overcoming shame in order to come out. So *if* the two guys in a gay relationship are both open to working on themselves, I think it is actually easier for them to develop a healthy relationship than it might be for a hetero couple, simply because, for most straight men, it is really difficult to delve at all into emotional issues. One of the go-to references I always mention to people in the process of coming out is the work of Dr. Brené Brown. She is a researcher in the field of wholehearted living, and the things that get in the way of that (shame, and vulnerability.) I believe that everyone can benefit from her work, because it speaks to an issue we *all* have, but LGBT people in particular often find it profound. You would likely enjoy it as well. She's a brilliant, engaging, and funny presenter, and you can find her talks on Youtube. Check out her TEDx Houston talk (The Power of Vulnerability) and I think it might help put some of the pieces together as far as the emotional barriers to closeness. Dr. Brown doesn't directly address LGBT populations, but I think you'll see the parallels. And... if your son notices your outfits and helps you with redecorating... at the risk of being chewed out by others here for reinforcing stereotypes... I'd likely vote more for gay than bi, based on my (entirely non-scientific) experience. But time will tell.
