1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't even know why im here.. just a nobody anyway..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by gamerX, Nov 19, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Thread Tools

Thread Tools

Page 3 of 4
  1. MMiles

    MMiles
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2012
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I couldn't agree more with DDT. Its always fun when your around on vent. I'v not also been around on vent myself, but when I come on generally one of my first two questions are; "Where is DDT?" and "Where is Giga?" Why you may ask? Why would I ask where a piece of sh*t is? Where a no body is? BECAUSE, your not either of those. You are an intelligent Human Being. Don't lie, I'v seen you in you smarts. :grin: When DDT was having alot of off character time, I know everyone on vent was asking questions...Main one; "Whats up with DDT?" Then DDT finally dealt with some issues and one of them being coming out. I don't know the full details about how he did it on vent, but the point is he feels better for it. I would venture to say that he feels better for it because it was a pin hole in his chest that keep growing and growing and almost consumed him because he didn't know what to do. I would also venture to say that he didn't just have that one issue of come out or don't. DDT has always had "the feels". Which is one of the main reasons I'v always liked him. All of us on vent like and enjoy each others comradery and friendship. Yes its online, yes we don't see each other, but that isn't always the case. I know of a few of us that have meet each other outside the internet, you know....IN PERSON.

    Mr. Mod. With respect to your position and comments, I must disagree with you. He came here and posted a lot of details. As well as went up on our groups vent yesterday and posted the link for this thread. He is asking for help. The real question and I think the spirit of what you were hinting at is; Is this conscious or subconscious asking for help? His subconscious is screaming for help, which then leads to the bigger question; "Is he asking consciously?"
    My answer to that is no. However, I am basing this all of my minor which is psychology. So whatever that's really worth, I don't know. I don't put to much stock into psychology anyway. I put stock in real life events and talk.

    Now, GamerX....

    You have a lot of hard times in your life, loads even. Failure after failure after failure, but what have you done after each failure? Your still around to tell the tale, so you picked up and moved on. Moving on sucks. Many on here I'm sure can attest to that fact. You yourself need to look deep, deep inside yourself grab your balls and......THINK! Think about what things you are good at doing. Think about what you do have in life. Think about what you want to do in life. Your 22 years old! Your not 27, 29, 42, or 35, but 22. Your just starting out in grander parts of 'The Great Game'. Not having to hit start to pause the game and then choose "Revert to last save" and start over. I know your sitting there reading this going; "Great, here it comes. Another typical Human let me try to relate to you ploy." Well the truth is, it's not a ploy and I can't full relate. So then the question comes, how can you understand. Well I can understand because I somewhat relate and I see patterns. Patterns that I'v seen before. Now, I know a certain person on out vent is reading this and I'm going to get a text later I'm sure asking questions, but whatever. My point is that you have to really sit and think deep about things. Its going to hurt, your going to cry some more, your going to be alone some more...But you know what, that's ok. Because those are things we all do in 'The Great Game'. I know this is long, but damnit I really do care about you, I got a text asking me to get on vent last night so I could look at this link and give my thoughts and comments to help. I gave them last night, but it was on Skype not vent where I got the link and gave those comments and thoughts. (Sense I couldn't get on vent). This morning I was checking email and decided I would come on here and give you my thoughts and comments directly. WHY!? because I care! Because DDT is right in everything he said!

    You say you've never had a single friend in your life not even "Internet Friends". Well good sir, that is a bold faced lie. Because you have a gaming group that are your internet friends, including the two that came on this forum to say their peace. Now...someone like your personalty has friends outside the nets. However, at this moment in your life, you refuse to see that because of your disassociation with Humanity.
    (@Joey4: Yes he identifies himself as something other than Human. He has been dehumanized by the events in his past.)
    I could sit here and type a lengthy piece by piece post spelling out different aspects about your OP and then the other large post you made. However, I'm not going to do that. Because right now your heart, soul, essence is screaming for help and attention. Which means until its calmed you won't see consciously what all these other posters on here have been saying or what I'v been saying. But you did come on here and write all this. You did ask for help, you did go on vent and give us this threads link. BUT in the end after everyone has said their peace, given you advise; its up to YOU about what you do. Only thing any of us can do is try and guide you, its all up to you.
    "You can lead a horse to water....but you can't make it drink."
    Well right now you are that horse, a horse I'd like to see drink some. Because once you start drinking, you may find your self now a centaur, part horse...part Human. And when you've had your fill of water, you might just find you are now Human again. And you know what, I think that scares you a little, but....thats ok too. Because being scared is being Human.
    Love you Giga.
    -PQ

    PS. Up until now, only 2 people in my life knew I was Bi. Well I guess helping a friend is good enough reason to have a family member now know.
     
    #41 MMiles, Dec 19, 2012
  2. silkfrog1292

    silkfrog1292
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2011
    Messages:
    440
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hong Kong
    Hi GamerX

    After looking at your post closely and reading some of the comments by other posters i'm rather concerned. As MMiles observed, you seemed to address all other people as "Human", while you address yourself as "Faggot", "Garbage", "Shit". You dehumanising and deprecating oneself into something less of a human, coupled with the fact you speak in broken sentences that suggest incoherent thought makes me very very worried. You mentioned about the dismissive attitude your psychiatrist adopted about your problems. Have you tried speaking with another psychiatrist? Maybe calling suicide prevention hotlines whenever you have the urge to harm yourself may help.

    But nonetheless, I agree with Joey. We all have our gloomy days and sometimes we just need to vent and wallow in sadness for a few days. But if things get any worse or if you just want someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to post here. I'm sure all of us here on EC will always be willing to talk and listen to you :slight_smile:
     
    #42 silkfrog1292, Dec 19, 2012
  3. AaronMed

    AaronMed
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2012
    Messages:
    320
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Stoney Creek, Ontario, Canada
    In reply to MMiles's reply to BudderMC:

    I completely agree with MMiles. BudderMC, with all due respect, my honest opinion is that your post was completely inappropriate, and I don't think threatening to lock a thread is going to help anyone. That's just the kind of thing that can push a person off the edge. I may not have been here for a long time, but I know one thing: Empty Closets is a place of support, of friendship, and of comradery. We don't just shut people off because we're frustrated with our progress at trying to help them. Again, I respect that you're a mod, but if you don't have anything helpful to say I would urge you to not post in this thread again.


    Side-note directed at GamerX:

    I agree with previous posts in that what you've been through - stuff that I can't even begin to imagine - has dehumanized you to a point where you no longer identify as human. Well, I'm here to let you know something: you are a person. Don't believe me? You feel emotion, you have intelligence, you want love, just like everyone else that's human. And by virtue of being a person, you have a right to life and to happiness. But this isn't going to come easy, and you're in a shitty situation. With that being said, if you try, you can pick yourself up and get whatever you want out of life. And the beautiful part is, no one expects you to do that alone! We're all here rooting for you, so any time you need support, make a post, go to the chat room, or PM one of us! We care about you, and we want to see you get better. So feel free to drop me or anyone else a line :slight_smile:.


    In reply to MMiles:

    Seconded. You have tonnes of time to figure things out. Hey, you're only 3 years older than me, and I'm not anywhere near done my self-fulfulling journey, which I'm expecting to take about 12 years to complete!

    If you want to go back to school, do it. If you want to go to university, get the prerequisites done and do that. Want to go to med school? Do it. Want to go to law school? Do it. Want to become an electrician? Do it. Want to be a software engineer? Do it. Want to become an architect? Do it. Want to become a musician? Do it.

    My point is that you can do whatever the hell you want to do if you put your mind to it. You're smart, but you have to pick up your things and get the ball rolling. We're all here to encourage and support you while you do (*hug*).

    This is the one single element of MMiles' post that I vehemently disagree with - you're not going to be alone. You're on EC, and that's a start to making friends. Reach out to one of us, any of us, all of us, whatever, and we will be your friend. I'll be your friend if you let me :slight_smile:.

    This is very true. Fear is part of the human condition, and overcoming it is a struggle we all face, so in that respect I think we can certainly all understand where you're coming from.


    In summary:

    Your life is worth living, and it's only just started. If you need to talk, feel free to drop me or anyone else a line. Again, I'll be your friend if you'll let me, and we're all here for you (*hug*).
     
    #43 AaronMed, Dec 19, 2012
  4. Given To Fly

    Given To Fly
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2012
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Birmingham, UK
    Dude, so much of your posts reminds me of myself in some ways. I had a shitty childhood. My parents were too self absorbed to give a damn about me. I had no real friends, I have a skin condition which earned me bullying throughout school, Ileft school early because of it. A year ago I attempted suicide, and even managed to not do that right, as far as I was concerned at the time.

    It took me until this year to process all the shit I put up with. Bullies took away my youth, I now realise that on top of that I GAVE the bastards my 20s as well.

    What I'm trying to say is, even though I know you probably aren't ready to hear it yet, is it can get better. It did for me. I've accepted I'm gay, and I've realised it's something I can live with. I'll never get back those 30-odd years of my life, but I can make damn sure that the next 30 years, or however long I have left, are better.

    Please don't give up on the human race yet. Your friends from Vent have already proved to you that you have at least two friends, even when you think you have none, I'm willing to bet you have a lot more too.

    I won't keep preaching at you, but if you want to talk, please leave a message on my wall, or post here. (*hug*)
     
    #44 Given To Fly, Dec 19, 2012
  5. gamerX

    gamerX
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2012
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Winnipeg, MB, Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Mmm.. sure.. simple to say none of you even know what happened on 12/22/12.. its in relation to the first post.. & the most accurate daily horoscope app I ever seen was finally wrong once.. when it was saying how the universe has good things coming etc before the end of this month.. theres 9 mins left of it.. & since it said that on the 19th nothing but the opposite was done to me.. like the last 22 years.. now i cry for new years so hard im out of breath.. just like on xmas & everyday... as i play or try to play whatever lonely, usually Borderlands 1/2 cause that game also has 1 more special meaning.. also tied to.. the first post..
     
    #45 gamerX, Dec 31, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2012
  6. gamerX

    gamerX
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2012
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Winnipeg, MB, Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Cause everyone "cares"... this is only the history starting from 11/14/12 since most of the previous was already said in the first post & would edit it if i could, which was the last reply i ever got till it all happens.. 11/08/12 was the last time i ever seen him.. till this date & always will be.. 10/09/12(meet) never forget.. 12/22/12(end) never forget.. still hasnt deleted me from steam/skype yet either cant even look at his profile avatar anymore cause instant infinite pain.. picture of him &.. someone else.. (at the same time the only "happiness" i could ever say i have is that he has what he needs.. least he is happy, i hope..) I know saying this means nothing but.. read slowly & observe the dates/times before saying.... nevermind.. it doesnt even matter its impossible for me to hurt anymore than currently..


    Wednesday, Nov 14, 2012
    Me (‎10:59:01 AM‬): Morning.. how are u holding up?
    Unknown Sender (‎11:00:11 AM‬): Was in the hospital all night. They didnt help at all
    Me (‎11:02:44 AM‬): My heart rate just went up some more.. are u okay..? Do u want my doctor info.?
    Unknown Sender (‎11:04:29 AM‬): Nah its fine. I just thought they would be able to figure out what was wrong, instead they said needs some steroids to get through the pain, goodluck buddy <-- Very last reply until...
    Me (‎11:06:33 AM‬): ... Isn't very nice.. I want to see u again
    Me (‎11:20:03 AM‬): When can I?
    Me (‎11:31:28 AM‬): ..:/ Do u want to come here.?
    Me (‎11:46:51 AM‬): Tomorrow..? U okay.? :/
    Me (‎1:59:54 PM‬): Can we tomorrow..? I like u & I care & scared for u..
    Me (‎2:33:57 PM‬): Useless lonely trash me wants to walk off a bridge already.. if u think I should just let it out..

    Thursday, Nov 15, 2012
    Me (‎1:21:12 AM‬): *holds in arms*..
    Me (‎11:35:45 AM‬): Morning.. how are u.?

    Friday, Nov 16, 2012
    Me (‎1:46:53 PM‬): Have a nice weekend hope ur okay...
    Me (‎3:55:23 PM‬): I miss u

    Saturday, Nov 17, 2012
    Me (‎10:50:50 AM‬): Morning..
    Me (‎5:33:25 PM‬): Heyy how u feeling.? :wink: Can we meet Monday..?
    Me (‎6:08:50 PM‬): I want to play games with u again & watch a movie/hold u..

    Sunday, Nov 18, 2012
    Me (‎12:04:44 AM‬): I hope u okay... :/ im not but who cares about me, u don't know how much I think about u..
    Me (‎12:45:33 AM‬): Have a good night.. still don't think ur "boring".. me wants to be there for u..
    Me (‎11:43:52 AM‬): Morning
    Me (‎2:17:56 PM‬): Can I come over tomorrow..?
    Me (‎4:46:40 PM‬): U could come here too.. bring the laptop if u want, I would come get u.. I'm sick too in a different way, I have no one to be with ever...
    Me (‎10:44:00 PM‬): So mmm... are u okay, do I or when do I see u..?

    Monday, Nov 19, 2012
    Me (‎3:29:45 AM‬): Night..
    Me (‎9:34:27 AM‬): Morning
    Me (‎2:34:44 PM‬): How are u feeling.?
    Me (‎6:02:27 PM‬): Come over watch a movie with me..:/ bus 11->170 or I'd come get u.. I want to know ur actually okay..

    Tuesday, Nov 20, 2012
    Me (‎11:53:58 AM‬): Good morning..

    Wednesday, Nov 21, 2012
    Me (‎4:24:04 AM‬): Hope u know ur still on my mind.. For ur well being & all cause I care, & hope that ur doing okay.. I miss u, when can I see u again.?

    & (early)morning..
    Me (‎3:05:58 PM‬): U could be in an emergency room & I wouldn't even know it.. if u want to get rid of me u know what to do.. If I'll ever see u again let alone hear from u..
    Me (‎3:31:36 PM‬): I know exactly everything I said to/about u & it all still stands.. I wont, cant, stop caring about u even if I wanted to but I dont, even if i am worthless shit to u.. till either I die or u get rid of me whichever comes first, I'll "be here"...
    Me (‎6:40:46 PM‬): Probably only silent to just me this dying loser right..? When do I see u again...
    Me (‎6:54:45 PM‬): I want to know what I, this suffering lonely shit nobody did.. must of probably been something..
    Me (‎11:13:08 PM‬): Say something to me... U matter & I care..

    Thursday, Nov 22, 2012
    Me (‎9:17:47 AM‬): Morning..
    Me (‎9:52:59 AM‬): I want to come over & see u..
    Me (‎6:34:20 PM‬): How are u feeling.?

    Friday, Nov 23, 2012
    Me (‎2:46:50 PM‬): Have a nice weekend.. as long as its better than mine, the dying worthless lonely shit I am, in some way..

    Monday, Nov 26, 2012
    Me (‎9:47:28 AM‬): Morning
    Me (‎8:11:39 PM‬): I would like to see u this Friday or any day really.. I hope ur at least doing sort of okay, I care..

    Wednesday, Nov 28, 2012
    Me (‎2:00:54 AM‬): Night..*holds*
    Me (‎9:50:19 AM‬): Can I see u on ur birthday.?
    Me (‎8:31:54 PM‬): Can I..? :/or any other time...

    Sunday, Dec 2, 2012
    Me (‎3:48:08 PM‬): I hope u had a nice birthday & weekend..
    Me (‎3:58:58 PM‬): It would be nice to come over again..

    Monday, Dec 3, 2012
    Me (‎7:37:48 AM‬): Morning
    Me (‎3:11:57 PM‬): When can we meet again..?

    Tuesday, Dec 4, 2012
    Me (‎2:35:21 PM‬): Whats wrong.. why do u ignore me...?

    Are u actually okay if this isn't some game ur doing just to me.? I hope inside u do know who's standing right there as sick & lonely as he is, cause u matter to him
    Me (‎2:47:19 PM‬): Even if the phone is fucking up u ignore me everywhere.. why.? I can't even know if ur fine or when we can meet again yet u won't just walk on me & finish me off/get rid of me.. what ever did this piece of shit do...

    Wednesday, Dec 5, 2012
    Me (‎1:36:20 PM‬): Afternoon..

    Thursday, Dec 6, 2012
    Me (‎3:34:35 PM‬): I'd be leaving shortly to go to ur place, first attempt trying to anyway.. just wanting to say something of it.. if u decline say so..

    Saturday, Dec 8, 2012
    Me (‎6:49:28 AM‬): Morning

    Tuesday, Dec 11, 2012
    Me (‎4:47:02 PM‬): I hope ur feeling better.. even a little bit

    Tuesday, Dec 18, 2012
    Me (‎1:25:02 PM‬): Can I see u again for the holidays..?

    Wednesday, Dec 19, 2012
    Me (‎10:54:25 AM‬): Morning

    Thursday, Dec 20, 2012
    Me (‎12:26:41 AM‬): I miss u..

    Friday, Dec 21, 2012
    Me (‎7:14:29 PM‬): Have a nice weekend.. ur doing fine i hope...

    Saturday, Dec 22, 2012
    Unknown Sender (‎10:57:18 AM‬): Hi, Calvin, this is m*****, Colt's girlfriend. I feel uncomfortable with the way you're acting towards colt and the volume messages you are sending him. He has told you he has a girlfriend, and you send him dozens of messages where he doesn't reply. You even go so far as to show up at his house uninvited. Thats kind of freaky dude. If you're just looking for friendship he clearly isn't interested. Bad chemistry, and if you're looking for romance that position is filled. I suggest you try with someone else. Good luck with that.
    Me (‎11:41:41 AM‬): ... he did not tell me that.. it ended with him saying he's sick & the hospital won't help him.. & that we would meet again just for me to be abandoned as usual..
    Me (‎11:45:26 AM‬): I'll always care about him cause thats all I ever do for a person.. & now I guess I can send this which I already typed & saved weeks ago..
    Me (‎11:46:16 AM‬): "I would like to spend Xmas or some part of these holidays with u.. for whatever it means coming from a nobody like me but after everything I did & said to u so far.. I might as well say this too anyway it would be an insult not to. I've never had any holidays or any other time to spend with anyone before & the holidays period of the year makes me even worse cause.. I guess it's cause it's when everyone is with someone somehow, appreciating each other & caring, it just picks at the wound I was born with that'll probably never heal.. reminds me what I never had/have cause I don't exist..

    Only thing I "want" or guess I should say need.. for Xmas is to be with someone & that someone is u.. I can't even find a con or downside about u if I tried to, I can't even list all the reasons why u mean what u do to me.. gaming/steam, watching random videos, karate, "meh like" way of doing things but not too much, very quiet, say ur boring.. etc goes on.. Like how many people on a meetup app like ******* use steam or even know what it is or play games (a lot) & the type of games that u do.. we're probably the only 2 there like that..

    When u said ur boring I actually "liked" that.. & ur history or hopefully just some & not all of it, of experience with loneliness.. just makes me want to be beside u some more even if u don't care.. Total so far I sacrificed 1 week of food for myself for the total of what I got u for ur birthday & I would gladly starve some more if it means I get something for a person. Someone like u shouldn't even be on any meetup app.. u should have family & gamer friends left & right being there for u electronically, & more importantly physically beside u..

    I still have the same crush on u as when I first said it.. 40% of it was there already by the time I first entered ur room, 100% by the time I left just as I knew would happen when u walked up to me in the mall. I don't know how to explain how I see like that with words on a screen.. & as I think i said already, u are the last one I ever went to or "reached out to" since.. as I already gave up forever just days after I said anything to u but was before the meet. The meet only still happened cause I said I would before the give up happened so I honored what i said.. I haven't said a single thing first to anyone since & never will again.. someone's going to be the last one to "slip in" & it was u.. U were the only one to even say good morning to me.. like.. I don't know what to say to that..

    I already promised to myself that I would never give up on u.. only 2 things that could get rid of me is if u respond to me in any way whether it be spilling how much of a piece of shit I am etc, silently delete me from everything steam etc, or.. when I get so sick I die lonely in a hospital emergency room.. as I hold my own hand during my last seconds with no one being there for me.. other than that im not going anywhere. The latter, hospital sick, could happen basically any time now.. after 22 years straight of nothing but absolute torture, loneliness & abuse I've been sick my entire life I just tried to hide it from u.. & even my doctor can't do anything there is no care except one thing that I'll never have.. my suffering & stress levels are so off the charts I'm basically told "u need to have someone to be with very soon or...." that's the only thing he was right about.. loneliness will kill u.

    I don't even know if ull read this wall of text till this far but.. I guess it dont matter.. if u just don't care then mmm.. ya I guess.. U dont know how much I always think of u how much u matter to me, always hoping ur feeling better & that its not just all a fake story.. & I'm always thinking what it was that I did to u, or if I did nothing & it was just my mere useless presence.. I am the "boring" one, I'm ugly looking with a lame name & hurting beyond comprehension cause I never existed to anyone before, no friends, no family, no Internet friends.. I remember the things u said to me every day "don't worry I won't stand u up, u can't really scared me off", "when I feel better ya we can meet again" & etc.. hoping theres something to those cause its been said before never with truth.. even though u seem to only be silent to just me while speaking to & being around everyone else.. I still try to hope to hope.

    After all I am just a lonely emo piece of shit.. that cares & just gets walked on more & more.. All that + everything I said to u earlier, are most of my feelings I have for u.. but still not quite all.. Everything about the way u are as a person is what makes me want to be with u & hold ur hand. Never inf my life I could play ps3 beside someone like I did with u.."
    Me (‎11:54:50 AM‬): Already almost tried to kill myself yesterday.. not cause of him but.. guess I really should of.. oct 9, 2012 is a day & the last of its kind I'll never forget, when I met him & saw this all coming but still liked, cared, been there for & had a crush on/already fell for him.. is exactly why I tried to say what I said about my feelings towards him early.. & how terrified I was.. when he was saying how I shouldn't be & it was fine to be liking him the way I do/did.. I didn't exactly fully believe the sick all winter thing but I was forcing myself to.. when u care u do...
    Unknown Sender (‎11:57:19 AM‬): I really dont want you to be down about this. The reason I didnt message back was cause I was scared to hurt you. I just didnt know how to say it.
    Me (‎11:57:43 AM‬): As everything else I hoped for him I hope he & u have wonderful holidays.. I'll just be sick dying in my room as usual.. in the event I can't say merry Xmas/happy new year tell it to him for me..
    Me (‎11:58:43 AM‬): It was already being planned in my mind as a possible outcome..
    Unknown Sender (‎11:59:01 AM‬): This is colt btw now
    Me (‎11:59:43 AM‬): I know.. really I was done for as a person since I was born..
    Me (‎12:02:20 PM‬): I knew I should of gotten rid of myself already...
    Me (‎12:02:24 PM‬): I love u
    Me (‎12:13:40 PM‬): I won't forget about u...

    Tuesday, Dec 25, 2012
    Me (‎12:00:47 AM‬): Merry xmas..
    Unknown Sender (‎2:50:01 AM‬): Merry chrimbus
    Me (‎10:09:49 PM‬): Thanks.. I hope u had one..

    Friday, Dec 28, 2012
    Me (‎1:53:28 PM‬): Afternoon..
    Unknown Sender (‎1:55:34 PM‬): Just kill yourselfalready -m*****
    Unknown Sender (‎1:57:30 PM‬): Now colt has ti change his number you creep. Dont make us get a restraining order . Just fuck off , and if you actually kill yourself thats your problem
    Unknown Sender (‎1:58:37 PM‬): But stop messaging colt about it. Have you no social boundaries ,? Go get help, freak
    Unknown Sender (‎2:05:28 PM‬): Omg youre attractive to find a nice partner
    Unknown Sender (‎2:05:54 PM‬): Go*
    Me (‎2:16:44 PM‬): So let him say all that to my ugly face then..
    Unknown Sender (‎7:43:28 PM‬): Sorry she went through my messages again
    Me (‎7:46:45 PM‬): No need for u to be.. im garbage anyway..
    Unknown Sender (‎7:47:29 PM‬): She is just really defensive
    Me (‎7:49:56 PM‬): She is right about the go die part.. I wish the same too..
    Unknown Sender (‎8:11:58 PM‬): No you shouldnt
    Me (‎8:17:25 PM‬): I don't know what to do anymore.. & out of everything this period of the year is the worst cause of holidays.. sometimes I think I should just drink the whole damn bottle of vodka straight thats sitting beside me.. everyone's celebrating a new year I'm in my room with tears flowing like the last 22 years..
    Unknown Sender (‎8:50:18 PM‬): Thats stupid
    Me (‎8:59:07 PM‬): Mmm.. well maybe it is but.. im stupid too.. it's taken me 22 years to realize its time to give up.. not having a family or any friend should of been a red flag years ago but.. I already gave up precisely on oct 7.. due to some treatment from humans.. only reason I met u was cause I already said I would.. u slipped in.. if i stalled by even 1 day longer it wouldn't of happened.. maybe if I did I wouldn't of entered & wrecked a nice life of urs.. I'm sorry..
    Me (‎9:02:46 PM‬): Some time ago there was something some person had for sale on an ad that I wanted.. once I put in the address it involved me having to take the 85 bus to get there, I left it once I knew that.. I couldn't even bare having to take that bus or be near that area in fear of seeing u on it... I taken that bus enough already as well as the 11 & 40.. if its not to see u it's too much for me now.. just like that there is still some things I haven't said to u yet..
    Unknown Sender (‎10:26:47 PM‬): Im working
    Me (‎10:29:38 PM‬): It's fine colt.. go do ur job.. I'm just, a nobody anyway..
    Me (‎10:31:18 PM‬): I can't even have a job been 11 months now I'm on disability cause I'm in that much pain I can't do anything anymore.. but sit on steam on try to play games alone
    Me (‎10:45:57 PM‬): Im just here.. sipping on this vodka slowly wondering when I should just drink the whole thing at once & be done with it.. nothing of value would be lost..

    Saturday, Dec 29, 2012
    Me (‎12:39:47 AM‬): I'm sort of drunk but even then im still not a bar star.. I just miss u.. I guess for the first time of my life right now but.. I still miss u.. & always will.. I guess in top much so to even reply.. but I can say this.. I miss u..

    Tuesday, Jan 1, 2013
    Me (‎12:01:18 AM‬): Happy new year..
    Me (‎12:28:34 AM‬): I hope u know what u did/meant/mean to someone last year.. there's nothing to even think about if I wanted to or could.. only significant thing or should say, person was the obvious.. im typing to him as I type this well I hope I'm typing to him.. im pathetic with words on a screen so sorry in adv.. u probably wonder "how long?" well it was since around the second time I came over.. when u played borderlands 2 which reminded me of that game since it was in the back of my mind cause it was never affordable, ur part of why I pour many hours into that game just cause.. reminds me of u & what else would a failure like me do anyway besides play lonely.. between that second visit & the following week after which makes it between 10/15/12 ~ 10/22/12 is when i fully felt the way I do now & always will..

    Several things done to me for the first & last time ever & u probably didn't even know it.. (in a good way..) well u did bunch not even counting the things in common.. like being at the mall 35 mins early I know thats the way the 85 runs but still.. the good mornings/nights thats never been said to me ever by anyone.. the 3hrs of ps3 beside someone + the last half hr after that just before I left.. that list could go on probably endlessly & I guess what makes it even better is u were just being u.. at least I hope so. If I had an option to time travel backwards & have a choice to alter history or not meet u.. I wouldn't I would just press the repeat button..

    There wasn't anything else behind me showing up nov 8 except to give u the small gift I gave u.. hope u know that too.. I wasn't expecting to stay there for 4hrs more like 4mins.. near ending of that was the way it was cause it was probably the last time I'll ever see u, just.. knew.. couldn't hold in anymore & didn't want to cry upstairs.. No matter what I say here + since more than 1 person is reading this.. there'll always be the little portion that would never be said cause it requires what I'll never have.. someone beside me someone "there" someone i could open to for the first time.. there'll always be those pieces I'll probably never know.. like why im not deleted/blocked on everything already since u hate my guts anyway.. maybe there was something to the "dont worry i wont stand u up u cant really scare me off anyway".. just that im not even trying to scare.. just care i dont even have to try to care, it just happens.. i didnt have to give u a heart or whatevers left of me, it gave itself.. some of the things u said accelerated it but mmm I guess some things are best left unanswered..

    Since even day 1 I wanted to join the css server u played in but didn't know how.. to bring it up.. + I need cs reteaching anyway but now I'll probably never join or in any other game server if I know ur in it unless u invite me, too much pain.. ull think im.. following or something.. I remember everything I ever did & said to u.. still don't take any of it back & won't ever.. even the very last text before this one there is pieces of typos in there but i still remember what I said, I guess alcohol makes me say truth faster.. but I guess fortunately cause im truthful anyway, what I said has already been said.. or it could of been very embarrassing.. was the first time I ever had any alcohol in my worthless life too, always been a small hopeless "dream" to have someone beside me in a quiet area to have some drinks/pizza/game/1 more thing here with but thats as hopeless as my existence.. so I just ruined what was left of that dream & tried to my lonely self with tears as usual.. not like anything matters anymore.. if anything of me ever did in the last 22 years its not like anyone ever checks(ed) on me.. I'm less than a piece of shit & could be kicked out from where i live basically anytime.. If i died in my sleep it would be the best thing to ever happen to mankind.. if anyone would even know such a thing happened to me... I don't know what "happiness" or anything identical to that word means.. like hugs, forgot what they are already.. but if anything there was a small glimpse of it, with u.. for the first & last time ever..

    Like everything else I hoped for u.. I hope u have a nice New Years & ur holidays were good.. ur the only one i can say that to.. that ur not sick, suffering, lonely anything like that.. if u ever are just look at this faggot here & ull feel better, feelings don't just turn off like a light & they won't.. mine for u that is.. see it as a compliment I guess.. just hope u know that &.. the rest i could say will probably be bottled forever.. 2013 better be lovely for u cause u deserve it..
    Me (‎2:29:25 AM‬): I can't help but say it one more time.. since it doesn't matter anyway.. or maybe it's the vodka or song I'm listening to but... I love u..
    Me (‎5:03:52 AM‬): maybe u would have interest in this site.. [link here].. im "********" on there since 2007 ugly name but can't change it.. just to know...

    Friday, Jan 18, 2013
    Me (‎1:51:37 AM‬): Good night.. hope ur well..
    Me (‎8:23:31 PM‬): Have a good weekend..


    Theres a tiny bit more of me talking/caring for him on skype.. it'll go on forever really & yet he knows that.. i just moved to there hoping its more "private" cause of...
     
    #46 gamerX, Feb 5, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2013
  7. BudderMC

    BudderMC
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    I skimmed through that conversation, so if I missed something important I apologize, and please correct me where I'm mistaken.

    What I see is you are really, really, REALLY pining over this guy. I don't know what you expected to come from those messages, but I don't think that a relationship was going to happen. Though his girlfriend was being a total bitch about it, what she said was correct in essence - if someone isn't replying to you, that's probably an indication that they have less interest in doing so that you might have thought they did. It's not the most polite way to go about it, but it usually is meant as a pretty obvious hint.

    Nobody deserves to be told to kill themselves. I won't elaborate on that because there really is nothing else to say about it. Bottom line, it shouldn't happen, and I'm sorry you had to be on the receiving end of it.

    You sound like life seems pretty terrible. And truthfully, if I were in your shoes I can only imagine how much pain you seem to be in. You have a couple of options though:

    1) Stick where you are, keep the mindset you have, and continue to feel miserable... which I'm sure you don't enjoy doing.
    2) Decide that maybe, just maybe, there's something in life worth moving on for. Pick yourself up and start fresh.

    A lot of people argue that there is no getting out of depression until you hit some sort of "rock bottom" and have a revelation. If where you're at isn't rock bottom, I don't know what is. If you don't like where you are, then maybe it's time for a change.

    I love this quote because it is so applicable in everyday life. I find it pulls me out when I'm feeling down about things. Maybe it'll help you too. If you want to consider making a change a try, I'd suggest you start by cutting off all ties with this guy. He clearly isn't worth your time.
     
    #47 BudderMC, Feb 5, 2013
  8. WilliamM

    WilliamM Guest

    Your my friend gamerx
     
    #48 WilliamM, Feb 5, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2013
  9. Dynamite

    Dynamite
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2013
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Sorry for bumping an old thread but I had to reply.

    gamerX,

    Don't be so hard on yourself. I have tried to commit suicide and almost completed it. It made me realize how much of a gift life really is. Loneliness can make us think and do crazy things. I use to be so lonely,depressed, and drinking heavily that I would call people and say my good byes and wouldn't even remember it. They recorded them and played them and I was stunned.

    Get out in life more. One of the best things I ever did was go to an all night coffee shop for a coffee at 11pm. Believe it or not. It was a great conversation starter and I ended up meeting so many people. You wouldn't believe how many people were out. You'd think at that hour most people would be home sleeping or at a bar. Nope.

    This goes for anybody reading this: Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is very temporary and enjoy it while you are here.
     
    #49 Dynamite, Apr 25, 2013
  10. gamerX

    gamerX
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2012
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Winnipeg, MB, Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Do you have ANY idea..?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA AT ALL? NO! Cause this, I whatever the hell i am, is imcomprehensible..

    IM
    A
    F**KING
    WORTHLESS
    PIECE
    OF
    SHIT

    Only he can save what cant be saved see what i did there? If you have to ask why/how then READ THE THREAD AGAIN. Its over i am over i will randomly drop dead some day like this i fulfilled nobody & never did never will 10/09/2012 forever
     
    #50 gamerX, Apr 30, 2013
  11. Viridian

    Viridian Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2013
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    So....why can't you stop being a fvcking worthless piece of sh/t?

    Can you explain to us why this Colt guy is the only one able to save you?

    Why can't you save yourself?
     
    #51 Viridian, Apr 30, 2013
  12. gamerX

    gamerX
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2012
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Winnipeg, MB, Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    You probably just said that on purpose..

    Posts #1, 5 & 46 i even told u exactly which ones to save ur precious time.. rest is optional..




    i love u colt
     
    #52 gamerX, May 1, 2013
  13. Lamonia

    Lamonia Guest

    ^^^^

    GamerX I understand where you are coming from, but you need to take controll of your life.

    I am like you, but by time I realized that there is something very strange about being like this, is that I am always the victim somehow..everyone did things to me, and I never think twice about what I did to others. (And I did a lot).

    Also by time I realized how reality and perceptions are two different things. If you are a gamer have you ever read or played the game silent hill. Basically that game is full of monsters, that at the end of the game you discover that the monsters are not actually monsters it was people, but the character you are playing with is so jaded and hurt by life that he views things in a certain way (his wife died of a disease and he felt the medical professionals did not care enough, so he sees the nurses as zombie like with guns and nurse outfits).

    You must be willing to take a step back, and say - maybe I am not seeing life for what it *FULLY* is, yes there is a lot of darkness, but there is a lot of light as well.

    If you decide you are a piece of shit, then that's it you are doomed to be one. The only reason you don't stay a piece of shit, is if you don't want to be. If you feel that being a piece of shit is not what you want to be, then you have to believe there is a way out.

    Also if you assess your self by everyone's decisions, you will always be miserable. You can only control what you give to others, but you should expect nothing from them.

    We...humans...are no angels...but we are not devils either...you have to accept and understand this aspect of humanity. And you must accept it because you have the same...attributes.

    There is nothing as suffocating as someone expecting so much of someone for themselves, even if you are paying them money, you must learn to understand other peoples' views, for them to be willing to understand yours. Even if you pay them money. We all have our views and stories to tell, and we love to share them, but we want to feel as heard as much as we talk.

    ---------- Post added 1st May 2013 at 12:20 AM ----------

    You are not an alien or unhuman for having those feelings of hurt, and if some people don't understand its because they didn't go through what you went through....and once they do they will be like you.

    I used to have a lot of trouble wanting to live, and what compounded that is feeling that no one is having the same problem. I felt alone, and I felt that maybe I am not 'Godly' enough, I guess another word for 'not feeling human'.

    But as I grew up, and somehow I didn't decide to kill my self, I was astounded by seeing how people I used to know, who seemed like the happiest, and most stable people in the world, are having dark thoughts, that I have - by which time I was more able to deal with those dark thoughts and offer advice. Mind you they would be people who have everything you thought is causing you to be miserable.

    They'd be straight, beautiful, rich, have a loving family, have a husband, have a prestigious job. It even made them feel worse, because they felt why am I suicidal, when I have everything.

    You have to believe in that there is a point in all of this, and that it does get better, we are not aliens to you, we understand what you go through, and its up to you to believe that it does get slowly but surely better by time.
     
    #53 Lamonia, May 1, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: May 1, 2013
  14. gamerX

    gamerX
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2012
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Winnipeg, MB, Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    NO U DONT THATS WHY YOU QUOTED THAT CRAP AND SAID THAT! You think that "HELPS"?!
     
    #54 gamerX, May 1, 2013
  15. Argentwing

    Argentwing
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2012
    Messages:
    6,696
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Might I suggest letting go of your anger? It appears that it has consumed you, blinding you to all else. Nobody thinks clearly when they're pissed enough to use all caps. If Lamonia's post was so unhelpful as to be offensive, dismiss it. Unhelpful things aren't worth your time or energy to be angry at them.

    You need to be concerned with you. Even if you are certain you're a worthless piece of shit, decide that you will stop being one, because why else would it trouble you so much if you liked it that way? Identify specific problems in your life and fix them in order of availability or importance. If you feel you can't fix something or are out of options, change tactics.

    I hope you don't take my post to be mocking or condescending. I see that you're in a lot of pain, and feel that I've found good ways of dealing with it. If you don't see anything in here that sounds good, please say so, but also please don't get mad. I genuinely want to see you happy. Everybody else who answered does to. We're doing our best. :slight_smile:
     
    #55 Argentwing, May 1, 2013
    Last edited: May 1, 2013
  16. gamerX

    gamerX
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2012
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Winnipeg, MB, Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Are you colt? NO! & dont u damn well even think about saying that "u have to let him go" or similar shit if you are READ THE THREAD AGAIN POSTS 1, 5 & 46! Is there something about "incomprehensible" u or anyone dont get? When i finally die in my sleep or something like i deserve i wish i could see his face the moment he finds out.. i hope it doesnt hit him too hard but who would even dare cry over this useless scumbag? Many things he'll probably never know from me that will never be said cause he'll never be seen again..
     
    #56 gamerX, May 1, 2013
  17. Argentwing

    Argentwing
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2012
    Messages:
    6,696
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm not sure exactly what you're talking about, but if Colt is the source of your bad feelings, you at least know where you should direct your energy. I won't tell you to let him go, but you have to deal with it somehow.

    At the very least, if you don't think anyone would cry if you died, give them a reason. I know there are things you want to do with your life. Going after them would give you and everyone something to respect and love about you.
     
    #57 Argentwing, May 1, 2013
  18. gamerX

    gamerX
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2012
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Winnipeg, MB, Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    Read then before typing.. post #1, #5 & #46!
     
    #58 gamerX, May 1, 2013
  19. CptnBeefheart

    CptnBeefheart
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2013
    Messages:
    144
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    You're kind of coming off awfully rude for people who are trying to help you...
     
    #59 CptnBeefheart, May 1, 2013
  20. gamerX

    gamerX
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2012
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Winnipeg, MB, Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Help? what help where is help are you beside me saving *insert words here to describe what i am*? simple for you to just toss that reply there without reading anything or comprehending but im incomprehensible so.. would never think what ever could one be treated like since it's existence be born into this THING, that i am.
     
    #60 gamerX, May 1, 2013
Page 3 of 4
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.