My mother is the only one in the family I have explicitly outed myself to. It was this summer and I was dating a woman I really liked. When my mother, whom I've been fairly close to for the last ten years or so, asked how my "love life" was going, I told her I was dating someone and that this someone was a woman. "Woman? Are you a LESBIAN??!" was her reaction. "No, I'm bi," is what I told her then, which is how I had identified to my friends for years, and what I thought I was, having had many crushes on guys back in the day. Thing is, I never told her about the crushes I had on girls, because I knew how she'd react. Trying to tell her I've had crushes on girls since I was 13 didn't seem to help the fact sink in. She was shocked. After all the years of: "Honey, boys wear that/play with those toys/have those interests, why don't you wear/play with/occupy yourself with x, y, z which I think is much more girly?", she was shocked. I find it so hard to believe that she didn't see it coming. I both hate and need to vent in this way; need to because I need to, and hate to because I feel bad about accusing her of being homophobic. She keeps asking questions as if someone or something "made" me gay. Is it because I spend so much time with my best friend, who's gay? (She doesn't really blame him either because she loves him to bits.) Is it because I love going to the town's only gay club? Is it some form of rebellion? I'm not 17, I'm in my mid-twenties! She has even asked me, "Won't you please find yourself a man... for my sake?" "Won't you please go to another club... for my sake?" I tried, for almost two decades to "find myself a man". I met a lot of really great guys, and I didn't want any of them! :dry: :bang: I feel so provoked when she asks me to settle for a guy, not just because she's asking me to do it for her sake (WTF?), but because I don't want a guy. Guys are great friends to me. I don't want to have sex with them! She has supported me through so much else, so, so, so much else. Why does this have to create distance in an otherwise great mother-daughter relationship? I know that it seems, from this post, this has stirred fighting etc. between my mother and I. This isn't actually the case. I try to speak patiently to her about it. I admit I sometimes chuckle a little at her blatant ignorance of these issues, but apart from that, these are conversations had in a friendly tone. I guess that's partly due to my being fairly grown-up and independent by now. So there you go. Thank you for letting me vent, O Great Internetz and you who populate it. Peace.
Seems to me she's affraid you will not give her a grandson. I may be wrong of course, she may be dealing with it. But the fact she thinks you need to do it for her, means she had 'hopes' on you, and that is almost always to have grandchildren. Anyway, you're welcome!!! Come and vent whenever you need it(*hug*)
Hey, thank you for the support. I realize it's a long and naggy post hehe. You may be right about the whole grandchildren thing. I've tried to explain to her that if the right partner comes along, I do want to have children (may even go ahead despite that if finances allow it at some point), and since I live only a short and cheap flight away from a legal sperm bank--it's really no problemo.
Woman, you're describing the story of my life. Been there, sister... Been there. (Or should I say "I'm there"?) I came out to my father in March/April of this year. He was overall cool about it... he just avoided to say the "G" word and the "L" word around me. lol Everytime he wanted to say something on the regard, he'd be like "the issue... this thing with the gays"... I was thinking to myself all the time: "Dude, just say it. 'My daughter is a lesbian'. It's not a big deal". But he's not the problem. Right after I came out to my father, he and my mother went to some exhibition and he told her (he mentioned to me that he was going to tell her and given that it took me three months to summon up the courage to tell him, I was like "Hell, go ahead. You tell her"). My mother couldn't even look at my face when she returned from the exhibition. I didn't feel offended or wasn't upset, sad, angry or hurt about it... It was more like a *sigh* feeling. Sort of like: "Woman, get a grip. I just like girls. I haven't killed anyone". I guess the best way to describe it is "expected frustration", because I KNEW she'd be this way. For me it was totally like that too. I'm a tomboy... When I was little, she always pushed me to wear dresses, I hated that (I like dresses now, though). She got me ballet lessons (that I HATED, BTW), when I really wanted to study Karate. Just like with you, it was a "let's make her do more girly stuff". My older sister was also reluclant to accept that I'm gayer than a rainbow. In my opinion, it's been soooooo obvious from day one. 80% of the estereotypes apply to me. No make-up (maybe lipstick), vegetarian, loves animals, love the environment, love contact sports (Karate <3), opinionated, sportsbras (lol), the way I walk (I guess I have a little swager) and how I seat, tomboy and the list goes on and on and on... I would have expected at least one "yeah, I know" in my family. I came out fairly recently. The thing is it wasn't until maybe a year ago that I had my first big lesbian crush. I did realize that I "noticed" girls, but I never thought much of it. I'm a late bloomer... And so my mother was like: "Just because you haven't have a man for a long time, doesn't mean your a lesbian"; I was thinking: "Yeah, it does. I can't be in a long term relationship with a guy because I don't feel sexually attracted to (most) men", but I didn't tell her that. She would have gotten a heart attack. Of course, the "how do you know you're a lesbian?" question... Well, because I like girls!!! lol I mentioned my mother that while I was an exchange student there were a lot of LGB there (sorry, not Qs and Is as far as I know), many of them became very good and some even close friends. And she was: "do you think been in Japan made you a lesbian??", I was like: "No, mom. I've been gay all my life. I just noticed it fairly recently". Also, because my father told her and not me, they apparently spent time in the car arguing how did this happen. I knew I had to tell them BEFORE being in a lesbic relationship, because they (by "they" I mean "she") would have thought someone evil corrupted my pure mind. So, when she finally was able to talk to me about this, she started naming a bunch of names (all names of women she knew I know, my former maid included... *sigh*) and ask me if they had "something" to do with it. I was like: "No, as a matter of fact I haven't date a woman yet". OMG!! Last time that I was going to hang out with a female friend, she was like: "do you have a boyfriend??". I was like: "No, I'm just meeting Me (the nickname of my high school friend). And if 'it' were that way, it wouldn't be a boy. It'd be a girl". Urgh!!! :bang: I know how you feel... It's frustrating!!! I feel it sort of denies my identity. I wanted to send a massive e-mail to my relatives telling them that surprise, surprise: I'm a big time lesbo. She made such a big deal about it, partly because she thinks people will question her abilities as a mother. Of course, every five minutes she says that she doesn't care what other people think... Yeah, right. I decided against the massive e-mail coming out. Nonetheless I already started making some obvious comments to my cousins ("Penélope Cruz very hot in PofC" and the sort); but they're very blunt... I'm not sure they got it. Men. *shrugs* Also, yesterday I was with my mom getting my hair done and the guy doing it was like "Ooh... Like this you'll get a boyfriend in no time". If pertinent, I usually correct people. I soooooooo wanted to say to him: "you mean: 'girlfriend'", but I didn't because my mother was there. She knows I'm a lesbian, but she is NOT out as a LGBT mother. She wants me to keep it a secret (so no gay bars, no telling my friends, no Pride, no rainbow bracelet and of course, no women) and I really wasn't in the mood for "don't tell people" conversation with her. URGH!!!! :bang: And, yes. I do believe my mother is a bit homophobic. She is trying... but still, she's homophobic. I too feel somewhat unconfortable about venting about my mother... But, hell. From time to time I need to. Venting is precious to me... It keeps me sane. lol It's annoying... Straight people's resistance to accept the fact that we exist... Geezus!! WE ARE HERE, DAMMIT!!
Hehehe I'm going to put my 2 cents here I can tell you this, since I had many female friends and lots of female family. As I seen before, straight girls also make comments of that sort. It's socialy acceptable. And unless all the girls I met have been lesbians, I think this is just a common girls talk. If you want to make it obvious to your cousins, you can say something like "Wuak, take out that boy and put back the girl!", using the names of the actors and actresses of course. A little off topic, but I wanted to say it (*hug*)
Well, yeah... It's common for girls to say "she's really pretty/beautiful/attractive"... Now "hot and sexy" or "smocking hot"... well, if I hear that from a girl, I'd definitely suspect that she's at least bi-ish. lol Sort of like the difference between: "X es guapa/bonita" and "Esa man está buena" (I'm assuming you know Spanish given your signature and country). Jokingly, one of my friends told me to say (in order to be very obvious about it): "Damned! That b!tch has a nice p***y"... Made me laugh, but gosh! I can not say that... That's just too much. lol But, yeah... Gradually I'll make it clearer for them. XD
