I Never Thought I'd Do It... But I'm Out

I've known that I am gay since I was 7. I'm 35 now. But I was raised in a very Mennonite home, and Mennonites believe that homosexuality is really bad. Over the years I would tell friends and family from time to time that I was bisexual or "struggling with homosexuality" but until 2 months ago I hadn't even been willing to admit it to myself that I am gay.

Then one day it happened. I was driving by myself in town and saw this really hot guy. I suddenly said outloud, "Damn I love being gay!" And it shocked me. I thought No I don't. And I began to argue with myself. And I came to a conclusion. I've been gay all my life inspite of the fact that I fought against it. And I asked myself, "How can I not want what I want?" I was a walking contradiction. So I decided then and there, "I'm gay. So live with it." And I started to say it out lout over and over again until I was shouting as I drove, "I'M GAY! I'M GAY!" and I whooped and cheered, and tears began to fill my eyes. Finally, for the first time in my life I was comfortable with who I am. I love being gay.

Now came the really hard part. If I was done pretending to be someone I am not, then I was also done advertising the lie. So the first thing I did when I got home that day was tell me wife (who knew about my "struggle") that I wanted to come out of the closet. I eventually tried to explain that I intended to stay married to her and faithful to her but I wanted to stop hiding. It was like keeping to world's biggest secret and I needed to tell it. Well it took a few days but she evenually decided that she couldn't live with being married to an openly gay man. So we've decided to divorce.

That has been hard. I love her deeply and we have 4 kids together. Life sure got complicated and truthfully, it still is. But I have high hopes for the future.

I started to tell all of my friends and family. Sadly I had to tell them, not just that I am gay, but that my wife and I are divorcing because I am gay. It has put a huge damper on the conversations. Surprisingly though, I have been met with a lot of love and support. My Dad and an Uncle and Aunt took the news really hard. They haven't disowned me but they said some really nasty things. Calling me vile names, and assuring me that my place in hell was secure and that God wanted nothing to do with me. I know that for the most part, they don't mean the harsh things that they say. They are scared for me, and confused and saddened by everything. I know that they will eventually come around.

So where am I now? I live with my brother and his roommate an a town 25 miles from my kids. I haven't been allowed to see them since I moved out. My wife says she wants a month's repreve to morn. So in two weeks I get to visit. Man! I miss them all terribly. But as I said, I do have hope.

So there it is. I'm out! Things went about as well as I had expected, though not everyone has been given the oportunity to react to me in person. I know that there is a cornucopia of ractions yet to come. But I have never felt more at peace with who I am.

 

For now our kids are really young. The oldest is 6. We've explained that Mama and Papa had a large disagreement and that Papa needs to live somewhere else now. The 6 year old cried over it immediately. The rest don't get it. We've decided to wait until they bring up the topic of homosexuality before we discuss it with them.

 

Truthfully it has not been an easy journey. I'm really only in the 3rd week of the journey.

One of my fellow theatre actors came up to me today after rehearsal and asked what has been going on with my family. He said he had heard rumours and just wanted clarification. So I told him... It was the most awkward moment of my coming out. He said, "I'm sorry to hear that." Then after a long silence he said, "Well I don't know what to say, so..... I'm going to go." Yikes. I'm glad they haven't all been like that.

 

I hadn't thought of that. He is kinda a social-lite. It was actual quite courageous of him to start the conversation in the first place knowing where it was likely to go. Thanks!

 

I had coffee today with the very first person that I ever told about my "secret identity". He was supportive back then and he was supportive today. He said he didn't understand but that he would be here for me. I truly have been blessed by many good friends.

 

Update.

I have found someone that I connect with. He is going through the exact same things that I was four weeks ago. He's about to come out, and I am going to walk the lonely journey with him. I am so excited to be there for him in a way that no one else was there for me.

Sid

---------- Post added 1st Oct 2012 at 09:11 PM ----------

I had coffee with someone today that refused to believe that I am gay. They said that it was impossible for me to be gay because they knew that I am a Christian.

Why is it so hard for people to believe that a person can be both? That sin is a choice and being gay isn't something I chose. I am who I am. I am blonde. I have blue eyes. I am the child of my parents. I am gay. I did not choose any of these things and I cannot change them. I can hide them but not change them.

Sid

 

In my opinion, don't come out unless you know who you are. It is not an easy path to tread and if you don't have confidence in yourself, people may tread all over you.