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Dealing with unhealthy relationship

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by toremi, Sep 17, 2012.

  1. toremi

    toremi Guest

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    Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the below mentioned situation?

    I met this guy online in April -- we chatted a bit then nothing came of it. Fast forward to the end of July and we start chatting again. We hang out, do some dateish stuff and all seems to be going well and then one day while discussing our current situation it came about he had no intentions of actually dating me -- more or less just friends with benefits.

    Fine. I mean I liked the guy but then again he makes a good friend too and I don't wanna lose that so we agree to be friends... Well things continued to happen even though we both agreed they shouldn't. It sucked cause I started to develop more feelings. So once again we discussed and agreed to call it quits on that shit and even take a break from one another.

    This lasted a short period of time and then flip flopped back again. Problem is when we hang out together we end up sharing a be which leads to cuddling, which leads to kissing, so on.

    Honestly this sucks for me because most of the time I can be objective and see our relationship for what it is and be happy with it... And then other times I get wrapped up in the feelings bull crap and get lost..

    Any recommendations? I have a feeling I know what I should do and that is take a break all together until I have no feelings left and then when we do hang again make sure to follow the just friends guidelines -- no bed sharing etc. I just feel bad because it's not his fault he wa honest with me but I know he really values me as a friend too so I feel bad about just ditching him case I can't get over my weird-annoying feelings
     
  2. aj32

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    I'm going through the same thing. She is my best friend and says she wants a straight relationship but we can't even go a day without seeing each other. We will go months as just friends and then end up making out all night. I know distance would be best but she wants me around everyday and I want to be there. I wish I knew what to tell you!
     
  3. o0351i

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    Being a guy that has been in the opposite of your shoes, I'd say stick to the friendship aspect if you can, otherwise you need to get some space before you start to resent him and ruin any chance at a normal friendship. I've ruined many a good friendships with girls i've put in the same spot. I honestly loved that lifestyle and wanted nothing more. Some people are fine with that but I think the longer you try and hold out hope the more likely you are to do long term damage to yourself
     
  4. Lexington

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    If I'm reading this correctly...

    He's cool with being friends or fuck-buddies.
    You're cool with being friends or boyfriends.
    The one place you overlap is being just friends.

    So set the boundaries there. In general, friends don't lie down in bed together a lot. So say you're no longer going to lie down with him. You'll hang out, and when the time together comes to an end, you'll say goodbye and go home. Do not delude yourself into thinking "Well, we're good friends, so we can just lie down together." You know where that leads. So from here on out, that's not going to happen.

    And if you need to take some time away to get your head back into that spot, do so. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. toremi

    toremi Guest

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    Thanks for the quick responses! Greatly appreciated.

    Y'all confirmed what I already knew and have been putting off doing. Funny thing is I use to judge those were in my position. I never understood, the whole "he told you he is not interested so regardless of whether you have sex or cuddle or even spend a great du together -- thats not gonna change, he's just not that into you" haha. And then behold I am the one trying to rationalize his actions which are clearly those of a horny 21 yr old who wants sex and affection and to feel wanted regardless of whether or not he likes the person or not. We all want to be wanted right.

    What's even worse is I have great guy, who is mature and handsome and lookin for the same things as me... And this great guy likes me a lot. And litteally goes out of his way to try and spend more time with me yet I'm not interested cause I'm so hung up on this guy.

    I just don't get it. It's like I only want what I can't have. It annoys me to no end
     
  6. Lexington

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    You can't rate people with a scorecard. "Body 12 pts, sense of humor 6 pts, etc etc, you score 85 - I guess we can date." It does end up being a matter of simple chemistry. On paper somebody can be exactly what we've always said we wanted...and you simply don't feel any sparks with him. And then there's that guy who shouldn't even warrant a second glance...and you're mooning after him. :slight_smile:

    You might try spending some time with the other guy. Maybe some sparks will develop there, too. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  7. toremi

    toremi Guest

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    Okay so it's been months since I was here and more or less I just need support.

    I fell in love with a boy who cannot love me back.

    More importantly he was my first male love, so I am pretty devastated.

    After I was last here I did what I believed was right and took a break, problem is like every other time we ended up back together and back in each others arms and beds. He lived with me for the best part of November and then we spent Christmas together etc. we were suppose to be just friends but I kept telling myself I was okay with it when I really wasn't, I was lying to myself I suppose.

    Last Friday was the breaking point when I saw him at the bar smiling with the guy he would eventually take home with him that night. We have become so dependant on each other, him as my first love and me apparently as his best friend. We said "see you laters" yesterday after having a few days apart, we realize we will see each other in the future so we want it to be civil. The phone call ended in us both crying to the point we had to hang up. He still wants me in his life as his best friend and as much as I would love to do that I don't know how to un-love him.

    I have been crying and crying and to be truthful I just don't want it to get better. He became my best friend and real love -- I don't know how to just let go.

    All I keep trying to remind myself is I can't make him love me and its not his fault he doesn't.

    This was more of a vent but if anyone has anything to say, words of advice or other let me know . Thanks for the ears, or I guess the eyes.
     
  8. That's rough, and I'm sorry you got hurt (*hug*)

    The best thing for me in this situation was time and distance. Sounds like saying see you later to this guy was for the best for now even if it's hard.

    (*hug*)