Not pretty enough to be a lesbian.

I wouldn't say it's unusual for anyone to feel that way. The thing is, when we compare ourselves in terms of a relationship, we want to be the best we can be in order to find someone who we find attractive. The thing is, we equate these attractive people as high up on the scale (8/10, 9/10, etc.) and by comparison we often find ourselves much less attractive, no matter how attractive we actually are.

There's actually lots of studies that look at attractiveness in potential partners and things. In general, we deem people we find attractive as "out of our league", which is why you might feel like you aren't pretty enough.

I don't think there's a whole lot you can do to overcome that (it's called the "what is beautiful is good" heuristic, if you care to look it up), since to an extent it's a rather natural phenomenon.

I think something that does help though is to actively remind yourself that if you're doing anything beyond friendship with this person, they're must be interested in you on some level, otherwise it wouldn't be worth their time to pursue it. And really, anyone's opinion on you and your partner (besides your partner's opinion) shouldn't matter much in the end.

 

Sometimes I experience this same feeling, but I actually overcome it by remembering a life drawing class that I took in Chicago last summer. One of my classes involved life drawing, so we would have models in the class pose for us--it made me realize how to look at someone and how to appreciate their looks because the models were really just ordinary people.

The first model we had was a middle aged man who had greying hair, a nicely shaved beard and a mustache. We all loved him because he looked happy to be there and would have conversations with us when he wasn't posing. The second model could be described the same way, but we didn't like him nearly as much, always rolling his eyes, sighing, and looking like he'd rather be anywhere else. I realized that I thought the first model was infinitely more attractive (yes, I'm a lesbian) than the second because of his attitude.

The girls in my class, too, I thought they were attractive but I didn't worry too much about how I looked because everyone just felt equal. No one had met before the class, and somehow we formed a class-wide friendship where everyone felt ordinary but the same, so it was refreshing.

 

Let me ask you this, how would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10?

How you feel about yourself determines how confident you will be once you're out and start approaching women. However, dating websites are a good way to start if you're a little shy. I usually have a preference--I can't want something that I'm not; therefore, I want someone who resembles me. Although, it's not a requirement, and just so you know, looks aren't everything. Personality matters more in my opinion

 

I dealt with this for a long time and still do, but I am lucky enough to have a girlfriend who has made me feel a lot better about it. I am curvier, (i was the OP in the anonymous thread about being a curvy lesbian) and i still feel that the stereotypical or even desired body type for a lesbian is often the athletic type or rail thin type, but my girlfriend asserts that she finds me very attractive, and has since before we even started dating, and she is very skinny and attractive (I'm quite the lucky gal). She has even said that she has liked very heavy girls and that she is looking for a person who is good on the inside and not just the outside. Just remember that when someone falls in love with you they will find you beautiful, which I am sure you will anyway. There are lots of girls who like curvy women, just look at some of the posts in this thread, it shows that you don't have to be a stereotypically pretty girl, that all girls are attractive to the right person.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/66179-being-curvy-lesbian.html

 

I definitely experienced this. For me, it was part of the internalized homophobia I had to overcome - I was well aware that society is more accepting of just about anything if there are attractive people involved. Think of the stereotypes: when lesbians are depicted in the media in a negative light, they are usually made fun of for being ugly or having qualities that are considered too manly. Whereas "pretty", femme lesbians (as if butch women can't be pretty... hello?!) are socially acceptable because they still have the capacity to appeal to men sexually. Gross, but that's how things are presented.

The result of this media brainwashing, for me, was that I felt more confident about the idea of being in a same-sex relationship on the days where I dressed more femme and felt pretty. On the days where I felt less happy about my appearance, I didn't even want to think about dating other women.

I can't say that I have completely overcome this insecurity, but for me it simply took time to become more comfortable overall with the idea of myself as a queer woman. So I don't know if I can say that there's a particular way to overcome these feelings - just that it will likely become less of an issue over time.

 

Yeah, very much so. I literally can't imagine myself being attractive to girls. I'm a chubby baby-faced dork, and most lesbians and bi girls I know seem to like athletic girls or more alternative girls.