Second Time -- More Serious

I was going to ask if you took any medications, but since you won't even take Tylenol for a headache; that rules medications out as being a potential issue.

Okay. A couple of things.

My general view is that we're all responsible for our own orgasms. My feeling is that someone shouldn't take responsibility for someone being unable to achieve an orgasm during sex. It's also not someone elses job to get them off. Sex happens when its enjoyable for everyone involved, and ends when it is no longer enjoyable.

That's my mindset.

Have you always had this problem, or is this something that developed in recent months or years? What is your masturbation history, and do you actively masturbate? If you masturbate regularly, how often do you do it, and how do you go about doing it? Do you reach an orgasm? Are you capable of getting a full erection during masturbation?

Masturbation is the foundation of all sexual activity. This is why I ask these questions. I believe any road you have toward healing your issue is going to be down the path of masturbation.

Many people have strange masturbating habits which can sometimes lead to issues like this, and if you don't masturbate at all it likely doesn't help your situation.

Have you spoken to your doctor about the issue, and have you had any tests or examinations performed by him?

 

Alright, I'm roughly certain I know what your problem is and a way to deal with it. The hypersensitivity issue is most common in men who've been recently circumcised and have never had direct stimulation of the glans (the head of the penis). This type of hypersensitivity is also common in women who've never directly stimulated their clitoris. You should make sure you visit a doctor as soon as possible to rule out any other medical causes, but generally speaking the cause seems to be a lack of stimulation in all the cases I've heard about. I'm basing this assumption off of how you deliberately avoid stimulating the glans when you masturbate.

I want to draw an important distinction in your mind. It is the difference between pain and intensity. The two are often confused, but they are not the same thing. When you're in pain you've been injured. When you experience intensity it is not pleasurable, but you are not injured.

As an example, take a really nice long hot shower. Enjoy yourself. When you are done step out, and turn off the hot water. Make sure only the cold water is running, and once the water is as cold as it can get step back into the shower. Your response will likely be, "YAAAHHHH! That's cold!" That's intensity. You want to jump out and run away, but you aren't hurt or injured. It's a sudden and extreme sensation.

Imagine going to a public pool. You show up and you see people out in the water enjoying themselves. It's a nice summer day. You dip a foot into the pool. "YAAAAHH! That's cold!" We've all experienced this at one point or another in our lives. How do we get over that? The only solution is just to jump in. At first, you tense up, but after a few minutes your body begins to adjust to the water and you find yourself capable of enjoying it just like everyone else.

Basically, in a nutshell, you're going to have to do the same thing here. This is why masturbation is important - because if you can't get yourself off, no one else can either. You're going to have to learn to touch yourself, to stimulate yourself, and while at first it probably isn't going to feel all that great - like the pool example above - if your able to fight through the discomfort - it should eventually become pleasurable.

Here are some recommendations that may help you out. Since you're experiencing erectile issues, let's start there.

My guess is that your erectile issues are linked to the hypersensitivity of your glans. Generally speaking, the more aroused you get the more sensitive the head of your penis becomes. This is especially true as you approach an orgasm. There is also likely some anxiety and stress issues involved as well linked to the fear of the sensitivity. My hope is that as you grow more accustomed to direct stimulation the sense of intensity that you experience will fade, and your erectile issues will resolve itself as well. However, if they don't the below will still work.

To help get firmer erections I suggest getting a penis pump. I always recommended this to guys who've had their prostate removed due to cancer. The legitimate use for the penis pump is to help treat erectile dysfunction issues. Look for something of at least decent quality, and don't purchase something too cheap. When it comes to stuff like this you normally get what you pay for; also, due to the sensitivity of your glans, get one that you pump by hand. That will give you more control.

The pump works by pulling blood into the penis through creating a vacuum. You want to make sure your penis is fairly firm (not floppy or half-erect), but it doesn't have to be rock solid.

Finally, to maintain your erection I recommend getting some cockrings. You can create your own by using something to tie things off, but I don't recommend doing that. However, if you go this route keep a pair of scissors handy just in case.

The cockring works by trapping the blood in the penis. When you use the pump and the cockring together, it's a good way to get and maintain a firm erection.

I'll touch on these again in a moment, but for now I want you to take a moment and think back to your childhood. When most of us learned to masturbate we lived at home, and so there was always a chance of getting caught. We learned to masturbate quickly, silently, to get off and get it over with before we were caught. It's the partner sex equivalent of having a quickie. There is no foreplay, it's just wham bam thank you ma'am, then it's all over. This isn't what we're going for here at all; we're going for a full out session of self-love.

All the things you learned from childhood masturbation? They're horrible. This is not how you should masturbate, and a lot of people take these lessons right into sex as well.

First of all, you want to set the mood. Getting into the mood is very important. A lot of guys can get into the mood by playing with themselves, but this has more to do with physical arousal than mental arousal. Since your so sensitive this is an issue for you.

Some things I do if I know I'm going to have a long masturbation session is to take a nice hot shower. It relaxes me and makes me feel great. Something I use frequently is music that matches my mood, or a particular fantasy I'm interested in having. If I'm using something visual something I enjoy is watching a guy do a nice slow strip tease.

A lot of porn you're going to find is going to go right to the fucking. This isn't what you need to get started. You need time to arouse yourself, to get your mind in the mood. It's like foreplay with yourself; you need to warm up before the main event.

Second, before you get started you're going to want to put on the cockring. You don't want to be erect when you do this; you put it on before that happens. I suggest you getting an adjustable cockring with either velcro or snaps. They aren't my personal preference, but for you this is probably the most ideal. The reason being if you have to remove the ring, you won't have to pull it over the head of your penis.

When putting on a cockring it should go behind the scrotum and around the base of the penis. You don't want it too tight, because remember as you get erect the shaft is going to thicken. So you want the ring to be tight but not too tight. Snug is perhaps the right word to use; the purpose of the ring is to keep the blood in your penis to keep your erection firm.

Third, being completely naked is going to help a lot. Let your hands roam freely over yourself, don't really think about anything, just relax and do what comes naturally avoiding direct stimulation of your genitals. There are many areas of your body that are sensitive and erogenous that you can stimulate.

One thing I like to do sometimes is to incorporate some toys. I love the feeling of a vibrator against my skin; running it along my neck, between my thighs, backside of my hands, up and down the underside of my forearm (palm side up), on a very low setting across my lips, and across my nipples. I love a vibrator on my nipples it has a direct link to downstairs. :lol:

The point isn't to do what I do, though, it's to explore your body and experiment. Find out what feels good to you. Where do you like to be touched? What feels good? What is sensitive? What types of touch are most sensitive and turn you on?

Just relax and let your hands wander over your body without thinking about it too much. You might feel awkward at first, especially if you've never allowed yourself to do it, but this is an issue with inhibition and something you should tackle. You should feel comfortable exploring your body.

Fourth, breathing is extremely important. When we learn to masturbate as children we often learn by holding our breath. We're struggling to be silent so no one hears us. You need to breathe and make some sound. Holding your breath and not making a peep is not natural.

Start by breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Take some deep breaths. Breathing is going to help relax both your mind and body. As you explore your body you might be tempted to make some type of sound, especially if you start doing something that feels good. Make the sound, don't think about it, just give yourself permission to make it. Sighing, moaning, grunting, gasping, all of these things are normal.

Fifth, once you've been aroused mentally and hopefully have a sufficient erection, it should be time to get started. Ideally, you're going to be turned on and ready to go. If you think you're going to need to use the pump think about how you can make the use of it erotic ahead of time. An example that I'd use for me is putting on a condom. It's not really a sexy thing to do, and it's very easy to kill the mood and if that happens your erection is going to start to go down.

I thought of a bunch of different ways putting on a condom could be sexy, and that helped make it erotic in my mind. Putting on a condom (or seeing someone else wearing a condom) is hot and sexy. This keeps me from losing the mood. The same thing is true for the pump.

If you think you're going to need it, think about how using it might turn you on. I would say imagine the suction being similar to oral sex, but you've had a bad experience in that area. So, for me, my second choice is probably to use it on one of my nipples first. Like I said, for me, my nipples are a direct link to downstairs, so once I start feeling a bit of suction there the idea of putting it on my penis would be a bit of a turn on. Rather than, say, just picking it up and sticking it on there. Watching videos of other guys using a pump, and fantasizing about how I had “borrowed” their pump to use on myself might also do the trick. The key is to figure out something that works for you.

Sixth, as you start to get erect the head of your penis is likely to become more sensitive. This is normal. Higher arousal normally means more sensitivity. You don't have to touch anything at this point. If it starts to be intense enough where you're really starting to notice, this is where you're going to face your first challenge.

I want to remind you again that there is a difference between pain and intensity. Remember the pool analogy. How do you get over the fact that the water is cold? You jump in. This is where you're about to jump in.

The key to getting over this hump is to breathe. It's okay to tense up when you start to feel it, but try and remain relaxed if possible. Making noise is also something very important. This seems to help a lot of people. If it's shouting, yelling, groaning, grunting, saying something, screaming profanity. Whatever works. Whatever you feel like. Just let it out.

Also, don't constrain the movements of your body. If your legs want to jerk around let them. If your arms want to flail around let them. If your hips want to thrust, let them. If you feel the urge to shake your head back and forth – do it.

What you're trying to do is power through these first few moments of discomfort. What do we do when we jump in the cold pool? Likely, we yell out and we dance around like a crazy fool. Doing all of that helps release our stress and tension.

This is why it is important for you to breathe, to make sound, and to move your body. Remember you're not experiencing pain you're experiencing intensity. Like with the pool analogy your body should begin to adjust to the sensations it is experiencing. The intensity should start to slowly give way as your body begins to adjust.

Seventh, you may have lost a bit of your erection previously having to power through the above. (You may have even lost a bit of it after you removed the pump if you had to use it.)

This is fine. What you can do is lube up your index fingertip with some nice slick lube. Since you're used to stimulation between the head of your penis and your circumcision scar, take your finger and start to massage and gently rub the area. Look for places that feel good to your touch. For me, this area is very sensitive to light touch, but not firm touch. Since you know this area is sensitive for you and that you can achieve an orgasm by playing around here go ahead and stimulate it. Don't masturbate – play with it. Explore it.

Once the area is nicely lubed up, you might make an “Okay” sign with your index finger and thumb, then wrap them around the area. Move them back and forth in a gentle gliding motion to see how that feels.

The goal here is to maintain or regain your arousal, to put yourself back into or keep yourself in the mood. It's not to get off and have an orgasm (yet).

Eighth, what we talked about in my sixth point (breathing, sound, movement) is what we need to use for everything moving forward. It's all well and good to have a good strong erection, but if you can't use it properly it isn't much use to you. So now it's time to focus on the source of the problem – the hypersensitivity of the head of your penis.

There are various things you can do to help yourself adjust, but I don't recommend using any desensitization agents or creams. Instead, if you need to create some type of barrier. A condom likely isn't going to work very well because you're going to have to roll it over your glans, which are likely to sensitive to be touched like that.

Instead, consider using something like medical latex gloves. All you need is for it to cover the head and nothing else. If that isn't possible consider freezer or sandwich bags.

However, before going to barriers, try direct stimulation. Just like previously lube up your index finger and gently touch your glans. See how you can deal with the sensations using your breathing, sound, and movement. Is it TOO sensitive? If so add the barrier and try again.

You're going to want to make sure you have lube inside the barrier or sufficient lube on your penis to reduce friction. More friction will increase the intensity.

Go slow. Take your time. Explore. Allow your body to adjust to the sensations it is feeling.

If you added barriers, as your body adjusts to the sensation start removing them until you're stimulating the glans of your penis directly. Then when you feel ready start to include additional fingertips. Maybe you start with your index and middle fingertips. Then you include your thumb.

Once you have your thumb engaged, try some different types of movements. For example, using your index and middle fingers along with your thumb, envision twisting a cap off a bottle. Try that circular motion back and forth. You can also try to move the fingertips up and down the glans in a tiny stroking motion.

Try any number of things. Don't forget different degrees of pressure. Maybe you start out with a light touch and then once you get used to the sensations you start to apply a harder pressure.

Ninth, eventually you're going to get to a point where you're going to want to finish and have your orgasm. You might still have trouble masturbating normally, so try using the “Okay” sign I mentioned above except rubbing it over the head of your penis as well. Once you adjust to that you might be able to adjust to a loose fist, etc.

Tenth (and finally), as you approach your orgasm remember to breathe, make sound, and move. A lot of people, because they learned to masturbate silently by holding their breath, do the same thing as they approach an orgasm. Don't do this. Be natural, go with the flow, and don't try to suppress anything. You're not enjoying your orgasm if you're trying to suppress it by being silent.

After you have your orgasm the head of your penis is likely to be even more sensitive than you remember it. This is normal. You overcome this hypersensitivity in the same way.

As time passes and you keep stimulating the head of your penis, your brain is going to become use to the sensations and everything will adjust. Eventually, hopefully, you'll start to have a more normal reaction when stimulating yourself, and once you can do that successfully you'll be able to explain to other people in partner sex what feels good and what doesn't. (This is why exploring your own body is important!)

From that point forward the sky is the limit. Try new things, different techniques, incorporate some toys. Find out what works for you and learn to enjoy your body. The more your able to enjoy your body, the easier time you'll have sharing it with someone else.

I hope this is the issue, and that it works for you. I still recommend you see a doctor and get a good evaluation. If your issue isn't hypersensitivity it could be something else entirely. However, I'm roughly 80% sure that this is your issue, as this level of hypersensitivity is sometimes common in men who've recently been circumcised, and in the clitoris of women who've never really touched or played with themselves. The common link to both is lack of direct stimulation, which is something you've been avoiding for a long time. It's time to get re-acquainted with the head of your cock.

I hope it helps, and I hope it made sense. I started writing yesterday, then had to leave, came back, started writing some more, went to bed, woke up, wrote some more, got busy, and then when I had a free moment I finished it up. So there is a lot of choppiness in there, I apologize for that! Hopefully some of this is helpful, at the very least.

 

What you're describing is a combination of several problems.

It's not unusual for guys to have trouble coming from blowjobs- it's an issue that both gay men and straight men frequently have. The common complaint is that while the blowjob and the sucking feels good, it doesn't exactly match the sensation of "sex" to the point that guys can let go and ejaculate.

Add this with another common problem- masturbation to porn and it compounds the problem- sex with another person is different than wanking alone to a video, porn adds a visual stimulation element that is hard to duplicate with an average looking person and - let's face it- you can hit all your own special places much better than another guy can.

And generally, what happens next is that frequent inability to stay hard and come makes you anxious that it will happen again.

• The first step is for you to see your doctor for a physical to eliminate any medical problems that might account for your erection problems. You can discuss options with your doctor such as erectile dysfunction medications. Sometimes even when the issue is primarily psychological, a temporary "boost" with ED drugs may help you regain the confidence and get past the idea that you're going to go soft during sex.
• Once the possible medical causes have been eliminated, you will need to work through the psychological issues. This means having more variety to your porn and masturbation habits. This means talking up front with sex partners about your fear of not being able to come and your fears about losing your erections. This means finding a patient regular sex partner willing to help you work through your issue- someone who won't get offended if they can't make you come and who will be okay with you finishing the job yourself.

 

I responded to your PM; hopefully that information was helpful as well.

Don't beat yourself up. It's important to start to try and change your attitude; to not allow yourself to get discouraged. Just to attack the myth of normal for a moment, there is no such thing as normal. Normal is a range. While it's somewhat uncommon to find guys with hypersensitive glans in your situation (like I said previously - most guys I hear with this issue have recently been circumcised), there are actually guys out there who complain about not having enough sensation. They complain that they can't feel anything at all. You're on the opposite end of that spectrum, and in my opinion it's better to be on your end than theirs.

Like I said in the post above and in the PM; I believe your ED issues are most likely related to the hypersensitivity of the glans of your penis. You're likely experiencing anxiety and stress because you're trying to avoid contact with the head of your penis, and you're worried about the sensitivity. It's like the reaction we have right before we jump into a cold swimming pool. We know it's going to be cold, so in our head we're going, "Oh shit. Oh shit. It's going to be cold. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it..." And then we just have to run and jump in anyway. When we land in the pool we yell out, we dance around, and then we start to adjust to the water.

The cockring is going to help keep you erect. I also encouraged you to take it slow, to seek for ways to create mental arousal; this way you're going to WANT to masturbate. Not only will it help you gain and sustain an erection, it's going to help you be motivated to stimulate yourself.

You're definitely not the only guy with this issue. So, I hope you keep us updated on how things progress and work out.