Religious Conditioning to hate

i wouldn't be too concerned. sounds like he needs time to really take it all in. he's probably worried his friends might start to pick on him for having a gay father (which depending on his friends, might make no sense to them, or your wife for that matter). but whatever he wants to do, he needs to freely choose and do it when he's ready to on his own initiative, not before or have it made for him. this way he learns to begin to learn, act & think for himself. he's got to live his own life, not have it made for him. having decisions made for you isn't that great a feeling. i'd say, show him love & support even if he doesn't entirely have his mind made up yet. you could offer him ideas or legitimately detailed explained beneficial reasons why he could inform his coach of him dropping football in one of several ways.

 

I feel that how your son is acting is understandable. Finding out your old man is gay is no simple news. I imagine it would be mind-blowing.

At that age, teenage boys are conditioned to think that being gay is "bad". He's probably heard the way "faggot" is used as a slur in school and has negative connotations with anything homosexual. Who knows? Perhaps he has even used that slur before, which is common among teenagers?

If I found out my father was gay, I think my world would spin. So many questions... Was my parents' relationship a sham all these years? I would start questioning the basic core of this family.. In someways, I may start to view him differently even though I don't want to. On top of that, I would not have an outlet-- who could I possibly tell or talk to about this? I can't tell my high school friends about this. What if they think differently of me? etc etc

I would suggest to your wife to keep all of this to herself and not go the way of your mother in telling everyone -- atleast for the sake of your children. If word gets out in the community, chances are your sons may experience taunting from their peers.

Unlike a lot of people on this board, I do not feel that coming out is always a good idea or a necessity... but in your situation, I feel that you did the right thing in coming out. I say this b/c you have a wife and family that deserve to know the truth and deserve their own happiness. You probably should not have kept this from your wife for so many years because it may deny her of finding true love with another person that actually reciprocates her desires. She can start now, but all those years are lost (she no longer has youth on her side) and time is precious.

If you married for the sake of having kids... adopting might have been the more honest thing to do. (Although in hindsight you might think this is a bad idea b/c you have 3 great sons)

Right now, you are basically facing the consequences for your actions (choosing to marry a woman and have children), and I am sure it is no easy task. But you are doing the right thing. Though a little late, I think it's reassuring to know that you are trying to set things right by finally telling the truth-- better late than never. Right now, things seem so bad-- it can only get better from here, right?

I would definitely continue to reach out and communicate with your son. He's probably going through a hard time.

 

My dad had me seeing a counselor like that after he found out about me (not under the circumstances i would have preferred) and i hated her so much so i refuse to see her now and theyre looking to try and set me up with someone less... jesus-freak.

 

When I told my son, he was already a father with 2 children. I wrote him a letter and explained my decision to be honest - I found it so much more simple to formulate it in writing than try to say it 'off the cuff'. He wrote back - it was clear he sort of already knew, that he personally didn't have a problem (I was still his Dad) but he didn't want his children "confused". However, within 2 days, he had invited my partner and I to the cinema with all his family. The warmth and love he showed was just what I needed after exposing myself to the risk of rejection.

Your sons have a lot ot new information to process and they will be lost in thought - perhpas they might find it easier to write to you, but I'd let them go at their own speed - you can't force them to deal with it, even if it does make you feel better that you're getting a reaction.

If you have been a good and kind father, I think it is highly unlikely that they will turn away from you. Time is the key. Patience is the lock.

 

Aww hon I'm sorry! Your wife is acting like a total bigoted jerk, but she's probably retaliating in the only way that she knows how to -- justifying her hate with religious bullshit. Sending hugs and love your way, bro. <3

 

I am so sorry and truly have no idea how you feel. I will say and I know this is not easy to say, is to be strong my friend. Be strong and find the will to keep going. With luck, kharma will come through for you and life will right itself as long as you stay positive.

*big hug* If ya need a friend to talk to, I am always here!

 

I'd say, continue to strengthen the bonds between you and your kids. Create an 'open marriage' type situation with your wife, where you are each friendly and supportive of one another within the home, but have romantic trists, outside the home. If you can't manage the 'open marriage' situation, then you've just got to escape to your own private living space where you'll have a peace of mind.

Get a road bike and start cycling (keeps your mind off of the BS while keeping you in good physical condition). Spend more time with a personal friend that you trust, can confide in, and can depend upon for comfort.

 

trysts not trists