So I'm kinda venting here because i haven't told anyone about this, but this is the process I went from thinking I was straight, to realizing that I'm gay. Starting from the beginning (more or less). I was raised by two very loving christian parents, and for the majority of my life, I have been a sincere christian myself. About a year and a half ago I decided to stop ignoring doubts i had and question my beliefs as honestly as I could. I came out of the experience an atheist, and that sort of marked the beginning of my transition. I guess this was also my first 'coming out' experience (maybe some kind of practice run?) since I had to explain to my parents that I no longer believed, and deal with the difficult discussions and emotions surrounding that topic. My beliefs about homosexuality during my upbringing were essentially that it was a sinful temptation like any other 'vice' or 'unnatural' desire. I couldn't have realized that I was gay, because to me there was no such thing. Everyone was really straight, some people just had sinful desires, and some of those people acted on them. Months of serious introspection after my transition to atheism led me to an understanding that sexual orientation was a natural part of who a person was, and the thoughts I had before weren't unnatural or evil. I started to honestly examine my life, and my feelings. Whether or not I could be with a man. Whether or not I could be with a woman. How I felt sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. It was difficult to filter my own biases and personal baggage to figure out who I really am. I've never dated or been in a relationship, but I've never been particularly effeminate or acted in any way that might be stereotypically considered 'gay', so as far as I can tell, the people I know either assume I'm straight, or see me as asexual. I'm also pretty introverted and quiet so I don't think anyone thinks I'm gay (though I guess I might be surprised when I come out?). It was just short of a year ago that i 'came out' to myself, or, admitted to myself that i was in fact gay. This past year I've been sort of struggling with what it will mean to come out, how my life and relationships will change, how my family and community will respond, and how far I really want to come out. I still haven't told anyone yet. I guess it's been the past three or four months that I've really decided I want to be out. I want to be honest about who I am, and I want to be able to meet someone (which won't happen if I keep on pretending I'm not gay). I have a few worries that are keeping me in the closet though. One is my current relationships with friends. I know that they are all open-minded and accepting of gays. I know that they're not going to have a problem with it, and that they'll be supportive of me. But I can't shake the feeling that at some level things will change. In particular I'm worried that my best friend (who I plan on coming out to first) might think I'm attracted to him, or that he might himself be gay and be attracted to me. This is largely an irrational fear, i know. Despite mannerisms that might have called his orientation into question, I'm pretty sure he's straight, and i don't have any reason to think he might think I'm into him, but whenever i think 'Okay, I'm going to say it, I'm going to come out' I get seized by that fear and just keep quiet. I mean, I'm not great in difficult social situations as it is. Umm, I guess I'm just sort of ranting now, but that helps me get my own thoughts in order, and it feels good to tell someone what's going on (even if it is people I don't know). You can give me your thoughts and advice, or not. I just needed to get that out.
It sounds like you've got a good grasp of where you're at. When you come out to your friend, you can just say something like this: "You've been a good friend, so I feel I can trust you with this information." That helps define the act not as a "come on", but as an exchange between friends. Lex
From one Christian turned atheist to another, I totally understand about how coming out on both issues is pretty much the same. There are a lot of us who understand that. I did mine the other way around. And coming out as an atheist was just as difficult as my first time around as gay. All of your fears are, as you stated, irrational. But they are not the least uncommon. They are a self-preservation mechanism built into our heads. It is very human to prefer the pain of the known to the fear of the unknown. In other words, we will remain in pain rather than take a chance to stop it, because the chance is something different. Now how silly is that? I mean, really. We all demonstrate that in many ways throughout our lives. And we usually look back at the fear part with regret. Your problem with your friends is, to put it bluntly, that you do not want to admit to them that you have been lying to them. Understand this, that will only get more difficult as time goes on. I'm just sayin'. That whole thing about attractions between you and your best friend... Is it that you totally completely 100% are not attracted to him and you don't want to open that can of worms? Not sure I understand the issue there.
true, I think it does have to do with that. I kind of feel like I might have betrayed their trust by being closeted so long, as stupid as I know that sounds. And you're right about it getting more difficult as time went on. That's partly why I'm no longer content being totally in the closet I guess. He's my best friend, and we are close, but no, I'm not attracted to him. Honestly, I'm pretty sure he's straight too (though I thought he was in the closet for a bit), but I'm just afraid that coming out to him might change our relationship somehow, which isn't something I want. What if coming out to him makes him think that I want more than a friendship? What if he is gay and is attracted to me? And part of me still isn't sure I'm really gay. I mean at this point I know I am, but at one point, i also 'knew' that I was straight. That nagging doubt has sat in the back of mind throughout this whole year or so experience. Really, I think I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I ought to. And I know at some point I'll have the guts to come out to him, and eventually my other friends. It's just a matter of when that happens. It's just an internal struggle I've had for the past couple of months. Thanks for the advice guys. I'm starting to feel more confident about this.
Growing up in a single parent household that wasn't extremely Christian like some, we did go to church often when I was younger. It tapered off/stopped when I was about 8 or 9 I think.. probably due to me being thrown out of a private Christian school for fighting. I think it made her resent churches in many ways.. but I am just speculating. From about 12 or 13 I knew I was gay more or less but kept telling myself it was a phase. Not so much due to Christian upbringing, but just the concept of being "gay" is a negative one in society to some extent. By 13 or 14 I also resented Christianity without any outside influence (ie: atheist friends) at all. This was early/mid 90s so no internet access like there is now either so that wasn't a factor. Partly due to the concept not making any sense.. but also related to my feelings about being gay. Sure, I kept telling myself I wasn't, hoping it was a phase... (but enjoying it anyway LOL!) but I didn't jump head first into Christianity over it.. I did kind of the opposite, I rejected it for hating me if I did turn out to be gay. I obviously pass for straight to most people since I never get bashed and people are generally shocked when I tell them.
Isn't that, well, the whole point of coming out? Many things would be better, some worse, and some just different. Yes, leaps into unknown like that are rarely wholly pleasant, and yes, doing everything you can to make sure the good outweighs the bad is a good idea, but in the end, you can't have your cake and eat it too. So, there might be some kind of sexual tension between you and your friend. Except, you know, it's there already, and getting worse every day you churn it in your brain instead of finding a real boyfriend. That's good for a long-running TV series, but that's not a good way to handle real life relationships. There's no viewership to entertain (one hopes) there's no scriptwriter who's contractually obliged to pair you up with someone by the time of season's finale, just you messing yourself up with involuntary celibacy and inadequate ersatzes of real romance and friendship, because you can't get real things without coming out... ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2012 at 10:36 AM ---------- Yes, you're absolutely, totally not attracted to him. You just spend a lot of time on thinking of (definitely purely hypothetical) world where you are and/or he is. Which absolutely doesn't mean anything, you understand. So, yes, he's most likely off-limits, based on pure statistics. He's also, right now, the closest thing to a partner you have, simply because you don't know any gay guys you're more likely to get involved with. You could've been pursuing a real romantic relationship right now (maybe, even with him, odds being against it and all) instead of just running around in that "but yeah, but no, but..." closet-induced hamster wheel. Isn't that worthwhile?
Finally told him. There was some awkward silence but it went really well, and he's very supportive (like i thought he'd be).
Congratulations! First ever coming outs require dancing bananas and the wave: (!!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!!) . :thewave:
