Should I tell my son I know he's gay?

I'm not going to write a whole essay like everyone else, mainly because I'm typing on my phone and my keyboard is really annoying, BUT I will say this. I'm 14 and I know that as far as my parents know I would LOVE for them to find out and be as supportive as you are being. In my opinion I would sag sit him down and tell him you already know. I mean if he knows you have his fb password then he knows you look through what he talksabout, so maybe he's trying to get you to find out. If he's not out to anyone then he is in the scariest and lonliest part of coming out, so you helping him through would be the right thing to do, in my eyes anyway.

 

YES!!

Also, side note if you always at home tend to be in control, to move things along for your idea of progress, and for your agenda, maybe that has attributed to his having a slower time in doing things in school without you around like initiating things.

but see, he is the one initiating the contact with his friends about his being gay, and you had no part in it! So maybe you are so used to career of social worker and fixing every aspect going wrong in others lives you don't have the skills built up to let your own family members make their own mistakes, blunders, close calls, and plans...they all need to be equipt for life by being sure of themselves that yes they can live independently, because what if someday you are not around to help them?

your son and hubby and any other kids you have got to be allowed to make tough choices and fail too, and you got to be brave to let them all do it too, and maybe be willing to not know anything about their private things in life...let them be free. do you think really you need to be checking his fb or even have so many parental locks, controls, over him now...could be an awesome gift if you gave him some back, like said you trust him to do the right things now he is older and you are giving him more rights to make the choices.

just a thought.

 

I feel sort of both ways about whether you should tell your son you know.

The thing is, living with the fear that your parents aren't going to love you if they know the truth about you is really terrible. So, while I think you need to not be too confrontational about it, I also think that this is not something that should be allowed to go on for a lot more years. Your son may have known this for a long time now, and his fear of rejection, and his fear of not belonging in your family, have been affecting him all that time. I do not think it's a good idea to allow that to continue indefinitely. I don't think it would be acceptable for you to let that go on until he is out of college and self-supporting, which is when we advise people to come out to parents if the parents have displayed clear homophobia.

He fears your husband's reaction, but he fears yours too, even if he has no real reason to. We all have that fear, and I don't know how to explain to you how overwhelming and unreal it is. And if he is very afraid of his father's reaction, and has cause, if his father has been clearly homophobic, everyone in the gay community will tell him to hold off on coming out until he can support himself. We will tell him that he has to live with all that pain and fear and shame for a few more years, because we can't be sure that if he comes out, his own parents won't do something to him that is even worse.

Did you know that 40% of homeless teenagers are homeless because their parents kicked them out for being gay? He may not know that statistic, but he knows that parents kicking their gay kids out is something that really happens, along with beatings, exorcisms and electroshock "therapy" (torture). So you can see that the consideration of whether it is safe to tell you is a serious one.

For now, I think that you should not directly confront him, but you should be very aggressive in showing your support and acceptance of gay people. If your husband could show some support, that would be especially helpful. He doesn't have to be completely comfortable with it, but if he can assert that being gay is innate, and gay people should be accepted--and if he can acknowledge that his being uncomfortable with it is his problem, and not actually something about gay people--that will go a long way.

Talk about gay issues in your house. Talk about the gay couples you've placed children with, and what good parents they are. Talk about gay celebrities. Ask your son his opinion on topics like marriage equality, and show that you are interested in what he has to say--that he can influence you. (If your husband can demonstrate that your son's influence over him is stronger than his homophobia, that would do a lot of good.) Maybe above all, speak disapprovingly of parents who disown their children--be forceful about it. It must be clear that it is an appalling, despicable thing that would never, ever happen in your family.

Tell him explicitly that there is nothing at all, ever, that would make you stop loving him. Your husband even more so must do this.

Since you mention wanting him to have support resources, you could leave materials around the house. Print out articles from PFLAG for yourself and your husband, and leave them laying around. (Your husband might benefit greatly from PFLAG meetings, as well--there are other parents there who started out where he is now.) PFLAG, if you don't know, is Parents Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. It is mostly parents. There is nothing you could do that will scream "supportive parents" more than leaving PFLAG stuff around your house.

If he hasn't told you by New Years, you might think about giving him a letter saying that you know and that you love him, and that he is safe in your home. And he doesn't have to talk about it until he's ready.

When he does tell you, mention how brave he is. I was a grown woman when I came out, and I had no reason at all to think my parents wouldn't accept me, and I was still completely terrified. And hug him, immediately! I don't know how to explain it, but physical touch, showing him that he isn't untouchable, is really important right then. And actions speak louder than words--a hug is unequivocal acceptance.

Don't worry about whether he has really thought through the consequences of coming out. He has, probably too much. Probably obsessively. And coming out will most likely help with the social isolation. Being in the closet makes us feel apart from everyone, and makes it difficult to form social bonds. So, don't worry about what happens at school unless you have real reason to--it's much more important that he knows he has your support and love.

**This weekend, while you are alone together, rent movies with gay people in them to watch. Or, if it happens to be Pride this weekend where you live (as it is many places, June being Pride Month, at least in the US) you could take him to the parade. Just tell him you like parades.

Thank you for loving your son for his true self. It's shocking how many parents do not.

For yourself and your husband, I want to say that some amount of grieving is expected. We go through a grieving process too, in our self-acceptance (this is often a big struggle, and something your son has been dealing with for a while). If you like, take a look at this thread: Stages of Grief, which has information about the grieving process and how it manifests in us and our families.

 

I first want to say that you sound like a fantastic mother. My parents are the polar opposite of you: abusive, unsupportive, and uncaring. If you were my mother and you knew that I was gay when I first came out to my friends at thirteen, I would have wanted you to ask me questions about my sexuality. It would have made things so much easier. But, then again, I may only be thinking this because my parents are so unsupportive. But please know that you can basically do no wrong in the long run. It would be best that you let your son come out on his own, but, in the end, you love him and he loves you. You support him and that will mean the most to him. I may not know all of the details, but I wish you the best of luck and pleas keep us updated!

~Harlan

 

First, like everyone else, I want to say that it sounds like you're a really great mother. Good job for keeping up with your son on Facebook, as well.

I've known lots of people who've come out, and usually when teenagers start telling their friends their parents aren't far behind.

I'm coming down on the side of those who believe you shouldn't confront him with it, yet. Each situation is different, and you know your son better than we do. My general advice is to follow your instincts and do what you feel is right. I can also certainly understand the desire to let him know that you know, just so you can show your support and love for him.

But I think it is important to understand that he has to be ready. When he finally comes to you and tells you the truth, he'll be more prepared to open up and talk. If you spring it on him, he might not be ready - it can actually have the exact opposite effect. If he really isn't ready, he could panic and deny everything - no matter how much evidence you have to the contrary.

He could also react in hostility and anger. His privacy was obviously violated, even though your motives were good and just. You were keeping an eye on him, and working to protect him - as a good mother should. But of course, he isn't going to see it that way. He will certainly forgive you down the road, but in the mean time he could shut you out emotionally.

It may also lead to him getting a separate and secret Facebook account, or simply changing his password and refusing to give you the new one. This could lead to more arguments and fighting.

So, my advice is to keep silent. Discuss things privately with your husband, and help him work through HIS issues. Create little situations that could give your son the opportunity to open up if he chooses to do so. Don't be too aggressive though, if you're printing out PFLAG articles and leaving them laying around, and pushing him to join the GSA, then that could cause issues if he isn't ready to open up.

Just leave little comments. The politics surrounding LGBT issues are perfect to bring it up. In the discussion, simply slip in something like, "You know your Dad and I discussed what would happen if you or any of your siblings were to be born gay. We decided a long time ago to love you all no matter what, and I just can't imagine why some parents would react so badly to their own children." Something like that. Let it seem a natural part of the conversation.

Trust me when I say, your son is hyper-aware of everything you and your husband say about LGBT people. He remembers every single thing both positive and negative both of you have ever said, and most likely he dwells on the negative out of fear and shame.

I don't think your son is in any eminent danger coming out to his friends. The worst that is likely to happen is one of them doesn't take it very well, and while that might upset him hopefully he'll have others to fall back on for support.

I would keep an eye on him - make an effort to continue to secretly monitor his Facebook activity. See what he is saying and doing, if you see some warning flags, then you might be forced to step in. You should also, if you don't already, ask how his day was and maybe spend some extra time with him - if he's willing. Give him a few extra hugs, and maybe do something nice for him... something to show that you're thinking about him and that you love him. If he's having a rough day or feeling stressed, little acts of kindness like that help and go a long way.

When uncertain follow your intuition, it's what led you here. You're clearly a good mother who loves her son dearly, so in the end you really can't go wrong.

 

It can't be said enough: You're a great mother to have.

As it is, I would advise against telling him that you know and how you found out. This is based off my experience and only mine, and naturally it's different for everyone. However, when my mother found out about a past serious issue of mine (last December) I was absolutely furious. She had found out by reading a timeline I had made to try and make sense of stuff, which had accidentally been left on the table when I intended to take it up to my room. Even though it was where she could access it, and normally stuff on the table is "public" to the household, I felt it was a violation of my privacy because I had not wanted to read it and because she had read it thoroughly to the bottom.

She brought up the issue the following evening. Although I was fine with telling people on EC and some people other than her about it, I was not ready to discuss it with her. It was awful, though that was in part because the issue was more negative than sexuality. I had been thinking about if that conversation would ever happen, and I had concluded that I didn't ever wanted to, but I wasn't given a choice in whether or not to have it. It came up at the wrong time with the wrong person. Someday might be the right time and she might be the right person, but when that comes, I will be the one able to know.

That isn't to say that telling your son would go badly, or that he would wish you hadn't. It's just a vaguely comparable situation that I went through. I really hope that he has the courage to come out to you and the time when he's ready is soon.

 

I think you have made the right decision about letting him come out on his own terms and to create an accepting environment. Every situation has it's similarities and differences it seems. Creating the proper environment is the most important in my opinion. My story is an example of what happens when the accepting environment is not there. My family never talks about anything related to sex. Neither of my parents even had the birds and the bees talk with me. In high school, I never talked to anyone about it. This made my confusion last way longer than it should have. Basically, I just tried to force myself to be what the examples in my life were. I've had several long term relationships with girls that hurt both me and them because I couldn't reciprocate their sexual feelings.

I do consider myself a little lucky in the fact that I didn't turn to risky behavior to find understanding of myself. My thoughts are that many young people do this because they feel that they have no other outlet. Having parents that can talk about safe sex practices is essential. With that, I feel a parent must also emphasize that the children are respected and loved for who they are and that the children should expect that from any relationship that they get into.

So I guess to answer you question specifically, I would say that only you can know when the time is right if you feel the need to tell him. Otherwise, just create the proper environment along with your husband that will allow him to figure all this stuff out on his own terms. I will recommend that maybe your husband could make it a point to spend some alone time with him. I think that if your husband does this and just lets your son know that he loves him for who he is no matter what then that may reassure your son of acceptance. Strengthening that relationship may be all your son is looking for to be comfortable with coming out to you both.

Lastly, I thank both you and your husband for being such great parents. I am confident that if you maintain this commitment to a positive, loving atmosphere unconditionally that you will have a strong and loving family that anyone would be envious of. (*hug*)

 

It is so good that you already know your son is gay and you're fine with it. Congratulations, you're a great mum! You accept him no matter what, not judging him for the way he is. Unfortunately, not all parents can think that way.

What I have to tell you is that I'd loved if my parents would come and talk to me about what they already know, that I am gay, although I haven't told them yet. But I think all parents know when their children are gay. It'd be so much easier this way. Thus I'd know they are okay with it and would support me no matter what; I wouldn't have to be afraid of their reaction any more.

In your case, I'd talk to your son in a way that makes him understand that you know everything and that you are here for him, that you accept him and love him just the way he is. It is very important that you make it clear to him that you accept the fact that he is gay, before anything else. Also, you don't really have to tell him that you found out through his Facebook page, if you think he'd feel mad over the invasion of privacy, unless he asks you how you found out.

Good luck and, once again, congratulations! I wish my mum was like you...

 

It would be great to have a mother like you. You sound like a great mom. But let him come to you don't tell him you know he is gay. As a teen myself I would feel complelty violated if my mom went through my facebook. Just make sure that you are there for him when he does come out. Don't tell other people that he is gay either just keep it between your husband and you. My mom told some family members and it pissed me off to no end.

 

I thought I'd give my input and say you really are an amazing mum but also I agree with your decision not to confront him about it yet.

I think your son will see this as a violation of his privacy and although he knows you have his password he may have forgot and this could cause him to change his password and the purpose of you knowing it is defeated (I don't know the entire situation but I'm guessing he may have forgot you know the password unless you go on his account in front of him or ask him about it regularly).

As other have said, indirectly support gay themes but ensure to not slip a derogatory gay comment in as this shatters all support no matter how many times you have voiced your support. Although he is ready to come out to his friends, that is a lot different to coming out to your parents so it may not be as soon as you think. He will come out when he is ready and from what you have been saying, you'll do an amazing job at supporting him when he does.

My mum started dropping hints when we started watching glee together such as 'I'll always love you no matter what you sexuality is' etc but back then I wouldn't have come out to her and would have denied it if asked which if your son does makes it even harder to come out later on as you have already denied it. Even though back then I would have denied it, a few years later, I wish my mum would ask me if I was gay and I'd gladly say yes! It's just a matter of which stage your son is at and whether it is worth the risk to ask now which in my opinion it isn't so I'd let him come out to you.

Hopefully he'll come out to you this weekend but if not maybe he will soon and the best of luck to you both when he does, you'll be an amazing supporter!

 

As much as I agree with nearly everything else everyone's put, I wanted to echo this in particular.

When I was... 17/18, and still very much questioning myself, my mom caught wind of the fact that I was struggling with something and pestered me about the topic until I told her/she guessed what was wrong. She was obviously fine with it, but for me, that was the most terrifying experience of my life. I was at a point when I was still very ashamed for having those thoughts in the first place, let alone wanting to be confronted about it by one of the most important people in my life.

While not the same age, I'm 20 now, and I'm still afraid of coming out to my parents. I'm pretty damned confident that they'll have no problems with it (hell, my mom probably has just as many gay friends as she does straight friends). I know kids are growing up in a bit of a different time now, since things are making progress every day, but for me, coming out was definitely a control issue. Being gay was my one big secret, the one thing that I had total control over in my life amidst all the other problems, and the one thing that I got to choose who did and didn't know. I got to deal with it on my terms, and I don't think I could've asked for anything more.

Yeah, dealing with this identity shift is difficult, but your son sounds like he probably has a good head on his shoulders (especially with you as a mom), and he's already working his way towards other resources (his peers). For a lot of us, our families are the most important people in our lives, and no matter how supportive we know they'll be, we have to look at the worst-case scenario: if something were to go badly, what happens if we ended up losing them? I'm not that close with my family anymore and I know even I'd be distraught if I wasn't accepted by them.

I think the best thing you can do in this situation is to just be open about the topic, like others have said. Just keep on being supportive of LGBT people and topics, and hopefully it'll help quell his fears/reassure him that you're a safe bet to come out to. He's a smart kid; he'll come out when he's ready. I wouldn't pressure him into anything.

Also this, 100%. If he doesn't come to you, don't take it personally, this is a process, his process.

 

^ amen!

 

^ Double amen!

 

You are a great mother! You remind me a lot of my own, who was very supportive. What reminds me of my own mother is that you said you like to have things out in the open.

I will tell you that coming out to my parents was a very scary thing for me, but it was helpful in raising my own self-confidence. My mom kind of knew as I was seeing a therapist, however she tried to talk about it and I played it down.

If she ever told me "I know you are gay" I would have felt very violated. Especially me, because I like being an individual and doing things my way if I can. If your son is like that at all, then he might feel exactly the same way.

Your son is lucky to have such supportive parents. Good luck to you, I really hope this works out for you.

 

Congrats for being aware, and caring so much.

That said, and every situation is different, please be sensitive in how you broach the subject - it's one thing to say things like "wow did you hear about that gay kid who did whatever great thing, his parents must be so proud of him", "i just can't understand how the parents of so and so rejected their son for being gay, that is just unthinkable" and quite another to say "you know i'd be just as proud of you if you announced to me you were gay". One is implying support, the other is cornering him into coming out when he may not be ready for it. BTW if he read the same coming out book I was reading last week, i suggests coming out to some friends before talking to parents or siblings, so don't feel overly slighted he's talking to friends about it before talking to you. Again every situation is different. Hope everything turns out for the best with you and your son.

 

I echo the suggestion made by Chip to look into the work of Brené Brown. She's a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She's spent years studying shame and vulnerability, which are of course - two things that prevent everyone (gay and straight alike) from living an authentic life. It's the stuff that gets in the way of what she calls, as Chip pointed out, "wholehearted living."

Here are the links to her TED Talks:

Talk 1: The Power of Vulnerability

Talk 2: Listening to Shame

I'm currently in the process of going back through one of her books, The Gifts of Imperfection.

It may not seem that it deals with the subject at hand, but that's incorrect - it deals directly with it. Being gay is often a source of shame and fear, because as Professor Brown puts it shame is about the fear of loss of connection with other people. Example: "If my parents know that I am gay, then they might not love me anymore."

The book is full of stuff that - just by understanding it - will help you help your son. At the end of the day, no matter how much you love your son, he still lives in a society that tells him that he's unequal, unworthy, wrong, and perverted. This is what causes gay people to feel shame about being gay, and to in turn hide it from others.

So, like Chip, I highly recommend the book.

 

This - in the last few months my dad has started liking various bits on Facebook (and actually posting them) which show he's probably in support of LGB rights - for over a decade I've not had a clue where he stands on those sorts of things, and these small gestures have given me hope that I won't be rejected and have spurred me on towards working towards my own coming out, something I've tried to suppress for a decade. Just knowing that at least one of my parents is likely to support me has started to make me feel more confident about myself. I wish I'd had that years ago.

That being said over the years I've been asked "are you gay?" and "do you have a girlfriend? No. Boyfriend?" and those questions have just pushed me further into the closet as I wasn't ready yet - while simultaneously making me feel like shit, especially when it involved lying (even indirectly - i.e. No I haven't got a boyfriend being the truth, but skirting the real questions being asked by that) to my parents.

 

I should have added, he seems to be a pretty happy kid with a good social life.