So I've posted here a couple of times and thought it would be good to post an update of where I'm at. I've clearly decided that I'm not 100% straight. I clearly find some guys really attractive and I think that's ok. Gay sex still really turns me off but who knows maybe in the future something will change. I've been quite depressed lately about this for about 3 months now...The biggest problem for me is that I feel like I won't be able to have a relationship with a girl now...this is a problem for me because I also find girls attractive (sexually speaking more so than men at least pornography wise) and on an emotional level would most likely prefer a long term relationship with a woman. I haven't decided how deep my attraction for men is...I do find myself checking them out on the street all the time now mostly to see if I am attracted to them or not and clearly some of them are great looking. I don't really know what this means about me and I'm very worried about it. I guess I don't know what the next step is...my parents are very concerned as they can tell how depressed I am and I've been very close to them my whole life...shared everything and I just want to confide in them so much but feel like I can't but I might just have to. There's been a lot of blaming that I've done as well mainly of a situation that happened when I was around 8 I think...an older boy of a few years made me play a sex game with him where I was the girl and he pretended to sexually torture me...he also wanted me to pee in his mouth which is where I finally drew the line...I still remember this and its had a real affect on my worry of what it could have done to me...I guess I'm just looking for some guidance of where I should go with this...I guess maybe going out to some gay bars could be a good step.
I think you should ease yourself into it. Get to know another gay guy and see what happens. Maybe fool around a little too, if you like it, keep doing it, if not then thats okay too. Be honest with them though. Don't lead them on or anything, just say your curious, but that you have also put some considerable thought into it and just go with it.
It may be best to see a professional about your reluctance for intimacy. You pressure yourself in needing to figure everything out all at once. You stated already that you now know that you aren't 100% straight. That is a pretty big accomplishment. I mean heck I fought with that same exact question for 17 years all the time knowing deep down who I was, but couldn't come to admit it to myself much less anyone else. If I were you I would just live my life how I wanted and keep myself open to exploring what interests me. So many people, to include myself, come here wanting to define themselves with a label. In the end, the label or title is not what is even important. It the acceptance of ourselves and the freedom that comes with being able to live as that. I don't know if you really do need professional help with your trouble, but someone that is experienced with the lgbt community can be a good guide for all of the things that bother you. Either way, we are here to listen whenever you need someone. (*hug*)
I think talking to someone would be very helpful here. Doesn't need to be a professional but possibly a parent. Do you have a good relationship with your mom or dad? Could you trust them with something like this? Just a thought and totally not something you should do without thought or impulsively. Someone brought up this idea to me - one I previously thought unthinkable - and it got my wheels turning ultimately getting me comfortable to share with my mom.
