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Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I do?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TheGreyMan, May 26, 2012.

  1. TheGreyMan

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    Right now I've just said thank you and done nothing more, but what if for god knows what reason, I end up as some gay ladykiller, a la Neil Patrick Harris?

    Would people get suspicious of me rejecting all of these girls or what?
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    Well, at least you know you're cute. That's good, right?

    Some people might suspect something I guess, but only if they are really paying attention to it. Most people won't be.

    Eventually, people will suspect you of being gay, but probably not until after college age. That's when it really starts being strange if you haven't started dating, and people start bugging you about it.
     
  3. TheGreyMan

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    Well honestly I can't wait to come out but my mom is stopping me until after high school.

    Really that's all I'm afraid of because there are a few relatively bad homophobes. Also they're crazy. I'm not really that good looking.
     
  4. Ianthe

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    Don't worry about it, then. You can't help what people think, and your mom will have to live with that.

    If crazy homophobes start bugging you, there are steps you can take to deal with that. But like I said, they aren't going to suspect you unless they are paying close attention to what you are doing for some reason.

    Why don't you assume that girls are telling you you're cute because that's what they think? It's unlikely that they would say that if they didn't think it was true.
     
  5. Chip

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    No offense to your mom, but it's completely ridiculous for her to stop you from coming out. It's your life, and you'll only have one time to go to high school. I think if you spend your entire high school life closeted, you'll look back and really regret having not been yourself.

    I would wager that your mom's reason for not wanting you to come out has more to do with her own denial and/or not wanting to deal with having a gay son than any genuine focus on your own best interest.

    We have people at EC who came out at 12. And people who came out at 25 or older. And pretty much without exception, the people who came out at 25 really regret not having come out much earlier.

    This is your decision and your battle to fight and your life to live, not hers. When you are closeted, you aren't living your life authentically, and you lose out on being able to belong authentically to any group, because you aren't being you; you are "fitting in" by pretending to be someone you're not.

    I would suggest rethinking this.
     
  6. TheGreyMan

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    She says she's afraid that I'll be bullied.

    I don't think she's in denial. I mean, how on earth can you be homophobic when you've worked in theatre for your entire life? She also listens and gives advice when I talk about guys with her.
     
  7. fatalmoon91

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    I hate to be that guy but I've met a few people in theatre that are either completely homophobic or ignorant. this isn't meant to be against your mom or anything but as much as it's portrayed to be theatre isn't the gay utopia media says it is. actually very recently one girl that i met through the theatre that has been involved in theatre for as long as i had told me"being gay was something you could get over if you really wanted to" unfortunately that means no matter if you wait till after high school or not you will meet people who will try to bully you. there are steps to take to stop that but those people are out there no matter how old you are or what you do.
     
  8. TheGreyMan

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    i don't think she is considering how pro-gay marriage she is and how many great friends of hers are gay...

    I really hope she's not homophobic because that'd honestly crush me.
     
  9. RealityCheck

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    She's not. She is just afraid for her son. I'm sure most parents in this situation have the same worries. I would just talk to her about it more. Let her clarify what the exact concerns would be and then come up with a better solution to handle them than staying closeted. Your mom sounds like a wonderful person.
     
  10. Vanc

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    This doesn't sit well with me...does she think it will be any easier after high school? There will always be people that won't agree with your lifestyle, high school or not. You just have to be the better people and be satisfied with who you are.
     
  11. Chip

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    The reality is, bullying exists everywhere. And maybe it gets a little better after high school, but honestly, I don't think the trade-off of spending your entire high school years being someone you're not, and dealing with all the built-up shame that comes with that, is worth it.

    If your mom is on your side, and you can hold your head up high, bullying should not be a problem. It might be for a short time, but if you don't buy into it, the bullies will pretty quickly figure that out and choose another target.

    You might invite your mom to check out EC and perhaps even post here if she is so inclined. She sounds like a sensible person who is trying to look out for your best interests -- from what you've said, I can't fathom she'd be homophobic or otherwise unaccepting -- but in the process is being a bit overprotective.
     
  12. fireworks

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    Yanno I am in the exact same position.

    My mum doesnt want me to come out because she's in denial and thinks that I will change my mind.
    My dad wants me to wait, because he fears that I will be bullied.as a doctor, he is aware of several cases of depression in lgbt individuals (his patients and colleagues)because of coming out at a young age and experiencing homophobia.

    But at the end of the day, if your school isn't homophobic.. Well, you know best. I, like you, cannot wait to come out, and not afraid to face the occasional bully. Haters gonna hate^^

    So I told them that it's my life. I took everything they said into consideration, and decided to wait until my exams were over. That's one week to go:')

    I totally believe that your mum has said tjis with the best intentions. But if you wanna come out, it's your choice. At a stage, it will become upsetting to have to carry this secret around for so long.

    Hope that helps, you can message me if you like xx
    Good luck!
     
  13. Deaf Not Blind

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    Well, do the girls ask you out? Do they just want to be friends? Having friends of any gender is great. More friends the better!

    I do know that I got a lot of men, many I do not know, many who are friends of friends, PM me FB, asking if I am single. Even if I said I am dating, which I am not, even if I said to a MAN, which I really am not, even if I say the person I am dating is GAY, they still ask if I am a good kisser and can they try my lips. :/

    If that stuff happens to you, it isn't anything just about you, it is just a lot of desperate peeps out there. Even my friends who are straight, or bi, and dating are having probs with girls trying to friend their boyfriend or vise versa.

    I just laugh at them myself, like "NOPE! Never, you will never ever get to date me. Better look elsewhere as I got mine one someone else."
     
  14. Lewis

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    Just be flattered I guess. There's nothing you can do, we find straight men attractive, but can't do anything about it and neither can they. You could just ignore them or say you're not looking for a relationship.
     
  15. Beertruck

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    Heyyy this is what my parents did, more or less! Except they went with the "you're confused, don't make this decision until you're out of school" route... which messed me up for a long time.

    While your mom undoubtedly has your best interests in mind, she's wrong in this case. You shouldn't make hiding yourself a habit. It can be hard to break.

    Besides, the way it's NOT going to become a stigma is if there are more of us out there in the open.
     
  16. TheGreyMan

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    Gee. This is more common than I thought.

    I've already told her that I hate living a lie like this and she just told me 'no one's forcing you to date girls.' I kinda poured my heart out to her and she still thought it was a bad idea. I have no idea what else to say, honestly...
     
  17. Steve712

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    Do it anyhow. Come out without her permission. Will she be mad? Sure, probably, but when she sees that it wasn't the end of your life and that you are happier and more comfortable with yourself, she'll accept your decision and move on.
     
  18. TheGreyMan

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    I'm just scared to strain our relationship as I've said.

    She's a single mom and we're very, very close.
     
  19. Steve712

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    I think you guys will turn out fine. You obviously love each other very much, and want the best for one another. It won't compromise your relationship; she wants you to be happy, she just doesn't realise that she's impeding that rather than helping it.
     
  20. Rice and Pepper

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    Re: Girls are adding me on facebook and calling me cute. I'm gay. What on Earth do I

    I don't know what your case is, but your mom could be right.
    Before I came out to my parents, I was thinking "OMG! I want to come out! I want to come out to everyone! I want to have a relationship now! I don't want to be in the closet forever...". Then, I came out to them and after a lot of conversations I had with them, I realised how stupid I was. I wasn't prepared to face racism, but nor did I want to have a relationship. I just wanted to feel "normal". A huge load had been taken off my shoulders and I could think more clearly. And now, I am very satisfied with my life! I have a lot of selfconfidence and I can finally think of what I would like to do without being confused by the fact that I am gay.
    My point is, don't rush to come out to others. There might be bad consequences, that you might not be prepared to face and that will affect important decisions in your life. I regret for coming out to my parents earlier ( I came out a month ago, and I am 19), but under no circumstances do I regret for not having come out to others. Even now, only my parents and two very close friends know that I am gay and I don't want anyone else to know it for now. Not because I am scared, but because I don't feel I have to tell them. And I know that some people will try to use my orientation to my disadvantage (in my university there is a lot of competition and some students would do anything to come out on top of others).
    If that's what your mom is telling you, then I agree with her.
    What I would advise you to do is to judge your life, without including the gay factor. Do you have enough friends? Are you happy with them? Are you doing as well as you would like at school? Are you sure there is not something, or someone, depressing you, that there is nothing you would like to change (do not include the gay factor again)? Do you like yourself, your character? If the answer is no, then start changing your life on these specific aspects, and only these, one at a time. If the answer is yes, but a sure yes, and you still feel you want to come out to people (for example if you feel that you are not close enough to your friends because you can't talk about who you like etc, or because you think you want a relationship), then do it.
    But of course, inform your mom about it. Maybe she won't like it, or will tell you not to do it, but still inform her that you will. Because if anything bad happens with those omophobic idiots, she will have to be ready to stand up for you and help you. Maybe she is afraid that she might fail as a mom if you get bullied, as she won't be able to deal with the problem. Not telling her will simply mean to her that you have rejected her from your life. I think you shouldn't listen to everything she says, but always keep her informed. Also, have in mind what is her advice, because she is has more life experience than you (and your friends) do and probably she will aid you to avoid tough situations.
    And remember, one step at a time, or things might get out of hand and you could end up in the middle of a great mess. You have to be cautious. Coming out, and especially to many people, doesn't mean all your problems will simply disappear.
    I believe that's a good approach to the problem. At least, it is for me. I repeat that I can't know what your case is exactly. Only you know what is best for you, so think carefully.
    I hope I helped. :slight_smile: