I HATE being trans...

i think same things.

I'm thinking of typing a list, pro con.
also all what i have done that is trans typical in my whole life, and how not female i am.

i was told sunday by my mom i was dressed so pretty. i told her i got it in guys dept., she just said but its such a pretty color on me and makes me pretty.
moms.

---------- Post added 18th May 2012 at 09:42 PM ----------

it would be cool to have a whole trans state: schools too.
everyone could transition as they want and nobody think they weirdo, esp mid transition.

 

Deaf Not Blind, your mom doesn't understand that you don't like being called pretty. She's trying to make you feel good. She thought the outfit looked good on you--or the colors, anyway--and thankfully, she decided to comment on that instead of harassing you to wear girlier stuff. Things could be worse.

Can I point out that that "only argument" is actually thousands of arguments combined into one? I mean, each separate thing that would be damaged by your not coming out and transitioning can be considered separately, instead of as one mass thing that you call "ruining your life."

On your deathbed, you don't want to regret that:

• Every single relationship that you have ever had with anyone--family, friends, lovers, whoever--wasn't inauthentic, because you were not being yourself. No one ever really knew you.
• You lived your whole life feeling like no one would ever love you for who you really are.
• You never even loved yourself for who you really are.
• You always felt painfully uncomfortable in your own body.
• You never really lived the life you wanted.

I could go on, but you get the idea. This is serious shit, okay? It's not just one little thing.

(Also, all of those, except the third one, apply for gay people coming out too.)

Anyway, however other people treat you is not as important to how you feel about yourself as your own thoughts and actions. The more you affirm yourself in your own words and actions, the better you will feel about yourself. Other people can still hurt you, but not as much.

 

My parents brushed it off when I came out too. Mind you I came out as "sorta, thinkign that I might be trans". When I tried to ask for their help in getting counselling so I could get to grips with those feelings. They suggested that I try and focus on doing well at uni.

I just...


Well...there was a lot more to it than that...but well..

Here I am..nearly five monthes later. I've barley attended a single lecture, missed all my assesments except for one. I just spend my days in my room, with the blinds closed. I havn't made any friends or been to any parties or any of that crap. I'm probably going to have to withdraw and come back again at a later date - when I'm not constantly feeling so shitty and confused that I just want to die.

I don't know if I was or am trans. But I know I'm sad nearly all the time. And it's ruining my life.


Sorry I know this was your rant thread, I guess I kind of turned it into my own. Please forgive me, I've been meaning to make my own thread on here.

I thought I would come back to EC...I even started to beleive myself when I met DNB and started talking to him quite a bit. But ever since I've just been lurking...and yeah...havn't really....done anything...

 

oh!

See I think we Transgendered or whatevers need to be all communicating not lurking. I have tried posting about clothing, because it is scary for 1st step and I have an eye for stuff. I had hoped others questioning transitioning would also write ideas and advice so we can work this through...together.

We are all alone!

But seems to me we are experiencing same things. GEE, my grades fell since January, both these quarters, because my mind is so much working through this. I think you actually can undy! That is good, because nobody else does...only a person going through gender identity crisis can comprehend the queerness of just getting dressed in the morning and trying to get to class...study? HOW ON EARTH CAN WE?

I got D+, close to passing, my last test, but I failed the 1st, and I fear my other class is going down too. Why now?

So, I am not going to encourage anyone to go all the for it, to take hormones or steroids or any other thing, but I will encourage everyone transgender issued to communicate with each other on a post. if mine are not good, start one that is better, but we are individually imploding people! This aint good!

Let's discuss everything openly, nobody can rat on us here, it is safe, ok? If you have issues with family, school, church, gf/bf, job, neighbors, what have you...just tell. I am not PC, I won't eat you for just speaking whats on your mind, and I may even be able to console you a bit...or make you smile.

So, like 3 Musketeers, all for one....

 

Hey guys, I thought I might add my bit coz I'm feeling pretty down and confused about my gender and can relate with u guys. I'm physically female, but pretty much all my life I've felt like I'm in the wrong body, and wanted to be in boys clothes and have skateboards and short hair... You get the picture. I love it when people mistake me for a guy because it means im showing how i really am on the inside. But when my parents or who ever correct people and say im a girl makes me so mad! And I hate it when my family treat me like a chick and go "hey my girly" or " what's up girl", it irritates me, and like even if I were to transition, they would still see me as a girl. Im sure I'm trans, and I tried to explain this to my ex-gf and my best guy friend, but they were just like "you're still a girl", they couldn't relate to how I feel inside. But at the same time I'm so confused because I want to look like a guy, and where a suit, etc and not have to wear a bra, but the thought of having the bottom half of a guy grosses me out completely. So I don't even know what I am.

 

Until last sentence I'd say you are transgender. But if you don't pray God please help me wake up with male genitals, if you don't dream how good it would feel to slide you penis inside a woman's vagina, if you don't use the toilet look down and think how you are missing something, it can't be transexual.

You have a gf, so you are having lesbian sex now? I could never ever do that, or straight to guys, ew! Because I need to be a man 1st. If you love and accept your lower parts, but want to dress boyish, pass, and bind, you are maybe queer or a masculine lesbian. You are not a transgender man if you are not a man, you would know if you were, it is very confusing anyways. Keep searching, I think you will find out good news...you won't need medication or surgery.

 

Hey all,

Cutting in on these threads seem to be kind of my deal, so I'm just going to go ahead. First thing's first, though. I know you're hurting, but you're not alone. There are a lot of people like us out there, and a lot of them are living exactly the lives they want to.

This is a really dark place you seem to be in; I want to give you all some hope. A couple of you know by now, I came out about two and a half years ago. I'm on testosterone, and having top surgery in a month. It's at the point where a lot of the time I feel more 'post-trans' than trans - like I'm just a regular guy. It was a long road to get here though.

Like where you guys and girls seem to be now, I was in a really bad place. Self harm, not sleeping for so long I'd hallucinate, a social recluse. I was a mess. I'd known about who I was for a very long time, but at thirteen, it came to a cross-roads. My school sent me to see a psychiatrist because I just didn't talk.

I sat in this lady's office, and thought 'if I tell this woman I'm a boy, she'll have me locked up.' I thought I was insane. My second thought was 'what the hell will this do to my family?'

To me it seemed it was probably all in my head, and even if it wasn't, if I acted on it, it was going to hurt everyone around me. So I made a deal with myself, and decided to wait until my 18th birthday to come out. I hoped it'd just go away, but for me - like some of you, I think - it never did.

I get that where you're at right now sucks. It hurts more than there's really words for sometimes, and it can drive you to some extremes that a lot of people never reach. But I also know that it's still possible for things to come good.

I came out. My parents freaked, at first. I think that's the normal reaction; my mother said it was like I was killing her child. But that's not where it ends. I told them I was going to do this, regardless, because I know who and what I am.

Pre-treatment, I was pretty scared. What if I was wrong? What if I changed my mind? What if they couldn't fix me, and I was just going to be this freak, never really male, but well past passing as female? I think these fears aren't too distant for some of you, uh.

That said, what the hell did I have to lose?

I went and got it treated, and I've nearly got it fixed. There are some things a regular guy can have that I never will, but things are so much better. I went from going through classes in a haze, to getting into law school. There, I'm stealth - no one knows. I've got an army of friends, and plenty of interest from people who want to be more. I lift weights and play football with my brother. I paintball with the guys. Every item of clothing I own, is something I feel honestly comfortable in. I'm better off now than I ever was, growing up. Transitioning is not a cureall; I still have bad days like anyone else.

Difference is, I've got a shot at having some good ones, too.

Things just get to a point where you've got to make a call. If this is so bad that you're thinking you'd rather die than keep living as you are, isn't it worth at least looking into? It's scary, I get that. A lot of the planet cannot tolerate the way we are. But if you're living hell, just because you feel so damn wrong the way you are right now, how long do you put up with it before it's not worth the price?

I'm not suggesting anyone rush into this. It's a big change and a hell of a fight. But if you're thinking these things, I am suggesting it's worth looking into. See a gender therapist, or find a trans group in your area. Meet some people - talk to some people. As bad as things look like now, it doesn't have to be that way.

DNB is right; conversation is a must. But if that stops helping, take the next step. Living as someone you're not is hard. Living as someone you never can be, because that's what everyone around you expects, is impossible. Ianthe is right.

Michelle - because, I think that's who you are - don't give up. It's hard, but it's worth it. Same to you, 11 11 11. It's difficult, but it's going to be okay.

Sorry for the obscenely long post.

 

[/QUOTE]Until last sentence I'd say you are transgender. But if you don't pray God please help me wake up with male genitals, if you don't dream how good it would feel to slide you penis inside a woman's vagina, if you don't use the toilet look down and think how you are missing something, it can't be transexual.

You have a gf, so you are having lesbian sex now? I could never ever do that, or straight to guys, ew! Because I need to be a man 1st. If you love and accept your lower parts, but want to dress boyish, pass, and bind, you are maybe queer or a masculine lesbian. You are not a transgender man if you are not a man, you would know if you were, it is very confusing anyways. Keep searching, I think you will find out good news...you won't need medication or surgery. [/QUOTE]
I do wish constantly that I was a guy and when it comes to thinking about sex or watching straight sex (from movies, etc) I picture myself as the guy, and having a penis and being able to stand up when I go to the toilet. Like I want to have one but part of me just thinks it is so unattractive looking. So I don't know.
I do have a gf but we haven't quite moved to that stage in our relationship yet, but I totally want to move to that level

 

So anyone ever wear a dress, high heels, curl their hair, put on a tad bit makeup, look in the mirror or take a photo only to see a drag queen?

Darn, for a couple years I thought I could force me to like me, by going all girly, ok...not too much make up and no pantyhose or fake nails, that is just toooo much. But I even got a push up bra, that is right...thre girl who pushed them down since 10 tried to make them big. I looked stupid...oh no I turned men's heads, but I also don't want to. :/

So I went back to binding, but I really am going full tilt boy clothes looking more guy now. I am nervous about it. I can't be female, can I be satisfied by just dressing male? I by nature tend to act like a guy. The clothes match my personality, I do not see a drag queen any more...and I don't see a boyish girl, just a real guy. But my voice is wrong...hmmm.

Silenced, how is testosterone doing for you? You look like born male? I just fear the worst, and permanent mistake. I have never dated, can't like this. How did it affect your mind, sleeping, eating, sex drive, emotions...I was warned it will affect me.

---------- Post added 19th May 2012 at 04:52 AM ----------

Until last sentence I'd say you are transgender. But if you don't pray God please help me wake up with male genitals, if you don't dream how good it would feel to slide you penis inside a woman's vagina, if you don't use the toilet look down and think how you are missing something, it can't be transexual.

You have a gf, so you are having lesbian sex now? I could never ever do that, or straight to guys, ew! Because I need to be a man 1st. If you love and accept your lower parts, but want to dress boyish, pass, and bind, you are maybe queer or a masculine lesbian. You are not a transgender man if you are not a man, you would know if you were, it is very confusing anyways. Keep searching, I think you will find out good news...you won't need medication or surgery. [/QUOTE]
I do wish constantly that I was a guy and when it comes to thinking about sex or watching straight sex (from movies, etc) I picture myself as the guy, and having a penis and being able to stand up when I go to the toilet. Like I want to have one but part of me just thinks it is so unattractive looking. So I don't know.
I do have a gf but we haven't quite moved to that stage in our relationship yet, but I totally want to move to that level [/QUOTE]

Ohhhh! I see. Yeah I started thinking of kissing girls age 10ish, but as a boy. :/ weird. And then masturbating about age 19 i began, and um, i was a young man with a girl in my thoughts.

Not all penises are equal...some are kinda ugly, maybe you not seen many. But I think the surgery to make them is more ugly, so I will have to settle for prosthetics I guess...unless they learn how to lab grow or transplant them one day.

I bet your gf would never think your penis ugly!

 

Why can't we just be people.

All this gender stuff is just so...

DNB said to say what we like so...I'm going to give it a shot. Sorry if this ends up being another rant post, and no-one know what to say, or has any similar feelings but.....eh....to be honest I don't care.

The amount of importance gender places on stereotypes is simply stupid. Whether it's gender sterotypes. Racial stereotypes. Stereotypes for people who work in hospitals or..
..or...


uhm...

Yeah I should leave.

You all belong here....you've got things in common. Issues about your birth-gender.....me? I'm just really really confused. And wasting time. I should....

yeah...I don't really even have the energy to post anymore


God that makes no sense. My writing has gone down the drain. I can't even get a couple of sentences together.

 

Treatment has gone very well for me. My voice is deeper than most of my (male) friends. I shave my face every couple of days, and probably should more often. The muscle mass is very much male; been doing a lot of training pre-surgery, and I'm starting to get proper abs now.

Sexually I'm a lot more comfortable; testosterone tends to make your sex drive go through the roof. I sleep far better than I used to. I haven't actually been that much more hungry, but I do notice it more if I am hungry.

Emotionally is possibly the biggest non-physical change. I'm much calmer, much more chilled. Most of the time I'm pretty much happy. I don't feel any social unease like I used to; very comfortable.

Dressing how you feel helps, but sometimes you need more.

DNJ, you may well be trans. A lot of guys are unsure on how much they want to change; some guys take testosterone, some don't. Some guys have top surgery, some don't. Some have lower surgery, some don't. It's a question of changing what you need to change to be at peace. For a lot of guys, being male is very much linked to wanting lower surgery. Not for all of them though; plenty of transguys never have it, even if they could. Buck Angel, for example; very masculine, but apparently will never have lower surgery. It varies. If these things are on your mind a lot, it may be healthy for you to at least explore your gender identity; exploring doesn't mean transitioning, but it does allow you to better understand who you are.

 

And all of you - all say that you always had these feelings. Or had them since you were young. I'm not like that at all.

I know this is a really individualistic kind of thing. But I've never spoken to anyone who just randomly started feeling this way - like I seem to have.

Ugh. Why am I writing this stuff.

I guess because I've got nothing better to do.

 

11 11 11, not necessarily true. I know that a number of people have had gender issues with a later onset.

In Australia, medically they class you in one of five categories, in terms of the basis of why you feel these things. From memory, the third one is late onset gender identity disorder. It can happen, and although it's more common to be an issue from childhood, GID in adults is just as valid, and just as real an issue. Don't feel out of place. If I can do anything to help, just let me know, yeah? This is a hell of a thing to go through alone.

 

Yeah well.

I don't even know if I'm going through it alone

I don't even know if anything's wrong with me


and even if it was, it dosn't matter - because I can't do anything about it

thanks for the offer though.

And it's not a hell of a thing to go through

it's just unusual.

---------- Post added 20th May 2012 at 12:17 AM ----------

At least that's my opion of the issues people with GID go through

assuming GID is an acutual disorder

---------- Post added 20th May 2012 at 12:19 AM ----------

Ahaha I dunno why I'm talking here - I made a thread about "what to do when you're done talking" precisley because I was DONE TALKING.

Hrm.

Guess I kinda suck at not talking.

oh well - not talking time now.

 

hey that is great you knew what you wanted, got it, and it is working!:eusa_clap
there are not a lot of pix of before/after for ftm, i see tons mtf. That is good what I see for becoming female that their faces can be redone so lovely. But many transmen i see look feminine guy or butch female. :/ i could not be happy in-between.

It is suprizing to me you feel calmer. I am not too emotional myself so not sure if it could make me calmer, like coma or pot, haha! But sexual appetite, I fear it getting worse, I already am too much inside. I'd likely have to get a gf fast!

Anyways I agree that exploring our gender identity is not going to hurt us, it can only result in 2 things: we discover we are just as we are, or we are different than our birth gender. What we freely choose to do about the latter one, if it be the case, is individual...but not unique.

---------- Post added 19th May 2012 at 05:58 AM ----------

I don't know what your mind and soul is going through, but it is something. that is enough. If you are on EC a year, and discover in the end you safe 100% straight, that is just fine! But i think exploring who we are and asking questions, going back and forth on wheat we believe is truth...i think that we are all doing it to some degree...so you are not going alone...where you end up, that God only knows. But keep in touch ok?

---------- Post added 19th May 2012 at 06:00 AM ----------

and obviously sleep patterns, i am not sleeping, maybe a few hours. and consumed with gender and sexual things.

any suggestions?

 

Can't help you with the sleep patterns I'm afraid.

I just stay up until my eyes fall shut of their own accord.

 

Mrm - glad you found this thread to be useful Anon.

I am kinda worried that we might be setting a bit of a trend here. I mean, I was a star student until a year ago, and I still hate myself for not being able to suceed at uni like I was 'supposed' to.

Isn't it slightly worrying that we're all saying: "Oh yeah, I suck at school too, and I don't sleep, but that's alright, because all the rest of you do too." ?

It would be horrible if we started to assume that just because we're having a slighty bumpier ride than we expected - we have an excuse to let our standards drop.