Not sure what to make of everything

I'm trying to think of the right words to say here.
I have many friends in the military, a few of them are gay or bi, only one of them is really out to everyone. I understand you not wanting to be out while still living in the barracks, that can be rough since you're surrounded by people and you have little to no privacy.

I think the things you can do in this situation is let the guy you're dating know your feelings for him and your worries about the situation. Maybe hang out more with groups of friends. Once you're out of the barracks things start getting a lot better, it just takes time.

You talk about wanting a "normal" relationship and worrying about society's perception of you. You'll learn that a lot of people on this site have similar problems. Society will get you down, the thing is at the end of the day this is your life. Your happiness. If being with a man makes you happy, there's nothing wrong with that. You say you want a wife and kids, there's nothing wrong with that either, that's kind of the dream we're pushed to wanting from the time we're born on.

I guess the point I'm really trying to get to is that coming to terms with yourself and sexuality is hard. Living in the barracks is hard. But don't let other people and society choose the way you live your life.

I hope that helped at least a little. Also if you ever need to talk feel free to message me, I live and work very closely to military folk so I have a taste of how frustrating it can be.

 

I can imagine how conflicted you are. Sharing that with your boyfriend is good. He should understand that we all come out on our own schedule - and it has to feel right for us.

You do have a live example of what it's like to be out to observe. Can't you take any comfort from his experiences? He is out and lives in the barracks - just like you would. Does that pose a problem for him? Do people give him a hard time?

I understand that we have all come from our own situation - and it's different for everyone. I would just think that you could draw some strength and confidence from him.

I bought into the whole 'Norman Rockwell life' that we were supposed to live. It actually didn't even occur to me that I was gay. I got married, had a couple of kids, but couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. And in my mid 30s had to finally admit to myself and others that i was gay. It took me a while to come out to everyone, but I eventually did. And I'm happier now than I've ever been. I'm married to a wonderful guy and we have a great life together - along with our 4 kids from our previous marriages, as we share custody with our ex wives. I still have my career, and he has his. We have a nice house and nice cars and go on holidays and shop at Costco. It's all good.

I understand that being in the military adds a level of stress or complexity to your situation. I'm an accountant, and my coworkers really don't care one way or another. They were usually surprised when I told them, as they knew I was married and have two kids. But then we carry on as normal. Only I get to talk about my 'husband' and what the two of us did on the weekend, rather than having to fake it or avoid such conversations.

Eventually this will all make sesnse to you. It just might take a bit of time. You've come to the right place though to talk through these things and get them off your chest.

 

Gay relationships are increasingly perceived an "normal." Being openly gay three years from now is going to be easier than being openly gay today, because society is progressing that fast in terms of accepting queer people. What about having a husband and kids and all the crap that comes along with that? It's not very different except that it hopefully wouldn't cost you your happiness.

 

Well, it's not easy to come out. It always seems too early or traumatic or dangerous, but one cannot hide forever! I'm sure when you get used to the idea in time, you will be ready to come out. Yep, it does not happen in one day, but if you prepare yourself and not just escape, eventually your confusion will come to an end. Even you will be surprised how confused you were once.

 

I can't say anything about the military, not having any experience with that.

So, I'm confused about something. Your boyfriend isn't out at work, but is out to people in the barracks? Somehow, that isn't making any sense to me.

You are experiencing shame. The thing about shame is that it is self-feeding: when you feel shame, you hide the truth about yourself, and the very act of doing so reinforces your shame and makes it worse. This effect is truly more powerful than anything anybody else says or does to you, in terms of your self-acceptance and how you feel about yourself. So, you are in a downward spiral of shame, because you keep reinforcing it.

But it can also work the other way: when you behave like someone who has nothing to be ashamed of, you reduce your shame and strengthen your self-acceptance. Having better self-acceptance results in greater openness, which reinforces self-acceptance. So, what you need to do is to start trying to do small things to turn the spiral in the other direction.

One thing you might consider is whether there is counseling available for you. I would think that there is. Counseling can be very helpful, because it is a controlled situation in which you can come out to someone (your counselor) who is ethically bound not to discuss your private business with others. The counselor can then work on your self-acceptance with you, and help you to slowly become more comfortable with the idea of letting other people know about you.

Do talk to your boyfriend about how you are struggling, and make sure to tell him how meaningful your relationship with him is to you. Ask him how he came to his current state of self-acceptance.

If there is even one friend you think you could tell, it would be a good idea, as well. Are any of your friends outspoken allies for LGBT people?