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Confused

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by alwayshope11, Apr 11, 2012.

  1. alwayshope11

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    It's definitely easier said then done...I feel like figuring out the label will help me come to terms with it..if that makes any sense...and I am scared that this is going to take me years to come to terms with/figure out.
     
  2. stilllovelyafte

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    You're actually right - having a label for something does help. I guess I found myself under so much pressure to find a label, I actually got myself more confused. I guess what I am saying, in my humble opinion, is to just open yourself up to experience, see what feelings arise and THEN label.

    I'm a big worrier by nature - so i ended up spending a ton of time with "what ifs" and analyzing thoughts and feelings. By removing my preoccupation with the question, "what am i?" I was able to lessen the pressure a bit and actually start to engage those around me and see what turned me on. Of course, this is all semantics - all that matters is that you are moving to a more authentic life that feels more like you.
     
  3. socalguitarguy

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    I definitely know what you mean. I've had some experience with OCD type symptoms too. A lot of rumination and obsessive "checking" and testing myself to try to figure out my sexuality. Part of the problem is sexuality is so much more complicated than the commonly accepted labels often allow for. I feel better now that I view the label as a kind of shorthand, a way to communicate your preference to others. It doesn't necessarily have to be 100% accurate, and it should be allowed to change if you find that your feelings change. For the past couple of months I've been dating guys exclusively, so for all intents and purposes I'm "gay." But because I'm still in the process of figuring myself out, I haven't definitively defined myself that way. Instead, I simply acknowledge to myself (and those I've come out to) that I'm attracted to guys and am currently dating guys. At some point I might feel comfortable calling myself gay, but even that doesn't mean I couldn't fall in love with a girl if the right one came along. Labels are a convenient way to talk about the sometimes chaotic thing we call reality. Remember, whatever you decide to call yourself: you define the label, the label doesn't define you.
     
  4. alwayshope11

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    That makes sense, socal....I just felt like I had to break up with my ex girlfriend cuz I needed to figure this out...and sometimes I feel like my only option to compensate for breaking up with her..someone I had thought I could see my life with..would be to be gay...if that makes any sense.
     
  5. socalguitarguy

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    Yeah, that totally makes sense. I was extremely reluctant to even give dating girls "a try" before I figured myself out. Don't feel like you have to make up for breaking up with her by defining yourself as gay, though. Only do it if it feels right. You have nothing to atone for, you did what you felt was right at the time. Sometimes it seems like life is a constant series of reevaluations, haha.

    Going back to the HOCD issue . . . here's why I wouldn't think that would apply to you. From what I've read about HOCD, a sign of it is often that the person doesn't actually seem to have a history of same-sex attractions or fantasies, but they still can't get the idea that they might be gay out of their head. I'm no expert so I don't know whether that's entirely accurate or not.

    Another part of your experience that resonates with me: waiting for that "AHA" moment. One time on my blog someone asked me what the "epiphany" was that I was waiting for. It was a good question. I responded that I wanted to actually meet a guy who I was physically and emotionally attracted to. Someone that it felt "right" to be with. I still haven't been intimate with a guy, but recently I started online dating to get out there and interact with guys. One guy in particular has really caught my interest. Unfortunately after three dates he decided he'd rather be friends, but I just hung out with him for half the day yesterday and I definitely like him a lot. If things had turned out differently I think I really would have liked trying to date him more seriously. So, that was a big clue. Another also happened this weekend: I went with a gay friend (that I met through the blogs) to a gay club. While watching the smokin' hot male dancers I thought to myself, "Self, would you like them better if they were women?" The answer was no.

    So I guess my advice would be: try to get out there more if you can and interact with people in the real world. Introspection only gets you so far.
     
  6. alwayshope11

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    Socal: That post helped a lot... I definitely did the right thing at the time.. I just keep second guessing myself. These past few days have been hard.. I feel numb to the whole issue... Its like a rollercoaster and sometimes I feel like I'm interpreting my feelings wrong... like if I think a girl is pretty or feel a bit of a sexual attraction to a girl I start thinking... how am I ever going to figure this out?!?! This makes me think I just had a gay porn addiction and since I've stopped looking, my brain is "re-setting" - but then I tell myself that is highly unlikely. My brain just goes crazy lol. I have been trying to put myself out there more but its hard because I'm not ready to let everyone know yet what I'm going through... I did recently tell a friend though and she still loves me :slight_smile: I just wish I KNEW... I'm impatient and dont like not knowing answers for sure, so this makes me go nuts!
     
  7. socalguitarguy

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    I'm glad I helped! :icon_bigg

    The uncertainty has been majorly frustrating for me too. At one time or another I went through the whole gamut, wondering if I was straight, gay, bisexual, asexual . . . haha. I remember writing on my blog one time that it felt like the different parts of my brain were fighting with each other.

    Talking to others has definitely been a big help to me. Think of your mind like a blender. You can mix all of the thoughts around all day long, but at the end of the day you still have the same mixture. Only when you seek input from the outside (other people's perspectives, experiences, opinions) will you get something new.
     
  8. alwayshope11

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    That is exactly what it feels like... like one day I will just be like ok im gay.. then the next day its maybe im straight.. then its maybe im bi...UGH lol. I have a therapist, so that has been helping me just to have someone to talk to in person...and this website is helping too. I know I just have to be patient but like I said, I am bad at that lol...if you don't mind me asking, whats your story?
     
  9. alwayshope11

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    So I feel like I'm in a new stage of my journey the last few days.. I kind of just feel numb to the whole experience and am not really feeling much sexual attraction to men as I usually do...and like I said earlier, feeling a bit to women.. Idk if its because I'm starting to accept myself and it is becoming normal to see men as attractive, or if maybe I'm really not gay. But either way.. the last few days have felt different...am I in a stage of grief? I'm not sure.. has anyone experienced anything similar on their journey? I'm not entirely sure what I mean.. I will try to clarify later if I can
     
  10. alwayshope11

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    Tonight I saw a pregnant lady and just wanted to cry because I realize I may not have a wife and kids ... I know I can still have kids.. but there just seems to be something about seeing your child born/having a pregnant wife... IDK.. I guess I just am having a hard time letting go of what I always assumed I wanted...
     
  11. Dalmatian

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    It's hard to let go of things you always regarded as given. I am not talking just about having kids, but the whole bunch. From my mind, it seems as though as a gay man I will be utterly alone in the future, no dinner parties with the wife, no Trivial pursuit weekends with friends and their girlfriends/wives, no barbecues and so on. Actually, I can't even see myself in a relationship with a guy.
    But I know that's ridiculous. Why would I ever think that finding a girlfriend (if I were so inclined) would be easy and just a matter of time, while finding a boyfriend seems impossible? Rationally, I understand it's not so, but my gut feeling tells me I am never going to find a boyfriend.
    And you know.. the answer is simple. I've spent my whole life with a single image of what life should be like. I don't know anything other and so I find it unlikely or even impossible.
    There's this guy I know who has been openly gay for over a decade and he is my age (and I am still mostly closeted and yet to have a gay relationship). His life actually works. He has more great friends as a gay man than I have as a gay man trying to live straight. The difference, I think, is that he lives his life as he feels he wants to and I live mine as I feel I ought to. I keep my friendships alive because that's what you do, while he loves his friends because they understand each other. I'm the one who's wrong. (now, I love my friends, and the picture I painted here is black and white although it's not really, but I hope you get the idea)

    So, whatever I do, I am not going back to wondering if I am straight. I know I am not. The only thing that can still push me back into confusion is depression and fear, but knowing that succumbing to that only takes me back to the beginning of the same miserable loop, I should be smarter about it. Easier said than done, of course, but for me it's a great breakthrough that I realize it.
     
  12. stilllovelyafte

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    Always - I had the same thing happen - once I left my ex, my same sex feelings became a lot more infrequent. I started finding women more attractive. It was very confusing, and I still haven't made much sense of it. I'm sort of trying to take it all lightly and just see what I feel, but it's been confusing.q
     
  13. socalguitarguy

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    If you want the link to my blog PM me. Basically I never dated girls in high school or college, and in college I started noticing guys a lot and had major feelings for my best friend freshman year. However I had long had crushes on girls, so I questioned whether it wasn't just insecurities and admiration that was the cause of my interest in the same sex. In addition, I seemed to have a bit lower of a sex drive than it seems most guys have, which made it hard to figure out definitely where my attractions were oriented. I usually describe it like a compass . . . hard to tell which way the needle is pointing if the needle isn't very distinct. I come from a rather conservative family and was pretty sexually repressed. For a while I thought I might be asexual, because I wasn't even really able to relate to people's descriptions of sexual attraction. I never was into porn and didn't masturbate until I was 20 years old. Yeah, I know, pretty crazy, huh? Part of it was for some reason I was really puritanical even though I've never been particularly religious. Also I just never talked to anyone about sex, so masturbation didn't even really occur to me. I didn't have a "raging hormones" phase.

    After years of blogging, therapy, and soul searching I began to lean toward the possibility that I was gay. I checked out guys way more than girls and realized that my crushes on girls had never really had much of a physical component, they were always more emotional/personality based. I opened up to several close friends and family members, which helped. This year I took more concrete steps by visiting a gay bar when I was out of town and making a profile on an online dating website. I've been on dates with about eight guys now. I'm enjoying meeting them, but figuring things out is still a work in progress. Most I haven't really felt much attraction for. One of them, however, I really like. We dated three times but unfortunately after that he decided he just wanted to be friends. I hung out with him last weekend and had a blast, and I find him physically attractive too. So at least now I know I really do have the potential to develop feelings and attraction for a gay guy. As for sexual attraction, these days I don't think I'm quite asexual, and don't wish to define myself that way. Sex isn't unappealing, it's just something I haven't had a strong drive for before. However, as I work on destigmatizing sex in my mind (catching up on some porn for instance, haha), I feel like I might be sort of activating my drive. I'm hopeful that once I find the right person my attractions will activate the rest of the way.

    On top of all that I'm a very over-analytical thinker, almost to the point of obsessive compulsiveness at times (though I'm trying to change that). I was a science major so I tend to gather a lot of evidence before coming to a conclusion about something. So you can probably tell why my sexuality hasn't been so easy for me to figure out, haha. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one, though I certainly don't wish this kind of uncertainty on anyone.
     
  14. alwayshope11

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    SoCal - I can't pm yet, but I would definitely like to read your blog...but I have obsessive thoughts too, so I know what your going through..and it suckss
     
  15. socalguitarguy

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    Ah yes, I wasn't aware of that quirk of this forum, it appears I can't PM regular members either. Hmm.
     
  16. alwayshope11

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    Yea.. you can't pm until you are a full member... hopefully I will be one soon
     
  17. socalguitarguy

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    Oh yeah, looks like you just need one more post! I've got a few more to go, haha.

    I'm really glad I found this website. So many people going through similar things. I love that we can help each other and support each other across vast distances.

    I wish that society was more accepting of same-sex relationships and had a more nuanced view of sexuality. That way if young people were unsure of what they liked they would be able to comfortably go out and date both sexes without worrying about being labeled prematurely, or walking past any "point of no return." That was definitely one thing that held me back. I didn't want to go out with guys because then I figured that would forever "mark" me even if I ultimately decided that wasn't what I wanted. It helped when I found a friend online who I talk on the phone to periodically. He identifies as bisexual and is currently focusing on dating guys. I asked him once if he ever worried whether dating guys now was closing off the possibility of dating girls in the future, since some girls might not want to date someone who is bisexual. He responded that he'd just have to find a girl that was okay with it. Which is true, what you'd want in a partner is someone who accepts you for who you are, who you can be completely honest with. Someone so closed-minded that they wouldn't accept someone who had attractions to the same-sex, would they really be the optimal partner?

    Also what you mention below about the possibility of having to give up the vision of your future that you always had . . . I can relate to that as well. Now I'm trying to keep a more open mind about what possibilities the future can hold. The whole "wife, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence" idea isn't the only pathway to happiness. It's just hard for us to imagine alternative paths since we have limited exposure to them. That's why I think seeking out stories and videos that capture loving same-sex relationships can be helpful. It provides your mind with more raw material for thinking about the future.

    Sorry for the ramble, haha.
     
  18. Sayu

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    I am confused too and I'm starting to hate this questioning status :frowning2:
     
  19. Lark

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    Just wanted to let you know you can add my name to the list of people who have 'been there'-in fact, I'm still there. It seems like every time I get things sorted out, a new setback comes along and screws it up.

    Right now, I probably would say I was a Kinsey 5 or something similar. But I still can't be sure, and it might be a while before I sort out my feelings.

    Here's hoping things become clearer for you in the future, and there's always plenty of people here on EC going through the same thing if you want to talk about it in the meantime :slight_smile:
     
  20. alwayshope11

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    No..that ramble was perfect... i love this website too because it really makes me feel less lonely. It makes me realize people understand what I am going through...because I am so scared of not being understood. But I agree with the whole point of no return concept you mentioned.. I often feel that way... Here is hoping for a clearer path to come soon..

    ---------- Post added 22nd Apr 2012 at 07:17 PM ----------

    I hope things become clearer for you as well...I'm very impatient so the waiting game is killing me haha

    ---------- Post added 22nd Apr 2012 at 07:26 PM ----------

    ME TOO! It's like.. just let me know one way or the other already haha