So, as some of you may know, I've been questioning for a while, exploring for the last 6 months or so. The more I explore, the less I've actually come to think I'm gay or even on the gay side of bi. Interesting development tonight - I was talking to a family member who made a comment - dad used to think you were going to "turn gay". He said, one day when dad was mad at you a few years ago, he made a comment that I should be thankful to him, because if not for him, I would have "turned out" gay. The ridiculous notion of people "turning gay" aside, I found this to be a bit of a thought provoking disclosure. Am I so confused because there was someone in my life paranoid of me being gay, trying to "work on" my orientation when I was just a kid with no idea of what I was? Did he see something in me before I did - i.e. he just had a sense I was gay? For what it's worth - having come out to my mom, I know she never had any inclination or indication of thinking I was gay (except for my dad suggesting it worriedly a few times). As for my confusion update - at this point, I still not have engaged a man physically, but i've gone to gay bars, chatted up gay people, watched gay porn, etc. - none of it really moving the needle to the same level or moreso than if it were with women...
For me, the 'confusion' was lies to myself: watching str8 porn pretending I was looking at the women (I was really turned on by the guys). Masturbating on magazines pretending I was looking at the women while I was really jerking off when looking at the guys, that kind of stuff. At that point, I really was unable to talk to anyone about it so I think it's great that you can express it, that's the most important I would say! I think it's going to come naturally as something you experience for yourself. I can clearly remember that I was 20 when I said to myself, ok, I'm gay and I'm going to stop lying to myself!
Well... your dad's attempts to make you "not gay" wouldn't have any effect on whether or not you're gay, but what *is* likely is that at some level -- even if not consciously -- you were aware that he disapproved, and that could be a *huge* driving force for your confusion. In other words, if you know, even if not consciously, how strongly he would disapprove, that could have you doing everything possible to deny, avoid, change, pretend it isn't the case... because at some level, you don't want to be a "disappointment" to him.
Thanks, Chip. I agree - his actions would not change my orientation. I also agree that it could be a huge driving force in my confusion. I just don't know where this leaves me now... I just want to have greater clarity about who I am and it does not seem to be coming. ---------- Post added 8th Apr 2012 at 03:49 PM ---------- One odd detail to add. In sharing this story with my mom, she told me my dad was fixated on this before I was born! I find all of this to be quite unbelievable. He was worried about the connotations of certain choices they might make on my life/orientation. Wow.
I want to reiterate Chip's response: "you were aware that he disapproved, and that could be a *huge* driving force for your confusion. In other words, if you know, even if not consciously, how strongly he would disapprove, that could have you doing everything possible to deny, avoid, change, pretend it isn't the case... because at some level, you don't want to be a "disappointment" to him." However, I will add this is a very simplistic conclusion. There is a hole lot of meaning in your confusion...I sense that there is pay off for you in this confusions. SP
Thanks Chip/Emerge. I agree to some extent - maybe I've internalized his disapproval of all of this, and I still am seeking out any reassurance possible that I am not gay? It's just so confusing! It's not like I don't like gay people (I have lots of gay friends - and I told people in my life with the intent of being one of them). I've since hung out at gay bars, etc. with a smile on my face and a willingness to experience whatever feelings/emotions arise. I guess to me, consciously, it seems like I'm very open to it all...