Hey, I'm 25 years old. I'm currently questioning my sexuality. I've always identified as straight before this. I've dated before but never very long. It seems to never work out. My latest one didn't work I believe because of my questioning...so I'd really like to figure this out. My dreams and fantasies have always been straight. Let's start off when I was young, I can't remember what age I was but at some point in my childhood I'm thinking around the age of 9-10 I went over to a family friends house and while my folks we're having dinner the boy wanted to play sex game and i went along with it. He was a bit older then I was and said it was ok. I felt weird about it I told him no when he wanted me to pee in his mouth. I felt weird about the whole thing. Me and my other male friends used to play some games where we pretended to be in relationships we saw on tv but nothing sexual really. So I started dating in grade 10 my first really sexual experience was in first year of university. I had trouble cumming which made me worry I was gay but I was also very drunk so I attributed it to that. I always checked out women on the street and everything was fine. The real issues started about a year ago...I was in a different town so a friend and I we're staying at another friend's house I met a girl that night but she didn't want to hook up that night so we just made out at the bar. That night I went to bed on the floor next to a buddy when I woke up in the morning and saw him I had a quick feeling like I wanted to cuddle. I felt weird about it and started worrying I was gay on the drive home itrusive thoughts came into my mind like holding his hand. Since then I hooked up with other women and had a cumming problem once again when drunk but came when sober. I also hooked up with a girl I didn't know which made me worry I contracted AIDS even thought I knew the chances we're very slim but this worry last for 3 months until I got checked out. Finally I've dated three girls in two months now and things didn't really work out with either so I started thinking maybe I'm gay. Been noticing guys a lot on the street and can't stop thinking about if I'm gay or not. I tried jerking off to gay porn 4 times in a week now. The first three times I couldn't get hard finally tonight I thought to really open up to the idea and do it for a while. I couldn't get hard until right before I came when I did. So now I'm very confused. I've always dreamed about being in a heterosexual relationship so is really throwing me into a tailwind spin. Very confused about everything and scared. So my questions are how do you really know? Anything I can do? Would a straight man be able to cum to gay porn? If I was only able to get hard right at the end does that mean anything? Thank you for your help. Sorry if this was a little run on but I wanted to get everything out there.
Based on what you wrote, I can't come to a definitive conclusion. If I had to guess, I would say you might be somewhere in the bisexual range. However, even though I don't have any real answers for you, here is a question that may help you find the answer for yourself. Just promise yourself that you will be brutally honest with yourself when determining your answer, no matter the result (you don't need to feel obligated to actually post your answer though). Take as much time as you need. The Question Imagine that you and a beautiful woman crash land on a deserted planet. Nobody knows where you are. On this planet is everything you and the woman need in order to survive comfortably for the rest of your lives. After finally accepting your total solitude and new life on the deserted planet, you notice the woman is showing interest in you, romantically. You already know that you have compatible personalities and get along great together. Would you choose to return the advances? Now, switch out the word "woman" for "man." What is your answer now?
Thanks for the advice. Still looking for other people's opinion. Been having some panic attacks a bit as this is all I'm thinking about.
Let me ask you this: Why did you decide to look at the gay porn? Did it seem interesting to you, or did you do it because you thought it would give you some answers and alleviate your anxiety? When you notice the men, does it feel like it does when you notice women? If not, what is the difference?
This is an important moment in your life right now, so it is natural to feel overwhelmed by it all. Just keep in mind that who you are hasn't changed. You are simply learning something new about yourself. And no matter the conclusion you come to, the world will keep on turning. So take a few deep breaths, relax, and take all of this at a pace you set yourself. You have no deadlines for discovering you.
You said you have trouble cumming when you hook up with women and that is one of the tell tale signs. However, you also have problem getting hard from watching gay porn. During the first three attempts of masturbating to gay porn, did it fail because you subconsciously reject the remote idea that you might be gay OR you're disgusted/ turn-offed by gay porn? The former suggests that you might be gay whereas the latter indicates that you are most likely straight. What about straight porn? Having any problems jerking of to it lately? Also, when you're watching straight porn, is your attention on the women? When you were having difficulty cumming with women in bed, was it because you had performance anxiety? or maybe as you've speculated, it's the alcohol. You said you start noticing guys on the streets. Sometimes people confuse admiration with infatuation. Do you want to be more like the guys you noticed (ie. emulate them) or do you actually want to get in bed with them? Ask yourself that. Are you experiencing any insecurity with your physical appearance as of late (perhaps one year ago when these feelings started)? Do you have any gay sexual fantasies lately? So far, your urges seem to be on a superficial level only (cuddling, holding hands etc.) and you did not mention gay sexual fantasies. There might be a different reason for that. Perhaps you can relate to guys better (as do most guys) and because of that, you're confusing admiration with infatuation. Repetitive failure in straight relationships might have also contributed to it. You might have been dwelling on a very small incident that you mistook to be gay in nature and you subconsciously started to dig deeper into it. From the sound of it, if you have always noticed women (and you still do?), you can't possibly be completely gay. At most, you might be bi but could very well be straight. I'm not ruling that out (you being straight) until new evidence proves otherwise. As for your panic attacks, just do something to take your mind off it. Working out helps (at least for me). I had the urge to correct your notion on AIDS but since it wasn't the main topic, I decided to skip it. ps: sorry for the long post. It might not have a coherent structure as I was just firing away.
Man, Canada, your experience sounds a lot like mine. Although my fears kicked in earlier in my life (though late as a general matter). I don't want to weigh in on the "are you gay?" question as truth be told, it is one I can't answer with great certainty for myself. In my questioning, however, and I've now really opened myself up to experiences - I've began to notice my thoughts are more of the - "what if I'm gay?" "does x mean I'm gay?" "do they think i'm gay?" "would i have these thoughts if i wasn't gay?" variety. From my conversations here and elsewhere, I am beginning to realize that my thoughts are not that of someone who is purely homosexual. I might be bisexual, I might be straight. There is not a persistent sexual/romantic desire to be with a man. There are on occasion thoughts/feelings about what it might be like to be with a man, but at least thus far, they are less powerful than their counterparts with women. I think the key for you now - and I really need to stress this - is not to let your head get in the way. You are in a cyclone of anxiety. You are allowing your mind to run in circles trying to decipher some very human/animal level emotions. I spent years wrestling with the question "what if I'm gay?" etc. without actually listening to my body and the feelings it was presenting to me. I know this is something that is incredibly difficult to do - for someone who envisions and hopes for a heterosexual relationship to stay in the moment thinking about the feelings or thoughts that are intrusive or disturbing - believe me I've been there. But if you can do it, if you can avoid running from the anxiety, or trying to stuff away the thoughts, you will find your answers - gay, straight, or otherwise (At least I hope so - for my sake as well as yours).
Thanks for the help support and advice everyone. I think I might just be going through a rough stage, I have anxiety about a lot of things. Can't seem to clear my head from them. Not sure about my sexuality at all right now but I think I'm going to stick with heterosexuality as it feels more comfortable and right for me. I'm seeing a therapist right now for my anxiety and have told her about my feelings. We'll be working on my feeling and emotions. Thanks again.
Feel free to msg any of us (or i should say, me) on our (my) wall if you ever want to chat. You're not the first person to be in this confused phase. When anxiety (is involved, things can get tricky and tough to understand - just try and cut yourself a little slack and look at what you're experiencing lightly.
Hey just wanted to kind of touch base again. Visited with my therapist but we didn't touch on this issue as I'm mainly there to work on some health anxiety I've had. Everything was alright for about 4 days, a bit of questioning but generally feeling alright but coming home tonight I was just set off again. Really spiralled out of control. The issue came up because I was thinking about my body. You see I have large areolas and also have back dimples both things I consider to be femanine features. So then I started thinking what that means. Does it mean I'm gay. I googled pictures of back dimples and men and those pictures we're only more feeding into my worry as most of the men who had back dimples were femanine looking in my mind. I spiraled into what I consider a small panic attack...really struggling right now. I had a first date with this girl on the weekend. Things went alright, we got a lot great she's not really exactly my type normally but she came over and we made out. I stayed hard the entire time but did not get off from the handjob she gave me. I did consume quite a bit of alcohol on the date though. I'm really not sure where I stand now...panic is kind of taking over my life and I'm stuck between thinking maybe it's hocd or maybe I'm just denying my true feelings. I understand no one can really tell me but I was hoping someone could offer up some advice or an opinion. Thanks again.
No, it does not mean you are gay. It also doesn't mean that you are not gay. Physical appearance has nothing to do with weather or not you are gay. Likewise, neither do your hobbies, interests, mannerisms, etc (unless, of course, one of those includes ogling guys). Here is a secret that should not exist: "There are no rules to being gay or straight." A man could fit into a hundred different gay stereotypes and still be completely straight. Likewise, a man could fit into zero gay stereotypes, but still be into men and not women. The one and only requirement for being a straight man is to be interested in women, but not men. Hopefully that helped in some way and didn't sound like a rant.
