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My Crush Turned Into a Nightmare.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Leo1993, Mar 13, 2012.

  1. Leo1993

    Leo1993 Guest

    In Some of my earlier posts I mentioned that I wanted to come out and I had a crush on another gay guy from my school. Eventually I did tell about 9 people and my crush asked me out, but it turned bad, fast. Here's what happened.

    So after I told my friends and all that, my crush asked me out a week later even though I mentioned I didn't want to date for a long, long time, im not comfortable yet( He didn't care and he knew I had a hard time telling people no). We went on a 'date' I guess you could call it and I thought that was all he wanted from me, and he was becoming very mean after that. (according to my friends he was mean before I just didn't notice). We texted back and fourth often and I told him that I wanted to go slow, really slow, im not completely out (I'm also afraid of commitment, don't know why) yet and he was happy with whatever I wanted, and said he'd like that to. He would always ask me to come over to his house and I was afraid and said no. One day his mom asked my mom and they agreed that I would spend the night after another friends party was over. I was mildly drunk, sick and very tired and when we got to his house he said he would let me sleep. That didn't happen.

    When his mom left us alone, he literally jumped on me and we fell on the bed, I didn't like that. I tried to push him off but he was just stronger then me so I couldn't. I told him to get off me, i just want to sleep, and he said to kiss him and he would let me sleep, I did and he let me roll out from under him and to my side of the bed and I fell asleep not long after. The next thing I remember is waking up with my shirt off, the light on and my pants undone. I panicked. I couldn't find my shirt so I did up my pants quick and then discovered my shirt was behind me and put it on again. at this point I noticed he had everything off but his boxers, and I was freaked out. He was just smiling at me and asked if something was wrong, I just put my blanket back on and over my head and I heard him click the light off. I think I fell asleep again.
    What I remember next I wont say all of it. He had my hands pinned under me so I couldn't get out and somehow we had switched places in the bed. he was..doing things to me. I didn't want them done at all. I kept saying no, stop and all I heard back was yes, yes, yes, and that he "deserved it after all, we'd been 'going out' for 2 weeks now". I think I'll stop here. So much more happened but I can't bring myself to say it all, i don't cry over anything but I guess this is an exception.

    I don't even know if I should be posting this or be allowed to post this. but I have to tell someone because I can't help feeling stupid and idiotic. I ask myself every day "why didn't I just get up and leave? call my parents to come get me? why did I just roll over and not leave? even though I told my friends partially what he did to me, I can't help but feel alone. My friends have tried to help me but its hard with them not knowing it all. after I told them we kicked him out of our little friend circle, but he wont leave. He's started to stalk me because he thinks he did nothing wrong.
    I'm not sure if there is anything you can say about my situation but any support will be nice, I could use a lot of it. I still feel like crap. I might have left somethings out that are important, idk im tired, can't really see and i just want some help. Thanks :icon_sad:
     
  2. Koll

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    If you didn't consent to it, isn't it rape?
     
  3. stupidIvan

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    Yes, yes it is.

    Homosexual or not, rape is rape, and consent is consent: and you said no. A few times apparently.

    It's not your fault that you didn't leave: he shouldn't have even thought of doing those things to you. You were afraid, and I don't blame you.

    I would definitely tell someone about this (authority), this is a pretty dangerous situation and I don't want to see you hurt anymore than you already have been!
     
  4. TruffleDude

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    It's a good idea to punch, kick, bite, mace and/or taser the dude if he doesn't back off. There is no need to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Go to the police, this scumbag needs to be behind bars. If you are afraid of going to the police because of being outed, protect yourself from future attacks by avoiding this person, and I would go as far as saying arm yourself with mace/taser. A female friend of mine is a stripper, and puts mace in her hand when walking to her car at night. It may also be wise to let others know so that another guy won't get caught in his web. That being said, there are a lot of nice gay guys out there. Guys who will stop getting frisky and ask you what you are feeling, and what you really want out of the relationship between the two of you, if they even sense something is wrong in your mind - regardless of how hot and heavy they are getting.

    Let us know what you decide to do, and how things work out.
     
  5. Cascade

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    That's terrible!

    It isn't your fault for not leaving, don't blame yourself. He is the one who did it while you were protesting.

    I agree with the above posters, you should tell someone of authority because what happened is rape, which has no justification. Especially now that he is following you.
     
  6. TruffleDude

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    For anyone reading this thread in the future, who may have gone through something similar, please get tested, and consider HIV-PEP - information is available at this link.

    A very good friend of mine once had a partner tell him he was sero-positive (for HIV), after unprotected sex, and after saying he was clean. My friend took the HIV-PEP regimen, and to my knowledge never underwent sero-conversion (keep in mind this doesn't always work to prevent sero-conversion).
     
  7. Filip

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    (*hug*)

    Really, the others are right: it is rape, and you should inform the authorities of it. It's the best way of making sure he doesn't do this again, to you, or to anyone else.

    It's definitely not your fault that this happened. A simple "no" should be enough, really. And if you're faced with such a situation so out of the blue, it really isn't strange that you couldn't think of any alternative.
    Self-defense and assertiveness are all good and well, but this does not mean that you should ever rely on them. He knew the boundaries, and decided to trample all over them, so it's his responsability and his alone.

    Now, informing the authorities about it is not the easiest thing to do, but really: this isn't the first situation of the kind they see. They know how to be discreet when you want them to. and they can make sure the proper actions get taken against this guy.
    Should going to the police bee too big of a step, you should at least go to your school's councilor, who should also know how to be discreet, and can help you take the necessary ctions, or at least start out by just listening.

    That's the practical side. But really: don't beat yourself up over it. You had real bad luck, but you're not at fault here. This also doesn't mean any other guys you meet will be like this. I'm still sure you'll eventually meet a wonderful guy who'll consign all of this bad stuff to distant memory.

    Above all, while I can't offer you a real-life hug, I do hope this virtual one helps: (*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  8. Caoimhe Fayre

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    I'm really sorry, first of all, that you had to go through this experience at all and second of all, that it was your first experience. I wish I could beat that guy to a pulp for it. I agree, what happened is rape.

    Whether or not you go to the authorities is up to you. I won't push you on that, because my little sister went to the authorities in my hometown after she was sexually assaulted and they couldn't do anything because of her communication-based learning disability that would make it difficult to put her on a stand in court. But I've heard that our local police here fumble these types of cases a lot.

    But what I will say is this; if you can, you might want to get some counseling to help deal with the trauma of what happened to you. We can all listen, and sympathize, and do our absolute best to help. But it really would be best if there were someone there for you to talk your feelings out with, someone who is trained and who will be better equipped to help you through this.

    If you have a local sexual assault survivors clinic, they should be an excellent resource and will be able to help you deal with the different feelings that come as a natural result of being sexually assaulted like that - a lot of people who help at those clinics are survivors themselves, so they'll be able to empathize and to guide you through the healing process.

    Thank you for telling us. That must have taken a lot of courage to type that up and post it. Just remember - you did nothing wrong. He did. And we are all here for you.
     
  9. Leo1993

    Leo1993 Guest

    Thank you guys, no this wasn't easy to type out, I almost deleted it and gave up.

    2 friends have suggested I go to the police and I want to its just...embarrassing. You don't hear often of guys getting raped, you know? and I think I'll feel worse once I tell more people about it. Yeah I am kinda scared of being outed if I say something to anyone, im in a small town and word spreads easy. Maybe i'll talk to a counselor if I can muster the courage.
    I'm trying to tell myself it was his fault but the replay in my head of that night just shows me all the things I did wrong and what I should have done.
     
  10. momluvsu

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    Leo1993, have you thought of calling a Rape Crisis Hotline? I'm thinking they have had similar calls in the past and maybe could help you.
     
  11. Spectre

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    Here's something to consider: what if he does the same thing to some other guy down the road, and you could have stopped it here and now? Even though you feel bad now, wouldn't you feel worse later in life having not said something?

    This statement runs contrary to many people's experience; things tend to get better, and people tend to get over emotional experiences more quickly when they talk about them. Otherwise, issues can fester and cause greater problems later on.
     
    #11 Spectre, Mar 15, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2012
  12. stupidIvan

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    This isn't about whether a man or a woman got raped, rape should have no gender bias. This is all about your safety, and what he did to you: that's what's important. If you are uncomfortable with telling the police, I would, like other posters said, keep a protective weapon (mace is great), and perhaps call a hotline.

    You will actually feel better when you get to telling more people. Mind that you don't have to right away or anything, no no no! However, hiding it all and balling it up and putting it away forever is not good for you in any way.

    Wish you luck, and I'm so sorry for what has happened.
     
  13. silkfrog1292

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    Guys getting raped happens all the time, furthermore embarrassment is not what you should be conerned with right now. I agree with Spectre, you need to speak out to prevent other people from being hurt by this...this monster.

    In addition, judging by his behaviour after the "ordeal" i believe his disposition is extremely dangerous. The aim of rape for him is not sexual gratification- it's manipulation and power.
    that makes your need to go to the police even more imperative. You may be in danger if you don't
     
  14. jimL

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    Leo, I'm very sorry for what happened. This is something that will be with you for a very long time, but please don't blame yourself. I'm not even going to suggest what you should do, only you can decide what you can live with. Being in a small town and not being out, even though it shouldn't matter, it does, it complicates things even more. When I was 16 I was put into a situation that put me in fear for my life. I agonized over what I should do. I finally did go to the police, which didn't make the situation any better but the person did pay for what he did. Looking back, I could have gone either direction. Good luck with however you decide to handle this.....just don't blame yourself, I did at the time and now I know it was in no way my fault.
     
  15. Noir

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    That's awful!! I'm so sorry that things went so badly for you! You didn't deserve that at all, and I agree, it sounds like rape!

    Remember, you're not stupid or idiotic. I think it was pretty pathetic of him to take advantage of you like that. Don't be ashamed, even if it makes you feel that way. I know I would be beating myself up about it if something like that happened to me, but I doubt anyone can really see these things coming, you know? Otherwise they would be prevented a lot more. I don't really know what to say except that I'm sorry and that I wish you better luck in the future! (*hug*)
     
  16. Leo1993

    Leo1993 Guest

    Thanks again for all the help. Last night I told the rest of my friends what he did to me so they know why I've been avoiding him. They have my back on this and have agreed to help me if he keeps trying to talk to me, none of them are pleased with him right now. Maybe once he leaves me alone I can forget this.
    But if he doesn't and if I keep feeling worse, I will try a hotline, I like that idea. If needed I'll take your advice on the mace too.

    what kind of scares me is if I don't tell the police he very well could hurt someone else and I would feel very awful, I'll have to think about this more.
     
  17. No One

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    First off, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You are in no way responsible.

    I'm sorry to say that the reality is that no matter how much you want to forget about it, you wont. Pretending it didn't happen will only create more problems, believe me I know from experience. The best thing you can do is turn him in and make sure that he can never do anything like this again to anyone. People like him dont stop just because a victim has removed themselves from their reach; he's likely to just find another person.

    I am so sorry that he did this to you, and I wish I could tell you that you really will be able to forget it, but all you can do it learn to accept that it happened and slowly put the pieces of your life back together.

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  18. davidallen

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    im sorry that has happend to u i can relate i was raped by my best fried who i had a puppy love crush on i wont go into details but him and his brother both raped me when i was 10 years old i still havent really got over that but i do know it gets a little better with time
     
  19. insidehappy

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    this is called date rape. it is very hard to prove especially when alcohol has been involved. the burden of proof is typically on the survivor and should you decide to bring this to the proper authorities, you will need to be prepared for very personal questions regarding this. you mentioned you said no and told him to stop during the act so the fact he continued is a violation of your will at the time. however, in situations where things are brought to the authorities, its basically your word against his since it does not sound like you went to the hospital following for a documented rape analysis and exam where they could take pictures of the area and exam to see if a violation may have occured. also you mentioned that alcohol was involved. so people will try and make it seem like you may not have the full story correct or that your judgement and memory may be off. this was not your fault. no means no. however, if u do decide to pursue this, you will have to dredge up a lot of stuff that you may or amy not want to do. my advice is to contact a rape hotline and see what your options are and what would be inviolved if you decide to move forward with this. also, you need counseling. you are not to blame. if u do not decide to pursue this, then make sure you get the cousneling and medical support you need. also, people can or will say what you should or shouldn't have done but noone will know unless tehy are in your shoes. as far as beating yourself up, we all make mistakes.
     
    #19 insidehappy, Mar 16, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2012
  20. fiddlemiddle

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    If you feel you are uneasy telling the police straight maybe there is an gay and lesbian police liaison officer. Yet you should tell someone even what momlovsu suggested with the Rape Crisis Hotline.