Hey all. I've been with my guy for about 4 months. Things are great but I havea few questions when it comes to sex. First off, he's not an overly sexual person. He masturbates probably once a week while I do it at least once a day. When we're together we get off 3-5 times in a weekend, so I have no complaints there. I'm just confused bc initially he said that he was a bottom but since we started dating he sometimes complains that bottoming hurts, sometimes a lot. Whenever he says this I stop, but he'll tell me to keep going, which I don't. The confusing part is that he's always rock hard during sex and I've even made him cum on three different occasions just by him riding me, not even touching his dick!! I'm starting to think that part of him feels guilty for liking anal sex bc it makes him more gay. We're both bi, very masc and dl but he often jokes that he knows I look at him as the fem one, which I don't. Ive asked him why he bottoms if he doesnt like it and he says that hes doing it for the other person... Maybe he really doesn't like bottoming? Maybe he's pretending he doesn't? He doesn't really like talking about sex so idk what I should do...input?
Maybe it's not the sensation of anal sex that he enjoys, but the fact that he's getting you off that way that he likes. If he didn't enjoy something about it, and you're not forcing him to do it (which it definitely seems like you're not) then he wouldn't do it. Clearly if he finishes from it there's something going on in his reptile brain that likes it and finds it really hot, and my guess is that's getting you off that he likes. You should try to talk to him about this. It's kindof irresponsible to have sex and not talk about it sometimes. Clear communication is key in any happy relationship or fulfilling sexual experience. He might get uncomfortable about it, but it sounds like you're getting uncomfortable with having sex with him. Just be honest and ask that he is too!
It can be awkward to discuss but Taylor is right... the best solution is to be really open with him and discuss it. Bottoming is one of those things where positioning, technique (and, to some extent, size) make a difference. And there's also a psychological aspect to it; if he isn't a very experienced bottom, he may be having some difficulty relaxing fully to be able to enjoy it. I know several bottoms who it took them some time to learn to fully relax, and before they learned that, it was an odd mix of painful and pleasurable. I also wouldn't completely discount what you said, that he might somehow be uncomfortable (psychologically) with bottoming, but if so, I doubt he'd be open in telling you that, and it might not even be a conscious thing. So I wouldn't necessarily go there first, but just talk about it in general, and maybe also engage him in the idea of trying some different positions and approaches, or even a different lube. It may sound weird, but the more you can be open with your communication, the better the experience can be for the both of you.
I can see someone being uncomfortable with the *idea* of bottoming, but still like doing it. It could create the feeling that you're the "woman," especially if you're nervous about that sort of thing. Of course, asking which guy in a same-sex relationship is "the woman" is a bit like asking which chopstick is the fork, but some people (even gay people) do think that way. On the other hand, it seems like a lot is going fine, sexually. I'd be hard pressed to agree that he's doing it "just for you" - he seems to genuinely enjoy it and your sex lives sound pretty healthy. Sometimes it does hurt a little bit, but in a good way, and if he doesn't want you to stop, and it doesn't seem to be hurting him *too* bad, then don't stop. You could also look for different/better supplies, depending on what you're using. Maybe he could just explore other ways of thinking of himself as a "guy," at least until he's more comfortable with the idea of bottoming. Personally, I always took the expression "take it like a man" very literally and seriously for being bottom. Which is maybe funny, but I also mean it.
Well, here is the thing. Whether bottoming hurts or feels awesome depends on how much you are into it. Seriously. If you are not into it and not in the mood, some people find it highly uncomfortable. It's pleasurable when you can get into that magical, eyes-glazed-over state of mind in which you could get off on just about any stimulation, period. And the difference, for me, is like night and day. When I'm not into it, it's not just uncomfortable, but it's a buzz-kill. If I'm into it, it's cooler than an LSD trip and twice as interesting. A lot depends on what the foreplay was, whether we had a romantic dinner or not, etc.. Everything figures in. Some aspects are purely psychological, but you could also change the whole experience by whether or not you use an off-brand of the same kind of lube. Oh, and it means the world if you can make him feel attractive. Not necessarily "fem," just...desirable. That is the biggest factor, I think.
Well sounds like somebody is good at sex lol! No seriously though you need to sit him down and have a chat with him about why he might not like bottoming. Voice these same concerns to him and see what he has to say about it.
Sounds like hes worried about losing his 'manliness' for whatever reason. Have you ever bottomed for him? Would you ever do that?
I can't remember which book I read this in, and if you press me for specifics I will search for the details, but bi, self-described "masculine" (Remember, the idea of what is masculine and what is feminine is culture bound and not a matter of nature in this case.), or DL guys generally have more trouble successfully integrating gay-feelings/sex into their identities. Meaning, they feel worse about themselves for having any gay-ness, than do people who ID as gay or versatile. It seems clear he is projecting his thoughts of himself as feminine onto you - thus he says "you think I am the fem". When I read your post, I had the sense that what was going on was psychological, and could be over come with some cognitive reframing.
Thanks for the replies guys. Na I never bottomed for him. Im open to it, and we've experimented but I always pussy out, so to speak haha.
Well, if he feels like any part of the reason you end up not doing it is because you think it's feminizing, that would probably be why he thinks you think that way about him. If you can't bring yourself to do it, you might want to ask him if there's anything else you can do that will reinforce his sense of masculinity.
Hi everyone. So my guy came over this weekend and he really seemed to enjoy the missionary position (btw didn't think that missionary would work well with two guys, but we both had fun) this was the first time that I feel like we had real sex. Not that the other times were fake haha, but I feel like we really made love this weekend. It was at times very sweet but it was also really intense. We were louder than usual and he seemed to like it pretty rough. I hope my roommate didn't hear anything haha. The best part for me was when we were really going at it and and started saying he loved me. Awesome. Also, finally got him to admit that it feels good when he's riding me, which was nice to hear. I told him that I wish he'd embrace it and that it doesn't make him more gay. We both laughed pretty hard after, but I think he's getting more and more comfortable. He's 6 yrs younger than me, and I understand that he needs time to figure some things out. I really want to try bottoming with him though. Any suggestions for a novice? I've only ever had a toy up there a few years ago, and experimented with fingers. Ive had 2 guys try and fail bc i was too uncomfortable I guess. To be honest, the thought of bottoming is probably what I like more than the physical act itself., but I'd like to give it a good shot, with him.
yea the dude seems like he likes you enough to want to try things. if i recall correctly he is the one with the kid (newborn). so think about it. you just had a kid, you're dl, this is your first relationship with a dude, and you're bi. so riding someone and being a bottom which is perceived by some as being teh "girl" or the more "fem" one may be a lot to for this guy to take in (no pun intended) considering all the other factors. mentally, he may have an issue with admitting he likes riding because he probably has perceived that as a female thing to do to a male. at any rate, i think if he felt that you were willing to do the same things he was willing to do, it would make him more comfortable about sex and make him feel like you're not asking him to do anything you dont want to do. im sure others will give you advice on how to do it as i have no clue, but i do think you should equal out the playing field a bit and give him a chance to see you do the same things he has to do.
