"You don't act gay"

I really identify with this. Except for me it was playing the guitar. I never really did the whole social dating thing in highschool. I just wasn't interested.

 

when people say you dont act gay they are saying you do not act effeminate and flamboyant.

the media and society loves a great caricature of what being gay is. also, there are people that are effeminate and flamboyant and are gay. i believe some people are born like this and i believe some people "adopt" effeminate accents, mannerisms, and behaviors because it may be easier to "fit it" with other gay guys. Also, people who are unsure of theirselves tend to act and behave and speak like their friends. so if your friends are effeminate or butch and you're new to being gay, you may want to "adopt" their culture so you can fit in with them because in your mind, 'that's what being gay is".

i believe the very statement: "you dont act gay" is a key reason why there are so many masculine guys that are in the closet, in denial, and married and struggling with their sexuality because society and the media doesn't offer many examples and role models for these guys to pattern theirselves after. for most men, their manhood and masculinity is a big thing for them and they do not want to be viewed as being weak or girlish and when society depicts gay men as such, it turns these same masculine men off to ever coming out because they fear teh label and association.

it's like telling a black guy: "you don't act black" because he is not glorifying a negative image of black people that is on television. or my personal favorite, "you speak very well". that is a back handed compliment that basically means, "i think most people like you do not speak well, you are the exception...good job". the same thing applies for the statement about "you dont act gay".

my view is that as more poeple like you feel free to come out, more and more men will see that "ok, i can be gay, i can be me, and i do not have to fit into some gay box or gay mannerism that society or the media depicts".

for me, i had things that seemed "gay"

1. i was good in school and bad at sports..usually that would get you a "nerd" label in jr. high and high school but some girls thought i was cute, so to the other guys that also equaled the "F" word.

2. i was socially awkward around other guys for a long time....That meant that in high school i was supscious because females seemed to like me. Since guys usually talked about me negatively, it made me very socially anxious to be around them...always waiting for an insult to come.

3. I did not like sports = gay in many people's mind.

4. I did not have a girlfriend for a while = gay in many people's mind.

5. my voice didn't change/get deeper until much later than the other guys = gay in thier mind.

6. growing up i started to like to dress and be neat = gay in girls mind...your belt matches your shoes...gay.... lol. people can be really stupid.

my point is, there is so much pressure for men and especially men of certain cultures to be hypermasculine that anything outside of that gets you a label.

so basically people were labeling me as gay and calling me gay long before i really had a chance to know for myself what i liked or didn't like. it was like it was thrown in this box that sometimes I wonder if it made me start accepting the things people said about me. i wonder if things were differnt and if other guys were more accepting of me and not calling me gay/the "f" word and all of those things, if i never would have been interested in guys or if it would have been something that was just a fleeting interest. did they scare me, was i already like that..i dont know.

 

I dont want to fit the stereotype, in fact i take measures to avoid it. I want people to see me for who I am, not what I am. Especially as I want to go into the public sector.

But yes, it does essentially mean you mix with more straight people and don't pick up as many possible "dates.

 

I have a hard time figuring out the stereotypes i did fit. I would never admit I loved watching the golden girls because that would "be gay". Also had to make sure the blinds were down when watching Buffy and Angle. Now its glee.

 

i didn't know watching the golden girls was gay?

 

Well, watching anything called "golden girls" isn't very manly. Can you imagine the Marlboro man telling you the funny thing Blanch said to Rose on last nights episode?

 

When I first came out to myself, I had a hard time figuring out who I was. I had this strange notion that now that I had identified as gay, I had learn how to "be gay". - You know, to let "the real me" out for some air so to speak. (I didn't think I was gay enough to be called gay.) I immersed myself in as much online gay culture as possible - movies, tv shows, news articles, blogs, etc. I had my friend's gf help me buy new clothes that were more fashionable, suggest things to do with my hair, etc. I had this notion that who I was up to that point was just a facade to throw people off, and that I needed to explore who I really was.

What I eventually ended up doing in the end was returning to exactly who I was BEFORE coming out... except that (important) people knew I was gay, and I was ok with that.

Weird eh?

 

Interesting...

I actually had to look up this Marlboro man to find out who he was. He didn't look that typically "manly" to me, just way, way overdone.

... and I always thought of watching the "Golden Girls" as kind of neutral. I mean, I remember going to friends' houses and they'd be sitting on the couch watching it and laughing. We didn't go out of our way to LOOK for the show, but we didn't avoid it because it was too feminine either.

Maybe it's another "cultural" thing.

 

i will never understand the glorification of traditional masculinity over femininity. In reality traditional or stereotypical masculinity is a bunch of bs and really a source of a lot of problems in our society.

 

Well, see, that's exactly it. It's a problem for those of us who fall on the feminine spectrum, but the traditionally masculine men don't care. They're the ones who uphold the societal structure that values traditional masculinity over femininity, that value heterosexuality over homosexuality, etc. Traditional masculinity needs to be upheld as a value by those traditionally masculine men (the patriarchy) who who make everyone the Other; these men are the norm, and everyone else is the Other, and therefore inferior.

So, that's why women, queer people, people of color, etc. are marginalized. But the structure is upheld to oppress the Other as much as it is used to propagate the species--straight men need to make women (and by women I mean people with internal reproductive organs, it's just easier to say women) inferior to control fertility. I mean, why else would heterosexuality be so normalized? Because the people who control society need to propagate it, and to do that, they need to subjugate and control those who propagate the species (ie women--and again, by women, I mean people with internal reproductive organs. I don't like to use women as a catch-all for people with internal reproductive organs, though, since that undermines the existence of women who don't have internal reproductive organs.).

 

yea saying you liked or watched BRAVO channel used to be code for being a closeted gay. but now with the popularity of Top Chef you can be straight and still like the Bravo channel.

 

I watched a GG reunion and they talked about their LGBT following. There have been several gay characters on the show (Blanch's brother and his partner, house keeper, wedding planner, sculptor at Blanch's museum, Dorthy's best friend in college.) etc...

Of course the show appeals to tons of people gay or straight.