Struggling to find my identity

yeah, i feel ya on that too

 

It can be hard to tell the difference between dating and hookup websites. If all the questions you have to answer to fill out your profile are sexual questions, it's probably a hookup website; if you have to fill out big sections about things like whether you want children and how much do you drink or smoke, and "what would your ideal date be like," it's probably a dating website geared more toward people who are looking to actually get to know people and possibly develop a relationship.

If what you really want is a relationship, it's a good idea to go on one of the dating sites, and make it clear in your profile that that is what you are looking for. You will get fewer responses on a dating site, and looking for a relationship, but they will be responses that are more what you are looking for and worth your time.

There are always more people looking for hookups than relationships. That's because hookups are short, so, really, people who prefer them are not out of the market for very long--and, people looking for relationships sometimes like hookups in the meantime as well.

A person who likes (and is good at) being in a relationship will not be on the market very often--such people spend more time in relationships than out of them. So there just aren't as many people like that in the dating pool.

They do exist, though--you just may have to be a little more patient.

 

Late to the party, but it always feels good to commiserate!

Personally, I do sometimes think I was actually too successful on filling up my life with all kinds of stuff to do to avoid facing the fact that I was gay or trying on dating.
Meaning that, after actually figuring it out, I'm actually not all that inclined to actively go out looking for gay friends or dates. It's an uncertain prospect, with risk of failure, while I just know that hanging out with friends, or doing sports, or gaming, will be fun every time (or at the very least passable and wihtout risk of embarrassment). I just never seem to rack up the level of lonelyness (let alone desperation) to actually change my normal routine.

Add to that that, on the few times I did actually meet up with gay people (usually friends of friends), fitting in was a bit of a chore. Most of them tried (with the best of intentions), to relate on the "gay side" of things. And then we just ended up staring at each other when realising none of the ice-breaking anecdotes they told struck a chord with me, while my defining gay anecdotes usually were about coming out, which was 15 years ago to most of them.
Which means, ironically, that while I have a few gay friends, we're usually friends for any reason except both being gay xD

On the whole though, I'm still figuring slow and steady will win me the race eventually...

 

Congrats on accepting yourself .

 

It does when your life settles into a comfortable routine. When you've found a semi-comfortable little niche for yourself in life, even if you want more, it takes quite a bit of effort to step out of that comfort zone into an unknown situation. Changing things up can be quite stressful. Sometimes it DOES take desperate times to take desperate measures.

 

Well, the situation I keep going back to is that I'm really not unhappy as it is. Essentially, it's the same straight life I had before coming out, with added benefit that I now know my friends like me for me, rather than for straight-me.
And compared to being happy as it is, it seems like a chore to forego on fun activities with friends for the uncertain prospect of "finding a gay identity"

Essentially, the main reason I'd need for actively searching out gay people to socialise with would be that my normal friends wouldn't understand me or be supportive enough. But that's not a problem I have. In fact, usually they're the ones who are insatiable about discussing my sexuality, what it's like to come out, etc...
And, as I mentioned above, when socialising with gay people, I didn't feel all that much more of a connection (Ironically, I feel it when I know someone is gay, but it seems to dissipate when I actually get talking)

The main reason I'd need for dating would be lonelyness or some kind of physical desire to have a boyfriend around. But I'm not really feeling that right now. "Meh, let's try it out" is not quite enough to get me going on dates with people I don't know yet

Obviously, then you might ask "then what's the problem? Why are you complaining about not wanting to change things if you don't want to change things?".
And I guess there it's mostly that vague feeling I have that, had I come out ten years ago, I would have had the drive to do that. Or worse, that ten years from now, I might regret not changing things now.

Also, and by the way, it's not my intent to hijack this thread. We might be moving on from the original topic here...

 

Talking about this and talking about my country(Brazil)(and I believe is the same for the rest of others countries, probably in different proportions), I have some oficial datas from Brazilian Government:

52% of gay man have more than 11 years of study; only 25% of heterossexual mens have the same years of study.

Grupo Pela Vidda - AIDS.ORG.BR >> in Portuguese

1.4% of gay couples are rich, against 0.4% of straight couples
3.77% of gay couples are upper midle class, against 1.05% of straight couples

LGBT people in Brazil - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia >> In English