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I don't want to be gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kellymporta, Dec 29, 2011.

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  1. Tracker57

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    Married gay guy here! My wife is my best friend. I married her when I did not understand my sexual orientation and thought I could "cure" myself. But a key component of our relationship is missing. Sex has always been difficult or work for me. I thought this was normal: straight sex has been work for me. And now that I have come to terms with and actually like being gay, sex is VERY difficult, even with drugs.

    When I came to terms with myself, I started to resent my wife for bottling me in. I can't go out with guys without cheating on her or living a life of lies. But I am choosing the consequences of my choices. I can't blame her or feel trapped because of MY decisions.

    Regardless of which way you choose, remember YOU are choosing which way to go in your life. Do not feel resentful later over how you choose now.

    Good luck on these hard choices!
     
  2. kellymporta

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    Some little time ago, I would probably consider a straight marriage like a possible way to cure myself. Today, I think I don't really expect any change in my sexual orientation with a straight marriage. I find it interesting that you mention that your wife is your best friend because that's what I had in mind. However, since I'm a virgin I really can't tell how I would feel being with a girl.

    Of course, I can tell you that I rarely fantasize about having sex with a woman, and the few times I try watching lesbian or straight porn I usually do it when I'm in a phase of trying to prove to myself that I'm not gay. I think I should experiment having sex with a girl to really know how much I would like it, but of course I'm afraid to actually try it and find out that I really didn't enjoy anything about the experience.

    Another thing makes me thing a straight marriage is plausible is the emotional part. I think that if I form a strong emotional connection with the girl it would cause me to feel comfortable having sex with her. This has happened to me before with a few of my friends. When I met them at first I didn't think they were cute or hot in anyway. A couple of weeks later (after getting to know their personality) I was then thinking like: "Hey, he would be such a great boyfriend."

    Finally, that final part of your post was really important. I think that if I come out, it will be a decision I will resent in the future (regardless if I ended up finding my dream boyfriend). However, entering a straight relationship doesn't seem something I will regret in the future. I mean, I don't think a straight marriage will make me feel trapped.

    @Chip Sorry that my posts made you a bit mad, didn't mean to do it. You tell me in your post about how selfish it would be to enter a straight marriage knowing that you're gay. However, couldn't coming out of the closet be viewed also as a selfish act? I mean, you would break your parents dreams of having grandchildren only because you want to be with a person of the same sex. And I can tell you that I already notice that my parents are a bit concerned that at my age I still haven't found a girlfriend.
     
  3. Revan

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    Not to be rude but your answer to this is:

    NO

    So stop being unhappy with who you are, and realize you're gay (even though you've said you know this), you can NOT do that to a woman, and if you do and people find out, they'd be just as revolted as we are. And you HONESTLY believe that the girl wouldn't get suspicious over lack of sex? I already said when you're married, sex only potentially declines when you're much older when the sex drive decreases. So stop being so untrue to yourself and be honest to yourself and the world.

    Oh and you're not going to make God angry, the only people who honestly think God is angry by you dating a guy, are bigoted people whose heads are so far up their asses they can't see daylight.

    Please just be yourself, you'll be happier in the long run.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2012 at 04:37 PM ----------

    Yes it will. That's all I have to say to that, it will make you feel trapped beyond belief. I'm sure the married gay men will tell you the same. Or those who were.

    [/quote]@Chip Sorry that my posts made you a bit mad, didn't mean to do it. You tell me in your post about how selfish it would be to enter a straight marriage knowing that you're gay. However, couldn't coming out of the closet be viewed also as a selfish act? I mean, you would break your parents dreams of having grandchildren only because you want to be with a person of the same sex. And I can tell you that I already notice that my parents are a bit concerned that at my age I still haven't found a girlfriend.[/QUOTE]

    It's not selfish when you just want to let them know who you are. But hey, if you want to continue being untruthful by all means, just don't complain to us in thirty years when you're absolutely miserable. Cause it's clear none of us are getting through to you.
     
  4. redstormrising

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    wanting to be the person that you are is not a selfish act. asking someone to pretend to be someone that they're not, just so you don't have to alter the dreams and hopes you had for that person . . . now THAT is a selfish act. you are your own person. whatever dreams, hopes, or wishes your family may have had for you should not take precedence over the dreams, hopes, or wishes you have for yourself. at the end of the day, it's YOUR life, you have to live with the consequences day in and day out, not them. there will come a time when older members of your family have passed away, and siblings/cousins/etc. of similar age to you will be preoccupied with their own families. what then? will you live a sham of a life just to keep them happy on the occasions that they see you? make no mistake, no straight woman enters a marriage seeking only a best friend. they want a best friend AND a lover. it's is INCREDIBLY selfish to deliberately deprive the woman you would marry of that opportunity, to have true love, and to fulfill her own hopes and dreams. if you can't deal with being gay, then don't marry. but don't do it at some poor woman's expense. that is despicable.
     
  5. SFSorrow

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    As you are so concerned to keep your family happy, don't you think that it will make them much happier to see that you are happy too? Accepting that you're gay, being comfortable with yourself, and finding a guy who can satisfy you on every level should you so much happier, and therefore them too, surely?

    And you still don't seem to have taken on board that you'll be ruining someone else's life too, this hypothetical girl that you plan to marry. You'll be lying to her and denying her the opportunity to find someone who loves her unconditionally, so you're spoiling two peoples lives, yours and hers. As others have said, this is an incredibly selfish way to behave. I don't want to sound harsh but I can't think of any other way to put it.
     
  6. WeirdnessMagnet

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    Ok, personal experience time. As you can gather from my profile, I like girls too, but it so happened that for a couple of years I lived together with a good female friend with zero sexual attraction between us. She was a good friend, take any definition, it applied. But she wasn't interested in me as a sexual being, in fact I was probably the biggest collection of her personal turn-offs you can imagine, from hair colour to body type. Anyway, she had a very tough time through no fault of her own, and I offered her and her infant daughter to move in with me to save money. It was constant quarrels and that exact "trapped" feeling very soon. And it was just a couple years, without any obligations, as in we had sex with other people openly. In a similar situation now, I'd just give her money every month or something. Because, yes, it's this bad.

    The very thought of entering a sham marriage, especially were I exclusively gay to the extent you describe, makes me die inside a little. It's like daily mind-rape. And it's even before we consider the girl.
     
  7. Zontar

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    We're getting mad with you because we're telling you the answer to all your questions is "no" and you still won't accept it.

    Why don't you want to just go with it and date a man? Is it the political implications? You don't have to make every damn part of your life centered around being gay like you think you do. You could get involved if you want to, and do some good for your fellow gays. But it's not an obligation.
     
  8. fiddlemiddle

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  9. redstormrising

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    I also want to point out that I do understand the attitudes in South America towards homosexuality -- but people can surprise you. My father was born and raised in Peru; he did not come to the U.S. until graduate school. He has a lot of very conservative views, and he even attended the seminary as a child, though he never completed it. I thought for sure he would disown me or at least attempt to dissuade me when I came out to him. You know what really happened? He told me that I was his daughter and he loved me no matter whom I chose to date, and his only wish for me was that I be happy. Your family may surprise you, too. But even if they react as you expect, it's not worth living a lie.
     
  10. Emergelove

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    Ugh!

    Kelly,

    I have been reading these posts time and again. My personal reactions were: "I agree with a lot of the advisors and members have said here. I do not know what to say." Quite naively, I thought, "I am beyond this stage...I am married, gay and have come out to my wife...these problems do not apply to me...Despite what he may up against, I certainly hope Kelly does not get married. I did the same thing at Kelly's age. I was stupid to do so, when I look back now. I have hurt so many people." Probably, I felt too ashamed of myself that I did not dare advise, after all, who am I to advise...

    BUT, I guess I am slowly realizing that I was wrong in my reactions. My tendency to turn away speaks to how this thread touches some core aspects of what is means for you, me and many of us "to be" gay. The very title of your is telling--"I don't want to be gay."

    Quite central to my current struggle in figuring out my life post-coming are my internal ideas of being gay and the lack of external role models. I think these probably apply to your desperate situation. I grew up in a conservative country. I did not know anyone, for first 24 years of my life, who was openly gay, whether happy or not. Stories and scandals of Western celebrities provide some distorted vision. I could secretly read or watch a movie about "life of a gay man"; fantasize about a life with a man that was completely heteronormative (nothing wrong about it) except that my partner was a man. But these movies and stories and fatansies were just that, imagined fantasies. In a closetted world, online interactions were the only window into the gay life. But search of meaningful friendships online was futile and all I found was some sexual gratification (which were fun for a little bit) with men of varrying ages, backgrounds, cultures and and some short lived shallow friendships.

    So, I do not know what it really is like to "be" gay. I still fear-- "what if" my life as a gay man (if my wife and I were to split up) will be empty and miserable and LONELY? What if my parents were right that marriage is the only way to bliss and a life of companionship? I do NOT intend to imply that people whom I met online lead empty lonely lives. It's lkely some did and some did not. In fact, there is not way to know. BUT what is true for me is that they only came to reflect the emptiness and fear that I had internalized. They came to reflect what I, and most humans are afraid of, utter loneliness.

    And I am realizing how I was a co-creator of my reality. I was very LONELY despite my marriage to a beautiful woman. After coming out, it is better. However, I am paying a huge price for that and so is my wife. I know that it does not have to be that way for you. I crave for queer role models in my life who lead fairly successful happy lives. I hope to find people in everyday life who would befriend me, who would guide me. Although virtual, EC has provided me with friends and gides whom I cherish. I think about, "what would such and such person (EC member) do in this situation." And, that is awesome! I certainly hope I can set a standard or be a role model for someone in the future.

    You may still chose to get married. I will be very sad if you do. So will be many here. It's will be such a shame that another opportunity for setting standards for your self and others will be lost, a standard that I, and possibly many of us here, including you, so desperately, wish to have.

    Try to open your eyes. I am so glad you have joined this commnity. However, we will eventually flail with you if you continue to be closed in. But, we will support you if you try to open your eyes... and I certainly am hoping that you are trying to.

    I also want to thank EC for being a positive reality for me, albeit a virtual one.

    This is where I am...and I am sure many will have reactions, some will disagree with me, or agree with me, or neither.

    SP
     
  11. Hana Solo

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    Okay. You are gay. You don't want to be.

    This is going to sound tough, but...

    Tough luck.

    I can't say any more than what the previous posters have said, and they all said it much better than me, but...

    How is it selfish to come out of the closet and 'rob' your parents of their dreams of grandchildren? Parents would be much more unhappy if you were in a straight marriage and dreadfully unhappy but had children. Parents want their kids to be happy. If you're gay, and you will only be happy with a man, as you have said, they will be happy if you are.

    My mother doesn't approve of gay people. But she accepted me, because she wanted me to be happy. I'm sure your parents will be the same.
     
  12. kellymporta

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    In my country the government supports gay people, but as in all countries there is a conservative party which wants to demonize gay people. In relationship with my family, I think that if I come out as gay I will receive mixed responses. I know for sure that everyone from my grandfather's generation will reject me. From my dad's generation, probably my aunts from my dad's side of the family would accept me, but from my mom's side things don't look so bright. Also, I know that some of my uncles would hate me, but maybe some uncles would be indifferent to the idea (as long as I don't appear in front of them with a boyfriend).

    Now to the main topic. After all the negative feedback, I think I should put the straight marriage idea on hold for now. However, I still have to worry about having to discover how much gay I am. You people have warned me that getting into a marriage in which I don't feel any attraction to my wife is a terrible idea. However I'm a virgin, so I don't know how much I would enjoy or dislike having sex with a girl.

    The problem is, what should I do now? How am I going to get experience with a girl when I have so many things that put me in disadvantage for straight dating?
     
  13. Chip

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    Geez.

    So you're clearly gay. You've said that. Why in the fuck are you concerned about getting experience with a girl?

    If you must in order to prove to yourself that you're gay, go hire a prostitute. I wouldn't ordinarily say that, but otherwise, you're just taking advantage of some girl, and that wouldn't be right. But honestly... don't waste your time. You already know the answer, you just don't want to accept it.
     
  14. Emergelove

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    ^^ if it matters, I fully agree with Chip.
     
  15. WeirdnessMagnet

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    Ok, I'll break the party line here a little.
    Chip's idea of hiring a prostitute is terrible, though I can see his reasoning. Don't do it. If I judged my sexual preferences based solely on this type of encounter, I'd think I was asexual/gay/whatever. It's not like a "real" sex at all. Although, of course, I'm probably in the minority here.

    As for the opposite-sex experimentation in general... I don't see anything wrong with it as such, but you don't have to actually date anyone (and take real and serious risks) to really know the answer. Merely putting a tab A into a slot B won't somehow magically conjure something that wasn't already there, and with you wanting it to be there so desperately, you'd clearly see much more of opposite-sex attraction by now, were you truly a bi. Maybe it's your English, but it's really all sounding like your experiments are "it's my duty to try hard and find a cure" drudgery, not intermittent, spontaneous "hey, that's actually quite sexy, I don't understand why I'm not supposed to like that?" half-thought you get when there's a genuine closet. Of course, I can only speak for yourself in these matters, but hope it'll be useful.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2012 at 01:13 PM ----------

    *"can only speak for yourself" -> "can only speak for myself." Captain Tpyo strikes again!@ And I didn't notice it until after I've re-read it three times. :frowning2:
     
    #55 WeirdnessMagnet, Jan 3, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2012
  16. kellymporta

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    I agree with WeirdnessMagnet on this, hiring a prostitute is the worst idea ever. I want to get a bit of experience with a girl to find out how much I enjoy sex with her, with a prostitute I won't be able to experience that. I mean, I know it would feel sooooooooo disgusting having sex with a prostitute.

    @WeirdnessMagnet, actually there are girls I find sexually attractive (I think I would really enjoy sex with them, but with no experience this is just hypothetical talk). However, this type of girls only comes once every year or two. If I wait for this type of girl to experiment, the most probable outcome is that I will die waiting.

    I think I'm gay, but I also think I have a small attraction towards women. The problem is, how far into a straight relationship can I get while having just that little attraction.

    And finally, if I did find a girl that pleases me sexually, would it also be wrong to marry her? After all, in that scenario there would be no lies, and I could give everything to her relation (including sex).
     
  17. WeirdnessMagnet

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    Ok, this is frustrating... Sort of like trying to explain taste of oranges... Yea, they taste... like oranges, you know, sort of... sweet, but also quite sour, and with that distinct orange taste.

    Ok, let's try it this way... did you need actual sex with boys to know you'll enjoy it? Honestly.
     
  18. kellymporta

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    :lol: No I didn't need to have sex with guys to know that I like guys. However, porn has had a lot of influence in terms of figuring out my sexual orientation, but porn presents a distorted view of sex. For example, I only like gay porn and I find lesbian and straight porn unappealing. However, the reason I like gay porn is not just because I like guys. I don't like straight porn because it always features a creep banging a girl who is usually screaming her lungs out (I'm a virgin, but I'm sure that this is not how straight relationships are in real life). I don't like lesbian porn because it looks a bit like fake sex most of the times. However, I like gay porn because some vids show people that at least act a bit (more hugging, more cuddling, more making out).
     
  19. WeirdnessMagnet

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    There's your answer. Neither would you need any were you genuinely attracted to women. You aren't.

    And what you say about porn only reinforces it. Yes, tons of things there are exaggerated, but those things are exaggerated precisely because they're turn-ons. I won't go into any graphic detail and explanation here, but, sorry, what you wrote about porn is about as gay as it can get. You simply don't notice or like the same things there a typical bi/straight guy does. (Ok, one semi-graphic detail: straight guys are practically all WIRED to get instantly hard at one of the things in straight porn you find absolutely unrealistic and unappealing. Like, no exceptions. You don't get it, you aren't attracted to women. I won't tell you what exactly it is, or you again would find a reason to find it "kinda sexy, once in a year, but I need to really try.") OK, it's not this absolute, but it's so overwhelmingly typical that together with everything else it pretty much definitive.
     
    #59 WeirdnessMagnet, Jan 3, 2012
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  20. Chip

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    I don't think I've ever seen anyone on EC go to such outlandish lengths to simultaneously acknowledge that they are gay and at the same time argue that they are not.

    Seriously, you've used every possible excuse in the book to try and justify that you're not really gay.

    But you are.

    I don't normally come on this strongly, and ordinarily, I wouldn't tell someone what they're feeling. But in this case, I (and the others posting in this thread) are simply reflecting back to you the very things that you've said yourself.

    NOTHING in anything you've said even remotely implies that you are straight or even bisexual. It's all desperation and rationalization and justification that you're using to try to cling to a (nonexistent) hope that you're straight, that you can be straight, that you can be gay and totally screw over some girl by marrying her and pretending to be straight when you're not, or some other incredibly self-centered and self-indulgent way of using some poor girl as a "beard" to hide from your family the fact that you're gay.

    And that's just wrong.

    As for the prostitute idea... of course it's not the same as having someone you care about. The only reason I suggested it was because it would be wrong to lead a girl on for the purpose of having sex with you to prove to yourself that you're not straight.

    Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself what to do. You can continue to deny that you're gay until the day you die. But you'll lead a pretty miserable life if you do that. That's why everyone is encouraging you to simply get over the more and more ridiculous rationalizations and justifications you are putting out there and start to accept yourself.

    Trust me, you'll be *much* happier once you do.
     
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