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having a bit of a shit time lately..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kettleoffish, Nov 13, 2011.

  1. kettleoffish

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    first off, it's been absolutely ages since I last posted here, but I suppose I haven't had much to say or much time to say it in the last year or so, I hope I haven't been totally forgotten..

    A bit of background about me - I'm 17, in my second year of university. I live with a friend from uni in a flat. I'm gay but I don't really see it as a big part of who I am, and I'm not bothered who knows. I haven't come out to my parents, but I'm 99% sure they know, and 100% sure they don't mind.

    I'm having some trouble with a number of things and I'd like a bit of advice on sorting them out, or at least getting my head on straight about it all.

    Probably most pressing in my mind at the moment is my Granddad. He died yesterday at the age of 90 after being bedridden for the last 6 months or so and struggling through Parkinson's for several years. It hasn't been easy to watch him deteriorate every time I saw him (my mum's from another country so I only got to visit once or twice a year) and the last time I saw him was horrible because of how painfully clear it was to everyone in the room that we'd never meet again (this was over the summer). I was never especially close to him, partly through distance, partly through the language barrier, which is something I regret. I wish it hadn't ended like this but I know I need to get myself sorted out before I fly out for the funeral on Thursday. I'm going to have to be strong for my mum.. my brother can't come because he's studying abroad and my dad's not the best in emotional situations so I'll need to be there for her as much as possible for her, a prospect which scares me quite a bit. I hate to see her in pain, and this isn't going to be nice.

    Another thing that's been on my mind for some time longer is (as always) a boy. He's an old friend from school who I see roughly every few weeks (either when I go home or when he comes through for the sesh). He's never stated any attraction to guys, but I've noticed signs - he's 18 and a virgin, shows no interest in girls even when he's wasted, avoids the subject of sex and dating and I've seen him looking at guys a few times. We're good friends and share a lot of interests (not just getting high and making fun of things, although that is most of what we do). My problem is that I don't know how to bring up the subject. I've got a major thing for this guy - I've liked him pretty much since I was 12 years old and I think it's finally time to do something about it because he's moving to a different city for uni next summer, putting him 5 hours travel away, instead of 45 minutes.. Basically I'm wondering if anyone here has any experience of this - is there any way I can tell him how I feel about him without scaring him away? The last thing I ever want is to lose his friendship, but I can't just sit and not say anything. The knowledge that something might happen is pretty all-consuming and it's driving me insane not knowing if I have a chance.

    Oh and I'm massively short of cash as well, but that doesn't really bother me - what else are friends for? :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  2. Vesper

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    Condolences on the loss of your grandfather. One of my grandfathers died about eight years ago, and I was not close to him either (but not by choice...by circumstances). It's a shame, since he was a really awesome guy who was a pilot, soccer player, and teacher of American English in China. I hope you will come to learn more about your grandfather's life in the future, but in the meantime, just being there for your mother will mean the world to her.
     
  3. Lexington

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    Does you friend know you're gay? Not as in "Oh, he no doubt figured it out" but KNOWS? If not, that's your first step - make it totally plain. If he doesn't come out to you upon your coming out, you can do a bit of fishing. "Honestly, I get a bit of a gay vibe from you, but I'm not very sure how accurate it is - I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing." This will give him an opening to confirm or deny, without it sounding like you're "accusing" him one way or the other. If he denies or chooses not to talk about it, he's either straight, or unsure and unwilling to make a move, in which case I'd just let it drop.

    Lex
     
  4. Doctor Faustus

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    Hi there,
    Really sorry to hear about your grandad. It must have been tough watching him deteriorate, and the loss must still be tough now. It's not something any university student should have to go through. (*hug*) Does your university have provisions for "compassionate leave", and are you willing to take that suggestion up? I'm not making any assumptions or saying you need it, I just wanted to throw that out there as a possibility.
    I'd try and focus on the happy memories you have of your grandad, if any, not those last few agonising months. I'd like to think you two were quite close. Try and make a list. Dig out for some photographs. Try not to be sad at those thoughts. Cherish them. It'll make you realise time is precious.
    If you're feeling particularly stressed as you seem to be, try keeping a diary if you can. (I actually write poems instead :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: you can view some of them on my EC blog.) Try it out for a week. You don't even have to start "Dear Diary...". Give it a name, as though you were addressing a mate (maybe your crush's name?).
    A nice segue onto my third point :slight_smile:! If you can't pluck up the courage to speak to your crush in person, try writing to him. Perhaps use a diary entry as a draft version before writing it out properly. (I assume you know his postal or e-mail address?) Some people find it easier to express thoughts on paper than out loud: writing them down allows you to compose yourself a bit better. Plus you have all the time you need to say what really needs to be said: you can decide what is important and what is superfluous.
    Also, IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS! :slight_smile: Cheer up and chin up!
    Hope this helps.
    Keep in touch,
    F.
     
  5. Jim1454

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    I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to 'be strong' for your mom. She's bound to be upset - it's a very normal reaction -and there isn't much for you to do other than to physically be there for her. She'll be busy greeting other relatives and friends, and she'll likely want to introduce you to people who you've perhaps never met. These things aren't usually has difficult as you expect them to be.

    With respect to the friend, as Lex has already said, you need to 'straight up' come out to him if you haven't already. If you have already, and he's never given any indication that he's also gay, then he isn't ready to do so - or he isn't. Either way, nothing much is likely to happen between the two of you. At the same time, you could ask 'what do I have to lose' - because he's moving farther away next year. So even if you were to tell him how you felt and scared him off, it's not going to have much of an impact on your relationship - because you wouldn't see each other often anyway.
     
  6. kettleoffish

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    Thanks for all the replies guys, I meant to reply sooner but I haven't really had any time to myself.

    The funeral's on friday and I'm flying over tomorrow, it's all sorted with the university and the tickets are booked. I've decided that this weekend might be a good time to have a proper talk with my parents about my life. I want to properly come out to them, and I think it's time I told them that I smoke as well (partly because this weekend is going to be absolute hell if I can't smoke). Do you guys think that would be a good idea, or would it be stupid to add to what is already going to be a stressful time for them? My thinking is that I want to have a closer relationship with my parents and it would be easier to do so if I wasn't always sneaking around and keeping secrets from them.

    As for my friend, he's fully aware that I'm gay, as are all my friends. I was outed at school when I was 13 so there's nobody I hang around with who doesn't know, and I came out to everyone at uni as soon as I met them all pretty much. Probably the next time I'll see him is my birthday in just under a month, and we'll almost definitely end up completely out of our faces on a nice cocktail of drink and drugs, which is usually a good state for a personal conversation so I'll try and have a little chat with him and see where he stands. Who knows, it could end up being a really happy birthday.. can't possibly be worse than last year, seeing as I was in hospital with appendicitis on my 17th.
     
  7. Lexington

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    'ware the classic "once we're drunk and loaded, I can make a move on him" route. It's one thing to "loosen up a bit" to make it easier to talk, but there have been far too many "this is what he said/did, but he was wasted, so does it count?" threads here already. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  8. kettleoffish

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    You're right, of course, but I know this guy well (he's a good friend), and I've seen him in all shapes of wasted and it's not the sort of thing he'd do to say something rash like that, and I would never take advantage of him if he was beyond the point of sense. Hopefully we'll be able to get hold of some ecstasy for the occasion, the only times I've ever really seen him open up were on e, he's quite a shy, quiet guy normally.
     
  9. Doctor Faustus

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    =S Do you have a drug habit?
     
  10. kettleoffish

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    I suppose I do to some extent, I smoke weed pretty much on a daily basis but I don't take harder drugs more than once or twice a month. Nothing too far out of the ordinary for where I live.
     
  11. seeksanctuary

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    My sympathies about your grandfather. Everyone else pretty much said anything I could say, so I thought I'd just send some hugs and support your way. Good luck with the plane trip, and hang in there.