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Came out to wife and some family...now dealing with a new set of emotions

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by missoni413, Oct 14, 2011.

  1. missoni413

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    In the recent threat I started: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/51523-straight-marriage-am-gay.html I talked about coming out to my wife of 5 years, total of 9years including dating. The liberation that I feel is amazing, but am now dealing with a whole new set of emotions.

    Luckily, my wife has been very understanding - as much as she can be. She loves me and wants to see me happy. The family that knows has also been wonderful. They are super concerned for me, and for us and our two kids. My mom who seemed to be ok at first is now angry with me and not really speaking to me. My in-laws have been more than understanding and say that they will always be there for me and that they love me, as have a slew of other family.

    Why do I feel so alone though?? I hate hurting people. It is just not me. But I realized that this initial hurt is better than an entire lifetime of deception. I just hope my wife finally realizes one day that she could never find or experience true 100% with me, as I cannot love her 100% the way a straight man can. I feel awful for breaking up our family dynamic - we have 1yr old twin boys.

    I also don't really have gay friends, so I don't even know where to start in that regard. I don't meet people online, and i know that world can be pretty shady. I am just super scared and terrified that I will be completely alone for the rest of my life. Will the gay community accept me because I was married to a woman previously, and have two kids?

    The only thing I have right now is peace with myself. But, at times, it doesn't feel like it.

    Can anyone offer advice?

    My main reason for posting is to try to help others who are experiencing the same situation try to get their feeelings out as well.
     
  2. Jim1454

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    I had already written this in your other thread:

    You're NOT going to spend the rest of your life alone. You'll have your kids - and spending time with them alone will be fun and challenging (trust me!). You'll also have your ex wife as a friend and partner in raising those kids for the rest of your life. And I have no doubts that you'll meet other people who are in a similar situtation as you. Or at least people who are accepting of your situation. Granted, I live in Toronto, which is one of the lasrgest cities in North America and very gay friendly, but I would hope that you'll do as well.
     
  3. Chandra

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    I used to feel this way as well until I tried it, and met my wonderful partner. And statistically, something like 3 out of 5 same-sex couples (somebody feel free to correct that if it's wrong, but I know it's over half) have met online. So if you dismiss that approach you really might reduce your chances of meeting someone you connect with.

    I firmly believe that people will get out of online dating what they put into it. If you create a profile with the intention of genuinely, openly expressing yourself and not buying into the all game-playing or shadiness, people who share your mindset will find you.

    To think of it another way, imagine you were to walk into a room of 100 random strangers. How many of them do you think you'd be likely to want to date? Probably not that many. Well, it's the same with online dating - only you have the chance to "announce" to the room what you're like as a person, and what you're looking for.

    There are probably some people in the gay community who will make judgements about this, yes. But that's because there are ignorant and judgemental people in any community. And you probably wouldn't want to date those people anyway. Right? So don't worry about them, and focus on the open-minded, understanding people instead. :slight_smile:
     
  4. missoni413

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    Thanks Chandra and Jim. You guys are awesome!
     
  5. seeksanctuary

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    I can't offer much advice, but I can say that you ARE still family. Maybe not in the wife-and-hubby sense, but in the sense of a group of people that are tied together by blood, and by love. The family dynamic isn't breaking; it's changing. Sometimes it feels like the same, but it's not.

    What happens to your family depends heavily upon you, though also what said family wants to do. If you just say "welp, it's been fun but I'm gay, ship my the kids on the weekend bye!" ... then yeah, your family is going to diminish pretty fast. But if you say "I do love you all, and I want to stay in touch because I feel we're family even if my wife and I are not married or in love anymore, can we make this work?" then that lays a foundation for a beautiful support system. They have to be willing to make it work, but many of the family members might be as unsure of all this as you-- will you vanish? Will you up and forget about all of them? An effort has to be made to show that you care about the family and do want to remain part of it, regardless of who you are or are not married to.

    ... Assuming you do want to hang around the families and friends.

    Either way, you're not going to be single and lonely forever. And while it might not be the same as having friends "in real life", I'm sure you have friends here at EC! You're not alone, even if it feels like it. We all have your back and support you in your journey. (Or well, I'd hope so!)

    And you know, the hurt you're "causing" is the same hurt you get when you rip off a band-aid. Yeah, it hurts, but it has to be done and eventually the wound underneath will heal. There is a difference between malicious hurting and healing hurting; this is an example of the latter. You're not intentionally causing pain, there's just pain because things are finally get set straight. No pun intended.

    Hang in there.