Okay so some advice would be helpful. I've been with my girlfriend for a year. She knows I've been with men in the past but not that I'm gay. Even if I wasn't gay the breakup would be logistically difficult: we live together and work together (bad idea on the latter I know). This weekend she told me she'd like to get pregnant in the next year to year in a half! This has put a fire under my ass as far as breaking up and coming out. The advice I seek is whether I should be 100% honest and tell her it's cause I'm gay and want to have relationships with men OR do I withhold that information? Please feel free to express any first hand experiences or opinions. C.
Hi there and welcome to EC I tend to think being honest is the best thing you can do. It's certainly not going to be an easy thing to do, but I think that would be better for your girlfriend. Obviously this woman is in love with you, so if you do break up with her without telling her you're gay, she's probably going to imagine she scared you away talking about babies (which is partly true) and she'll probably waste a lot of time and energy trying to get you back. Knowing that you're gay is going to make things different. She'll still be hurting and will probably be angry at you, but at least, she'll know that she hasn't done anything wrong, that your relationship was simply not meant to last. Try to be as gentle as possible when telling her, do make it clear that none of this is her fault and that you're breaking up now because you think this relationship is not fair to her, or to you. Here is a link to a Pflag booklet that can be helpful for her. Maybe that would be a good idea to print it and to give it to her after coming out. http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Straight_Spouse.pdf I know that it's going to be a difficult thing to do, but I think it's your best option. Take care, Cécile
Commandz - I posted a similar topic yesterday. The responses might be helpful to you. I'll post something new on there to refresh it so you can find it more easily. I don't know how to embed a link to it here.
I think you should be honest with her. It will probably make her feel better about the break up, and if you are honest with her about this I think you can at stay good friends.
i say use the reason that you do not want to have kids right now and that you two are moving in different directions in terms of what you want. if she pushes for info (and she will) she will say "what do you mean moving in different directions, dont you want to have kids eventually??? what direction are you moving in??? this doesnt make since??" then you can either hold and just tell her that you want to be single right now and that you definitely do not wnat to have kids right now. or you can just be upfront and say: cuz basically i want to pursue guys right now and i dont want to keep headed down this path and eventually hurt you. i need time to figure myself out alone. personally, i think since she already knows you have been with guys, im not sure what the big secret is. just tell her that its been on your mind a lot and you just need time to get to knwo yourself better before you can be with anyone right nwo and you dont want to do that inside of a relationshipo or start a family with all these questions in your head. she will understand and you guys can be friends. if not she is going to think its another girl or suspect there's a guy somewhere, so just tell her. she'll find out eventually anyway.
To quote my favorite social worker, Brene Brown: Choose discomfort over resentment. If you tell her the truth... it won't be comfortable initially, but neither of you will later have resentment about it. If you take the avoidance approach... she'll eventually find out and she'll be upset that you didn't tell her the truth. Plus she'll blame herself. The route of integrity is rarely the easy one, but always the right one
ya you should deffently be honest i mean least its no tliek its another girl its another guy lol i dated a couple girls an i ended up telling thme i was gay they took it pretty well but then again everyosn diffent but ya be honest before u get in to deep be honest to ur self an eveyrone around u
