Hi - I am looking for some advice from other married men who have or are struggling with staying in the closet. I am 34, married to a terrfic woman and we have two very young children. I come from a family where our culture and religion does not support gay people and have was raised to beleive that being gay is wrong. When I was 1o years old, I recall my father telling me and my brother that if we ever considered coming home and telling him we were gay that he shoot us. And so I have supressed this for a very long time. During my university years, I had very limited sexual experiences with men in retrospect, i wish I explored this side of myself further. After my second experience, about 20 y.o., I had called my sister to tell her that i thought I could be gay and she convicned me that what i had donewas a just a mistake and to not think about it any further and to lead a straight life; i took her advice. At the age of 23, I got married - at the time, I certainly thought I had found the right person (and she truly is amazing) and beleived that I could live the rest of my life completely devoted to this woman. After a few years, I landed a new job that had me travelling which then led me to start exploring gay night clubs...which then led to meeting men and having one-night stands. This went on for years and although I knew how wrong I was and how guilty I felt afterwards, somehow I justfied my behavour. During these years, sex life between my wife and I deteriorated...still, we produced two beautiful boys out of the few sexual encounters we had. After all these years, I am coming to a point now where I don't know how I can keep going like this. My travel schedule is still pretty active and when away on these trips, I love how free I feel on these trips and being part of the gay world in these cities...but I hate the lying and living the lie and I am questioning how much longer I can do this. Obviously there is a strong part of me that wants to just come out and tell her but I know how much that will crush her and I feel it would be so selfish for me to do this- feel like I am leaving her so I can satisfy my needs and in the process, I am hurting a person who doesnt' deserve this. Very recently, as an attempt, I began to tell my wife that while I love her as a person and that she is my best friend, that there was a big piece missing in our relationship and I started to hint to the idea of having a break in our marriage (thought process was that maybe just divorcing would be easier than coming out- still cowardish, I know)...anyhow, while she acknowledged that our relationship is weak passionately, she still felt devastated by the idea of a seperation and she feels hurt that I am even thinking this way...and again, culturally not something that is acceptable! Another part of me feels like I just should bury these feelings, stop the cheating and just devote myself - telling myself that I made this commitment and now I need to carry it thru (although my track record hasn't been very good. I don't know, just having a really tough time and I don't know why this is all surfacing right now but here I am. Open to advice/support.
Hey Man, I totally, 100% hear where you are coming from. While I never explored my thoughts/feelings for guys growing up, I was confused about my sexuality for a good portion of my adolescent life. Fast forward to college, where I had girlfriend upon girlfriend with the thoughts of guys always there by supressed. Always had a great time with my girlfriends, and then I met my wife. She is the most incredible woman in the world. No one I have ever loved as much as her. Fast forward to last Sunday - nearly 5 years of marriage, 9 years together with 1 year old twin boys, I came out to my wife. I never acted on my feelings, but I have carried a huge amount of anxiety about this with me for my entire life and I just couldn't do it anymore. In addition, I looked at my kids and thought, "I can't allow them to be afraid of who they are," so after about 8 months of no longer supressing the feelings and finally accepting them as who I was, I came out to her. Check out my recent post: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/51523-straight-marriage-am-gay-2.html Start at the beginning to follow my story. Luckily my wife is being incredible about the whole thing. She hates me because I am breaking up the family, but she still loves me as her best friend. I am terrified and scared because I don't even have gay friends, and have never been to a gay bar, lol! Have you tried therapy to talk this through? Maybe a sort of coming out coach is what you need? What kind of relationship do you have with your father/parents at this point in your life? What are your wife's views on gay topics? Just trying to gauge a firm understanding of where you stand and what your obstacles may be. Feel free to post more questions/concerns and I will gladly help you out! Just remember, the truth will set you free. When I someone told me that a month or so ago, that sealed the deal for me. I could no longer carry the anxiety. It wasn't worth it. I also read that the darkest time is right before you come out. Maybe this is your darkest time?
Missioni- thanks for your reply. I checked out your post and want to congratulate you on coming out to your wife - wow! Have you told your parents and her's about this yet? I have to say, for me, it would be easier telling my wife over the parents - they will hit the roof to say the least! My wife, thankfully, is not anti-gay and I know a part of her would feel some relief knowing the truth as it will answer for her questions around my doubts/confusion over our marriage. Would love to hear about your personal experience with the parents when you get there. I definitely think I need to seek out professional therapy - need someone to talk through all this with as I am exhausted of hearing my own thoughts (although I am very thankful that I found this site, reading through the threads is comforting and I don't feel as alone). I am really struggling right now with how to handle/respond to my wife's plea to find ways of saving our relationship! This is so hard. Last week, just a few days before leaving for a long business trip (of which I am still on), is when I first hinted to my wife that I've been feeling really confused about our relationship/marriage. Since then, she's been asking me why I think we need a break and what it is I want more of/less of/what she (and I) can do different...she's trying to find solutions to help save our mariage as she worries most for the kids. We both ended off with committing to taking some time to 'think' and gain some perspective while I am away on this trip. Just the other day, she emailed me this long email telling me how everyday she thinks about how hurt she felt when I told her about my doubts and wants me to just tell her what I need (if only it could be that simple)...and today another email came thru asking when we might be able to talk about what thoughts I have had so far - yikes! I don't want to keep lying and giving her false hope but yet I don't know that I can take the leap and be honest either. I must admit, I feel tempted to just cave in and tell her what she wants to hear - how pathetic, i know! Anyhow, I am so happy for you that you were able to "man up" and set yourself free, finally live a life where you are true to yourself and those around you. You're my hero, man!
Palmer: Since coming out to my wife a week and a half ago, I have also come out to my parents, two sets of aunts and uncles, as well as my in-laws, and brother and sister and in-law. I am actually going to be speaking with my in-laws tonight. So far, everyone has been completely supportive. Surprisingly, everyone is more concerned about me than they are with my wife, which I feel badly about. Main concern is how my wife and I will continue to live our lives with our children. That will be sorted out with time. I got to the point where I had such anxiety that I could not carry it any longer. I acutally wrote my wife a letter and after I actually came out to her, I read the letter to her. She told her brother and sister-in-law, as well as her parents. They were all shocked and as I said, love me and am very concerned for me. My wife read the letter to her parents as well. It took a great deal of soul searching for me to come to this conclusion, and admit to myself that I am in fact gay. Once you've accepted yourself, saying it to people is the next big step - at least for me it was. Each time you say, it gets easier. One thing to remember is that those that reject you were never truly your friends in the first place. My parents are not thrilled with my decision to come out now - they keep asking why now? I don't have an answer for that. My only answer is I am what I am, and I cannot change, alter, or control it. I love my wife, my kids, and my family, and for me, being the honest person that I am, I had to tell them. You only live once, and could be dead tomorrow, and I would rather die with everyone knowing that I was an honest and up-front person that loves his family and friends, rather than going down the path of lies and deception for the rest of my life. The one thing to remember is that people are not entilted to have an opinion on your sexuality. It is a personal and private part of who you are. And again, you cannot control it. You are what you are. People can think or judge however they want, but as I said previously, those who truly love and support you will be there for you always. Do not stand around and listen to negativity, ridicule, or other people's opinions. You need support at this time in your life, so be sure to surround yourself with those that are there for you. I am not you, or in your life, so I cannot tell you what to do or how to do it, but the one thing that I realized is that I have to be who I am, no matter how much it hurts those around me. But I also realized that the initial hurt up front is much less hurtful than living a lie for the rest of your life, deceiving your wife and kids, and not allowing yourself or your wife to find happiness. Maybe you could write her a letter and read it to her? The one thing I will say though, is to be prepared for all possible outcomes or reactions that your wife may have. She could be very understanding, or she could make you leave the house, or she may want to stay married. You may want to seek out some professional help before you figure out the best course of action.
Hi there, and welcome to EC! (There have been quite a few men who are married or in long term heterosexual relationships joining this site recently. It's great that you've found this site to share what you're feeling and see that others have been where you are.) I was also married for 9 years and had 2 beautiful children - girls. I also started to recognize an attraction to men when I was in my late teens. I also got married anyway to a wonderful woman who - at the time - I thought would make me happy. I also eventually cheated on her - and would do so when I travelled on business (as well as at home). In my experience, this isn't going to get better or easier as time goes on. If anything it will get worse. You have opened up a 'Pandora's Box' of sorts now, and once open, you can't close it again. You'll need to deal with it one way or another. By saying this to your wife, you obviously (deep down) want to deal with this, and I think you should. She's not going to let it drop now that you've planted this seed of doubt. Total honesty is usually the best answer, but not always. And not right away. Have you looked into counselling? It helped me A LOT - in coming to terms with my orientation as well as in communicating with my wife. After I came out to her she benefited from counselling too. No doubt you are feeling a lot of shame and guilt. I certainly did. But it's important to remember that you can't do anything about the past. What you've done is done and can never be undone - no matter how much you'd like to be able to. You can't change the fact that you're gay. You can't change the fact that you got married and started a familiy anyway. You can't change the fact that you've been unfaithful. The only thing you can do is change how you deal with it - today. And going forward. This is a very delicate situation you're in. There are children involved. There is a spouse invovled. There are cultural pressures involved. It's not going to be easy to work through this, and certainly not easy to do it on your own. I really do recommend that you look into counselling. First order of business though is to stop meeting other men. If you keep fooling around, it will only further complicate an already complicated situation. Stop. And if you want to stop and can't, there might be another issue that you'll need to deal with - just as I did. But I'll assume for now that you can. Once you've eliminated that stress from your life, you'll need to understand what you really want to do going forward. There certainly can be a happy ending to your story. Mine is a happy ending, and yours can be too. My wife and I remain best friends, continue to parent our kids together even though we live apart. We've both remarried - and my husband is way better than hers! :icon_wink It's all good. But it was a pretty horrible journey getting here. But we're here for you. You can do it too.
Hello! I'm just in the process dealing with the aftermath of coming out to my wife of 15 years. I came out to her in May and have bee on a rollercoaster ride ever since. Some days with her are great days, some are really crappy. We know that we will be friends when it's all over, but it's a lot of crap to just slog through. :bang: I just joined EC to see if there were others on this path... Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one, but it would appear not! Hope to have a chance to connect with you all soon. Best, J
Hi I'll tell u my story in a later message, but dude this is a carbon copy of it....I'm glad I found this site because at least it is giving me somebody, even If it's electronic, to talk to. Anyway, you haven't posted an update about what happened with you... Peace,
