forcing it on myself

Hi sweetheart!

Let me start by saying I know exactly how you feel. It's not fun to feel like you have to mask your true self from others, and it definetly doesn't make you feel accepted or confident either. I personally don't think anyone should ever have to hide themselves in order to feel loved. Unfortunally the world isn't run by KATT, and everyone has thier own, (sometimes hurtful, or pregudiced) opinions about homosexuality. You said that boy is your best friend. That's a very strong term, and if bff means to you what it does to me, I bet you two are pretty close. But sweetie, no matter how important someone is to you, judgement and snubbery are toxic to ALL relationships. So if you feel like that's how your relationship with him is, then it needs to be fixed; or ended. It's a very hard thing to do, but you need to think about yourself on this one. And not just in regards to your friend, but more in your regards to how you look at your sexuality. Which is more important? Being able to let your true colours shine, without thinking twice? Or fitting in, so that people will like you? It's a mental decision that will affect your friendships, way of thinking, and the way you represent yourself. It's very important that you muster up the courage to be honest with yourself. You only have one chance at this thing called life, so make it count!! :] Some people won't like it when you proudly proclaim "Yes, I am really 'THAT gay'", and those people are what I like to call, NOT-AWESOME. And it's not just because it's rude, but more because it's ignorant. Remember that. It's never a bad thing to let the real you show! This world is yours, not thiers!

I believe you'll do great kiddo. :] I loves you, God loves you, and EC loves you!

 

>>>I just hate that I might hurt the people that I love.

That would be "conditional love". Saying "I love Rooni only if she's not all that gay" means they don't love YOU. They love some sort of idealized version of you. And that's not how friendship is supposed to work. You being gay isn't supposed to be a burden on anyone.

I'm seeing this rather often, and nearly always in women. The fear of "hurting" or disappointing those closest to them. And sure, it makes sense to be aware of other's feelings. It's why you'd say "Actually, yeah, I am full-on gay" and not "I'm a lesbian - deal with it, punk". But their feelings aren't more important than yours. You shouldn't have to alter who you are around your friends - the whole reason we HAVE friends is so we can be ourselves around them.

Lex

 

I've often worried about hurting or disappointing people by coming out to them, especially people in my family. It takes a lot of courage to eventually stand up and say: "hey, I have nothing to apologize for!" The people that truly love you will love you regardless, and try not to feel responsible should anybody you know have a hard time accepting your orientation.

It's definitely best to be honest. When you know that you can be open about yourself to your friends, and that they love you regardless, you will definitely be more comfortable than if you are trying to hide yourself of make them happy by hiding who you are.

I often thought that "hurt" my family by coming out to them, but if anything similar happens to you remember that it is not YOU who hurt them, it is just them dealing with a difficult situation for THEM. You clearly do not want anyone to hurt, and don't blame yourself if anyone reacts negatively.

 

In general, the ability to put someone else’s feelings before our own is a good thing. You sound like a caring person and it’s natural, especially when you want to make other people feel comfortable and happy, not to want to hurt them by contradicting their expectations. However, there are times when telling someone what he wants to hear can be more hurtful than telling the truth.

For example, when I was in college, I had a very close friend. For about a year, we did everything together. We told each other everything. I thought she was the best friend in the world. Then, she started acting a little strangely. At times, she was sullen and unenthusiastic, but, usually, her bad moods didn’t last very long. Then, one day, we had a terrible argument and she told me that she’d never wanted to spend so much time with me. She didn’t enjoy half the activities that we did together. She disagreed with me on several key issues. She’d only said and done those things because she liked and admired me, and she thought I’d be disappointed if I knew the truth.

That was the end of our friendship—not because she didn’t like all the things that I did, but because she lied to me. It really hurt to know that many of those good times and conversations we’d had together—things that meant a lot to me—were a lie. She’d been feeling unhappy and miserable when I thought we were truly connecting. By the time she finally told me the truth, we were both so angry that there was no hope of saving our friendship. She’d been hiding her true feelings to make me happy, but, in the end, it just wound up hurting me more.

So, I guess my point is, you may think that you are being kind to your friend by pretending to be someone you’re not, but, in the end, it could have the opposite result. A real friend wants to know the real you, not the person you pretend to be. As you rightly point out, it hurts you not to be honest. But it can also unintentionally hurt the person you’re trying to protect. I don’t know your friend, but he may be more accepting than you give him credit for. If he can’t accept you, then, perhaps, it’s time to look for a new best friend. But don’t make the decision for him. Be yourself and let him decide whether or not he can handle it.