1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My Story of Confusion - Advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by stilllovelyafte, Oct 4, 2011.

  1. stilllovelyafte

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2011
    Messages:
    172
    Likes Received:
    0
    So I'm relatively new to EC (about two weeks). I've shared aspects of my story, but I never took the time to provide much depth or context - I guess I was too nervous at first. I'd appreciate any support or advice you might be able to provide. Apologies for the length, but here goes:

    I did not grow up in a particularly supportive environment. My dad was a bit of a tough guy, prone to saying things like "I'd rather be dead than have a gay kid." I was never "tough enough" for him - note, tough enough was not a low bar. He expected his kids to be able to do yard work, house repairs, excel in athletics, and kick some ass if the occasion arose.

    At school, life was not much better. I was bullied pretty mercilessly throughout middle school and high school. For the most part, the ridicule focused on me being different rather than perceived issues of sexual orientation (though, fag and gay came up from time to time).

    My senior year of high school, an unwelcomed thought crossed my mind: "What if I'm gay?" I became distraught. I was almost free - free of my dad, free of my school tormentors! Now this?!? I fantasized about slipping on the ice and hitting my head, only to wake up without this thought in my mind. At this point, I had not had any feelings of same sex attraction.

    I started university shortly thereafter. I resolved, not to confront the thoughts in my head, but to fit in. With a few minor tweaks to my behavior, I excelled in my new environment. I was able to meet girls and made lots of friends. Part of me knew that one day I'd need to address the voices in my head, but for now, I was finally fitting in. My life had been so hard for so long, I just wanted a normal life for a while.

    During this time feelings of same sex attraction started to develop quickly. I tucked them away as neatly as I could and tried to continue on with my life. I was not ready to give up this conventional life, a social life, etc.

    This decision to run from my feelings is one that I have not recovered from since. I met an amazing woman about this time. She was beautiful, we had great physical chemistry, and everything just clicked. I convinced myself that I could make it work - we were having good sex and I'd never had any physical relationship with a man, of course I'm not gay, right? In any event, a little denial went a long way.

    We've now been together nearly 8 years. We live together. Our families are close. Her little brother looks up to me. She's been so amazing, loving and supportive - truly the first person to be there for me in these ways in my life. I still suppress any homosexual feelings. I still find myself watching straight porn (I know this is pathetic - it just feels wrong for me to do anything else).

    Nearly two years ago, I began therapy because I began to feel the mental health consequences of living an inauthentic life. I developed crippling anxiety, I started to distrust and deny other legitimate thoughts. I could see the writing on the wall: you cannot will this to be. You need to explore these thoughts and feelings. Neither of you will be happy if you keep this up.

    I've been trying to acclimate myslef to making changes for the last two years. It's just been so scary. About four months ago I took my first overt steps towards change - I bought a book on coming out later in life, I emailed a few support groups. I also found EC and began to post.

    Nonetheless, I still struggle to move forward. Though I know there is a high likelihood of where I will end up at the end of my exploration, my thoughts are still in their infancy. I feel incredibly vulnerable sharing these thoughts with her. There is no take back. BUT, given the length of our relationship, and her loving nature, I owe her some sort of explanation. I've waivered b/w this fear of being vulnerable and need to share almost two years now.

    Finally, last week, I took action for the first time. I told her we need to take some time apart. I moved into my uncle's vacant apartment. I've only given her vague explanations. As for me, I'm trying to play catch up. I'm trying to open my mind to the possibility of living a gay life, so at least I would feel genuine if I did share my struggle with her.

    Would appreciate any help I can get...
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, and thanks for sharing your story. It's one an awful lot of people share so you're hardly alone.

    My first suggestion is get Joe Kort's amazing "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love." It's incredibly poorly titled; the book is about finding and understanding yourself and how you got to where you are, and it deals extensively with men who are in heterosexual marriages or relationships, and gives insights that I haven't seen anywhere else. The large print edition is available on Amazon (regular edition is out of print) and there are used copies floating around that you can find on Bookfinder.

    My second suggestion is that you explore a little further... if you haven't already, start watching some gay porn, allow yourself the luxury of noticing guys when you're out walking around (or, for that matter, watching TV), and if you've tried to force fantasies of women when you masturbate, let go of that and just let whatever fantasies are there come to you naturally.

    Those things will help you open up and see what's going on for you. Of course, it sounds like you may already know the answer, but by doing this, you can sort of embrace that possibility in a gentle way and see how it feels.

    I'd also say that you've in a way already opened the door to the most difficult part of the deal: separating from your girlfriend. It's a lot easier to simply not go back than it is to leave in the first place, so you're already ahead of the game in that way.

    And really, you aren't all that late to the party. There are an awful lot of people who come out later in life (including quite a few here... including me...) and while there are some disadvantages to that, there are also some advantages. If it makes you feel better, a friend of mine who is now 74 didn't come out till he was 70! He's loving life and having a great time... and I know quite a few others who didn't come out until their 40s or 50s, so in contrast, you're way ahead.

    Also, if it would be helpful, you can speak with me or any of the other advisor team one-on-one over PM or IM. Just message any of us if you'd like to do that.

    In any case, it's great that you're taking these steps for yourself and I hope you'l stick around and share your experiences with us.
     
  3. stilllovelyafte

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2011
    Messages:
    172
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks again Chip. I may bug you over PM or IM. I'm going to try and track down that book.

    To follow up on some of your advice form earlier, I find myself too nervous lately to explore! I put on a few adult videos to try and open my mind, videos which I would expect to provoke some significant feelings of attraction, and I just feel anxiety. The corny dialogue, the seedy environment, etc. just heightens the anxiety. It's ironic how the ideas I've internalized can allow me to watch two women or a man and a woman do pretty obscene things to each other without those concerns but watching a man or two men, and I become Roger Ebert criticizing the cinematography. I know the anxiety is probably to be expected at first, so I'll keep working on opening up.

    A second thought: I really worry about losing my girlfriend. I know the relationship needs to end, at least temporarily, for me to explore, but I can't help but think about how incredible she is. She's smart, funny, beautiful - I still wonder how in the world someone like her ended up loving someone like me. She'll meet someone else quicker than I can possibly imagine. I'm scared of losing her and scared of being alone. How did you all grapple with these feelings (if you had them, of course)?
     
  4. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The anxiety about watching the porn is understandable. I can remember that... as well as critiquing the "acting" and the scenario, wondering whose house it was being filmed in... all of that. Though in my day, it was the 25 cent peep booths, not the Internet, which was that much more traumatic in various ways :slight_smile: And keep in mind, there's plenty of porn out there with no plot whatsoever, just guys having sex, so you might check that out if the godawful plots and abysmal acting are interfering.

    Now as for your girlfriend... did you ever consider that *you* might get snapped up just as quickly by some sweet guy? Or that maybe both of you will remain friends, and both slowly find other people, while still remaining best friends? The second is a pretty likely scenario based on people I've known, and once you get past the difficulty of her dealing with who you are, I doubt that either of you will want to lose the friendship. So while I understand the worry, I think you might be surprised how well things can work out.

    All of the anxiety is understandable. Accepting your sexuality is changing a really fundamental building block of how you perceive yourself as a person and as a partner, so in a way you're rewriting a lot of scripts. Give yourself permission to feel the anxiety, and vent and share the feelings you're having, either with friends, or with us here at EC. Once you give voice to it, I think you'll find that it has much less power over you, and as the anxiety gives way, I think you'll be surprised how happy you can be, because something that's been nagging at you forever is no longer a part of you, and once that happens, it's an amazing feeling. :slight_smile:
     
  5. J Snow

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2011
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Ames, Iowa
    Hi there, I'm sure there are others on here with better advice then me. I'm only 21 and probably can't relate to everything, but I'll do my best.

    I think its important you are honest with her. I think she'll respect you more if you tell her the reasons you've been distant, and you could still be good friends with her, just in a different fashion.

    As for you still watching straight porn, I'm kind of guilty of that myself. I still kind of hold myself to this idea that I'm probably bi, I just suppress it because I'd rather be gay. So every once in a while I'll flip on straight porn, but I never get off to it. I just flip back to gay porn because the woman does nothing for me. Still I have this idea in my head that that's a mental block I've put in my head because I don't want to be bi. Go figure, I over analyze myself. One of the curses of being a psych major perhaps.

    Anyway, there is a surprising amount of people in your situation. I think what's most important for you right now is to find someone you can open up with. I feel more comfortable coming out to females, but whoever you feel close enough with that you think you can trust them. I think its really important you tell your ex soon thought if you want to maintain any kind of friendship with her.

    Best of luck
     
  6. stilllovelyafte

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2011
    Messages:
    172
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks Jon and Chip.

    I really want to be honest and to do the right thing by her. Right now, I just feel incredibly confused. Honestly, I'd tell her my thoughts with little ability to answer her questions. "Are you sure you're gay? I mean we've been having sex for nearly a decade." Where I sit today, I am not confident enough in myself and my thoughts to say - "Yes, I'm gay." I'd end up saying something confusing like - "I'm figuring it out," or "I'm bi," or "my sexuality is more complex than I thought." I guess any of these explanations is better than nothing. I just wish I was in a position where I had a better command of my thoughts when put in a position to share them.

    Re Chip, those are very positive thoughts. In my fantasies, when I allow myself to have them, we both end up with great partners and become great lifelong friends. At present though, I have trouble looking past her anger and confusion about my sudden cold feet/pulling away.

    I also thnk it will be quite some time before I open myself up to a new relationship. I have so much I need to learn about myself first. I'd like to think I'd get snapped up fast - but I have a tough time convincing myself of that. It's a lot easier to look at my girlfriend and imagine her getting snatched up fast...
     
  7. stilllovelyafte

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2011
    Messages:
    172
    Likes Received:
    0
    It seems like many people on EC first confided in a close girl friend. I used to have lots of close girl friends. Unfortunately, being in a long term relationship, Ii let a lot of those relationships weaken over time. We're still friends, etc., but we don't confide in each other.
     
  8. J Snow

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2011
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Ames, Iowa
    Well you say you don't want to tell her you're gay because you aren't sure about being gay or bi. That's fine. Just tell her you need some time to figure that out because you ARE confused. Even if you do eventually get back together, it would be better for her to take the time apart now and have you figure out your sexuality then down the road when you may have a family life together which would make things very complicated.
     
  9. stilllovelyafte

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2011
    Messages:
    172
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yeah I suppose that makes sense and is the honest answer. I just imagine she'd have a million questions to which I do not have the answer.

    It's funny, right now, I am closer to coming out than I've ever been in my lifetime. I moved out, I'm on EC, I've even watched a few gay pornos. For whatever reason, I feel less gay now than I have in a long time. The thoughts and feelings are less prevalent than they have been at any time in recent memory. My initial thought is that this has to be anxiety stifling them or some other defense mechanism in place from years of suppressing my feelings. Nonetheless, it adds a bit more confusion to an already confusing time.

    Thanks a million for your responses - one of the main things keeping me going right now is logging into EC and bouncing ideas, thoughts, feelings off you all.
     
  10. stilllovelyafte

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2011
    Messages:
    172
    Likes Received:
    0
    So, for what it's worth, I spent a lot of time today, just thinking about my past. Thinking back I am just astonished at how profound my denial was (is). I found ways to explain away and distort so many thoughts and feelings. At first, I used to justify my confusion by saying - "How in the world would you know, you've never been with a woman!" This allowed me to overlook lots of the early thoughts and feelings. Then, once I'd been with a woman, "You can't be gay, you're having sex with her." Then, finally, once I found myself in a relationship, "You're head is messed up. Maybe you're bi, maybe you're just obsessing about this to mess up your relationship."

    I just wish I would have listened to myself - all this unnecessary suffering, all this pain that I will cause others. I know I can't change the past, but I am by nature pretty hard on myself. I do my best to help and not hurt others. How in the world did I get myself to this place! How do I get myself out of this place! Ahhhhhhhhh.
     
  11. stilllovelyafte

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2011
    Messages:
    172
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sorry - one more thought - for those of you who were in the position where you needed to leave a straight marriage, long term relationship, how did you deal with the void of being alone in the wake of the separation? I've fantasized about being free for a while now, but now that I've gotten myself some space, I'm feeling pretty alone. The phone doesn't ring as often, the bed is empty when I get home, and (as is the case right now) there is no one to talk to late at night.
     
  12. s5m1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2007
    Messages:
    800
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    I did everything I could so that I was not just sitting home alone thinking about how lonely I was. I went out and did things I enjoyed, even if I had to do them alone. I hiked, biked, went to museums and art galleries, the symphony, spent a lot of time in the gym, joined a sailing club, etc. I really had to rebuild my self-identity. I was no longer a straight, married man. I met new friends who were gay and began to talk to them about what I was going through. In effect, I created a whole new support system with people who understood how I felt and what I was going through.

    At first, I really had to force myself to get out. Before too long, I realized I could actually enjoy my new life and things began to look up.