In a Straight Marriage and am Gay

I don't have any gay friends, and I have never had a relationship with a guy. I have my therapist and the local gay married men's group and that's it really - so I am pretty close to what Jim was when he came out.
Scott

 

I think that if your wife is asking (or was asking) if you were/are gay... she probably suspects or knows, but isn't saying anything. It might be a way to enter the conversation. "I know you asked before if I was gay, and I said no... what would have happened if I had said I was?" It's a way to test out her reaction, while keeping it hypothetical.

But that approach might not work for all people. It has worked before for my friends, but they weren't married and didn't have kids. There was a little bit less to lose. So eh...

There's also a chance that talking to one's wife in a therapist setting might work, because the therapist could help. Again, not for everyone, but therapists sometimes have a calming effect.

I'm sorry that you, and others, are in such a situation. I don't know what else to say, and others have given good advice and such already. Just hang in there! Things will turn out, and you're right, Scott... a gay dad is better than a dead dad.

I hope everything works out for the best.

 

Can totally relate to you. I live with gf and have one kid and in similar situ. With you being married I 100% admire how you're dealing with it and being open. Hopefully I can follow suit and be as brave as you for sharing you're story. Hope you find happiness soon mate

 

Without knowing, I also came out today, and had the same response from my wife. I am also in shock not believing what I have done and my wife has been wonderful, although I think she is still in shock too.
But whatever happens, I know I feel a LOT better about myself.
Scott

 

Congratulations to both of you. For what it's worth, I've found it really helpful getting your thoughts and perspectives as you moved closer to this decision. For me personally, sharing my secret with her, in the near future, was not on the table. I'm slowly trying to open myself to that possibility. Your positive stories are good for me to keep in mind as I try and navigate next steps.

Though everyone moves at their own speed and at the right time for them, hopefully this will serve as a bit of a motivation for me. I've been sitting on the fence, afraid to take steps, for so long. Something's gotta give.

Please keep us posted on your progress and best of luck!

 

Congratulations guys.

 

There is a great book that works through these things. I'm not sure if I am allowed to recommend here (and apologies if this is against the rules), so it may end up being redacted - "Finally Letting Go" by Dr. Loren Olson - he's a therapist who ended up coming out to his wife at 40. He had kids as well. He stresses, at least from what I remember, that a wife's anger is a normal, important step in the process. It's necessary for her to be angry to begin to get past the hurt.

 

It's exactly the way you'd feel doing what you're doing. I remember feeling exactly the same way. That what I was doing was going to 'damage' my kids forever.

But the reality is that LOTS of families experience divorce today (maybe most?) and kids don't all end up 'damaged goods'. In fact I believe kids are more likely to be troubled if they live in a dysfunctional house where the parents don't get along than if their parents are separated but healthy and happy. And that's the path you're on now. (Where as previously I'd say you were on the former path to dysfunction.)

If you and your wife can keep talking, if your wife can develop a healthy and positive attitude towards your orientation, if both of you can establish your own 'new normal' that shows to your kids that you're both OK, and if you can both continue to work together in raising your kids and showing them that you both love them unconditionally - then your kids are going to be absolutely fine.

Yes - it would have been nice to raise my kids in a 'Norman Rockwell' kind of environment, but I can't. That's just not the way things have worked out. But it's not a bad thing for them to experience a bit of adversity and to learn that life can throw you a curve ball once in a while. (I could have done with that lesson I think - and made me more open to the possability that I'm different and not like everyone else.)

So it's OK to feel the way you're feeling. But keep things in perspective. And be prepared to move on. Seek counselling to keep the lines of communication open with your wife and with your kids. Reasure them that everything is going to be OK - and that you and your wife love them - and that they played no part in the separation of their parents.

Good luck! (*hug*)

 

Sorry for joining the conversation late. Work has been really busy lately.

I think all of us who have been through this felt similarly. There are so many emotions on both sides when you come out to your spouse. There is love, anger, regret, relief – and fear. Fear for your wife, your kids and yourself. There is also tremendous fear of the unknown life that you are stepping into.

I was terrified that my kids would be scarred for life, both from the divorce and from having a gay dad. It literally took me years to come to terms with those fears. I spoke with experts and read everything I could on divorce and on kids with gay parents. In the end, my kids have turned out just fine. They are thriving and have great relationships with both me and their mother. They also love my partner.

Kids are incredibly resilient. Let them know you love them, provide a good, safe home for them and they will be fine. The same thing goes for your wife. Give her time to adjust to her new reality. Keep talking and listening. She will also be fine. My ex-wife and I are great friends now.

Lastly, you will also be fine. There will be a lot of adjusting to your new life, particularly if you divorce. I was devastated. When I was not working, my entire life revolved around my family. However, with some time and effort, I built a great social life and reestablished my identity. This time, it was a true identity, without hiding a part of me. It feels really good, too.

 

First off, congrats to two positivist coming out experiences.

About the kids...

I agree. My parents weren't together, hell my dad wasn't even in the picture. I'd like to think that I turned out okay in that aspect; many kids grow up with divorced parents. That doesn't mean they have to grow up with absent parents! :] It's all how you two handle it that determines how they see it. You're still their dad. Just because you and their mom aren't married anymore doesn't mean you two aren't together in terms of child rearing. You two are still a team in terms of being their parents.

And yeah, hurt is normal. She's going to be angry... and from what I know of women, it might be that she's less angry at you and more angry with the situation in general. It sucks, and the only thing that will make it suck less is time and effort. Not you second guessing yourself, not staying together for the kids... but communication, hugging, supportive conversation and a few weeks/months/years to come to terms with things. Maybe even some therapy; sometimes it's useful. But it is all normal, even if it's a bit scary.

It'll be okay. Support each other, love each other (because you can love each other without being in love and/or married) and hang in there.

 

Forgive the cross post....


Hello!

I'm just in the process dealing with the aftermath of coming out to my wife of 15 years. I came out to her in May and have been on a rollercoaster ride ever since. Some days with her are great days, some are really crappy. We know that we will be friends when it's all over, but it's a lot of crap to just slog through. :bang:

I've been reading your stories and just sitting here crying because everything you are all sharing is exactly what I'm feeling--frustration, guilt, fear, some more guilt...

I just joined EC to see if there were others on this path... Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one, but it would appear not! I've only been an EC member for about 20 minutes and I'm hooked. I look forward to sharing with you all more later.

Best,
J

 

Laying low is the right thing to do. It might feel tough, because you DO have new things to consider doing with your life. But be respectful of the fact that you wife doesn't have ANYTHING to look forward to. You need to be sensitive to that. So trying to maintain a 'normal' through the holidays is a great idea.

You can certainly be working on yourself. Counselling for you and your wife would be great if you're not doing that already.

With respect to you being accepted, I don't see why not. People don't care that you've been married. Not a single person I've met in the community has cared.

In Toronto there's actually a support group - Gay Fathers of Toronto - where I could go. Perhaps there's a similar group in your city. Before I knew that I actually posted an online ad looking to meet other gay dads to talk. I met a couple of people through that ad, and one of them remains a friend almost 4 years later. He attended my wedding this past summer.

There's also a group here called "Out and Out" that organizes various social and sporting events for the gay community. There also might be something in your area like that. As Lex often suggests, just Google "bowling gay your-town" (or any other kind of activity that interests you) and see what you come up with. You might be very surprised.

 

Hi All,

I stumbled upon this thread when searching for posts on gay men in straight marriages. I am new to this and had posted a few days ago wanting to find a group or a forum for heterosexually married gay men. Many responded promptly and I felt very supported and accepted. Yesterday, I sent Jim1545 a PM, as recommended by Chip. I read my message to him this morning and am struck by the fact that I signed off as "needy, guilty and lonely." I guess that is how I feel I am right now.

I am 30 years old, married to a my wife for last 3.5 years. She is a very loving and lovely human being. I got married as I did not know what else to do. I really thought I could change my sexuality, that I can become bisexual. I know this sounds stupid in this day and age. That I can be a loving supportive husband and make my wife happy. However, over the years, I have continued to be gay. I am really tired of living a closeted life. I have had moments where I have longed for a gay relationship, and subsequently felt torn by shame and guilt. Not being able to talk, I have become angry at times and displaced it on my wife by being aloof. She continues to patiently accept my short-comings. That makes me feel even worse. I am ready to come out. My therapist of 18 months has been immensely helpful in getting me to this stage.

Anyways, as I write and re-write my story, I feel silly. I feel as if I am doing something wrong, some shameful. The internal dialogue goes: "Why are you posting stuff here? You just look like a silly fool. Just come out if you want, why drama." Deep down I feel that this is my war, but I do want hold me in the process. I feel guilty that I am building a support network for myself, but I am not doing that for my wife when she finds out that I am gay. I am guilty for wanting support in this process. I know these things may sound ridiculous, but I feel so guilty. Is it just me?

Missoni and Scottsulli's stories are inspiring and I want to be able to come out to my wife too.

I feel a little scattered. In fact, although I know that this is a supportive place, I can only imagine grave humiliation and rejection. I am afraid I will tire you out.

SP

 

You're story hit home to me. I've been living your life or you've been living mine. I'm reading all these posts and replies as if they're my life and concerns flashing in front of me.
I don't know where my journey is going to take me, but your openness and sharing here is easing my anxiety.