In a Straight Marriage and am Gay

Hi there, and welcome to EC.

(*hug*)

I'm not sure I've ever read an introductory post that was so aligned with how I have felt in the past about myself. It isn't a carbon copy of my own story - because we all have our own stories, but it is very similar. The depression is certainly something that I've suffered from - and it has come and gone with different stressors in my life.

The other thing that rang true for me as well was the feelings I had for my wife when we first started dating. I was just so happy to be in a relationship and to finally be intimate wtih someone that I didn't really think that the fact that I would fantasize on my own about men was a problem. I was comfortable with her. I loved her (to the extent I could - in hindsight). And I enjoyed sex with her.

But I too eventually came to realize that I was gay. We also had 2 small children (they were 3 and 5 when we separated). I was terrified about telling my wife and my family. We all worry about coming out, no matter what stage in our life we're at. Working with your therapist will be critical. They'll be able to help you prepare. The healthier you are the better able you'll be able to support your wife when you eventually do tell her.

You've already had 2 reactions that were much better than you thought they would be - out of 2. So you're on a roll. They won't all be that good, but I'm sure you'll continue to be pleasantly surprised. Even your wife - if she has asked on more than one occassion - isn't goign to be entirely surprised. She'll be hurt and scared and angry. Have no doubt about that. But she'll also get through it. The two of you have produced 2 beautiful sons, and you'll be parents together forever, and for that reason you both need to work on making the best of this situation. Hopefully she'll recognize the need for that.

Thankfully my wife did. And as a result, things have gone incredibly well for me and for my family. I have the support of my ex wife, my kids (now 8 and 10) and my extended family. They were all there at my wedding this past August when I married my husband - who also has 2 kids from his first marriage.

There's so much else I could say, but I've got to run (I'm writing this at work!) but feel free to write again here or to send me a private message. We're all here to help.

Here's another one of these. (*hug*)

 

Welcome to EC!

It sounds like you're on the right track. You're coming to accept who you are. You're even letting the crushes manifest themselves, which is always a nice feeling.

As far as your wife goes, there's no set plan for this. It'll depend on your level of comfort, and how you normally interact with her. We have several married and formerly-married gay men and women on this site - they should be able to weigh in and give you some good advice as for as that goes.

Again, welcome.

Lex

 

Hi
I'm in exactly your position and know how horrible it is. I love my wife to bits and will hate to see her hurt. I'm planning to tell her on 28 oct which is a friday so she will have the weekend to think before going back to work on tuesday.

My plan is to tell her that this is the hardest thing I've ever done. That I love her and loved her when I married her and that this is absolutely nothing she's done wrong. But that to go on with my life I have to face the fact that I am gay and that that is never going to change no matter how hard I try.

Also I am planning to tell her that In all this my primary concern is for her and the kids. I will not abandon them. I want to be part of their lives. I also think that my wife has a right to be with someone who can love her as only a straight guy could.

I expect her to be devastated. She knows I'm stressed out at the moment and keeps asking what is wrong but as much as I want to tell her right this minute I want to wait until we have a few days to talk this through. In short I want this to go as well as possible. I am scared to death but deep down I have to trust that it will all be ok in the end. That things will work out.

 

@ scottsulli -- I edited your post because you posted the same text 4 times.

@ missioni413 -- Welcome to EC! Congrats on taking the first steps and accepting yourself for who you are. It's a hard thing to do but you're doing it. It's great you've come out to your therapist because that will be very helpful for you as you work on coming out to others and getting your life the way that suits you best. Since your wife has asked you a few times on your sexuality, I don't think it will be that big of a shock to her as you might think. It will be hard coming out to people, no doubt, but maybe not as bad as you think. There will most likely be different types of reactions from people and some might not be as good as the ones you have received so far. This will take time for your wife to do so when you do come out but remember that you are both the parents of very young children and need to continue working together to be the parents of these children throughout their childhood and beyond. I wish you the best of luck in your coming out process and I'm glad you accepted who you are and are taking initiative to change your life.

 

Missoni,

Your post really hit home with me. I'm new to EC, and I feel very fortunate to have stumbled on such an incredible site. Our experiences in some ways are very similar. While I am not married (and I do not have kids), I've been in a committed relationship for the last 7 years.

Similar to you, during my middle school, early adolescent years, people questioned my sexuality - though at the time, I assume it was just bullying taunts absent any significance. "Fag" was simply a pejorative term they were using, right? My father also accused me of being a "fag" a few times through the years. He was pretty brutal generally, so I made little of it. Of course, all of these events really preceded any awareness I had of my own sexuality.

In college, it got easier for me to get girls. I got good at it, I enjoyed it. Unfortunately, by the time I came to better understand the source of my anxiety and unhappiness, I had already met an incredible woman who wanted nothing more than to be with me. As someone who had a less than idyllic childhood, adolescence, to say the least, it was intoxicating to be with someone who loved me.

In any event, 7 years later, I sit here, like you, stuck. Depressed, fraught with anxiety. I know what I need to do. I know the future has the potential to be brighter, happier. Nonetheless, I can't seem to get myself to take the steps to shake things up and rebuild.

To date, I have never been with a man. In fact, I've stifled and suppressed all thoughts and fantasies. I encourage myself to fantasize about women. I do not harbor any ill will or prejudice to gay people - in fact, I have many gay friends from the different stages of my life. It's just not the life I want.

Nonetheless, it is not a choice. I must deal. Hopefully we can provide each other support, as we navigate these first steps on this journey.

One thought - why is it we are so stuck? I've thought of a few reasons. First, and most obviously, the hurt and pain we might cause our significant other (including kids in this case). Second, and less discussed, is the reputational aspect. I can't help but think that so many of the choices I have made, unfortunately, were in reaction to the negative experiences from earlier in my life. I didn't like being called those things. I did not like not fitting in, so, what did I do, I build the model life. I feel like part of what I am grappling with at this point is giving up this "model life." I know I am not happy in this life, but it's all I know. Plus, I am now "respected", etc. Don't know where I am really going with this...

 

You're very welcome. That's why I stick around. I KNOW there are others in the same situation who will benefit from my experiences - before, during, and most of all after. I'm happier now than I've ever been. Where at one point I felt I'd lost everything, I now feel like I have it all! And that is available to everyone.

 

I don't think I can message people, but I will watch the forums.
I have been going to a counsellor and yesterday I finally realised that, as you say, there are no choices left but to tell. The only question is when and how.

In essence I have spent the past 9 months going through hell, trying every door and window for a way out. In truth there is only one way out and that is forward. Having reached that conclusion has made a difference, at least so far. I am calmer because when you have no other options you are freed from the worry that you are making the wrong choice. In other words, you have to accept what you cannot change and make the best of the situation you have.

I have spent a significant portion of my life and loads of emotional and intellectual capacity looking for a solution. Prior to this year the thought of coming out to my wife was unthinkable. Now I know it is inevitable.
Obviously the process is going to be rough. No-one says otherwise, but with no choices left that is irrelevant. My greatest hope is that I can have an outcome like Jim's although I know many people don't.

 

I can relate to all of what you are saying as I am in the same boat. These conversations help a ton.

 

Missoni,

Of course, would love to continue the conversation. I've found you, Scottsullli, and Jim's posts to be incredibly helpful to me. I'd like to think that in the coming months as each of us seek to make positive changes in our lives, we can be here as resources for each other.

Glad to hear the reputational issues are less problematic for you at this point. I'm working on it. I get it's my life, and you really only get one bite at the apple. Nonetheless, I'm still working on myself, getting myself to come to grips with the fact that this house I've built must be rebuilt. I know it'll be better in the end, but, metaphorically, part of me is scared to move out and shake things up.

Scottsulli and Missoni, both of you have come to the conclusion that you need to tell your wives. I'd love to hear more about how you came to this conclusion. In some ways it's an obvious conclusion - you love someone, have spent years, built a family - you can't really leave without an explanation, it would be hurtful, unfair, and raise many questions that may in the end be more painful for your wives. These ideas are ones I'm working through to try and get more comfortable telling my long term girlfriend. For whatever reason though, my current state of mind is more similar to Scottsulli's old mindset - I can't fathom telling her...

I guess a related question is - have both of you fully told yourselves at this point? Are you at the point where you can say, "I'm gay. I need to start living it," or are you still at the point where you might say "I think I'm gay, and I need to explore these thoughts." I think my inability to fathom telling her is closely related to my difficulty telling myself. I'm working on it, but both of these statements above still seem a bit bold to me.

Finally, curious what steps you guys have taken in addition to posting here to better come to grips with your sexual identity. I think both of you are seeing counselors. Have you been visiting gay bars? Meeting people in person to discuss these issues? Anyway, just probing for possible ideas, next steps.

Thanks to all, and especially the loyal readers (e.g. Jim and Lex) who make a point of hanging around here to share their wisdom with those of us trying to take these difficult steps! I hope one day I'll be able to look back from a happy place and impart the advice I have to others in this spot.

 

For what my journey is worth it started with the sudden unexpected death of a friend. I was approaching 40 and thought, well I have had these feeling all my life but have suppressed them. I had fought them tooth and nail. As I reached 40 I realised that continuing to do so was slowly killing me. I thought, well I've given this my absolute all and nothing has changed so I started worrying and thinking.

I have always been attracted emotionally to girls (even from a 7 year old boy), but when adolescence came I had a strange and unwanted attraction to boys. I suppressed it completely. This is in the 1980s. AIDs was around. The only role models I had were ridiculous caricatures on TV (think Mr Humphries on Are You Being Served). There was no internet. I researched all this at the library constantly. The then current Encyclopedia Britannica said that it was possible with therapy to alter one's sexual orientation. I thought - great.

When I went to university I sought out a psychiatrist. For 3 years I have twice weekly pyschotherapy (the old fashioned lie on a couch type). The psychiatrist told me that I was straight and that these sexual things were all a result of unresolved issues in my childhood which he had fixed. I believed him. It was also what I wanted to hear. I idea that I could be sexually attracted to men and emotionally attracted to women was bizarre and unfathomable. After the therapy, I was confident I could control these unwanted feelings. I had a number of meaningful relationships with girlfriends, all of which included good sex.

Eventually I met a lovely woman at 29 years old and we hit it off in every way. I loved her and had a good physical relationship. This was no sham marriage. However the feelings never went away. I continued to think of them an irritation rather than a threat and bottled them away quickly when they emerged.

Fast forward to January. They came out and would not go away. I worried and worried. What would this mean? Answer - devastation. Solution - well maybe I am bisexual. Then I did research on that and I found that being married to a bisexual guy is just as problematic for the women involved as being gay. Plus no-one understands bisexuals. Anyway my thought process was. Well I'm bisexual. But I can continue my marriage and just bottle up the gay part. Good plan but didn't work, because eventually I realised that it was not the gay part of me that was killing me, but the lie that my life was. If you look there is a whole community of bi guys out there married to women, but they are generally not happy and neither are their wives. I "tested" myself over and over to see what my reaction to women versus men was and the men always won out. I could perform with a women, and love a women, but what I really wanted was a man. And with that the idea of me being bisexual died. That was about August this year.

That left one option. I was gay. I faced that prospect and couldn't breath. The consequences were too awful. Loss of my wife and family. Loss of the respect people had for me. Fears that people would blame me for what I had done to my wife and see me as a fraud and a scumbag. But there is was. Once I came to that conclusion I could not go back. The closet which had once been comfortable and safe literally started to suffocate me. It continues to.

I realised I could either kill myself or come out. I have two young kids and they are better off with a gay dad than a dead dad. Their welfare and that of their mother is everything to me. I know that coming out will hurt people, but there are no alternatives left. I will do everything within my power to make this as painless as possible. I have thought through all the alternatives available, but I can't know what will happen until I come out, and frankly I can't think any far further than coming out to my wife, since once I do that she will be part of the process and gets to say what she wants as well.

If I can answer any other questions, just let me know.
Scott

 

A few thoughts:

I've always found it strange, in listening to other people's stories, my lack of early childhood or adolescent fantasies about being with men. Thinking back to my formative years, I don't really remember fantasizing much about anything! The idea - I may be gay - actually preceded any conscious fantasies about men. Once the idea rose to the conscious level, the feelings developed a bit. Similarly to both of you, I've found myself generally throughout my life to be emotionally attracted to women. Although I chalk this off in some sense to the stigma on male same-sex intimacy.

Scottsulli, Missoni, I know you both mentioned your feelings of same sex attraction preceded your marriages, yet your marriages also felt, to some extent, at the beginning, that it was real/legitimate, i.e. no sham marriage. Did you feel like you were making a mistake at the time/have second thoughts (albeit, a mistake that you couldn't quite put your finger on)?

The reason I ask - I am at a crossroads in my relationship. Unfortunately, I CAN'T give my girlfriend what she wants - at least not now (and unless I do some soul searching and come to some different conclusions, possibly not ever). Fortunately, I am at a position in my personal development to ask these questions before we are married/have kids. Nonetheless, my passivity is moving me dangerously closer to bad decisions. Thank god it's on the man to propose! Otherwise, she'd have bought a ring given it to me, and I'd just coast along. In many ways, while I do love her, I think we're still together largely because I just passively coast along.

One other random thought - for any reader here who feels strongly on the subject... many people here advise therapy as a helpful step. I currently see a therapist. Out of curiosity, do you think there is added benefit in working with a male therapist? added benefit to working with a therapist who is GLBT?

 

Hi
No, I never felt like my marriage was a sham. Nor do I regret one moment of it. I love my wife and cherish my children. But as time has gone by I have realised that to be true to myself I have to come out.
'To thine own self be true' is a catchphrase until you reach middle age. Then it is an unstoppable, unquenchable necessity. To not be true will burn your soul. I don't know why. I no longer really care why. But there is it.

I have no right to advise you on what choices you need to make, but know that if you don't do something now, I can assure you that will be doing something later, and the costs will be different. Not necessarily greater - I have children that can never be replaced - but different and important nonetheless.

Scott

 

I never felt that my marriage was a sham either going into it. I had always expected to get married and have kids, although I never felt very motivated to do so. Like you, I was very passive in most respects of the relationship. I had suggested getting engaged in a couple of years, and that generated some tears because she didn't want to wait that long, and within a couple of weeks I was asking her what kind of ring she wanted. People pleasing was what I did.

Getting a dog was her idea. Having kids when we did was her idea. The house we bought was the one she picked out. The second house we bought was the one she picked out - depsite me saying we couldn't afford it...

I wasn't being true to myself at all.

But I am now.

 

Scott/Jim,

Apologies for using such a charged word - "sham." I didn't mean to convey something so harsh. I personally don't view my relationship with my girlfriend as a sham - or at least I try not to, and I would hope others will not view it that way if/when it ends in the future. What I was trying to capture was the moving forward notwithstanding the reservations. Similarly, I love my girlfriend and would not trade in the time we've had together.

I think I hit on an important distinction here though - between our situations. If I did move forward, my marriage, engagement, continued relationship, in many ways, would be dishonest- absent me confiding my confusion in her, etc. I am resolved not to take any more steps that will escalate the pain I might ultimately cause her and myself.

This puts me in a similar position to both of you - ending the relationship. So now I'm left trying to do this while causing as little pain as possible. Jim, how did you deal with the inevitable void that comes next? I imagine there was at least a brief period between leaving your wife and getting comfortable with yourself and dating. Did you start sharing with others, in addition to your wife, shortly thereafter?

 

I had dug myself a pretty deep hole from which I needed to climb out of as a result of my addiction. So my life immediately after coming out didn't have as much to do with my orientation as it did with dealing with my addiction. But given my addiction was to sex, I needed to unravel my orientation from my addiction - finding recovery from one and embracing and accepting the other. It was a little complicated.

It wsa only about 6 months after my separation that I met the guy who would as of this past August become my husband. So I consider myself to be extremely lucky. But we were friends at first, and took our relationship very slow to begin with. I needed to be sure that I was in a healthy place with my recovery, and he was still in the process of separating from his wife.

I did make a few new gay friends though so I'd have someone to talk to in real life. But I didn't come out to many other people for quite a while.