Hi, my name's Nick, i'm 20 and i'm from birmingham in the uk. i've never really been part of an online community before but i'm really feeling at the moment that i dont know where to turn as i'm not out to anyone. here's the situation... i've known i'm gay for quite a few years now and the pressure of being in the closet when i know that really i don't have to be has created so much anxiety and harmed my self-esteem so much that i'm pretty sure i now have at least a mild form of depression but which seems to be getting worse every day. ive been to see my doctor but i'm moving around a lot between home and university and getting therapy will be complicated and expensive... and when my parents try to talk to me about why i'm so down, i'm obviously not telling them the truth and just say it's about friends/uni work/worrying about money etc really though, i think that if i could come out then this dark, bitter lens i've been seeing the world through would just disappear. i wouldnt have to lead this double life, which is driving me to exhaustion and despair and i think is at the root of my depression. i havent had any relationships while all my uni friends seem to have coupled up and i think my family are wondering why i'm not bringing anyone home. i feel i can't come out to them because even though they're not relgiious themselves my parents have really traditional values - i really appreciate the relationship i have with them because although i now have a good social life at uni, i was a bit of a loner at school and as lame as it may sound i really value them as good friends who've always been there for me. plus i'm not fully independent financially and couldn't finish my studies if they took the news badly and cut me off, which i think they might... they make lots of crass and ignorant comments about gay and lesbian people which i always want to argue against without giving myself away. one time when we were together as a family, my brother said how good it was none of us were gay, and my parents agreed and laughed the whole thing off. thankfully as he's matured, my brother's become a lot more open minded, but i don't know if i could say the same for my parents... even though my uni's very liberal and there are some (though only a few) LGBT people in my halls, i still feel i couldn't come out at uni because all my best male friends who are all straight give off slightly homophobic vibes. a lot of their fun revolves around being drunk and homoerotic which i always feel a bit uneasy with, especially since i have feelings for one of them. i'm living in a flat with four of them next year and i'm not sure i can keep up the charade of liking girls. i've kissed a few girls but never anything more because (I don't mean to sound self-righteous here) i just get such bad feelings of guilt for using girls who i like as people but who i'm not attracted to. so yeah those guys aren't going to be the first people to come out to. i have quite a few female friends at uni who i know i could confide in, but since so many of them are going out with my guy friends i worry it would get back to them pretty fast if one of them lets something slip when they're drunk :icon_wink i have some friends who i know would be so sympathetic if i was only brave enough to tell them. a friend who lives in my area and i went to school with has been out since the end of sixth-form and is really enjoying himself. everyone at school always thought he was gay and he was quite badly bullied but he's come through it and is a real inspiration. i also went on holiday with a good (straight) friend from back home whose mum is gay, and so he understands homosexuality better than lots of my other straight friends. i said to myself for a week before we went that i'd tell him, i must have spent hours imagining what id say and the useful advice he'd give me but in the end i just couldn't do it. i kind of thought that once i got the ball rolling everything would spiral out of control. i also worried in a very petty stupid way that he'd tell other people, even though he's really not that kind of guy. i have trust issues i guess :icon_sad: anyway so i'm now going back for my third year and i have some pretty important exams and everything... but i just cant focus, i spend all my time being anxious and every night i sleep so badly that i do less in the day and get into a vicious cycle of worry and self doubt. i kind of feel at this stage that anything would be better - even coming out and risking losing the love of my family and friends. i'm very lucky to be in a country where even though certain groups of people (including a lot of my extended family, a lot of my friends sadly, and maybe my parents) stigmatise LGBT people, we have full rights and protection under the law. it feels cowardly that people will come out in countries where they have so much more to lose, but i won't because i'm worried about losing people's approval, which i crave so much and which i'm kindly of losing anyway as i become more depressed and antisocial. feelings of depression in the closet are probably pretty normal. but i'm starting to weigh it up more rationally: since i'm now feeling pretty down and in the closet, the worst that can happen is feeling pretty down but out of it. so does anyone have any good advice? was anyone else feeling depressed about everything - maybe because of being gay, but not only to do with worries love/sex/relationship stuff - and coming out made it better? i've even bought some self-help books recommended to me by my doctor but they're all from the 80s and imply that the only happy forms of love and relationships are straight ones, which just makes me want to throw them in the bin!! so stories or advice from people who might be closer in touch with my state of mind would be a lot more helpful i think. at the moment though, with my family and friends situation, i worry that coming out would just worsen my depression. thanks for reading, hope it's not been too long/whiny/boring! all the best, N
First off, welcome to EC! While I was still in the closet, I used to get bouts of depression all the time. Every couple of months, I would fall into a rut, where I would close myself off, avoid others as much as possible, and just surround myself with my own negativity. I'll tell you now, this was very damaging, mentally, emotionally, and physically. The root of my depression was my repressed feelings, but it spread to a lot more than that. Yeah, it affected my worries about "love/sex/relationship stuff", but it also severely impacted friendships, grades, and several other factors of my life. Since I've come out (especially since coming out to my parents), I've felt a lot better, in every way possible. I haven't felt as mentally clear or emotionally strong as I do now in a long, long time. And that's with my coming out being only a partial success. My dad accepted me and it hasn't really bothered him at all (he's a very open-minded, tolerant person). However my mom does not accept that I have feelings for guys and she has said some really hurtful things about it. Regardless, I still feel a lot better having come out to them. Everybody's situation is different. You've go to look at yours and decide how you think your parents and friends would handle it. For example, I haven't told any of my friends at my university because I don't feel like the situation is right. I've looked at the pros and cons of doing so, and decided that at the moment, the cons are too great. So I'm holding off telling them for the time being. With my parents, I decided there were more pros than cons, and so I took the plunge, and I sure am happy I did. Good luck with your situation, and feel free to message me if you need anything!
Hi and welcome to EC! As you say nearer to the end of your story, feelings of depression in the closet are pretty normal. I never hit a huge amount of depression, but during the portion of my closet time where I didn't accept myself (7 years altogether) I had a ton of self-hatred which no one saw and no one was able to help me with. Accepting myself let all of that stuff go, which made me feel quite a bit better. Of course, then I had the daunting task of telling people who I knew, and I must say, the double life I lived (and am still slightly living around my family and on FB) caused me a lot of stress. When I finally did come out to my first friend (it took 2 months from deciding I was coming out, and 8 months from when I accepted myself, just fyi) so much stress went out of my body. I was no longer horribly afraid that people would find out. Sure, there was still stress around some people, but the fact that I had told someone I was gay and they were still my friend and the world didn't end alleviated the majority of my stressors. From there, it got easier to tell people (even though I still shook every time I started my coming out conversations) to the point where I'm very happy right now and living openly. So that's my story of having worries, stress, and fear while in the closet and how coming out did make it better. I would like to add a bit more to this, though, as your story had more in it than just "Please share your own story." Your parents are the people I specifically want to talk about. From what you gave, I can't really tell a lot about them, but you said "even though they're not religious themselves, they have really traditional values." I'm not sure how they would respond if you came out to them, but it seems to me that they wouldn't really have a problem with your sexuality. I mean, the only valid objection to homosexuality comes from religion, and even then it's usually based on an inaccurate interpretation of religious text. Heck, my parents are amazingly religious (of the speaking-in-tongues, gays-are-going-to-hell variety) and they didn't cut me off when I told them. Were they disappointed in my "choice?" Well, yes, but they're still proud of my accomplishments. I think it'll likely be similar with your parents, or even complete acceptance! Finally, your friends. A lot of people who give off homophobic vibes generally do so because they are looking only at the stereotype since they've never met someone in the LGBT community. You'd be surprised how many people change their ways for the better once a friend comes out of the closet. Even if they aren't of that "changing their ways" crowd, a person who refuses to be friends with a person based on the gender the latter likes, is a person who doesn't deserve friends. Should they be the first to know? Probably not, but they'll find out eventually (whether it's from you telling them or from someone you tell telling them) and then you'll know if they are worth keeping around. Your story was not too long/whiny/boring at all, Nicholas! We're here to help as much as we can with whatever you need. If you want more of my opinions specifically, feel free to write on my public wall, or post to this thread again. Best of luck, and don't be discouraged! It does get better! (*hug*)
Welcome to EC! It sounds like not coming out has officially surpassed the risks of coming out for you. If it's affecting your day to day life and preventing you from feeling better about yourself, then it's something you need to work on. What do you think might happen when you come out? I know how hard it can be to get over that hump of awkwardness and just start telling people that you're gay, but you WILL feel much better afterwards, because even if they take it badly, at least it's out there and you don't have to stress about people knowing. I'm sure you can deal with people not being okay with your sexuality. Most people, even if they get upset at first, will come to realize that it's YOUR life and this is just who you are. It might take some time, but I think you'll be surprised. Also, your friends at university may act somewhat homophobic and stuff, but that's because they don't think there's anyone gay near them. Think of it from a different minorities perspective. Sometimes we poke fun at people who are different from us behind their backs, but it's not usually out of malice. It's just something funny you'd say to your friends, knowing that you can say those things and not be judged. So your friends seem homophobic, but you haven't really given them the chance to show you that they're not homophobic. I find that getting over the initial coming out makes the rest of it a lot easier. Just remember, once it's out there you can stop hiding. It only takes two little words and then it's out of your hands and you don't have to worry about censoring yourself so much around people (which takes time to get to after you come out, but it will happen!) You'll be surprised how many people don't really care.
Welcome to EC! I just signed up as well because I had an issue that I couldn't really talk about with any of my friends because I was/am worried about their disapproval. The people on EC are a great group that have listened to me without judgement and have given me a new strength that I didn't have just two days ago. Listen to me. You are not alone. There are so many people in the same situation as you. Including myself. For the last four and a half years I have been lying to myself and trying to suppress the fact that I am Gay by maintaining a relationship with a girl to have the approval of my peers and family. Last night I broke it off with her and told her that I am Gay. It is THE hardest thing I have ever had to do. I say had because it was something that was weighing so heavily on me that I was never happy and was falling in and out of depression because I didn't know who I was anymore. Who I wanted to be, who I wanted to be with, But you know what? I do not regret it. Not for one second. I feel relieved that I'm not living this lie anymore. I agree with Taylor about the Homophobia aspect of your situation as well. It's not easy. Never has been. Never will be. but the fact that your willing to reach out and look for advise says a lot about your strength and character. (*hug*) :icon_bigg
Hi Nick, Firstly let me say that in reading your post your situation struck me as weirdly identical to mine over recent years. Whilst I would say I'm over the worst, I too am at a UK university, ALL my friends seemed to couple up at once. I feel there is strong correlation with pressures about one's sexuality and mental health or happiness. I'm not a mental health professional obviously, but I do feel inclined to say that there is some correlation with your self esteem and your happiness - if in fact they are not one and the same. You say your parents and friends occasionally give off homophobic vibes. While this is worth considering, it may be that they genuinely make such remarks not to offend or disparage, but as an act of humour. Speaking honestly, I expect a lot of us can honestly say that we have made or laughed at humour/comments we know we shouldn't. It may be that your male friends and parents simply have NO idea of the issues you face, and may be accepting of your situation. Perhaps many of your friends and family would be deeply ashamed to have upset you in such a way. Of course I do not know them or know you, but its a possibility. As far as coming out is concerned, perhaps try to alter your perception of what it is to be "out". Before I was out in any capacity I viewed the whole process of coming out as incredibly daunting.. I pictured myself being forced into announcing my status on mass to all my loved ones. The truth is the process can be executed as slowly or as quickly as you like. You can take control of your own process. For me, I didn't so much "come out" as I just started dating a guy and people's suspicions were confirmed, nothing was ever really spoken of again. Its completely different for everyone, but don't underestimate the diverse and tolerant nature of universities, particularly those in the UK, where universities rarely have any religious affiliation and students attend to gain a wider life experience. I hope this helped in some way. I truly empathise with your situation. All the best Jimmy
Hey Nick. As many that have responded to your post have already said, your situation reminds me a lot of myself right now. I too have been dealing with bouts of anxiety/depression and have wondered if this deteriorating mental health is related to being in the closet. I have thought about this topic a lot and I have read a lot of the posts on this forum and it seems that coming out and coming to terms with yourself improves your mental health a great deal. So many of your fears hit home with me as well. I have a lot of good straight male friends and so much of our interaction is playful/homoerotic. Or we talk about girls/sex etc. A lot of the fear I have around coming out is not that any of my friends will act outwardly homophobic (I am confident that they would all accept me), but it is that the subtleties of our relationship will change. They wont confide in me about girls or tell me when they think a girl is hot, etc. I know it sounds stupid and insignificant but it is a huge concern of mine (and seems like a concern of yours). Of course, as I am in the same boat as you, I am afraid I cannot offer many answers to these questions. I can only tell you that I share a lot of the same feelings of depression/anxiety and a lot of the same fears about coming out to my friends/family. Hopefully, knowing that your experience is similar to so many others that are going through it now or have gone through it already will help you -- i think that it is starting to help me a bit. All the best.
Hey G'day Nice! Welcome! First off, and I know that a few other people have said this, but the situation you are in really resonated with me. While our actual situations may be different (people, places, timing, background) I feel like I can empathize in this situation. For me, and maybe for you, being in the closet just corroded my confidence. It wasn't a single day or any single event that brought down my confidence but rather the constant lying (cause I knew I was gay) to myself and those around me. I knew I was lying and so it hurt every time someone asked me what was wrong or why I wasn't dating anyone. I felt like I was betraying my friends because I asked them to trust me with their problems, their worries, their hopes and dreams but I didn't trust them enough with mine. It was also the constant need to check my language, watch my gaze, and deny my heart that really broke me. Best advice I can give - trust someone. Anyone will do--heck even tell a stranger first if that makes it better but tell someone. You told us, some random people on the net, that you know that you are gay and so long as you aren't a psycho serial killer hopefully your friends won't leave you either. This may sound a bit harsh but it won't get better by staying in the closet. Being gay isn't a passing thing (at least for me). (But, keep in mind the disclaimer that if anyone is actually going to do physical violence to you--that might not be the person to tell--just saying). We all have our challenges in life and for us coming out the closet is one more that straight people don't have to do. Life is hard enough as it is - don't try to live two of them at the same time. You may not feel great after the first or second or even third person but by coming out of the closet you can stop eroding your confidence and start living a healthier life.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< This advice really makes sense!!! I guess it can only get better, being in the closet is bad enough and a draining burdon. We are scared to come out because we worry about what people might assume or critisize us about because we are gay/bi, at the end of the day, people are always going to make judgements if your gay/straight/tall/small/fat/skinny. It makes no difference, I guess coming out can only make you feel better, because personally you cant feel any better living a double life and not being open with yourself nor your friends and family. So yeah I would think it would help your mental health... Alot.... Aiden
Hey guys! Thanks so much for all your supportive comments and kind words of advice, i'm so (pleasantly) surprised at how friendly everyone on here is and the fact that you're all willing to help. all the posts are definitely giving me a much greater sense of perspective and have already lifted my mood! And i'm very glad the answer to my question was such a resounding yes as I kind of expected it would be, but I was very interested to hear in more detail about the problems you've all faced and how closely a lot of aspects of your situations resemble my own. I think what's helped me most from pretty much all your comments is hearing that 'coming out' is a lot more subtle than I've trained myself to think. You've all referred to the disappointments and sometimes anguish you've faced during coming out but what's so reassuring is that none of you seem to regret it. And you've made me see coming out as less of an all-or-nothing thing, and that telling people (at least at first) on an individual level at first makes it a lot easier. I really can't express how grateful I am for all your replies and how determined it's made me feel to start thinking about being open with people as a realistic option now I've heard about people in similar situations. Hope you're all doing well, I'll keep you updated! Thanks a lot, Nick
First off I know what's its like to pretend to like girls, I think all of us do. But others play the game longer than others. First off all if you came out a big weight would be lifted off your shoulders, you wouldn't be leading a double life and you wouldn't have to keep pretending who you are. You will have to tell your housemates at one point, if you want to bring guys back or introuce them to a boyfriend you will have to. On the brother front if you say he has matured then he might accept you. Your parents don't sound that bad, if you they laughed it off then it means they didn't care too much about the subject. But that could be taken two ways. You might have trust issues due to the fact you have this 'secret' but at least you have people you know you can turn to. I would turn to your closest first the ones you think would be the most accepting. You could ask them to keep it to themselves if you dont want everybody to know. The longer in the closet the worst it is, it sounds like you would be better off coming out. Yes it may be risky but it really is so much better telling the first person feels amazing, the amount of pressure lifted from your shoulders just feels great. Personally, I came out to my school friends at 14 I came out on Facebook to the rest of my friends when I was 15. I found it to be good, of course I got bad responses but they were soon silenced. I had times in the closet where I got was down and it made me feel better when I came out. Hope this helps.
