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Should I come out at work?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jimL, Aug 31, 2011.

  1. jimL

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    Ok so I have talked to one guy at work and he, as I fully expected, was way ok with me being gay. We have gone to lunch at least three times since I told him and he has been really cool about it, and very helpful. Now that I am out to my immediate family and a bunch of friends. I just want to tell everyone. I know that I should slow down and think about it but after hiding so many years i just want to stand in the street and yell "I am Gay." I must be going crazy! I am a federal employee so I am way protected (thank you president Clinton). So I am interested in finding out what others experiences are and what you think about this. I'm just a little nervous about it. There are about 35 employees and I know that at least a handful would have a serious problem with it. I guess I shouldn't care but I do.
     
  2. Lexington

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    I guess it would depend on how "serious" the problem would be, how much interaction you might have with them, and whether work would suffer as a result. If you know somebody's going to have a problem with it, there's no reason to flag them down specifically to tell them. But you can simply move into a more "passive coming out". For instance, if people are talking about dating, you can feel free to say something along the lines of "I still have no idea where a good place to meet guys might be." Or if you're so inclined, feel free to put a small rainbow flag or sticker up in your cubicle. Doing things like this can sort of be a coming out with having to stand up on your desk and make an announcement. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. deb2118

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    I usually don't come out at work. Although, several times, I have come to regret this because I have found out later about other people who are gay and feel like I have missed out on good friendships. It continues to make me nervous though, so I am not out to a single person I work with. This is the continuous problem of not being priviledged. In my opinion, it depends on the type of agency you work for, what others there stand for, and how much you are willing to put yourself at risk. I very much admire those who take a stand though and have had two previous gay bosses and very much appreciated their openness and helped me be open as well.
     
  4. Jim1454

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    I agree with Lex. It really depends.

    In my case, I got really tired of filtering what I shared with my employees, peers, and boss at work. So once I had come out to my kids, I started to come out at work. With my direct reports and my boss, I told them in a one on one situation. I brought it up and simply told them. With my larger team (about 20 people) I told them in a team meeting. With my peers, I've made it a point to tell some of them explicitly, and with others I've just started to talk about my 'partner' and how 'he' has done this, or 'he' does that. It doesn't take much for people to figure it out.

    I haven't had an issue with anyone at work. And it feels SO GREAT to be able to talk openly and honestly about what's going on in my life.

    In my case, I'm an accountant, have a relatively senior role, work in a very large organization, and with fairly well educated professionals. I also work in Toronto, one of the most diverse and accepting places in North America, so that helps.

    It really depends on these factors, but it meant a lot to me to be out.
     
  5. s5m1

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    There are certainly some situations where coming out at work could jeopardize someone’s job. Each of us has to evaluate our own circumstances.

    However, I do think that how others react to our sexuality is based in large part on how we treat it. If we act like we are ashamed of being gay, or that we somehow need to apologize for it, others are more likely to react negatively. Similarly, if we make a big deal out of it, others are more likely to do so. In contrast, if we just go about our business and treat being gay no differently than our hair color, others are more likely to behave the same way.

    Coming out at work does not have to be a big announcement. Instead, it can be simply fitting it into the context of a conversation, such as talking about your weekend or your significant other. It also does not have to be all at once. You can start with people you are closest with and then branch out.

    For me, I came out individually with some of my law partners in conversations where it fit in. At some point, I brought my partner to our annual holiday party and just introduced him around like everyone else did. In fact, I think my co-workers actually like him better than me. :slight_smile: He also accompanies me to the many functions I have to attend, such as fundraisers, etc. I treat it like it is a normal part of my life, and have never had any problems.

    It is hard to develop relationships when we hide such an important part of who we are. While co-workers may not realize you are gay, they perceive that something is not quite right. Relationships are crucial for success in business. If we cannot develop deep and meaningful ones because we are hiding who we are, we may actually be hindering our career progression by staying closeted. A good friend of mine, who is a top executive of a Fortune 500 company, gave a speech where he said he did not become successful until he came out because he was not being authentic. Once he was able to be himself, he stopped wasting all that mental energy worrying about coming out and he developed deep and meaningful relationships with business colleagues.

    For me, I will never work anywhere that I have to be closeted. It is simply not worth it.
     
  6. jimL

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    Thanks for all the great advice. I work in science and a lot of the people are highly educated and open minded, so I think most would not have a problem. I like the advice to come out to people individually, I think that is the approach that I will take. I know there is one person that if I tell he will blab it to the entire laboratory. I have considered just telling him and letting him run with it. I just don't know if that is the right approach. My concern is that there was a lady that is a lesbian that worked here until about a year ago. There was the little comments and jokes behind her back that bothered me a lot because I was not out at that time, so I just kept my mouth shut. I just don't want that to happen to me. I know that there will always be the people that gossip, it's just human nature.
     
  7. blighted garden

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    Hello! First off, I'll mention that I work in a science lab (I've been there for about 16 months) and that I'm relying on my supervisor for a reference letter for medical school, so coming out to my co-workers/PI has been something that I had to seriously consider as well. Even if where I live career protection is in place, and even if the medical schools have made statements that they do not discriminate based on orientation, it's a tough decision.

    I always send my feelers out before I come out. There are about 12 employees in my lab, and several in neighbouring labs that I am also in contact with. There are three or four people in my lab that I was absolutely positive wouldn't mind, and I brought it up casually in conversation one day with them. What's nice is that they definitely understand that I am not comfortable being out to everyone in the workplace, and they have made a point of keeping their knowledge of my orientation confidential. Sometimes when I'm at work I do the whole "I'm talking about something queer and don't care if someone overhears", so I might have inadvertently outed myself to some other co-workers, just certainly not in direct conversation, and certainly not to my supervisor. (Note, the age of most of the people in my lab is <30, so that might help.)

    Now, I'm going to say that for me it's not worth the risk of coming out to my supervisor. I need the best reference letter possible, and closeting myself is worth it in this case.

    There is someone in my lab that made a comment about gay people not being "normal", and I just sat there and said nothing. I don't know if he might make comments if he knew (although I don't think he would). But I feel comfortable at work being only out to the people who are supportive. Then again, I live in a hostile environment at home so I want my workplace to be somewhere that I don't have to face hostility. We're all comfortable with the closet to certain degrees. Do what feels right to you :slight_smile:.
     
  8. jimL

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    Hi bg, thanks for your thoughts. The age at the lab that I work at is a wide range. I think that the ones that would have the most problem are mostly the older ones. I've been at this lab for quite a few years and am currently in a scientist position so I won't have any problems with advancements and the such. I'm just worried about those that will talk behind my back and make rude comments. I think at this point I will say something if I here off color jokes. I just don't want to listen to them anymore. I have for way to long. I like the way that you are going about it. I think I might take that approach. Although, you know that once you tell a few people it will get out. And, I guess that's the part that I feel a little uncomfortable with. But then, what the heck, it's who I really am so why shouldn't I just be me?
     
  9. blighted garden

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    If you've been there for a while then it might just be a good idea to say something. My job is part time and I probably won't be staying there, so that's one of the reasons I wasn't just blatantly open also. I definitely figure that it will get around at some point, but I feel like coming out to a few people that you know will have positive reactions can help give you confidence and comfort. Knowing that I have those people who are supportive is a great help if the other, less accepting people find out and confront me. I think it's always a good idea to try and teach people about how those kinds of jokes can be harmful. And ultimately, you might not have to discuss anything with those people. (Ex. Maybe my PI will find out, but I don't mark him as the type of person that would have a problem. Since he would find out indirectly, though, I would probably not have to discuss it with him.)

    Best of luck!